LDRs: The good and the bad - what are yours??

[HisLove]

I thought it might be nice to share what is great and awful about LDR's.

 

I love it when I get a call or text from hundreds of miles away just because I'm on his mind and nothing else. There is no expectation of what I am going to do for him - because I won't be doing anything - it's knowing that he's thinking of me at that moment in time when we're both busy with our lives. I love it when I get my Good Morning text - he's already been busy at work for a few hours and he always waits until he thinks I'm awake before he sends it. We are in different time zones. So I know at that point in time, he stops what he's doing, to say good morning to me. I LOVE that.

 

I hate it when the written word doesn't come across the right way and a misunderstanding ensues. You don't have the benefit of looking them right in the eye at that point to understand what they were trying to say (or they can't feel the tone of what you meant and then got it all wrong). The written word is so subjective and ambiguous. I pretty much write for a living which means I have to communicate very effectively with lots of people all over the world....but even then some things can be taken the wrong way. I HATE that I can't just get in my car or meet up in 30 minutes for a coffee to sort it out. (Does anybody elses MSN messages just disappear into the ether and the other person thinks you aren't responding??)

 

Although I know I have personally learnt not to be so quick off the mark with what I 'think' was meant - I now give him the benefit of the doubt as I learn that he is not a mean or vindictive person at all - and he has learnt not to spit the dummy straight away but to take a few deep breaths and realise it will be OK even if there is a stupid misunderstanding.

[TMichaels]

Oh, HisLove... This one is a toughie!

 

So many things spring to mind when we're together -- takes a bit more work to come up with the good, bad and the ugly about when we're apart.

 

But, here it goes...

 

Love it when...

 

-- He calls for no reason just to say he was thinking about me and wondered how I was

-- He leaves me a silly IM message even though he knows I won't be there

-- He takes photos of friends, family, places and things so he can share them with me on-line so I can see/understand what's going on in his life

-- He remembers my birthday and "sings" me Happy Birthday via IM and sends me "virtual flowers"

-- He calls or IMs me after a late night at work just to make sure "I got home okay"

-- He answers the phone when I call with a certain greeting which is a personal joke reserved for just the two of us

-- When we finish talking on IM, my phone rings, and it's him -- just because he wants to "give me a real kiss" and say " 'night, babe. Sweet dreams."

-- He tells me when I get down about the distance and the fact it will be some time before we can rectify that, "Don't worry, babe. We're tough and we'll make it through."

 

 

Hate it when:

 

-- Circumstances prevent us from connecting on the phone/IM for more than a week.

-- One or the other of you got their signals mixed about the appointed time for a call or IM

-- Time zone differences!

-- Webcams aren't an option

-- Computers, cell phones, voice mail and even land-lines malfunction, and why is it, it always happens at a critical time?

-- It takes six weeks for a package to arrive/be received and sometimes, they never get there!

-- You need a hug, all you have is a silly emoticon

-- Meanings and intentions sometimes get misconstrued via IMs and phone calls. Not having the advantage of "non-verbal" communication cues.

-- You don't have the financial or time-off-work means to spend as much time together as you'd like

-- You don't know when you'll be able to see each other in person, again, or

-- Knowing it will be months before you can

-- You think of 101 questions to ask that normally would come about and be answered in everyday conversation and contact, but don't via IM or phone calls because you just don't want to waste time when you finally connect, or are so excited when you do, you just forget!

 

I'm sure there are more, but I'm sure others have some, too! Got any you'd like to share?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HisLove]

Yes TM, the IM always goes missing or trips up right at a crucial time.

 

I remember when I got a new phone, still navigating my way around the different screens and depending on which screen you were in, a particular button was either send or delete. Stupid design right?

 

Anyway, we'd had a disagreement the night before, but I wasn't feeling snippy about it. He sent me a text asking what I was doing for the afternoon. Well when I replied, I was in the screen where the button hit send instead of deleting (editing my spelling) some words before I'd finished the text. So I was only halfway through writing the text and had managed to send these words - We're finished..... I. was. mortified. when the little sent icon came up. Never typed so quickly in all my life lol.....the text was supposed to say... We're finished work and I'm off to the movies now.

 

Gotta love technology sometimes.

[iSmiley]

LoLs..Dont every couple jus hate it when IM got screwed up at the golden time =X am sure you (^) gave ur bf a heart attack xD

 

<3:

-a short call when he is on a long drive home jus to tell me he is safe (as i have phobia on that issue)

-spend every single free minute with each other on web cam and on voice call..(man i love skype when they r operating well)

-seeing the effort he is putting in the relationship

 

</3:

-worry how much he spend on his mobile as we jus hate it when we got miscommunicate thru IM, so when i got mad or misunderstood what he said, he will call me right away

-cant hold him and hug him instead have to settle with a dumb pillow..=S

-the more i see his sleeping face in the webcam..the more i longed to hold him T-T

-hoping my bf is here with me to enjoy the nice weather and ...

 

But then again..me and my bf partially spend all our free time on skype as we r both computer freak. But when he is here..all we do is out shopping and ...

[purplebubbles]

That's hilarious about the Text Messages. The only thing in that regard that I'm scared of is that my Dad's number is right next to my SO's in my phonebook. I have a fear that I'll send a loving message meant for my so and accidently send it to my dad.

Things that I love:

- That I get a wake up phone message left for me every morning. He is 6 hours ahead of me, so when he wakes up he leaves me a good morning message.

- Laying in bed and feeling as though there is noone else in the world but us as we talk, laugh and spend time together talking.

- That as soon as we have a disagreement he tries to call and sort it out immediately.

- He is so affectionate and shows it in other ways besides the physical.

- That I *know* beyond reason of a doubt that our attraction goes beyond physical attraction and I feel as though I know him, as a person on the inside.

 

Hate:

- Hate that I can't comfort him when he is upset, I can't rub his back for him when he has had a long day and I just can't do the little things, like making him a cup of tea.

- The time difference, often he is going to bed as my evening is just starting. It's hard to juggle my day so that I'm home in time to talk to him. Every now and then it can't be done.

- Misunderstandings due to not having any body cues/actions to read into. Sometimes he finds it hard to express himself, so these are vital and at times they are missing.

- When we are busy, that period of disconnection. Having spent all day apart and having absolutely nothing to talk about is not a good feeling.

[Spidr]

Hey all these are some of the things that happen in my relationship.

 

Things I like:

- When she send a message saying i am thinking of you.

- When she makes a video about me and post it on her blog so everybody can see.

-when she writes what she is thinking about me.

- When she doesn't want to stop talking online.

- When a friend of her tells me that today she didn't stop speaking about me.

-When her parents contact me to see how i am doing.

-When she tells me that she wants to build her future with me.

-She cares alot of me when I am visiting her at her country.

-She involves me with her activities.

 

Things I don't like:

-When we have to spent some days not talking due to busy times.

-Webcam sometimes don't feel enough

-That I can't be near her in her bad times.

-When I don't know when she would be online to speak.

-Waiting for my next visit....

[HisLove]

oh yeah purple bubbles - not being able to look after him really bugs me too. He works in a very demanding job that destroys his body and some days he is totally shattered. I get upset when I can't give him a massage or make him sit in his favourite chair and give him a beer so he can unwind.

[TMichaels]

One of the good things being involved in a LDR relationship has taught me (the hard way!) is how important it is to trust and not jump to conclusions based on past experience.

 

Early on in our relationship, there was a period where I didn't hear from my LDR b/f for over a week. It was very alarming as we usually chatted every day on-line, and I was afraid he had decided to end it.

 

I finally decided to call him to see what was up. After several tries, I got him on the phone and he said he was in the hospital. My initial thought was that that had to be the most original "excuse" I've EVER heard for severing contact, and not impressed, I told him I'd talk to him the next day, on-line.

 

I was more than a little ticked off at him to start, and even more so, when he was late coming on-line. Imagine how small I felt when I learned he indeed WAS in the hospital due to a kidney stone attack, and had been unable to get in touch because in the rush to get to the hospital he didn't take his cell phone. His family finally brought it to him the day I called, but he was so medicated that he kept falling asleep, so he hadn't talked to anyone, until I had awakened him with my call.

 

If that wasn't bad enough, in order to chat that morning, he had had to make his way down from his hospital ward to the lobby to use the communal computer -- which of course, was being used by someone else when he arrived at the appointed hour. But, he stuck it out, sitting there in his open-back hospital gown feeling like crap, because he knew I was upset, and sensed it was one of those "make or break" times...

 

Oh, geez! Talk about feeling like a heel!

 

I apologized for doubting him over and over again, and like the great guy he is, he said it was okay -- he was just as much at fault for not letting me know earlier what had been going on, and if he'd been in my shoes, he would have been feeling the same way, too.

 

In case you're still a skeptic -- yes, I did confirm all of the above actually happened through a mutual friend. Which, of course, made me feel bad for ever doubting him and us, all over again...

 

Moral of the story?

 

It's human nature to judge on past experience -- especially when you've had bad experiences with other partners in your life. But, to judge every new person by the sins others have commited against you in the past, isn't right, fair, and can even cause you to miss out on the kind of relationship that you've been searching for.

 

So, don't be too quick to leap to conclusions, and if you find someone who teaches you lessons that make you a better person, embrace the joy of that discovery with all your heart.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[konfuzd]

My LD BF just left this morning after a week long visit:

 

I hate that empty feeling when I watch him drive away

I hate that the empty feeling lingers for at least a day, usually 2 or 3

I hate that he's too "masculin" to show his feelings, and I'm left being mushy as he says "see ya later"

 

I love the fact that he is willing to drive 14 hours on crappy, snowy roads just to spend valentine's day with me

I love that his actions show how much he cares, which kinda makes up for his inability to outright express his feelings

I love the anticipation of seeing him again (luckily this time is only 3 weeks), and the way my heart skips a beat when I see him

[Eilonwy]

So many things have been said already... but I'll write them down again, anyway. Starting with bad, so I can be happy at the end of the post.

 

Bad:

• We can't be physically present when the other feels really bad. It's harder to comfort online.
  
• I can't hold, hug or kiss him nearly as often as I want to. I really do miss the physical part... just holding his hand or being held adds so much that can't be replaced by words.
  
• I hate waking up thinking he's there, just to find the bed empty. Then I recall he's far away, and this is a horrible way to start the day.
  
• So many small things I can't share with him. Everyday life things.
  
• Not enought visiting opportunities.
  
• MSN/Skype/webcam/microphone problems. Argh!
  
• Misunderstandings due to the lack of voice. Things can get across completely differently from the way they were intended. Can lead to unnecessary arguments.
  
• Timezones.
  
• Sometimes it bugs me that he doesn't seem to miss me as much as I miss him. He doesn't express it like I do, and he is also better at dealing with it.
  
• Other people don't take it seriously.
  
• Expensive to vist!
  
• "Quiet" days, were we both just don't really feel like talking and sit there, staring at the screen.

Good:

• I know I must be important to him, or else he wouldn't put up with all the stress and expenses.
  
• I know it's not just physical -- we really understand each other and can talk for hours.
  
• In a way I spend more time with him than many friends with their "normal" partners. I talk to him for a couple of hours on practically every day.
  
• I love getting offline messages or emails in the morning.
  
• Getting to visit his country (Canada) is awesome! Having someone there makes it much easier (and less expensive) to visit, and I love his country and seeing all the new things there.
  
• I have plenty of time for myself. (Okay, I usually would prefer to spend it with him, but still... I can be sure I get to do everything I won't that doesn't involve him.)
  
• The time together is always special and something to look forwrad to.

Hmm. I have more negative points... But that makes sense, since I would prefer to have him in my country. However, he is super, and makes me very happy. I'm glad the internet allowed me to meet him.

[HisLove]

Oh boy. It's been 10 days since I spoke to him or had any contact at all.

 

This is one of the bad parts.

 

[TMichaels]

Oh boy. It's been 10 days since I spoke to him or had any contact at all.

 

This is one of the bad parts.

 

 

HisLove,

 

I don't know why, the 10-day-point is about where I always meltdown, too.

 

I am in a bad mood today, as well. The technology fairies did us in again. Got my b/f's IMs he sent last night, THIS MORNING! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!

 

BTW, did you ever get together/send your Care Package?

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited February 22, 2008 by TMichaels

[HisLove]

Well TM, the Gods must have been listening to my meltdown lol. I didn't send the care package, I just had a feeling not to.

 

This morning I get a text saying he is back in the first city on his journey back home. I will talk to him later today when he finally gets home.

 

He wasn't supposed to be back until next weekend at the earliest, possibly another week beyond that.

 

If I'd sent the care package, he wouldn't have been there to get it. Go figure.

 

As soon as he gets off the plane in the first city he contacts me. That's one of the good parts.

[TMichaels]

Well TM, the Gods must have been listening to my meltdown lol. I didn't send the care package, I just had a feeling not to.

 

This morning I get a text saying he is back in the first city on his journey back home. I will talk to him later today when he finally gets home.

 

He wasn't supposed to be back until next weekend at the earliest, possibly another week beyond that.

 

If I'd sent the care package, he wouldn't have been there to get it. Go figure.

 

As soon as he gets off the plane in the first city he contacts me. That's one of the good parts.

 

Funny how things sometimes work out, isn't it? Instead of him getting the surprise treat, it's you!

 

Hope the two of you have a good long chat and great weekend.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited February 23, 2008 by TMichaels