nickilovespookie Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 (edited) Thank you for reading - any advice would help. I was with my bf for 3 years and we recently went on a break because 1. I developed a crush on someone else which made me wonder how committed I was to my bf and 2. I ended up cheating on my bf with this crush. The cheating occurred on the same day that I broke up with my bf. I lied about it and he found out. Before this crush, I honestly loved my bf with all of my heart. My bf wants to work things out, he's madly in love with me and while I used to feel madly in love with him I'm just not so sure anymore. It's tearing me up inside. He's such a good guy which makes me apprehensive about us breaking up forever. We could have a great life together, we really had something. I know I keep saying "had" blah blah but I really want to get back what we had. This guy that I cheated on him with is not a person that I could spend my life with. He doesn't have a good job, he's not 100% trustable and yet, I slept with him a couple more times (meaningless sex) but it was after my bf and I broke up. Now my bf and I are trying to work things out so I haven't slept with him again but I want to. So I have to choose. 1. try to get back what I had with my bf, move on, stay away from the other guy or 2. take a chance, maybe I don't really love my bf anymore like I used to. Is it possible to love someone so much and then just loose it? I thought maybe this was just a phase but it's been going on for about a month and a half. Part of me feels like MAYBE I love my bf and want to work it out because he does, guilty I guess you could say. Plus I'm afraid that someday I'm going to regret giving him up. What should I do? Edited February 20, 2008 by nickilovespookie
FlyByNite Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 You may not like this, but maybe you should be by yourself for a bit. I am looking at this from the point of view of your BF; he may want you back, but if you aren't sure you are just going to leave him again, or cheat, which will hurt him more in the long run. I would also say that long term relationships do go through periods of each person not being 'madly in love' with the other, sometimes at the same time, sometimes not, and that they require work to maintain them. It sounds to me like you have had your head turned by this other guy, and that it is more exciting to be involved with him than with your BF (who you've already won, if you like). So I suppose what you should do depends on what you want to do - do you want to be single and have short lived exciting flings, or do you want a long term relationship right now? If its the latter, is your BF the one you want to have that relationship with, and are you prepared to work on it in the down times? None of this is a judgement, it just depends on what you want for your life right now. Just try to minimise any hurt to your BF - he is the innocent party here good luck
Author nickilovespookie Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 I guess my biggest question here is whether or not I really do love my boyfriend anymore or if I'm just holding on because of reasons like, he's the safe choice, he loves me so much and I don't want to hurt him (I'd rather just try to be content with him). How do you know if you're still in love and just going through a phase and how do you know when it's time to move on or hang on to a great thing?
FlyByNite Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I don't have the answer to that - I wish I did! You might be holding onto the safety net, you might not. Someone else on here said that its over when you can't be bothered to try anymore. Sometimes though I think you can get complacent about an exisiting relationship, and assume that that person will always be there - then when they're not, its a big shock to the system - either because its so different, or because there is a realisation of what has been lost. I'm on the other side of this - my ex left me because things weren't 'right', and I'm finding that very hard to deal with. However, we had been together almost ten years, and he has since said that he had felt this way for a long time. I wish he'd said something sooner, and let me go then - then I wouldn't have wasted my time, and be so hurt now. Maybe you need to leave your BF to find out what you want - but in doing that you have to take the risk that if you decide you want him back, he wont be there anymore. I hope that helps
Author nickilovespookie Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 I think I'm just in a phase of wanting to have fun. See other guys. I don't know why and I've never been like this before. I also am tempted (very tempted) to "see" the other guy again. Which makes me wonder, do I love my bf enough to not see the other guy? I would say yes but I would really really like to. Before this whole thing happened I never considered another man, my bf was it. Then I started to not feel so sure. I'm already lying to my bf, he asked when the last time I talked to the other guy was and I told him about a week ago but really it was yesterday. I don't even know why I like this other guy. But he's not the only one I want to see. I have a couple of other guy friends that I would like to see. Not sleep with but hang out with without having to worry about having a bf to catch me. Lately I've just been craving male attention. Like I want them to like me.
Whey2Big4u Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 you sonund like my ex of 6 years. always telling me i was the one for her and blah blah blah.....then she left me out of the blue. she wanted to be with other people. I tried to be cicil with her, but when i asked to many questions she got mad...so i wrote some nasty letters and now im the bad guy. she wants nothing to do with me now.... what im trying to say is.....let him go now, before it gets worse, let him move on like you have, he too needs to experience others. its not fair to him, or to you. But you do run the risk of losing him forever. Sad to say, but she has already lost me, after the hell she put me through i no longer find her appealing, in fact i find her to be a bicth. if you break it off now and give it some time, you may both find eachother later on. this also gives you more of a chance to still be "friends" if wanted. if you dont you lose him forever as a frineds and as anything more
vivrantflo Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Lately I've just been craving male attention. Like I want them to like me. This is really bad that you feel this way, and have a boyfriend. It appears that you're not ready to settle down with anyone right now.. the fact that you're contemplating good sex, over a stable relationship shows your immaturity. A relationship is an all or nothing ordeal.. and right now, you're not willing to give 100% to your boyfriend. You should let him go. If you "think" you love your boyfriend.. you don't really.. actions speak louder than words.. you cheated on him, and you're STILL lying to him.. so it's actually clear that you don't love him. Please let him go so he can find a woman that will want to be with him, and only him.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 This is really bad that you feel this way, and have a boyfriend. It appears that you're not ready to settle down with anyone right now.. the fact that you're contemplating good sex, over a stable relationship shows your immaturity. A relationship is an all or nothing ordeal.. and right now, you're not willing to give 100% to your boyfriend. You should let him go. If you "think" you love your boyfriend.. you don't really.. actions speak louder than words.. you cheated on him, and you're STILL lying to him.. so it's actually clear that you don't love him. Please let him go so he can find a woman that will want to be with him, and only him. Yeah VIv is the truth. I would so totally drop this girl if I was her boyfriend. Love or no love. If she isnt strong enough to choose between the right guy and a bum who aint no good she aint girlfriend material.
carhill Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 So I have to choose. 1. try to get back what I had with my bf, move on, stay away from the other guy or 2. take a chance, maybe I don't really love my bf anymore like I used to. 3. Date BOB for awhile and get your bearings. My readings indicate your BF and OM are significantly older than your 23 years, which isn't always a factor, but can be, especially at your age, and IMO from reading your posts. IME, an attractive 23 year old female generally has no shortage of friends or fun things to do, so enjoy! BF or OM might come back to you later, or might not. Real relationships stand the test of time and distance. I disagree that you're not girlfriend material. You are, but just not right now
sedgwick Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 It really sounds like you need to be by yourself for a bit. That's how you'll know if you're really in love with your bf. If you don't give yourself time alone to figure it out, you'll either break up with or cheat on him again.
Author nickilovespookie Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 3. Date BOB for awhile and get your bearings. My readings indicate your BF and OM are significantly older than your 23 years, which isn't always a factor, but can be, especially at your age, and IMO from reading your posts. Wow, you really freaked me out because just recently I did purchase a "BOB" and that's actually the one I got. Whew, for a second I thought maybe you KNEW me as in someone I know coming on and reading my posts. Yes, my bf is 29 and OM is 30. Yes, I'm 23. Thank you for saying that you don't believe that I'm not gf material because I am, or was and will be again. Right now I just can't give 100%, maybe it's a phase or whatever but I have to figure it out. I just know my bf loves me and wants to work this out really bad but I can't say that I'm 100% there like he is. I was there for him 100% for 2 1/2 years and he wasn't and now he is and I'm not. WTF. I would love to just suck this whole thing up and try to be happy with him but I just wonder. I've never really been single, always have had a bf and I have all single gf's and while I know it's not that great I still have that immature curiosity. Ugh. Plus sometimes I feel guilty and do what I think my bf would like (call him for no reason for example) and it's not really because I truly want to.
carhill Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 No worries... I don't know you; it's just a euphemism my wife and her girlfriends use and no self-respecting lady should be without one Oh, BTW, I saw in a past post (or read wrong) that BF was 39, not 29. 6 years vs 16 years, guess you can understand my concern LOL Your situation (and perspective) is very similar to many young people I encounter. Don't beat yourself up. The beauty of youth is that time is on your side, even though you might think each day is an eternity. BTW, that never changes, if you're truly in love with someone, no matter if you're 23 or 83. As someone whom I've loved for a long time has told me, everything in life happens for a reason. My mentioning #3 is just one of those. Hope things work out for you
s_n_d Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 This is really bad that you feel this way, and have a boyfriend. It appears that you're not ready to settle down with anyone right now.. the fact that you're contemplating good sex, over a stable relationship shows your immaturity. A relationship is an all or nothing ordeal.. and right now, you're not willing to give 100% to your boyfriend. You should let him go. If you "think" you love your boyfriend.. you don't really.. actions speak louder than words.. you cheated on him, and you're STILL lying to him.. so it's actually clear that you don't love him. Please let him go so he can find a woman that will want to be with him, and only him. Vivrantflo is right.
Grrlish Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Part of me feels like MAYBE I love my bf and want to work it out because he does, guilty I guess you could say. Plus I'm afraid that someday I'm going to regret giving him up. What should I do? Right now, quit wasting your bf's (ex?) time. You're asking a bunch of people on an internet forum if you love your boyfriend?? I'd say the answer is No. Especially since you're still/already lying to him. You don't lie to people that you love. You're young. Sounds to me like you need to go out and be single and date. Oh, and next time you're in a monogamous relationship, break up with the person before sleeping with someone else. Or don't get into a relationship.
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