attention

February 20, 2008

Based on what you've said thus far, looks like norajane is right. You are dealing with a woman who is behaving immaturely, one suffering from spoil-me-rotten-i'm-a-princess syndrome. She is used to getting what she wants from you. You are always available, always accessible...so the rare times that you are not, she gets upset.

Time to have a chat with her.

February 20, 2008

Don't get me wrong, she has been great, too. I'm not saying that on the subject of "what have you done for me lately" it's all me. My simple point is that I think for her to freak out because I didn't text her for two hours while I was having dinner and visiting with my parents - even though I answered when she called at dinner, and called her the instant I left - is out of control.

It would make sense to me that if this girl suffers from spoiled brat syndrome... it should also manifest itself at other times as well.

How does she act when you don't give her what she wants? Does she throw tantrums like this all the time?

How does she handle arguments and disagreements with you?

February 20, 2008

No, it is not reasonable for her to complain when you spend two hours with your parents who you rarely see!

However, I don't think this is the real issue. I honestly don't think her complaint was that you didn't call her back or text her while you were at your parents' house.

This part really sticks out to me in what you said "even if there were other times where I legitimately IGNORED her calls for whatever reason"
Do you mean you deliberately didn't take her calls because you were in a meeting, were driving, your phone was dead etc? or you were ignoring her calls to "punish her" for something she did to upset you?

I have never ignored her calls unless I was in a situation where I couldn't answer such as a meeting. My "even if" was just a hypothetical that even if I had ignored her at times I could have answered, how does that change that I did nothing wrong by not texting her during the two hours I was with my parents?

As Star Gazer pointed out most rational adults aren't going to get so upset over something little like this. So I'm thinking that its something bigger that is bothering her. yes, she is lashing out in a very immature way but I think you should talk to her and find out what is really bothering her. It sounds like you do put a lot of time and effort into the relationship but for some reason she doesn't see it that way. We only have your point of view (I'm not saying it isn't accurate) but your gf may see things from a different perspective. Talk to her.

I have been trying. You should hear the nasty things she said (texted) about me and my parents. She has now told me this relationship is officially over.

I told her it's the reaction, the way she handled it, that's the problem. If she had answered when I called as I was leaving my parents', said she was upset she hadn't heard from me, but understands I didn't get her texts and was visiting my parents, that would have been it. But instead she ignored me for over an hour, hung up on me when I called, called me and my parents nasty names, and just generally went off the deep end accusing me of not loving her, of not giving her the attention she deserves, threatening to ignore me back (for days), to go out with other people, to "get the attention she deserves" and on and on.

February 20, 2008

RE:

Bluntly put:

Thoughts?

You are in denial.

Sand&Water

February 20, 2008

I really don't understand why you guys are getting on this guy's case for not being there for her and not being understanding of her. She's thrown hissy fits that he didn't call her enough while his dad was in surgery for Pet's sake and blah blah - how do you not see that he's as close to p*ssy whipped as a guy can get and she's still not satisfied because it's all about her?

Yikes! I should have read through this thread before I replied.

Yes, yes, yes to everything NJ has said. I don't care what her underlying issue is, if there even is one. She is old enough to discuss her issues with some degree of maturity and not act like a spoilt 3 year old.

He did nothing wrong, why is he now having to justify his behavior over the last 8 months? It sounds as though because some posters feel they were mistreated by their SO's, this guy is automatically guilty.

flguy - what does she do for you?

February 20, 2008

Someone very wise said this:

It does seem odd that she has suddenly become so needy/insecure. Do you think she was always like this but it was masked by the fact that you seem to have engaged in an inordinate amount of contact? Or has something changes in the r/s?

She has always been very needy and insecure. She has tried to force me to stop traveling for work. Then after we talk about it she'll agree that it's necessary, and recently told me she had a problem with it early on but now feels more secure in the relationship and can handle it. Now I think she really can't. She can't handle me being away for more than a couple hours. After we've spent days together, if she has to go to school and so I go home - within a half hour she's calling or texting me about how much she misses me.

February 20, 2008

I really don't understand why you guys are getting on this guy's case for not being there for her and not being understanding of her. She's thrown hissy fits that he didn't call her enough while his dad was in surgery for Pet's sake and blah blah - how do you not see that he's as close to p*ssy whipped as a guy can get and she's still not satisfied because it's all about her?

He's glued to her side to the point has has NO OTHER FRIENDS and NO OTHER LIFE except for her. What more can he possibly do?

Actually NoraJane, I am not getting on his case. I am saying "ASK HER IF THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE THAT BOTHERED HER THAT LED TO HER ACTING UNCHARACTERISTICALLY UPSET."

I agree, her ignoring him or not wanting to talk it out was immature. She'd have a right to say "I felt disappointed that you didn't text me back" and leave it at that, but ignoring him to punish him WAS flat out wrong. What I am saying is that ONE INSTANCE of flipping out typically means something has been bothering that person for a while.

That does not excuse effectively punishing him and refusing to talk to him and using text for that conversation.

There are two issues here.

(1) Why was she really upset? What were the REAL reasons? Flguy might have some responsibility there.

(2) How she reacted, refusing to talk about it on the phone and not compromising to find a solution. She has responsibility there.

Number 2 is a potential dealbreaker for him, and it should be. But perhaps she has dealbreakers under number 1. All I am suggesting is ASK HER IF ANYTHING ELSE WAS BOTHERING HER AND WHAT THE REAL REASONS FOR HER BEHAVING THAT WAY WERE.

February 20, 2008

"I have been trying. You should hear the nasty things she said (texted) about me and my parents. She has now told me this relationship is officially over.

I told her it's the reaction, the way she handled it, that's the problem. If she had answered when I called as I was leaving my parents', said she was upset she hadn't heard from me, but understands I didn't get her texts and was visiting my parents, that would have been it. But instead she ignored me for over an hour, hung up on me when I called, called me and my parents nasty names, and just generally went off the deep end accusing me of not loving her, of not giving her the attention she deserves, threatening to ignore me back (for days), to go out with other people, to "get the attention she deserves" and on and on."

She's a bitch. Really. What the heck are you still with her for? Bitching to you and being rude to you is one thing. Involving your unsuspecting parents by insulting them and calling them names??? That is unacceptable. She's lucky she's not my SO.

February 20, 2008

It would make sense to me that if this girl suffers from spoiled brat syndrome... it should also manifest itself at other times as well.

How does she act when you don't give her what she wants? Does she throw tantrums like this all the time?

Not "all the time" but this definitely isn't the first time. If there's a movie she wants to see and I don't, it's a big problem - I don't love her, I don't care, I'm not attentive. If she decides at 1am she wants something from the store (on a night I have to work at 9am the next morning) and I don't want to go - I don't love her, I don't care, I'm not attentive. Those are two examples out of many.

How does she handle arguments and disagreements with you?

No argument is ever over until she forces me to apologize, no matter what the situation. Sometimes she's right, sometimes she's not - but the common thread is I always break down and apologize.

Every argument comes down to her saying things like "you don't love me" "you don't care" "we need a break" "I'm going to do this to you and see how you like it".

I haven't been a perfect angel when I've been mad, of course. We both agree we have said things out of anger we don't mean, but her refrain is consistent.

February 20, 2008

She has always been very needy and insecure. She has tried to force me to stop traveling for work. Then after we talk about it she'll agree that it's necessary, and recently told me she had a problem with it early on but now feels more secure in the relationship and can handle it. Now I think she really can't. She can't handle me being away for more than a couple hours. After we've spent days together, if she has to go to school and so I go home - within a half hour she's calling or texting me about how much she misses me.

So she's deeply insecure and has a need to control you as a way of "relieving" her insecurity. Problem is, it doesn't work.

Absent therapy, she's not likely to change so the only question for you is: Can you live with this? It will get worse, not better, over time.

February 20, 2008

Yikes! I should have read through this thread before I replied.

Yes, yes, yes to everything NJ has said. I don't care what her underlying issue is, if there even is one. She is old enough to discuss her issues with some degree of maturity and not act like a spoilt 3 year old.

He did nothing wrong, why is he now having to justify his behavior over the last 8 months? It sounds as though because some posters feel they were mistreated by their SO's, this guy is automatically guilty.

flguy - what does she do for you?

Well, she doesn't buy me things because she can't. I understand, she's in school and her funds are limited. So let's see, she spends time with me, cooks for me, gives me massages and things like that. (of course, I do those things for her, too). The sad part is that I am now realizing I can't come up with much more than that.

February 20, 2008

Actually NoraJane, I am not getting on his case. I am saying "ASK HER IF THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE THAT BOTHERED HER THAT LED TO HER ACTING UNCHARACTERISTICALLY UPSET."

I agree, her ignoring him or not wanting to talk it out was immature. She'd have a right to say "I felt disappointed that you didn't text me back" and leave it at that, but ignoring him to punish him WAS flat out wrong. What I am saying is that ONE INSTANCE of flipping out typically means something has been bothering that person for a while.

That does not excuse effectively punishing him and refusing to talk to him and using text for that conversation.

There are two issues here.
(1) Why was she really upset? What were the REAL reasons? Flguy might have some responsibility there.
(2) How she reacted, refusing to talk about it on the phone and not compromising to find a solution. She has responsibility there.

Number 2 is a potential dealbreaker for him, and it should be. But perhaps she has dealbreakers under number 1. All I am suggesting is ASK HER IF ANYTHING ELSE WAS BOTHERING HER AND WHAT THE REAL REASONS FOR HER BEHAVING THAT WAY WERE.

Where do you get that she was "uncharacteristically upset". From everything he's written, it sounds like she gets upset about this stuff on a regular basis, like when he was with his dad while he was in surgery. Like telling him he shouldn't travel for business, when he only works one or two days a week anyway, etc. ad nauseum.

The only reason she's not upset more often is because he is glued to her side so, really, she has no opportunity to complain that he's not there.

February 20, 2008

OK, more of her behaviors are coming out now that you are sharing the details of your relationship.

That was the point SG and I were getting at. If this was truly an uncharacteristic, isolated event, it's not that you would be to blame, it's that there would be more to the story and I'd suggest you find it out.

But it sounds like she is a bit of a needy princess and this was not an isolated incident. In that case, you need to put your foot down and tell her that the way she communicates these issues is damaging to your relationship.

February 20, 2008

Not "all the time" but this definitely isn't the first time. If there's a movie she wants to see and I don't, it's a big problem - I don't love her, I don't care, I'm not attentive. If she decides at 1am she wants something from the store (on a night I have to work at 9am the next morning) and I don't want to go - I don't love her, I don't care, I'm not attentive. Those are two examples out of many.

No argument is ever over until she forces me to apologize, no matter what the situation. Sometimes she's right, sometimes she's not - but the common thread is I always break down and apologize.

Every argument comes down to her saying things like "you don't love me" "you don't care" "we need a break" "I'm going to do this to you and see how you like it".

I haven't been a perfect angel when I've been mad, of course. We both agree we have said things out of anger we don't mean, but her refrain is consistent.

Have you ever had another girlfriend, a serious gf, before this one? Because this is NOT what relationships are like, not healthy ones.

February 20, 2008

Where do you get that she was "uncharacteristically upset". From everything he's written, it sounds like she gets upset about this stuff on a regular basis, like when he was with his dad while he was in surgery. Like telling him he shouldn't travel for business, when he only works one or two days a week anyway, etc. ad nauseum.

The only reason she's not upset more often is because he is glued to her side so, really, she has no opportunity to complain that he's not there.

From his initial post it sounded like this was an isolated issue. The more he has written, I no longer agree with that.

February 20, 2008

OK, more of her behaviors are coming out now that you are sharing the details of your relationship.

That was the point SG and I were getting at. If this was truly an uncharacteristic, isolated event, it's not that you would be to blame, it's that there would be more to the story and I'd suggest you find it out.

But it sounds like she is a bit of a needy princess and this was not an isolated incident. In that case, you need to put your foot down and tell her that the way she communicates these issues is damaging to your relationship.

Do you really see this as an issue of communication? Because I see it as an issue of unrealistic expectations and demands on her part.

February 20, 2008

It's put tears to my eyes to hear Paul's one sided story and have strangers- who know nothing about what he is like or who I am as a person-pick me apart.

I am appalled that you put this on here without my permission and then emailed me this one sided story of yours and strangers chastisement. I plan on ending this relationship as a result of you bringing my personal life here without my permission.

I have given alot more than I've received in this relationship. Time wise, sexual wise, emotionally.

There's always two sides to a story:

Mon and Tues we communicated all day. That is a lie. he was at work and I specifically told him when ur at work or in a hospital or have an emergency it's completely understandable that you cannot and will not txt or keep in touch. He never calls me. He has some phobia or something with making a phone call. I can't say always bc it's a very strong word. However there are very few times where Paul CALLS me. I frequently receive impersonal txts. If he does call and I miss him. NO VOICEMAIL. He was at work Mon. And Tues and I called him first both days. We spoke for 5 mins during his break those two days and video chat at night. My girlfriend was over and shes my only friend here so it's nice to have her over. I find myself putting her aside for Paul so that I don't ignore HIM. I sat and spoke with him while doing her nails. I even put on a movie for her and chatted with Paul instead of her.

Video chatting is something new for us and came about as a result of my complaints that he doesn't communicate enough. There have been many business and family trips over the past 8 months. Ones where I wouldn't hear from him all day then at night he was "too tired" to speak to me. I really never complained and I felt as though it wasn't my place bc it was too soon in the relationship. STAR GAZER you have some sort of sixth sense. You're 100% correct about my blowing up. I try not to. However, when he completely misses what I am trying to communicate and calls me crazy or says my daddy ****ed my head up when he left I just get hurt and I feel betrayed that he would take my call for help as an attack on him. I make a statement and he immediately takes it to the next level with name calling or mentioning something I did. Numerous conversations have been turned into a huge deathmatch and he has physically abused me more than two times. When I asked that he stop talking to an ex he was initmate with and whom lives 5 minutes away from him. he turned it into an argument. I asked nicely. I said I'm not comfortable with you seeing and speaking to her at 9pm ad throughout the day early in the morning If you're with me you need to let your exes go. this is the relationship I want. If you don't like it then I'm not the girl for you. He has kicked my chihuahua and I out of his home in the middle of the night (2am) twice. The last time was because I said my ex (who lives in another state) would never treat me like a doormat like he has. He got jealous and decided it was time for us to leave. Eventhough I had two glasses of wine. So I said he would have to call the police, let me stay until I was sober or hit me and drag me out (bc he's done that) he chose to call the police. There was nothing to report just that he wanted me out. The police provided transportation for me to go home (30 mins away) and he begged for me to fogive his nasty decision the next day. Even after I said that I needed some time to really figure out if I want to stay in the relationship. I needed space to think about things because the first time (about 5 months prior) I didn't have my apartment yet (aka homeless) and he kicked me out with all my belongings to sleep in the hallway (I had called his ex who had called at 9pm that night and told her she was interferring with the relationship and asked if he mentioned that I wasn't comfortable with their "friendship" and wanted him to move on and focus on me).

I just don't say what I feel sometimes. I wait until he does things two, three times then I make a point to mention all the other times and try to put an end to the pattern. First off I've been hit more than two times by this man. This is something that has already ruined my security with him. My exes never hit me. I have dealt with lies and many days weeks with him gone. Stories about him traveling with a married buddy to pay for sex w young girls in Dominican Republic. Blow jobs from strippers. I've put up with alot. I have given him space and time to do what he wants. But my biggest complaints have been for affection and attention. Just be there. I said "one text would have solved everything. If you had texted me once during those two hours then I would believe that your phone didnt receive the first four" Honestly that has never happened. he always gets my txts right away. But I didn't call, I didn't "harass" him. I waited to see what he would do. he only reahed to keep in touch AFTER he was in his car and away from his mom. He left the hotel room he was sharing with her once to call me in the lobby (bc I COMPLAINED about him not saying I love you in front of her, not calling me but two times for the day for a few short minutes) I really wasn't upset then. but now I see that I am not first on his list. For me, I want to love and marry someone that will put me first unless they're UNABLE to. HE was able to last night. There was an instance where my phone had died and while going to my car for my charger he was calling and when I got back up he overreacted and I said hey hey my charger was downstairs and my phone died. Do you know he said last night was the same? His phone was not dead, he was not in a restaurant for the last two hrs. How much does it take to send a short three word txt??

I am not a "princess" or immature. I felt as though telling him how I felt was the right choice. i didn't answer his calls initially because I needed to let go some steam and figure out if I should tell him and have him yell and call me names or just say I fell asleep and answer in the morning and start putting my priorities first. Like all the reading and projects I have due next week. I was contemplating whether I should focus on those things and brush him aside like he has done to me numerous times My exact words were would you rather me ignore you for a few days while I clean up my place, do school work and get my life organized or should I go do what makes me feel better? that was in response to him calling me crazy and unreasonable repeatedly. I just wanted to discuss why I felt ignored. I wanted to make a point that I have given him 100% affection and all my free time and all I want is for him to see my side and try to sympathize. I will not get behind on my reading anymore because I'm up late watching a movie with him or fulfilling his fantasies. I will not put my friends after him anymore. He calls, I'm out and I answer immediately or I'm txting him constantly while shopping or having lunch w my girlfriend. he asks for pics of me when I'm out, I guess to see where I'm at. I send him whatever he asks for. i answer, answer, answer. Well I'm not getting it in return and yes one of you said it wll get worse. So since he's not reciprocating I will focus on my goals and what makes me happy. ITS NOT A PUNISHMENT, it's a REPERCUSSION.

Because I have seen where I stand when he's around his parents. Those four texts were actually an emergency. he failed to mention that or the fact that I don't usually harass him like that. Is this harassment:

How much is the parking garage across the street from me? No spots anywhere. (I had been driving around for 20 mins)

A dollar an hr?

Hellooo

Have a goodnight.

Those were my four txts. Which took him 2 and a half hrs to get back to me.He never even thought to txt me on his own. After all Ive been through I have a right to feel brushed off.

February 20, 2008

OK, more of her behaviors are coming out now that you are sharing the details of your relationship.

That was the point SG and I were getting at. If this was truly an uncharacteristic, isolated event, it's not that you would be to blame, it's that there would be more to the story and I'd suggest you find it out.

But it sounds like she is a bit of a needy princess and this was not an isolated incident. In that case, you need to put your foot down and tell her that the way she communicates these issues is damaging to your relationship.

Right. He said this one instant was "over the top" and "out of line." What I was getting at was simply ASKING whether or not this was an isolated event, because if it was, then he'd have to take a closer look at his own behavior in the relationship. But if what he's saying is true, her behavior throughout the course of their relationship has been over the top and out of line.

February 20, 2008

I got you a $400.00 Roomba for ur tiles...I got you a 4150 massage for V day. I let you go to bi girl parties with me. He had an 8 yr relationship where he broke up with her every few months too. he threw water in her face kicked her out of the car far away from home where police had to drive her home. She abused him physically and now he takes it out on me. Though for the past 3 months he hasnt touched me. he broke my phone twice.

February 20, 2008

First off I've been hit more than two times by this man. This is something that has already ruined my security with him. My exes never hit me. I have dealt with lies and many days weeks with him gone. Stories about him traveling with a married buddy to pay for sex w young girls in Dominican Republic. Blow jobs from strippers. I've put up with alot.

Why are you still with him, then? Why put up with that kind of behavior? He hits you?

This so doesn't match up with this:

Yes, she is the #1 priority in my life. I spend all my free time with her, take her on trips, buy her clothes and jewelry and makeup and things for school, help her with her schoolwork, take her out to dinners and clubs, shower her with love and affection. Somebody else said something about eventually I won't have a life - well that's already the case. I don't have any other friends, I never go out unless I'm with her, I'm either with her or working (or she's in class). Early in the relationship I took her into my home because she had to move out of her old place and couldn't find anything right away. I even went on a business trip and trusted her to stay at my place alone. I took care of her after she had surgery and then complications. I loaned her money to get her apartment. I took her to meet my parents where they live. I went with her to meet her family where they live. I bought her a $700 item she needed for school. I take her to get her hair and nails done all the time. The list goes on and on and on.

What kind of games are you two playing with each other here?

February 20, 2008

I didn't ignore him to punish him. I neeeded time to see if I should bring it up or not. He called me 23 times and hung up and txt me 11 more. I needed time to think things through before I just exploded which happened anyway bc of his response. First thing out of his mouth: DON"T START THIS ****!!

February 20, 2008

DAYUM.

Both of you have unhealthy expectations and communication patterns.

February 20, 2008

No argument is ever over until she forces me to apologize, no matter what the situation. Sometimes she's right, sometimes she's not - but the common thread is I always break down and apologize.

Every argument comes down to her saying things like "you don't love me" "you don't care" "we need a break" "I'm going to do this to you and see how you like it".

I haven't been a perfect angel when I've been mad, of course. We both agree we have said things out of anger we don't mean, but her refrain is consistent.

Holy crap! Yeah, she is an immature spoiled little brat. You both need to figure out how to work through problems without all this BS!

She threatens to break up all the time? Doesn't that affect you? Doesn't it make you want to just dump her right then and there? Or does it make you afraid she will leave you?

You need to figure out if she says that crap because she believes it... or because it's an argument tactic to win... to hurt your feelings and make you apologize.

Either way its complete crap... especially for someone 25, and I assume in grad school.

February 20, 2008

Holy crap! Yeah, she is an immature spoiled little brat. You both need to figure out how to work through problems without all this BS!

She threatens to break up all the time? Doesn't that affect you? Doesn't it make you want to just dump her right then and there? Or does it make you afraid she will leave you?

You need to figure out if she says that crap because she believes it... or because it's an argument tactic to win... to hurt your feelings and make you apologize.

Either way its complete crap... especially for someone 25, and I assume in grad school.

Read Post #42 STAT, dude.

February 20, 2008

This is the most entertaining thing since Souplantation... It's like Springer comes to LS. Now all we need is the Dominican BJ queens to post or the girls from the bi-girl parties...

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