Satwa Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I need advice and help regarding this current emotional turmoil I seem to be entangled in at the moment. I have known MM for three years now and we have been good friends for two years. We work together and see each other daily. A year and half ago, I developed a crush on him and got over that. Then a year ago we went to a conference and I was actually seeing someone else at the time. He was quite drunk one night and told me that he liked me. I was flattered but was not interested at all, but I felt I had to give something back (I'm extremely sentimental and foolish in that way) and told him that I had a crush on him. He told me it was reciprocated and was going to kiss me, but I stopped it and said he was married. He acted quite awkwardly around me the following day but I was completely cool with everything, and we got over this potental awkwardness. Then my relationship ended because the other guy was still in love with his ex, and MM came back into my work place and he was really supportive through it. Then things have unfortunately gone slightly haywire after that and we are both now caught in this strange place. We talked about it once, after the Christmas party, where we danced together and simply held each other - that's as far as in terms of physical contact it goes. He tried to kiss me again, but I stopped it, because I knew that was the right thing to do (okay I know the right thing is to never place myself in a situation where things like this can happen, but I've realised that human beings are so weak and when you are caught up in that moment, your heart takes control and all forms of logic just fly out the window). He told me he had too much at stake to lose and so do I (apart from my sanity, our profession is a small community and the scandal it would cause if the word ever got out would be appalling). Recently he told me about his marriage and how things are unsettled at home, but that small crisis has since passed. But this unspoken undercurrent betwee us is always there. We get along so well and are constantly laughing together. The bad thing is there is mutual attraction between us, and I really don't know how long I can be strong and withstand the onslaught of emotions that batter me constantly. I've been reading the board messages and also doing some research. I would say I am definitely in an emotional affair. I don't want to be in this. I do deserve better and I refuse to be the other woman. How do I get over this? No contact is not an option. I work with him everyday and often times in a 1 to 1 scenario. Neither of us will leave our work, we both love our jobs. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am also curious to pose a question to the OWs out there as to the factors that finally tipped them into an affair. I can completely relate to how strong the heart's desires are, you feel almost powerless to stop it all. You can be a good person but still do bad stuff. I really don't want to do that. Thanks in advance.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Why do you have to work with him one on one so much? Can you not be transfered to another dept? Or work closely with someone else? If you can't leave your job then while at work keep the conversations professional. Don't allow yourself to "feel" things let alone think stuff about him while at work. Don't email with him, flirt with him, go for lunch with him - YOU have control over that much. Be strong, keep a promise to yourself that you do NOT want to be the OW. He is a married man, so think of his wife. Imagine that you were married and your husband worked closely with another woman, how would you feel that they were close to having a full-on affair? Don't contact him at all outside of work. Stop fantasizing about him, make yourself NOT want him. Don't be the office gossip, once you are that, people will lose some respect for you knowing that you're the OW and he's married..That could put an end to your career, or atleast taint it. You have insight into what you want, so do your absolute best to not allow yourself to let "it" happen.
LOVE DAISIES Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Whichwayisup gave some great advice. I know it's hard but like she said, you have the ability to be very professional. You want to act in ways that would never lend itself to suspicion or "office gossip" That would be things like going to lunch together, acting giggly or touchy feely, giving each other knowing glances or eye contact. People pick up on these these rather easily. Communicatin is actually about 80% body language, so you really need to pay close attention to the signals you send out. Now, as for your thoughts..THAT'S the hard part. Just keep telling yourself you need to remain professional and the things that are at stake if you go with your "feelings". Good luck!!!!
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I don't want to be in this. I do deserve better and I refuse to be the other woman. How do I get over this? By actually believing it. Look, you are bigger than any obstacle or challenge that you face. You can not be coerced by anyone into doing something that you don’t already have a mind to do. You certainly have more self control over your urges than you care to admit, it’s just that temptation can sometimes make a good conscience and head on your shoulders seem like such an inconvenience. Instead of just talking about the kind of woman you are and the “better” that you deserve ... go out there and LIVE her.
gooodgirrrll Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 ...you are bigger than any obstacle or challenge that you face. You can not be coerced by anyone into doing something that you don’t already have a mind to do.... Instead of just talking about the kind of woman you are and the “better” that you deserve ... go out there and LIVE her. Wise words. And ones that I myself really needed to hear today.
Cagney Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 (edited) Dear Satwa, I don't think I'm reading between the lines here, but I think I know what you're currently very tempted to get into. Seven years ago, I was in a similar situation and I let it advance. I went through pure hell for seven years, and then had it abruptly end with her cheating on me too. She and I cheated on her husband, then she cheated on me - the lover. I'm a man (I was the OM) and presumably stronger than any of the OW's that post here? No! But if you were to take an apple and ding it with a hammer a few hundred times, you would see the soft brown mush that I became because of not ending it immediately, or at least ending it at any one of hundreds of times (along the way) that I weakly tried to do. I think it'll take some time to re-strengthen and heal from an emotional injury that could be likened to a major car wreck and injuries that will render me as never normal again. I'm not exaggerating. I wrote (journaled to myself) a hundred emails over the past 7 years: "I will end this, it's wrong, it's unhealthy and she'll NEVER keep her promise to make this right." Now, in therapy, I'm faced with the question: Since, from the start, I knew it was bad for me, then why didn't I have enough self respect to back out - and leave her - with my dignity and self respect in tact? What she did in this whole thing is on her. But what I did was on on me! And I have no one to blame but myself. If I had the self esteem that I should have had, I would have done, what I hope for your sake, you will do now. End it! The pain you will feel now is NOTHING compared to the pain you feel, the longer you let this go on. End it for your own best interest, and self esteem. Edited February 20, 2008 by Cagney
norajane Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Imagine yourself one, two, three, four, five years older and still waiting for him to leave his wife, while you let your life and potential mates pass you by. Imagine yourself alone on weekends and holidays while he is with his family. Imagine him on vacation with his family to all the places you wish you could go with your bf. Imagine yourself waiting for those few hours that you can be alone, and then imagine him calling to cancel at the last minute because he needs to do something with his wife. Imagine him having sex with you, and then leaving you shortly after so he can clean up and go home to his wife's bed. Imagine being in that position and compare that to your "heart's desire", and you will see that an affair is NOTHING like what you actually want for yourself.
Cagney Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 (edited) Oh! But those great times while you ARE together! I think it becomes an addiction in the form of a chain: The first links in the chain are smaller and relatively easy to break. But as each month goes by, the links get bigger and harder to break. And it IS an addiction, causing chemical peptides to swarm your blood stream, both of you always on your "A" games - sweet like cocain. But the final end of it, in a few months or years, will be as bad as coming down off cocain. You have no idea ... yet. Save yourself and run while it's "relatively" easy. Edited February 20, 2008 by Cagney
Recommended Posts