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February 20, 2008

For a little background, I am 33 and my girlfriend is 25. We have been dating exclusively since last June. We spend a ton of time together. My job affords me a lot of free time. We spend nearly every day together, and every night is either at my place together or at hers. She is in school, so that's about the only time we're apart when I'm not working. Sometimes I have to travel for work, and this is one of those times. I made the three hour drive Sunday night and go home Friday night. Sunday and Monday night and all day Monday and Tuesday I either talked with her on the phone or texted her or video-chatted on AIM with her...constantly. I text with her while I'm at work, I call her at lunch, I call her when I get off work, and when I get back to the hotel we video-chat on AIM. I have been running on about four hours sleep each night because I'm talking to her.

Now, it just so happens that my parents (who live 1400 miles away) happen to have rented a house for the month about an hour from where I'm working. So last night after work I drove over there to have dinner with them. I called my gf at about 5:30pm when I was leaving work to go to see my parents. She couldn't talk because she was in the library and had class starting at 6pm. She texted me "class til 8."

I got to my parents at 7pm. They showed me around their house and we went out to eat, got there about 8pm. We had been sitting for a few minutes looking at the menus and such, and I pulled out my phone to text my gf about how I miss her and wish she was there with me. I was literally an instant from pressing send and she called. I answered, we spoke for a few moments - I told her where we were and that we were just sitting down to dinner. I said I love you (she claims I didn't) and we both hung up.

She texted me four times between 8:20pm and 9:20pm. I didn't receive any of them (more on that later). My parents and I had dinner and went back to their house around 9:15pm. I sat and talked with my parents until about 10:15pm and got in the car to leave. The moment I drove out of the driveway I called my gf. She didn't answer and as I put the phone down all four text messages came in at once.

Over the course of my hour and 15 minute drive I called and texted her numerous times and she ignored me. Finally she answered and the rest of the night was one big long argument via text message (because she refused to talk to me) about how I don't give her the attention she wants, I'm not loving and attentive, etc etc etc - all because I didn't text or call her in the two hours I spent with my parents (who I see usually about twice a year).

I told her she is way out of line, and that it's unbelievable she would be so upset because I spent a couple hours with my parents. She kept saying things like "I'm going to find someone who will put me first" or "give me the attention I deserve". Saying things like "I'm going to be very busy Friday night when you come home so don't plan on seeing me" or "how about I ignore you for a few days and see how you feel."

Totally over the top and out of line, in my opinion. I mean, we're literally talking about TWO HOURS I spent with my parents, and she's mad - I mean, MAD - that I didn't text her during that time. She also brought up how I didn't talk to her enough a couple months ago when I was in my parents' hometown visiting them for four days - because my dad had SURGERY and was in the hospital. I spent all day every day at the hospital and every evening with my mom, and my gf is upset I didn't call and text her enough.

Thoughts?

February 20, 2008

I'm thinking this had to be the last straw on the camel's back. She might not have mentioned it before, but I have a sneaking suspicion that many of her texts/calls have gone answered for periods of time during the course of your relationship. True?

February 20, 2008

I'm thinking this had to be the last straw on the camel's back. She might not have mentioned it before, but I have a sneaking suspicion that many of her texts/calls have gone answered for periods of time during the course of your relationship. True?

No, not true. The only time I wouldn't answer was if I was at work and in a meeting or something like that - and even then I would at least text her. When I was visiting my dad in the hospital, and sharing a room with my mom, I frequently went to the hospital lobby to call her, and also went to the hotel lobby to talk to her on the phone for a while. We're talking about 1000+ texts per month and hundreds of phone calls. Constant communication via text, phone, IM. I spend two hours with my parents and don't text her (even though I answered her call while sitting at the table with them) and she's freaking out.

February 20, 2008

Wow SG bad morning?

I would seriously consider ending things with this girl, she is way too high maintenance/spoiled/childish drama queen.

Since I dout you will actually end it I think you need to listen to precisely what she is saying. When you get home, go home, to YOUR house. When she pitches a fit over that - tell her you were just doing as she said, she said she'd be busy.

She needs to learn there are reprecussions to what she says - and she needs to learn that sometimes other people come first.

I wish you lots of luck, you are gong to need it.

February 20, 2008

Wow, what a needy little immature crybaby! Time to put your foot down and tell her that you do not appreciate being harassed by her for taking time out to have dinner with your parents. And if she chooses to be "busy" on Friday or for a few days, you agree that is certainly her choice to make, but you would lose some respect for her if she does that to "punish" you.

Frankly, I would dump someone who behaves like this, but I'm guessing you won't consider that, so at least stop being a doormat for her to wipe her little princess feet on. You aren't required to be at her beck and call constantly, and if you don't make that known, her expectations will only escalate until you have no life of your own.

You are older than her - be the mature one and don't buy into her pouting fits. Even if you had gotten all her texts during dinner, it would have been exceedingly rude of you to be texting or calling her at the dinner table. She needs to learn some manners as well as some dignity.

February 20, 2008

Wow SG bad morning?

Huh??? Not at all.

I doubt any reasonable person would flip out after 8 months of perfection over 2 short hours of no contact. People often blow up after holding something in for a long, long time. This might not be about phone calls and texts, or seeing his parents. Perhaps she feels neglected in other ways. That's why I said what I did. OP then clarified that he's always in contact with her... so I guess she is a completely unreasonable person after all.

Edited February 20, 2008 by Star Gazer

February 20, 2008

Huh??? Not at all.

I doubt any reasonable person would flip out after 8 months of perfection over 2 short hours of no contact. People often blow up after holding something in for a long, long time. This might not be about phone calls and texts, or seeing his parents. Perhaps she feels neglected in other ways. That's why I said what I did. OP then clarified that he's always in contact with her... so I guess she is a completely unreasonable person after all.

I never said the relationship was 8 months of perfection. As far as being in contact with her, we're either together or constantly talking, texting, IMing. Even if there were other times where I legitimately ignored her calls for whatever reason, is it reasonable for her to complain when I spend two hours with my parents who I rarely see?

February 20, 2008

I never said the relationship was 8 months of perfection. As far as being in contact with her, we're either together or constantly talking, texting, IMing. Even if there were other times where I legitimately ignored her calls for whatever reason, is it reasonable for her to complain when I spend two hours with my parents who I rarely see?

You're not understanding me. I know you didn't say it was 8 months of perfection. That's precisely my point. IF it HAD been perfect, she'd be an unreasonable crybaby, and I'd suggest you run like the wind.

But you're admitting that it hasn't been perfect. Which leads me to think she's been harboring some hurt/resentment/feelings of neglect for quite a while now, and though the situation with your parents might not have been a good example for her to focus on, it's probably one of many where she's felt neglected.

You're focusing on these two hours with your parents. I think she's thinking about the entire course of your relationship. Listen to what she's saying - she wants to feel like she's a priority in your life. Is she? How do you show her that? Only you know... I'm just looking at her behavior and thinkin' about where it's coming from... Most adults don't throw complete hissy fits over nothing.

February 20, 2008

Star, even if she did have legitimate issues (which it doesn't sound like considering he's got over 1000 texts per month in his phone!), she didn't want to discuss them with him. She just wanted to bitch, over TEXT, no less, and threaten him with finding another man and punishing him by being busy.

Finally she answered and the rest of the night was one big long argument via text message (because she refused to talk to me) about how I don't give her the attention she wants, I'm not loving and attentive, etc etc etc - all because I didn't text or call her in the two hours I spent with my parents (who I see usually about twice a year).

I told her she is way out of line, and that it's unbelievable she would be so upset because I spent a couple hours with my parents. She kept saying things like "I'm going to find someone who will put me first" or "give me the attention I deserve". Saying things like "I'm going to be very busy Friday night when you come home so don't plan on seeing me" or "how about I ignore you for a few days and see how you feel."

flguy, you said she did all this during text while driving home...how the hell did you manage to text and drive at the same time?

February 20, 2008

You're focusing on these two hours with your parents. I think she's thinking about the entire course of your relationship. Listen to what she's saying - she wants to feel like she's a priority in your life. Is she? How do you show her that? Only you know... I'm just looking at her behavior and thinkin' about where it's coming from... Most adults don't throw complete hissy fits over nothing.

Very good point!

Also, I notice some of her wording implies that her complaint is about Quality time... not Quantity. Important distinction there.

Of course she could be just so used to having it good that she takes it for granted...

February 20, 2008

Star, even if she did have legitimate issues (which it doesn't sound like considering he's got over 1000 texts per month in his phone!), she didn't want to discuss them with him. She just wanted to bitch, over TEXT, no less, and threaten him with finding another man and punishing him by being busy.

I'm not saying she handled it well. I'm only focusing on why she's upset to begin with.

February 20, 2008

Also, I notice some of her wording implies that her complaint is about Quality time... not Quantity. Important distinction there.

Good point as well. Texting means very little when you're not spending quality time with her. And if all you have is texting and phone calls, to not receive even that...despite reasonable circumstances...can be quite frustrating.

February 20, 2008

I'm not saying she handled it well. I'm only focusing on why she's upset to begin with.

I get what you're saying, but when you consider this, I honestly don't know how much more attention one can give to a person:

We spend a ton of time together. My job affords me a lot of free time. We spend nearly every day together, and every night is either at my place together or at hers.

Plus all the texting, calls, and video chatting on AIM.

February 20, 2008

I get what you're saying, but when you consider this, I honestly don't know how much more attention one can give to a person:

We spend nearly every day together, and every night is either at my place together or at hers.

Plus all the texting, calls, and video chatting on AIM.

Honestly, Ex and I had the same thing. But I still didn't feel like a priority. We had tons of QUANTITY, but the QUALITY was missing. Even when he was present, he wasn't all there.

Of course, she could expect him to be at her beck and call. That's possible. But it's just as possible that she feels legitimately neglected.

February 20, 2008

As SG and Cobra have mentioned, there might be more to this than meets the eye. She may be focusing her anger on the two hours you spent with your parents...but it might have to do with a whole lot more than just that particular incident. Has she expressed similar sentiments previously?

I agree that she handled herself poorly. And in the event that she does have a legitimate concern/claim, she pretty much shot herself in the foot by behaving the way she did. Still, if you value her and want this R to work, I'd ask her what's up (whenever you are comfortable). See if she has a good explanation for her behaviour. Perhaps you should also take that time to make it clear that her behaviour/response was intolerable and wholly inappropriate.

February 20, 2008

You're not understanding me. I know you didn't say it was 8 months of perfection. That's precisely my point. IF it HAD been perfect, she'd be an unreasonable crybaby, and I'd suggest you run like the wind.

But you're admitting that it hasn't been perfect. Which leads me to think she's been harboring some hurt/resentment/feelings of neglect for quite a while now, and though the situation with your parents might not have been a good example for her to focus on, it's probably one of many where she's felt neglected.

You're focusing on these two hours with your parents. I think she's thinking about the entire course of your relationship. Listen to what she's saying - she wants to feel like she's a priority in your life. Is she? How do you show her that? Only you know... I'm just looking at her behavior and thinkin' about where it's coming from... Most adults don't throw complete hissy fits over nothing.

Yes, she is the #1 priority in my life. I spend all my free time with her, take her on trips, buy her clothes and jewelry and makeup and things for school, help her with her schoolwork, take her out to dinners and clubs, shower her with love and affection. Somebody else said something about eventually I won't have a life - well that's already the case. I don't have any other friends, I never go out unless I'm with her, I'm either with her or working (or she's in class). Early in the relationship I took her into my home because she had to move out of her old place and couldn't find anything right away. I even went on a business trip and trusted her to stay at my place alone. I took care of her after she had surgery and then complications. I loaned her money to get her apartment. I took her to meet my parents where they live. I went with her to meet her family where they live. I bought her a $700 item she needed for school. I take her to get her hair and nails done all the time. The list goes on and on and on.

Don't get me wrong, she has been great, too. I'm not saying that on the subject of "what have you done for me lately" it's all me. My simple point is that I think for her to freak out because I didn't text her for two hours while I was having dinner and visiting with my parents - even though I answered when she called at dinner, and called her the instant I left - is out of control.

February 20, 2008

Star, even if she did have legitimate issues (which it doesn't sound like considering he's got over 1000 texts per month in his phone!), she didn't want to discuss them with him. She just wanted to bitch, over TEXT, no less, and threaten him with finding another man and punishing him by being busy.

flguy, you said she did all this during text while driving home...how the hell did you manage to text and drive at the same time?

By the time she actually answered my call I was about 5 minutes from the hotel. She ignored me for the whole hour+ drive. I got back around midnight and the text argument was until about 3am.

February 20, 2008

Good point as well. Texting means very little when you're not spending quality time with her. And if all you have is texting and phone calls, to not receive even that...despite reasonable circumstances...can be quite frustrating.

We spend a ton of quality time together. Dinners, clubs, movies, shopping, trips to the Keys, other states (mine and hers), going to the beach, cuddling on the couch watching movies or TV, cooking dinner together...

February 20, 2008

Yes, she is the #1 priority in my life. I spend all my free time with her, take her on trips, buy her clothes and jewelry and makeup and things for school, help her with her schoolwork, take her out to dinners and clubs, shower her with love and affection. Somebody else said something about eventually I won't have a life - well that's already the case. I don't have any other friends, I never go out unless I'm with her, I'm either with her or working (or she's in class). Early in the relationship I took her into my home because she had to move out of her old place and couldn't find anything right away. I even went on a business trip and trusted her to stay at my place alone. I took care of her after she had surgery and then complications. I loaned her money to get her apartment. I took her to meet my parents where they live. I went with her to meet her family where they live. I bought her a $700 item she needed for school. I take her to get her hair and nails done all the time. The list goes on and on and on.

Don't get me wrong, she has been great, too. I'm not saying that on the subject of "what have you done for me lately" it's all me. My simple point is that I think for her to freak out because I didn't text her for two hours while I was having dinner and visiting with my parents - even though I answered when she called at dinner, and called her the instant I left - is out of control.

Yeah, regardless of what Star and the others might think, I believe she's a spoiled little immature princess. She already has you wrapped tight around her little finger and her expectations of what is reasonable will only get higher and higher if you don't put your foot down at some point.

Geez, you take her to get her hair and nails done?

February 20, 2008

As SG and Cobra have mentioned, there might be more to this than meets the eye. She may be focusing her anger on the two hours you spent with your parents...but it might have to do with a whole lot more than just that particular incident. Has she expressed similar sentiments previously?

I agree that she handled herself poorly. And in the event that she does have a legitimate concern/claim, she pretty much shot herself in the foot by behaving the way she did. Still, if you value her and want this R to work, I'd ask her what's up (whenever you are comfortable). See if she has a good explanation for her behaviour. Perhaps you should also take that time to make it clear that her behaviour/response was intolerable and wholly inappropriate.

Early in the relationship when I was on a business trip, she complained that I didn't talk to her enough in the evenings when I was in the hotel. Recently we discussed it and she said she understands that it was very early in the relationship and that I've been better about it. It is most definitely not something that comes up much. In the past four months I haven't traveled for work, and as I said we spend pretty much all day every day and night together unless I have to work (avg one or two days a week) or she's in school (3 days a week, not full days).

February 20, 2008

I through a hissy fit like that. A breakup shortly followed. Like Star suggested, it was because a lot of things came to the surface when I felt neglected.

Quite simple: I was out of town for 1.5 weeks over Christmas seeing my family and I thought we were going to hang out the Friday I got back, but she was busy her aunts/uncles that night (supposedly), made plans with friends for Saturday, and I'd see her that Sunday for NYE but only in the evening as she was going to a football game with friends. Our situations aren't comparable because what led to me freaking out was I asked "when can we get together to exchange Christmas gifts and celebrate my birthday?" and she replied "I don't know, I'm busy this weekend. I've got things to do." I hung up upset, and called her back later trying to compromise, though I'm sure I sounded upset and forceful. Her perspective was I called her out of the blue and started yelling at her. Mine was that I had never met that group of friends, and it didn't have to be a choice of them or me, that I could come along too, and I didn't feel like a priority, and I felt neglected. I had reasons when I tell my side of the story. Her side of the story was different, that I just attacked her for no reason just because she made plans with friends. A lot of what I wanted -- feeling like a priority and meeting her friends -- had been boiling for a month or so. It was not out of the blue, and really, I was examining the future of our relationship and I wanted more than she appeared to be giving.

Our situations are not comparable considering there was more to my story, but if she came on here posting her side of that story, I'm sure the responses would be "he's an immature twit." I'm sure she could spin her side to "Oppath called me out of nowhere and was yelling at me." Your gf has a side of the story that is unheard, and I don't think you have heard it.

When someone acts uncharacteristic, chances are, something happened in their life or you did or didn't do something that upset them because it opened a can of other things that have been on their mind. Don't view it as an attack. Don't judge them. Ask "you seem really upset and I'm sorry if I let you down somehow. Did something else happen in your life to stress you out? It's unlike you to act that way. What is this really about?"

I know how hard it is to do that when you feel attacked. But before you judge her behavior, ask why she was upset. If she has never acted like this, chances are that something has happened in her life to stress her out, or she has been mildly upset with a lot of things in your relationship and this pushed her over the edge. I do feel she overreacted because you talked to her before dinner telling her where you were and she presumably had an idea when you'd be finished.

I actually had this problem with a girl I was dating last fall. She blew up at me because I called her when I arrived to a party instead of within the 1/2 hour before. To me it was no big deal. To her, she was really upset, because it wasn't the same as making time to talk to her, and she basically punished me saying "no I'm not going to hang out with you tomorrow." But in the big picture, what she was saying was "I don't feel like a priority. I want to feel important. I want to feel like you want me and that I am on your mind more than football and this party." Was it fair how she reacted? No, I didn't like it, but she had a right to feel disappointed. I completely understand now, why she was upset. I wasn't paying attention to the big picture. It was not that phonecall, it was the relationship in general she was concerned about. She wanted to feel more important.

February 20, 2008

Even if there were other times where I legitimately ignored her calls for whatever reason, is it reasonable for her to complain when I spend two hours with my parents who I rarely see?

No, it is not reasonable for her to complain when you spend two hours with your parents who you rarely see!

However, I don't think this is the real issue. I honestly don't think her complaint was that you didn't call her back or text her while you were at your parents' house.

This part really sticks out to me in what you said "even if there were other times where I legitimately IGNORED her calls for whatever reason"

Do you mean you deliberately didn't take her calls because you were in a meeting, were driving, your phone was dead etc? or you were ignoring her calls to "punish her" for something she did to upset you?

As Star Gazer pointed out most rational adults aren't going to get so upset over something little like this. So I'm thinking that its something bigger that is bothering her. yes, she is lashing out in a very immature way but I think you should talk to her and find out what is really bothering her. It sounds like you do put a lot of time and effort into the relationship but for some reason she doesn't see it that way. We only have your point of view (I'm not saying it isn't accurate) but your gf may see things from a different perspective. Talk to her.

February 20, 2008

Yeah, regardless of what Star and the others might think, I believe she's a spoiled little immature princess. She already has you wrapped tight around her little finger and her expectations of what is reasonable will only get higher and higher if you don't put your foot down at some point.

Now might be a good time to point out she doesn't work (which I understand because she's in school) and her step-dad pays all her rent and bills and got her her car.

Geez, you take her to get her hair and nails done?

A couple times a month. Bought her a $130 flat iron among other things. Perfume, makeup, clothes, shoes, handbags, jewelry...

February 20, 2008

Thoughts?

Someone very wise said this:

I told her she is way out of line, and that it's unbelievable she would be so upset because I spent a couple hours with my parents.

It does seem odd that she has suddenly become so needy/insecure. Do you think she was always like this but it was masked by the fact that you seem to have engaged in an inordinate amount of contact? Or has something changes in the r/s?

February 20, 2008

When someone acts uncharacteristic, chances are, something happened in their life or you did or didn't do something that upset them because it opened a can of other things that have been on their mind. Don't view it as an attack. Don't judge them. Ask "you seem really upset and I'm sorry if I let you down somehow. Did something else happen in your life to stress you out? It's unlike you to act that way. What is this really about?"

I really don't understand why you guys are getting on this guy's case for not being there for her and not being understanding of her. She's thrown hissy fits that he didn't call her enough while his dad was in surgery for Pet's sake and blah blah - how do you not see that he's as close to p*ssy whipped as a guy can get and she's still not satisfied because it's all about her?

He's glued to her side to the point has has NO OTHER FRIENDS and NO OTHER LIFE except for her. What more can he possibly do?

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