What kind of reconciliation is this?

[Jess-Belle]

About 7 months ago, I discovered that bf had had an A. Our relationship was quite distant at the time and not faring well, but still, it was at least assumed that we were monogamous.

 

I have read that a truly remorseful cheater will be up for anything to help you heal. Well, such has not been the case here. He was most remorseful in the beginning, but during that time I was still finding out all of the lies. Barely two months later, other things started getting in the way, so to speak, of his ability to be supportive. Suddenly he had all these problems in his life. It's been that way ever since. Sometimes he is super syrupy and apologetic, and other times when I try to elicit comfort from him, he gets irritated and says he is tired of living this way. The past several days everything has gone to hell because he is insisting that he desperately needs "peace" and now he doesn't want to talk about it at all.

 

There's one important detail: when we met two and a half years ago, I had a boyfriend. He knew all about it. I was pretty messed up in the head back then and am ashamed that our relationship started that way. But, he will not let me live it down to this day, and he is currently using it as leverage as to why he is too angry to give me the support I need. For example, saying that by my talking about the A, he is reminded of what I did to him, and he just wants to forget about all that.

 

We are in couple's counseling (and I am in IC as well), and the therapist has told me that I need to give the relationship room to breathe and just stop talking about it for a while except for in therapy.

 

Am I wrong for feeling like my bf is blatantly trying to manipulate the shxt out of me? I don't know what to do.

 

There are so many super intelligent people on here. Please give me your thoughts. *sigh*

[Owl]

This is one example of why many relationships that start with an "affair" are far more likely to end up with infidelity issues again later.

 

It "sets the tone" for the relationship.

 

I don't blame you for how you feel about your BF's actions. It sounds to me as though he's still cheating on you, and looking to turn it all back on you because of what you did to your previous BF.

 

You aren't married...are there any kids?

 

If not...I'd say walk. This relationship isn't on good footing...partially because it was built on sand to begin with, and partially because there wasn't a good building plan.

 

Why go through this if you don't have to? Learn from it, and start a new relationship built off what you learned from this one.

[Jess-Belle]

Hi Owl, thanks for your response. Yeah, you're definitely right about the tone being set in a particular way. I guess I finally have experienced " if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you".

 

I'm not sure what you mean about one thing -- it sounds to you like he's still cheating on me like having an affair, or that he's cheating his way out of having to take responsibility?

 

You ask good questions, and believe me, they have gone through my mind... no, we don't have any kids... walking away from this sounds like the most logical choice I suppose. But most definitely not the easiest.

[Owl]

I have read that a truly remorseful cheater will be up for anything to help you heal. Well, such has not been the case here. He was most remorseful in the beginning, but during that time I was still finding out all of the lies. Barely two months later, other things started getting in the way, so to speak, of his ability to be supportive. Suddenly he had all these problems in his life. It's been that way ever since. Sometimes he is super syrupy and apologetic, and other times when I try to elicit comfort from him, he gets irritated and says he is tired of living this way. The past several days everything has gone to hell because he is insisting that he desperately needs "peace" and now he doesn't want to talk about it at all.

 

This makes me suspect that he stopped cheating...for about two months. Then things suddenly went wrong again...often a major red flag that the affair resumed.

 

I'd strongly suspect that he's still hiding something...either something major that he knows you'd leave him for, or he's hiding the fact that he's still in contact with the OW.

[Jess-Belle]

To be honest I feel that my radar is still mega sensitive now, but I have found no reason to suspect that he is still carrying on with anyone. I didn't bust him in the middle of the affair, it had already ended about a month before I found out about it. The girl turned out to be an obsessive nut, so if she was in his life again, I am sure I would know about it. And other than this avoidance nonsense, there hasn't been anything classically suspect like weird phone calls, phone being off all of a sudden, not knowing where he is, etc.

 

But I do think you're on to something. I am 99.9% certain I don't know everything about what happened, and I think he's desperately trying to put this all behind us so I won't keep digging for the truth. I'm beginning to accept that it may well be impossible to know everything, after the way I reacted on DDay and when I found out another particular detail 4 months later. I guess I'll have to go into that in therapy.

[whichwayisup]

Do you plan on marrying him and having children with him one day? Is he worth it, is the relationship itself worth saving?

[Enema]

He's probably thinking, "This happened 7 months ago... I've apologized and tried to make her feel better, but enough is enough!"

 

He thinks you're holding onto this too long and is growing tired of not having equal footing in the relationship.

 

7 months of being the apologetic, subservient one would drive me to drink. (more)

[Jess-Belle]

Do you plan on marrying him and having children with him one day? Is he worth it, is the relationship itself worth saving?

 

Yes, we talk about a future together all the time. I suppose where infidelity is involved it can easily sound like the relationship sucks... but I can honestly say if it weren't for how the relationship started, things would be completely different. I was still utterly screwed up when we met. I had ended a bad 6-year relationship about a year and a half earlier, and I was still very much affected by it. The guy I was with when I met my bf (who actually lived in another country and I did not see often) was essentially a mega rebound. I could probably fill a page with "if only's" but in the end it just comes down to the fact that I was in a messed up place, and because of that, I made some of the most regrettable decisions of my life.

 

Despite everything that has happened, our feelings for each other have remained surprisingly intact. Even in the worst of times, neither of us can bear the idea of this ending. We can never even stay angry with each other. It might sound cliche but we really click in a way that I believe I would have a hard time ever finding again. So yeah, I do believe it's worth saving. That's why we're struggling so hard to fix all of this.

 

Betrayal going both ways instead of just one however, complicates things. A lot. *sigh*

[Jess-Belle]

He's probably thinking, "This happened 7 months ago... I've apologized and tried to make her feel better, but enough is enough!"

 

He thinks you're holding onto this too long and is growing tired of not having equal footing in the relationship.

 

7 months of being the apologetic, subservient one would drive me to drink. (more)

 

Yes, I've considered that is quite likely part of it as well. If the statistics are correct however and it does take the average person a couple of years to get over getting betrayed, I think whoever does the cheating had better be prepared for the long haul if they intend on fixing things.

 

It's not even that I want him to be apologetic and subservient. To be honest, I am past the anger stage and have been for quite some time. I feel it is kind of pointless to attempt a reconciliation while holding on to anger. I have been incredibly sad and depressed but honestly, isn't that perfectly normal? This was a horribly traumatic event. I only began to find out about everything because I got an infection. A month after he denied his way out of that, the chick showed up at his apartment and did the whole tell-all right to my face, showed me pictures and everything. (Apparently he had used her and then ditched her, and she was unaware that he had still been with me the whole time. She wasn't too happy about that.) So when I'm going out of my skull with sadness, what am I supposed to do really? I mean he did this to me after all -- doesn't he owe it to me to help rebuild my trust in him and ease my pain and be my support? And just to re-emphasize, it's not like he's been a saint for 7 months and I am still inconsolable. He started avoiding talking about it barely two months out.

 

And he isn't on unequal footing at all -- I did him wrong in the beginning, and believe me, he does not hesitate to remind me. I've dedicated myself to making it up to him, to show him how much I regret that I hurt him that way.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are in couple's counseling (and I am in IC as well), and the therapist has told me that I need to give the relationship room to breathe and just stop talking about it for a while except for in therapy.

I think you're getting some good advice in IC. The catch-22 to your current situation is that every little fight or spat gets referenced back to the A. Either as proof that he's not trying hard enough or your not moving on. Might be time to just exist in the present for a while and put the heavy lifting off until you're better suited to handle it. I hope it gets better for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Owl]

It takes two years...at a minimum...to recover from infidelity. That's if the stars align, and everyone works their butt off trying to reconcile and rebuild. It takes far longer (or never happens) if BOTH parties aren't doing their part.

 

Seven months isn't long at all in the scope of this, especially when he's not given his best effort.

 

You need to get a counselor who understands the emotional trauma and has a good recovery plan for dealing with infidelity. Odds are high, you don't have one.

[Jess-Belle]

I think you're getting some good advice in IC. The catch-22 to your current situation is that every little fight or spat gets referenced back to the A. Either as proof that he's not trying hard enough or your not moving on. Might be time to just exist in the present for a while and put the heavy lifting off until you're better suited to handle it. I hope it gets better for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks Mr. Lucky. Just to clarify though, that advice was given to me by the couples therapist.

[Jess-Belle]

It takes two years...at a minimum...to recover from infidelity. That's if the stars align, and everyone works their butt off trying to reconcile and rebuild. It takes far longer (or never happens) if BOTH parties aren't doing their part.

 

Seven months isn't long at all in the scope of this, especially when he's not given his best effort.

 

You need to get a counselor who understands the emotional trauma and has a good recovery plan for dealing with infidelity. Odds are high, you don't have one.

 

You know, I've had my suspicions about what you're saying about the expertise of the counselor. To be honest though at this point I can't tell if it's that he simply isn't the best choice for dealing with this, or if there had been some miscommunication that the relationship between my bf and I was in a better place than it really is. Since I'm sure he sees couples at each other's throats on a regular basis, I am sure that is how it appeared. After all, almost five months went by before we finally decided to get into counseling, so things had already calmed down some. And his opinion so far is that he thinks we are doing quite well -- we have been following through on the reading and exercises he has been having us do, which initially caused a big improvement. But obviously the damage of betrayal runs deep, and this is coming out bit by bit. I alerted him to this last session (as well as over a couple of upset phone calls) and he acknowledged that yes, betrayal is a very difficult thing to work through. That's why he advised me/us to avoid talking about it except for when we are in session with him from now on, to give us the best chance at healing. It's kind of a slow process because we only see him every other week. It's just too damn expensive to do every week (luckily my mom pays for my IC). So I can't conclude yet if we have the best counselor for the job.

 

TBH the main reason I hesitated so long to insist on counseling was out of fear that we'd wind up with a crappy therapist. I used to have THE best therapist that I had seen various times throughout my life -- and tragically he died this year, just months before all of this happened *sigh*

 

How can you ensure that you're going to get a therapist who's truly an expert at dealing with these things? I mean it's usually just by word of mouth isn't it? If you don't have that then what can be done?

 

Just as an aside though, the couples therapist was the one who referred me to my IC -- who turned out to be an anger management specialist and is very very good. So clearly the couples therapist has a decent amount of perception...