spookie Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 To go on a political (and vaguely anti-semitic) rant. WTF? We talked for a couple of hours. I'm not sure how I feel. I think I'm still in love with him, but coming around to accepting that it's probably with the romanticized idea of him I have in my mind (which, beleive me, is just as hard to get over). He sounds crazy.
Author spookie Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 Ex-ex. First time making contact since about a month ago, when he told me he thought my interest in his friendship, which I'd expressed about 3 months prior to that, was phony; and that he didn't want to talk to me for a "long, long time". We effectively stopped talking in late June. I haven't seen him since May. I'm curious why all of a sudden he's reaching out (if that's what's going on).
Author spookie Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 (edited) Man... as I'm sitting here thinking about this, I'm realizing that I have actually moved on. Yes, my curiosity if piqued. And yes, I'm nostaligic as he!! for the idea of a pure love, which I believe we had. But that's not reality, the reality is that this guy is a freaking self-centered ********* (as evidenced by his comment to me mid-conversation about how he can't get along with anyone) who betrayed me, and honestly I don't even want to see him! Wow, I feel good. Edited February 20, 2008 by spookie
Belkin Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Well seems you answered your question on your own here! He's crazy, self-centered, betraying...and you don't want to see him
sedgwick Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 OT, but did you really date a guy with Asperger's? I very strongly suspect my ex may have had it. What was it like?
Author spookie Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 OT, but did you really date a guy with Asperger's? I very strongly suspect my ex may have had it. What was it like? It was great, he was a really nice guy and I think the Asperger's made him act in such a way that made me feel really secure. However, I just didn't feel anything for him, either because of residual feelings for the ex, because the sex was really awful (he was entirely inexpereinced, awkward, and we had zero chemistry) or because he came on so strong there was no mystery left whatsoever.
Author spookie Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 I'm unraveling. I don't understand why he has such a hold on me. He's not smart. He's not nice or kind or in possession of even a little bit of empathy. He doens't have a sense of humor and he's a liar, a hypocrite; a drug dealer and an addict. Admittedly, he's very physically attractive, but am I really that shallow? Is that really all it takes? I know I'd love him even if he became disfigured or put on 500 pounds, so I don't think that's it, either. Is it because I genuinely believe that the only way for me to "heal" from what has happened is to become pregnant again with his baby? In the dressing rooms at work, a lot of the girls talk about their children and their babydaddies (strippers aren't functional enough to have actual relationships before they get pregnant). They swap photos. They relate stories about diapers, childcares, first teeth. I eavesdrop intently, holding my breath. I look at their photos. I've never been as jealous of anyone as I am of these girls, these single mother alcoholics, who to turn to prostitution to raise their babies. I'm amazed at how smart they are to have known not to have abortions. I had an abortion. I'm never going to forgive myself for that. I know it would have been a boy. His name would have been Peter. He was pea-sized when I threw him away. My little bean, who was so helpless, who needed my love, my protection, more than anyone else ever will. I let someone suck him into a vacuum, with a gallon of blood, and throw him away. Insane as it is, I'm actually plotting ways to get the ex to sleep with me. So I can get pregnant. So I can ease this pain. Not to trap the ex. I realize it now: I don't actually care whether he's in my life or not. Nor do I care if I find "love" or not. I just want a baby. I think this the only way I'll be able to heal. And the alternative is living with the pain forever.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Spookie - I'm all for you having a baby, I think that is great. But why with him? Don't you want to be in a better position in your life so you can give that baby everything s/he deserves? That might even include a daddy if at all possible, but not necessarily.
Author spookie Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 Spookie - I'm all for you having a baby, I think that is great. But why with him? Don't you want to be in a better position in your life so you can give that baby everything s/he deserves? That might even include a daddy if at all possible, but not necessarily. Because, even though I don't like the person he's become, and I know *we* can't have a happily ever after after, I love him, unconditionally, for who he is. His mannerisms, the way his mind works: I'm in love with him and to me that means I'd rather have his baby over anyone else's, even if they were there for me. As far as not being in a good place in my life... yah, you're right about that. But maybe that's recursive. Maybe I'm not in a good place because I'm depressed; and this is the only way I can heal. No need to get freaked out since I don't even know if I'll see him again; he definitely avoided that topic in our convo; but I think if the opportunity with him arose, I would try to get pregnant.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 To go on a political (and vaguely anti-semitic) rant. ...He sounds crazy. You love how his mind works?
Author spookie Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 You love how his mind works? Heh. I guess not. I dunno what's wrong with me. There's my emotions. And there's what makes sense. And lately they haven't been aligned. I know 95% of what I wrote in this thread is crazy. Hopefully I have more sense where it matters IRL.
dfreeman Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 You love how his mind works? You beat me to the punch on this one - dang me that's funny!
Els Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I really think I do understand. You want to turn back time, don't you? If you get a baby again with your ex-ex, it can be as if the abortion never happened. It can replace the baby that you aborted, or at least somewhat make up for it. I won't tell you that you shouldn't, that things don't work that way, etc, though. I figure you posted this to vent, not because you really were considering it and wanted opinions. Just to tell you, I feel for you. I hope someday you'll be able to cope with this.
Author spookie Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 I really think I do understand. You want to turn back time, don't you? If you get a baby again with your ex-ex, it can be as if the abortion never happened. It can replace the baby that you aborted, or at least somewhat make up for it. I won't tell you that you shouldn't, that things don't work that way, etc, though. I figure you posted this to vent, not because you really were considering it and wanted opinions. Just to tell you, I feel for you. I hope someday you'll be able to cope with this. Thanks. Yah, I was just venting. Though, for a second there, I thought I saw it: my ticket out of this maze of misery, recursive mind-fcvking regret.
shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Man... as I'm sitting here thinking about this, I'm realizing that I have actually moved on. Yes, my curiosity if piqued. And yes, I'm nostaligic as he!! for the idea of a pure love, which I believe we had. But that's not reality, the reality is that this guy is a freaking self-centered ********* (as evidenced by his comment to me mid-conversation about how he can't get along with anyone) who betrayed me, and honestly I don't even want to see him! Wow, I feel good. How did he betray you?
shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I'm unraveling. I don't understand why he has such a hold on me. He's not smart. He's not nice or kind or in possession of even a little bit of empathy. He doens't have a sense of humor and he's a liar, a hypocrite; a drug dealer and an addict. Admittedly, he's very physically attractive, but am I really that shallow? Is that really all it takes? I know I'd love him even if he became disfigured or put on 500 pounds, so I don't think that's it, either. I know it would have been a boy. His name would have been Peter. He was pea-sized when I threw him away. My little bean, who was so helpless, who needed my love, my protection, more than anyone else ever will. I let someone suck him into a vacuum, with a gallon of blood, and throw him away. Insane as it is, I'm actually plotting ways to get the ex to sleep with me. So I can get pregnant. So I can ease this pain. Not to trap the ex. I realize it now: I don't actually care whether he's in my life or not. Nor do I care if I find "love" or not. I just want a baby. I think this the only way I'll be able to heal. And the alternative is living with the pain forever. Wow, and I thought I was crazy for being attracted to this friend of my bf's! But even he's at least smart, funny and not a drug dealer (despite his other major flaws). I really do wonder what it is you see in your ex. Do you think you could describe it in words? I know you felt you guys had a pure love, but what inspired that love for him in you? There must have been something. I don't understand this baby business. You're nowhere near mature enough to have a baby, Spookie. Don't you realize that? It would be a tragic mistake. It was a great thing that you aborted it. That baby would not have grown up in a happy environment. One day you'll get there, but you're not ready yet. I feel terribly sorry for the children of those strippers/prostitutes. Besides which why do you want to have a child with your ex and perpetuate his negative genes? Wouldn't you rather have a child with someone who would pass down positive traits? And it would be incredibly manipulative and twisted to sleep with your ex in order to get pregnant. He may not be a good person, but it still would be incredibly unfair to him. How can you love him and want to do that?
shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Spookie - I'm all for you having a baby, I think that is great. But why with him? Don't you want to be in a better position in your life so you can give that baby everything s/he deserves? That might even include a daddy if at all possible, but not necessarily. Are you insane????! I can't believe you're encouraging her on this. She would not only be ruining her own life an chance at happiness but dragging an innocent child down with her. I can't emphasize what a terrible mistake it would be.
shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 (edited) Because, even though I don't like the person he's become, and I know *we* can't have a happily ever after after, I love him, unconditionally, for who he is. His mannerisms, the way his mind works: I'm in love with him and to me that means I'd rather have his baby over anyone else's, even if they were there for me. As far as not being in a good place in my life... yah, you're right about that. But maybe that's recursive. Maybe I'm not in a good place because I'm depressed; and this is the only way I can heal. No need to get freaked out since I don't even know if I'll see him again; he definitely avoided that topic in our convo; but I think if the opportunity with him arose, I would try to get pregnant.[/quote] Spookie, WTF. *shakes head* You can NOT use a baby to fill some void in your life. That would be so selfish and unfair. Don't you see that? You're depressed because you're avoiding doing the things that would actually improve your life (studying, getting into therapy) and engaging in unhealthy behavior (stripping, snorting cocaine, fantasizing about getting pregnant) that will ulitmately erode your self esteem. Happiness comes from the inside; another person (especially a baby) can't provide it. And manipulating someone to get you pregnant?? I'm going to give you the same advice others have been giving me. Work on improving yourself and your own life. Don't look for something unhealthy to fill the void. Don't drag somebody else who is innocent through the muck with you. We're talking about an innocent child here. It's so unfair. Edited February 22, 2008 by shadowplay
shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 BTW, I apologize if I came off as unduly, Harsh. I realize you were probably just venting and not entirely serious in some of what you said.
Author spookie Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Shadow, no worries, I was just venting. I'm not crazy, though I know it sounds like it sometimes. I wouldn't get pregnant on purpose when I'm not ready for a child (or would I? even as I type this there's a part of me that's whispering, "Liar.") Alright. Don't worry, cause it's unlikely that I'll ever see him again, much less sleep with him, much less convince him to have sex with me without a condom when I'm ovulating. Blah. TBH his contact has sort of pushed me off the deep end. What he and I really had in common was a distaste for society and the same unattainable artistic ambitions, although I don't think either of us trusted the other about our commitment to that kind of lifestyle. I was always pushing him to say fvkc you, society, to be true to himself, etc., but as soon as he decided to be, he was done with me, I didn't fit into his plan anymore, I wanted marriage and he didn't even want friendship. Well, now I'm living it, our little dream, a little house in east Austin where i grow my my own food and a job that allows me to do nothing all day; though not by choice; and I'm not happy (though at least now I know who I am); and he's still frustrated, "trapped". Talking to him made me feel like someone understood me, or could, cause while I think he has the potential to, I don't think he trusts anything I say about myself, I think he thinks I say it to win him over. Ugh. How did he betray me? He dumped me 2 weeks following the abortion, when going in, he had promised that I would do this now so we could have kids when we were ready, later. Had I known he was going to break up with, I wouldn't have had the abortion. Not to trap him, but because I want his genes. And anytime would have been better than never. That's crazy. I know. I just feel like - I don't even care about love anymore, but I want a child. And his would be the perfect sperm. (He is smart in all the ways I'm not, cute, super-healthy.) Blah. I'm insane, I know. This post isn't even going to make sense, it's full of contradictions. I say I don't want love, but I want him to understand me. WTF is up with that? Thanks. Yah, I was just venting. Though, for a second there, I thought I saw it: my ticket out of this maze of misery and recursive mind-fcvking regret.
dfreeman Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Ugh. How did he betray me? He dumped me 2 weeks following the abortion, when going in, he had promised that I would do this now so we could have kids when we were ready, later. Had I known he was going to break up with, I wouldn't have had the abortion. Not to trap him, but because I want his genes. And anytime would have been better than never. Sorry to break this to ya, but you've fallen victim to the Tom Leykis Hail-Mary Pass. Tom talks about this all the time on his radio show as a last-resort tactic to get a girl to have an abortion. Sorry this guy did this to you, but you would be surprised how often it works.
Recommended Posts