so I did a bad thing

[FlyByNite]

and sent an email to him explaining how I feel. I'm not sure what I am expecting from it, but have been feeling so awful for the past few days it was kind of cathartic. Text below (slightly edited to protect the innocent) is what I sent:

 

Hi

 

I'm sorry to send this to you at work, but I just felt that I needed to write to you to tell you how I feel

 

I understand that you didn't feel committed, and that you weren't sure that the relationship was right, and I admit to there being problems. I had hope we could work through them as everything else was so good and I loved you so much, but what hurt me the most was that you weren't prepared to do that. There are always ups and downs in long term relationships, but both parties need to be prepared to work through them, and you never were. Accepting that has been one of the hardest things because it meant that you didn't love me and probably never did.

 

I think I have worked out what the problem was, and unfortunately there was nothing that I could do about it, even though I would have tried anything.

 

I think that things started to go wrong about 4 years ago, when you left the police and I started my job (they happened within months of each other in the same year). Before that, I was a student and you were employed, I lived with my parents and you had your own place, so there was a power shift right away.

 

I think that you need to feel fulfilled in your job, and to have status so that you can feel proud of yourself, like anyone, but especially in your situation. I don't think your current job gives you that. When things didn't work out with the police, that was a massive blow to your self esteem. That coupled with my job and that all your friends are in the police I think has contributed to you not feeling good about yourself, and resentful of me. I didn't help this by making unilateral decisions about the house, holidays and car, and it must have felt like I was rubbing your nose in it. I never meant it that way, I just wanted to share them with you, but I see now that this wasn't how it came across to you. I think this is the reason that you stopped feeling attracted to me, aswell as my weight gain. I think that you thought it was just the weight gain, but when I lost the weight and you still didn't feel right, you realised that there was something else wrong, even though you might not have been able to put your finger on it. I also think that you were feeling increasing pressure to propose, especially as most of your friends were and are settling down. I expect that you are seeing a lot of [male friend] now that you are both single

 

The upshot of this is that I think you need to find something in your life that makes you feel like you have status again, be that a different job or something else. We talked about this the day before you left, and I still think it's the right thing for you. I expect what will actually happen is that you will find someone else pretty quickly who will make you feel good, and I think you will probably end up marrying her in the next couple of years. I hope that it works out for you.

 

I also need to say that I was incredibly hurt by the way you chose to leave, letting me buy you a valentines present and looking at birthday presents for me and then dumping me hours later; it seemed calculated to hurt me the most. I hope it wasn't intentional as I don't think that I deserved that.

 

I am getting on with my life as best I can but I still love you. I probably always will, and this break up is killing me. I can't be your friend or speak to you after the house is sorted because every time I see you or speak to you, I hope that that will be the time that you tell me that you've changed your mind, and when it isn't, it breaks me all over again. I don't expect you to respond to this, but I suppose writing it all down is cathartic for me. Don't worry, I won't turn into a stalker, and this will be the only time I mention this.

 

I hope the match this evening goes well

 

FlyByNite

 

Was it really bad to send it? I suppose its really attention seeking, but honestly feel a bit better about having had my say (even if no one's listening). I have been so low for the last couple of days that I haven't been able to see a way out of this - I still can't, and am not sure of what I am going to do. Thanks for letting me let it out on here anyway!

Edited February 20, 2008 by FlyByNite
formatting errors!

[Far Behind]

I don't know your story, but if this is the only email, I don't think you've done a bad thing, especially since you are only stating how you feel and not begging for anything else. I hope you get the closure you are seeking; I sent a similar type of email that did not ask for a response and he wrote back to me 2 days later (this was several weeks ago). I certainly feel your pain, because having so much to say and feeling like you can't say it to the person who you want to say it to the most it terribly frustrating.

[FlyByNite]

Hi, yes this is the only email (apart from those dealing with finances and buy out of the house). Briefly, I was with my ex for almost 10 years, living together for 4, and he left just over 3 weeks ago saying he was not committed to me (he had done this a few months ago aswell, but came back after a week that time). We own our house together, and I am buying him out, so we are going through changing over financial details etc which means we have to speak. He has also been back to the house several times to collect his things (though he did seem to be dragging this out). He also wanted to stay in contact and be friends, and was upset when I said that I didn't want to.

 

Thanks for making me feel slightly better about sending this!

[prisonbreak]

Not wrong at all to send it. I did the same thing. I got a response 7 days later. The thing i realized is, I wasn't sending it to the same man. the words I had to say were falling on deaf ears. I would pray that he was in there somewhere. But, I think it was a beautiful letter. It was probably written more for you than for him. I think you needed to do it. Don't expect a response. I'm sure he'll be thinking a lot about your words. The biggest thing I have learned is, guys don't process life without you until they are living, live without you. Let him go and do that. Hopefully it will hit him then and he will realize.

[openingup]

Beautifully written - I don't think you've done anything wrong.

 

I hope this will allow you to hold up your head and start the process of moving on. Although there is much advice encouraging someone to maintain no contact after a breakup, the possibility that anger and resentment will build from lack of closure is also there. I'm glad you've done what was best for you. Take care of yourself . . .

[btc8]

How is that a bad thing? I agree with those who replied: That was a very articulate and endearing letter. I think you did the right thing. Even if he does not reply, you have admitted to yourself that the writing of the letter was cathartic.

 

The same thing actually just happened to me. My ex and I broke up on Sunday, and we haven't spoken to each other since. He texted me this morning saying that he misses me. So, I wrote him an email asking him if he really wants to be with me. So I guess I did a bad thing too!

[sedgwick]

I think if that's the only email you've sent it's fine. Actually, I think you did a great job explaining yourself and not blaming him. It sounds very rational and clear-headed to me. Don't beat yourself up about it.

[s_n_d]

I agree with the rest; No harm done since this was the only email you sent.

Dont worry about it.

So long as you felt better after sending it, thats all that matters.

[FlyByNite]

Thanks everyone. I did feel better sending it, but now seem to be in the depths of despair again. He has replied this morning, which has made me cry - not because he has been nasty, but more because his response was so final. I need to accept that it's really over I think, but I'm really struggling with it

[strife]

FlyByNite, I can probably send your letter to my ex. We're at the point you were 4 years ago, at the first signs and reaction to the shift of "power." I haven't had the courage to send a note because I'm still holding out hope. But I also have the fear that his ego is so easily bruised that a relationship just isn't sustainable in the future. What if I get bigger salary increases? What if I get more frequent promotions? Will this happen again? I love him so much that I would never think twice about taking care of him, I am only grateful for how much he takes care of me. But in his eyes, he doesn't see his own value. He can only see how much I do for him and feels belittled by it. He said a variety of things: feeling pressure and not being able to commit, losing feelings, and a growing disparity in status. I still don't know what the deal-breaker was, but am starting to think it's the Status creating problems in the other two areas. It bothers me so much. It's like he's punishing me for loving him.

 

Don't know what to say - hope my story helped you gain another perspective. & hope you feel better.

[FlyByNite]

Hi Strife

 

Well my ex denies that this was the problem - he just fell out of love with me, and he doesn't know when and he doesn't know why. I feel for you, as it really didn't matter to me at all who earnt more - I was proud of him and loved him whatever. I can't really give you any advice, as my relationship has gone spectacularly wrong - so what do I know! I would just be proud of you, and if he can't accept that, then more fool him. I am trying to think that way, but just feel so alone and low. I don't want to feel this way anymore - it hurts too much.