Seperation...Are we at that point?

[flipside40]

Hello all. I've spent the last few days reading all the stories and have finally decided to tell my own.

I've known my wife for 12 years. I'm 33, she's 30. We dated throughout college and grad school and finally married 2 1/2 years ago once we were settled in our careers. We broke up once while dating. She had an EA with a male friend who was dating and in the process of breaking up with one of my wife's girlfriends. Apparently they were breaking up because she cheated on him. Oh the irony! After some time apart we worked it out and got past our problem. Chalked it up to some form of rebound-Florence Nightingale Syndrome thing for him and the need to save for her. Obvious question at the time was then why didn't she try to help her female friend instead (shrugs shoulders)? All seemed great and we got married 3 years later. Guy was out of the picture, my wife and her girlfriend patched things up, and the girlfriend is now with a new guy that looks ready to propose any minute. It looked like after a bump in the road we had our whole life ahead of us.

Flash forward to a few weeks ago when I realized she was having secret conversations (email, texts, phone calls) with a man she met online from a different state. She claims he was just a friend, but why was she hiding it from me? I talked to her about it and everything went from "he's just a friend/pen pal type person" to "I'm not sure I'm in love or attracted to you anymore" in a matter of 24hrs. At this point I'm pretty sure this feeling pretty much started somewhere between our break-up while dating to present day (looong time frame I know, she can't or won't say when).

I gotta admit, I never saw any signs of this coming. We've had problems during our last few years together, mainly less intimacy and sex. But I always chalked it up to the fact that we have been together for 12 years and ruts like this were natural. We just needed to spice thing up. We tried to make more time for each other, we did alot of traveling by ourselves (weekend trips, toured Europe). At times I thought we were reconnecting.

We even started talking about starting a family.

I love my wife, and she seems to want to make it work since she was the one who suggested marriage counseling. But after just one visit all she talked about are how certain things are beyond fixing. I'm willing to work hard to save my marriage, but am I flying solo here? How is her lack of affection for me so definite even after one visit? It scares me to think that she had her mind was made up years ago but was she just to scared to admit? Luckily there are no kids involved.

Sorry for the long story, but I just needed to be heard. Any comments or advice is welcome, but if no one has anything to say its ok, thanks for at least allowing me my catharsis (hope I used that word correctly).

On a related note, its comforting yet saddening to read all of your stories. Its comforting to know that I am not alone and many people out there know how I feel, but it's also so heartbraking to know so many good people with good hearts have been touched by such sorrow. Seems like "...and they lived happily ever after" hardly ever applies anymore to marriage.

[sandflea]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I lived something similar a few years ago - and I know how awful it is.

 

First off - if you're getting mixed signals and your wife is demonstrating that you can't trust her, then it's time for you to toughen up. You need to demonstrate (even if you don't feel like it) that you are your own person - and that certain behavior is unacceptable. You made your vows, and you expect everyone to honor them - or it's over.

 

Second, if counselling isn't an option, you need to protect yourself financially from the impending end of your marriage. I'd go get some free legal advice if I were you - just so you know what to expect.

 

Finally, I'd present a detached, but firm ultimatum to her. Tell her how this makes you feel, and in general what you feel the next steps are. Explain that this isn't why you chose to get married, and how you feel that the situation needs to change - either for the better, or towards divorce. Be polite, detached, firm and in control of your emotions.

 

I feel for ya, man. My first wife did something similar. We were able to divorce amicably because I found the strength to make the first move, and I head my head high. No, it wasn't easy, but you can do it.

 

Love must be tough at times. Cheating spouses - or those who suddenly doubt their commitments - are to be dealt with firmly.

 

Best of luck. Let us know how you are doing.

 

SF

[carhill]

The pen-pal person may be just that, but the feelings your wife is having and her actions regarding them indicate that she attaches significant importance to those emotions continuing. I doubt it has anything to do with the "other man".

 

Having had lots of female friends prior to getting married late in life (over 40), I've been "that man". No sex involved, nor reciprocal intimacies, rather a receptacle for the disappointments they felt in their primary relationship. A few I loved as friends; most I listened to if they didn't get psychotic on me. One I had and have a lifelong love for.

 

Your post echoed many similarities in my marriage, except, sadly, I appear to be your wife. Love dies one day at a time, and sometimes, though not always, is unrecoverable. That may be the message she is sending to you. I tried many techniques to recover that love, and am currently in MC with my wife (6 months now) to hopefully learn better ones. If your wife wants the relationship to work, she'll continue MC, even if the process makes her angry (I've been angry in session many times).

 

I think the importance of therapy, for me, has been to really make my examine myself, my perspective, my base motivations and what I want from a relationship and how to communicate that. Even if the marriage doesn't work, I feel I'll be a better person as a result of the effort. Ask your wife how she feels about the process, not you. My biggest problem is I wasn't able to sit back and really take in what my wife was saying to me without judging or analyzing her motives or accuracy. I just didn't get her perspective. Therapy has helped a lot with that.

 

Try to get her back to therapy. Also, it's very important to find a therapist who matches your styles and personalities. I'm very intellectual (analyzing everything) so my wife found a well-regarded and published psychologist who is my intellectual equal and challenges me (with a psych background, I know what he's doing, but he's very skilled at making me see my true self). I respect him so believe in the value of the work. Don't know if that makes sense, but I think your wife will have to feel the same way (from her perspective and regarding her needs) for therapy to be effective.

 

My "other man" was the long-lost female friend I had many years prior to meeting my wife. Non-sexual (she was married and I was a virgin at the time due to my moral code) but nonetheless very emotional. Still is. Your situation is different but the relationship signals are still there. Marriage success and failure is a partnership. No one person is responsible for either, IMO.

 

I wish you well.

[flipside40]

thanks for the kind (and fast!) response SF.

 

A little addition to my story...

In all fairness to my wife who is not here to tell her side, I wasn't a perfect husband. Our conflicting work schedules just made me unavailable to my wife at times, emotionally and physically. I'm not apologizing for her actions, but I just wanted everyone to know before they chimed in was that I wasn't the perfect innocent husband. I acknowledged and accepted my faults in our problem and am to willing change the only thing I have control over - myself. What role she determines for herself in all this is up to her. I do not want to make her stay if her heart is telling her to leave.

[carhill]

I acknowledged and accepted my faults in our problem and am to willing change the only thing I have control over - myself. What role she determines for herself in all this is up to her. I do not want to make her stay if her heart is telling her to leave.

Therapy will clarify it, if your experiences there in any way mirror ours. IMO, we're actually closer to separation after 6 months of therapy than prior, but, again IMO, for the right reasons. Additionally, speaking for myself, I can see my imperfections much more clearly now and can work on them...

 

I'd personally be more concerned about her lack of confidence in therapy, after only one session, than her lack of affection for you. If our experience is any guide, showing affection during this process is something both partners have to work at. It often doesn't come naturally, since many wounds are opened for inspection and a sense of seperateness or withdrawal can develop, depending on one's base personality.

 

I knew you weren't perfect No man is. I once thought I was. Wrong...

[Chrome Barracuda]

No kids, then I would seriously consider leaving.

 

Why.

 

She has poor boundry issues. If she's willing to hurt her friends to get what she wants, That shows you what type of woman she is.

 

Seriously do you want to look over your sholder is she cheating on me, is she gonna leave me. Save her the trouble and just end it all. Let her decide if she wants to continue things.

 

The thing is I think the marriage can be saved but she gotta get into therapy and stop having these emotional affairs. They are very damaging to the marriage and your self esteem. I wonder what would happen if she found out you was talking to a female friend behind her back. What would she believe?

 

You think she would be cool with it?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Get her into counseling ... doesn’t matter under what pretense. If she thinks it’s for marriage counseling, than so be it. Eventually if the therapist is keen enough, he’ll recognize and be able to sort out and address your individual issues aside from those that are directly affecting your marriage. She’s got to sort her own head out before you can even begin the process of recovering your marriage.

 

Meanwhile, you need some support and different methods for coping with all of this, yourself. Hopefully at some point (with help) you’ll be at a better place to decide whether there’s anything left worth “saving” or not.