RELATIONSHIP UPDATE!: Things are going well, but few uncertainties?

[cre8]

Hey all!

 

At the end of last year, I posted a thread here regarding a girl I have been dating.

 

Your advice definitely helped me think things through. I asked her to officially be my girlfriend in November, we celebrated our one year together on New Year's Eve (celebrating our first night out) when we took a trip away together. Valentine's was also AMAZING!

 

She's not only SO much more affectionate than I ever could have thought, she has given me some of the most thoughtful and original gifts ever. For this, I am SO thankful. It took such a long time, and so much patience to get to expose the real her, and it is really an amazing feeling. Deep down, she really IS a sweet girl. I just had to show her more dedication on my part. She's now much more open with me about things that happen in her life than ever before. I feel like the REAL relationship is just starting this year.

 

 

 

One of the biggest problems was that she had met most of my friends and all of my immediate family for almost a year, yet she never once mentioned a word about me meeting her family and some of her other close friends. On Valentine's night, after some champagne, I finally talked to her about keeping open communication so nothing "blows up." She said that she was completely happy with our relationship, that nothing at all bothers her, and that this is all she has pretty much ever wanted. I, however, told her that I think it's odd that her parents don't wonder who she's going out with. And that I've yet to meet her friends. She said that her parents really like me (even though they've never met me; she says they like me from the pictures she's shown and from what she's talked about to them about us), that her brother really likes me, so do her friends, but she just wasn't sure to do it or not because she wasn't sure about I wanted (it seems). Now she seems very sure. She also told me that ever since she first saw me, she's known that she wants me, that I'm different. That's a long time to be spending in pursuit!

 

What bothers me though is the fact that if I never bring anything up, she won't either. I am always the one to take the risk it seems like, to lead the relationship, which is fine, but it also leaves me wondering.

 

The biggest element of toxicity, though, is how our relationship began. It began with lots and lots of sex, and it happened really fast. And that's with me slowing things down one or two nights. She says she's only had one serious boyfriend in her life. I feel really special because of the way she shows herself to me now, and I can really see a future with a girl for once, but I can't help but wonder... is she that impulsive? If we were ever to have a fight and "give things a break" for a short while, would I be able to rest assured that we're just taking a break to give each other space without worrying about other guys sleeping with her? Would she ever sleep with my friends if they made moves on her (odd question I know, there are a few friends whose real loyalty and intentions I doubted and have kept distance from them, but we are all in similar social circles)? I may be over-analyzing here, but one comforting thing is that SHE pursued me for most of the time, so if she's into pursuing the guys she likes on her own and she has to work to get her guys, she's not going to go out of her way if I'm there for her. She's also not going to take anything that comes her way. She says she noticed me at a party back in 2005... that's some pursuit! Still though, since we did sleep so fast I wonder if that's how she'd be with every other guy.

 

At this point, it has taken me a long time to feel faithfulness, loyalty, and devotion from her part, but now I can honestly say I trust her. She is so INTO ME and this relationship that it leaves little room for me to doubt her. Still, the fact that she ran off with her ex's friend bothers me, too, but I'm ignoring it (she says she never loved him and was never into the relationship, even though it lasted 3 years. He was her first boyfriend... he sounded controlling, highly insecure, and from what I understand, she was in it because it had just gotten comfortable).

 

I'm not sure if the thoughts of her and one or two of my specific friends are irrational. Are they based on a shakiness of trust in her? I'd put the lack of trust more in those specific friends, but I'm really not sure. Or is this just my own insecurity because they are more "alpha," stronger characters, more independent, more assertive, make much more money, and are stronger leaders within their own groups. One of these friends has cheated on his girlfriend, and continues to do so, and is still serious with her. My girlfriend may or may not know this -- she might have seen him making out with someone else at a party I had at my place a while ago and she just smiled when she saw it, but quickly looked away. She has asked about him in the past, recently she asked where he worked again, and wanted to have the 4 of us (me, her, my friend, his girlfriend) get together to play board games for fun. A long while ago, he added her on MySpace as a friend...

 

I did a lot of venting here, I know, and thank you very much for reading this far into the post. With her, it's obvious that PATIENCE is key, and I have lots of it. And while I realize that security is ultimately a craving of the ego, I really would like to feel some of it in this relationship, particularly if I see this going long-term.

 

Any suggestions...? I want to make sure I'm going into this without any of these doubts, but need a 3rd person's perspective on things. What's irrational, what isn't? What to do!

 

Thanks SO much!

 

PS: I know she's bi-curious, and I'm totally ok with that. One night after we had had a bit to drink, she said that she's curious to go to a swinger's party with me, "just to watch." She said she's only curious to see how they are... and I don't know what to make of this!

Edited February 20, 2008 by cre8

[cre8]

Appreciate a response, would love to hear your thoughts.

[birdie]

so am I correct assuming that what is bothering you is that you don't feel she is 100% open with you? you haven't met her family or her friends, you can only guess how she spends her time when she is not with you. I don't mean whether she is cheating but that there is a side to her that you don't know. so maybe you feel that you don't know her as much as you should by now and that's unnerving you.

 

am I on the right track?

[eric82]

how can you say..

 

She's now much more open with me about things that happen in her life than ever before.

 

..when after a year..

 

she never once mentioned a word about me meeting her family and some of her other close friends.

 

that's a big red flag. if you were as important to her as she claims, you would have not only met them by now, you'd know them pretty well because she'd want you to.

 

then when you finally confronted her about it, rather than saying she would like you to meet them, she said..

 

she was completely happy with our relationship, that nothing at all bothers her, and that this is all she has pretty much ever wanted.

 

..which on the surface sounds good, but is actually another big red flag. what she's really saying is that she's completely happy with you not being a bigger part of her life. keeping you away from her family and friends doesn't speak well for the future of the relationship. but she knew you might notice and call her on this, so..

 

She said that her parents really like me (even though they've never met me; she says they like me from the pictures she's shown and from what she's talked about to them about us), that her brother really likes me, so do her friends, but she just wasn't sure to do it or not because she wasn't sure about I wanted (it seems).

 

she's lying to you, and deep down you already know this, you just don't want to admit it.

 

think about it, she's intentionally keeping you from getting to know her family and friends because she doesn't see the relationship lasting and she's trying to hide this fact from you by laying on compliments.

 

Now she seems very sure. She also told me that ever since she first saw me, she's known that she wants me, that I'm different. That's a long time to be spending in pursuit! What bothers me though is the fact that if I never bring anything up, she won't either. I am always the one to take the risk it seems like, to lead the relationship.

 

How is she "pursuing" you when you're always the one leading?

 

She says she's only had one serious boyfriend in her life.

 

Which when combined with keeping you away from her friends and family means that's she has a sketchy past... maybe that's what she's keeping from you.

 

I feel really special because of the way she shows herself to me now

 

She's only showing you a portion of who she really is. Don't forget that. If things were really as serious or special to her, you would already know her family and friends because she would want you to. You can't really know her until you know where she comes from and who she likes to associate with.

 

I can really see a future with a girl for once

 

That's a great feeling, but keep in mind that your feelings for her are based on the potential you want to see happen and not the tangible ways she's making it become a reality. it's evident that while you have strong feelings for her, you don't really know her and she's not really putting as much into the relationship as you at this point.

 

but I can't help but wonder... is she that impulsive?

 

She's impulsive and living for now because she doesn't see/want the level of intimacy and longevity that you do.

 

If we were ever to have a fight and "give things a break" for a short while, would I be able to rest assured that we're just taking a break to give each other space without worrying about other guys sleeping with her?

 

Well how has she reacted in past fights?

 

Would she ever sleep with my friends if they made moves on her (odd question I know, there are a few friends whose real loyalty and intentions I doubted and have kept distance from them, but we are all in similar social circles)?

 

What makes you think that a break would be enough for her to stray, unless deep down you know that you don't really know her and can't trust her?

 

Whether your friends want her or not doesn't matter. What matters is how she feels about you and how she reacts to them hitting on her. If she truly cares about you, break or not, she'd turn them down.

 

I may be over-analyzing here, but one comforting thing is that SHE pursued me for most of the time, so if she's into pursuing the guys she likes on her own and she has to work to get her guys, she's not going to go out of her way if I'm there for her.

 

Her letting you always lead isn't her pursuing. Her keeping you from her family and friends isn't her pursuing a future with you. So what exactly do mean by she has pursued you most of the time?

 

She's also not going to take anything that comes her way. She says she noticed me at a party back in 2005... that's some pursuit!

 

I know it feels good to look back at stuff like that, but try not to let it make you lose sight of all the red flags that she's showing you now.

 

Still though, since we did sleep together so fast I wonder if that's how she'd be with every other guy. At this point, it has taken me a long time to feel faithfulness, loyalty, and devotion from her part, but now I can honestly say I trust her.

 

It takes time to get to know someone. It takes seeing their many sides.

 

Still, the fact that she ran off with her ex's friend bothers me, too, but I'm ignoring it (she says she never loved him and was never into the relationship, even though it lasted 3 years. He was her first boyfriend... he sounded controlling, highly insecure, and from what I understand, she was in it because it had just gotten comfortable).

 

3 years with him and she claims she never loved him and was never into the relationship. this is another red flag.

 

First, i don't see why someone would stay in a relationship that long without love. she's either lying to you about it or...

 

Second, it shows she has weak character. she drags things out but then blames the other person. notice how she listed his faults but dismissed her own. the reality is, after spending that much time together, they were both at fault. by saying she was in it because it had just gotten comfortable, she's saying that she found it comfortable to passively accept being treated badly.

 

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, so tread carefully.

 

 

I'm not sure if the thoughts of her and one or two of my specific friends are irrational. Are they based on a shakiness of trust in her? I'd put the lack of trust more in those specific friends, but I'm really not sure. Or is this just my own insecurity because they are more "alpha," stronger characters, more independent, more assertive, make much more money, and are stronger leaders within their own groups. One of these friends has cheated on his girlfriend, and continues to do so, and is still serious with her. My girlfriend may or may not know this -- she might have seen him making out with someone else at a party I had at my place a while ago and she just smiled when she saw it, but quickly looked away. She has asked about him in the past, recently she asked where he worked again, and wanted to have the 4 of us (me, her, my friend, his girlfriend) get together to play board games for fun. A long while ago, he added her on MySpace as a friend...

 

Like I said before, don't worry about other guys. All girls get hit on daily. How she reacts to it, or whether she pursues others, is what matters, not whether she's presented with the options. The options always exist and the more attractive she is, the more options she has. The only thing that matters is how she feels about you.

 

When another guy hits on your girlfriend, instead of getting jealous or angry, try to take it as a compliment. It's proof that you have good taste in women because they want but can't get what you have.

 

 

I did a lot of venting here, I know, and thank you very much for reading this far into the post. With her, it's obvious that PATIENCE is key, and I have lots of it. And while I realize that security is ultimately a craving of the ego, I really would like to feel some of it in this relationship, particularly if I see this going long-term.

 

Patience is a good quality, but only if she's investing in the relationship equally with you. Without things being mutual, you're creating an imbalance and taking on/putting up with more than you should. It's a gray area, but hopefully you'll figure out what best suits your circumstances and personal needs.

 

Any suggestions...? I want to make sure I'm going into this without any of these doubts, but need a 3rd person's perspective on things. What's irrational, what isn't? What to do!

 

Keep in mind that doubts aren't necessarily a bad thing to have when kept within reason. Just trust your gut. If you have a hunch she's not being the person she claims to be, there's probably a valid reason for it. Confront that and attempt to work through it, but only if she's willing to meet you half way. Don't overlook her bad signs, don't invest more than you see her putting into the relationship, and try not to lose yourself in what your feelings want her to be. And if you can accomplish that, please let me know how haha.

[Star Gazer]

Why did it take you from January of 2007 until NOVEMBER 2007 (11 MONTHS!!) to make her your girlfriend? You've been a couple for 3 months and you're upset you haven't met her parents?

[cre8]

how can you say..

 

 

 

..when after a year..

 

 

 

that's a big red flag. if you were as important to her as she claims, you would have not only met them by now, you'd know them pretty well because she'd want you to.

 

then when you finally confronted her about it, rather than saying she would like you to meet them, she said..

 

 

 

..which on the surface sounds good, but is actually another big red flag. what she's really saying is that she's completely happy with you not being a bigger part of her life. keeping you away from her family and friends doesn't speak well for the future of the relationship. but she knew you might notice and call her on this, so..

She said she's completely happy before I brought it up. I told her that I want us to have open communication and to talk about things as they happen and not wait until it explodes, so if she has anything to say, I want to her it. That's when she said she was completely happy. And then I said, "Well, I have some things to talk about." And that's when I told her about the friends and family thing...

she's lying to you, and deep down you already know this, you just don't want to admit it.

 

think about it, she's intentionally keeping you from getting to know her family and friends because she doesn't see the relationship lasting and she's trying to hide this fact from you by laying on compliments.

I really don't think that's the way it is. It seems more to me that she was afraid of introducing me to her parents or even bringing it up for fear that it might seem that she's taking things more seriously than I am. So instead of mentioning anything and taking a risk, she waited until I said something.

 

In general, she does a lot to avoid conflict. She doesn't want to stir the waters. Which explains why she let her past relationship just deteriorate and deteriorate instead of being the one to confront. She's pretty passive about conflict, maybe due to lack of confidence...?

How is she "pursuing" you when you're always the one leading?

Well, she's the one who found me on myspace, sent most of the texts, called, tried to see what I was up to. She noticed me in 2005 and I didn't even know she existed back then.

 

Which when combined with keeping you away from her friends and family means that's she has a sketchy past... maybe that's what she's keeping from you.

That's the hazy part... I know she had a period of about a year and a half where she heavily used ecstasy. All I know is that after breaking up with her boyfriend in 2005/2006, she went through lots of partying, ecstasy use, and who knows, probably lots of sex. She partied with her cousin though, and that cousin is now engaged, so the partying's really not part of the equation anymore. When we party, it's me and her together...

 

She's only showing you a portion of who she really is. Don't forget that. If things were really as serious or special to her, you would already know her family and friends because she would want you to. You can't really know her until you know where she comes from and who she likes to associate with.

 

This I agree with... which is why I want to meet her friends. She's pretty selective about who she wants me to meet too. Maybe she fears that her friends will hit on me and try to take me away...

That's a great feeling, but keep in mind that your feelings for her are based on the potential you want to see happen and not the tangible ways she's making it become a reality. it's evident that while you have strong feelings for her, you don't really know her and she's not really putting as much into the relationship as you at this point.

Yeah...

 

She's impulsive and living for now because she doesn't see/want the level of intimacy and longevity that you do.

That's true. I feel like she has trouble expressing and even accessing her emotions. For some reason, I feel like she has issues with intimacy in the first place. She's not very close to her mother or father, for that matter.

 

Well how has she reacted in past fights?

We haven't had any big fights, but the very few that I can barely even remember, she just said she's sorry to get things back to normal. We don't fight...

 

What makes you think that a break would be enough for her to stray, unless deep down you know that you don't really know her and can't trust her?

 

Whether your friends want her or not doesn't matter. What matters is how she feels about you and how she reacts to them hitting on her. If she truly cares about you, break or not, she'd turn them down.

I strongly agree with you on this one. Very true.

 

Her letting you always lead isn't her pursuing. Her keeping you from her family and friends isn't her pursuing a future with you. So what exactly do mean by she has pursued you most of the time?

Meaning, she really wanted me. She would text me a lot, try to see what I was doing, send me myspace messages... A psychic told me that before I came along, there was someone she was a "friends with benefits" with for either one year OR two (meaning either fully one year, or fully two, not a year and a half, or in between). That she wanted something more, but he didn't. And being the non-confrontational person that she is, she just settled with what she had, not wanting to risk losing it. Until I came along, she stopped talking to the other guy, saw something more promising with me, and here we are. This is what the psychic said, she hasn't said any of this with her own mouth.

 

I know it feels good to look back at stuff like that, but try not to let it make you lose sight of all the red flags that she's showing you now.

 

 

 

It takes time to get to know someone. It takes seeing their many sides.

Yup.

 

3 years with him and she claims she never loved him and was never into the relationship. this is another red flag.

 

First, i don't see why someone would stay in a relationship that long without love. she's either lying to you about it or...

 

Second, it shows she has weak character. she drags things out but then blames the other person. notice how she listed his faults but dismissed her own. the reality is, after spending that much time together, they were both at fault. by saying she was in it because it had just gotten comfortable, she's saying that she found it comfortable to passively accept being treated badly.

I think this better explains it. She does have a bit of a weak character, but she hides it VERY well. It sounds like she really did drag it a lot, then once she got sick of it, she started partying with her cousin and just let the relationship fall apart because she never cared for it. When she left the relationship though, she said she was extremely angry. Her ex's past girlfriends had all cheated on him, so he was always suspicious of her too, even when she wasn't doing anything at all. If she didn't pick up her phone, she'd call each and every one of her friends to see if they knew where she was. That would drive me off the wall, too.

 

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, so tread carefully.

 

 

 

Like I said before, don't worry about other guys. All girls get hit on daily. How she reacts to it, or whether she pursues others, is what matters, not whether she's presented with the options. The options always exist and the more attractive she is, the more options she has. The only thing that matters is how she feels about you.

 

When another guy hits on your girlfriend, instead of getting jealous or angry, try to take it as a compliment. It's proof that you have good taste in women because they want but can't get what you have.

 

This is awesome advice. It's so true, thanks! I can easily see myself doing this because that's how I was with my first girlfriend. It's not so much about other guys though, it's more about the people in our social circle with whom there is constant contact with. Sexual tension builds after years and years, but unless you have anything else to add to that, it's how she reacts to that. She does have trouble saying no sometimes and she avoids conflict, so that's what disturbs me sometimes...

 

Patience is a good quality, but only if she's investing in the relationship equally with you. Without things being mutual, you're creating an imbalance and taking on/putting up with more than you should. It's a gray area, but hopefully you'll figure out what best suits your circumstances and personal needs.

 

 

 

Keep in mind that doubts aren't necessarily a bad thing to have when kept within reason. Just trust your gut. If you have a hunch she's not being the person she claims to be, there's probably a valid reason for it. Confront that and attempt to work through it, but only if she's willing to meet you half way. Don't overlook her bad signs, don't invest more than you see her putting into the relationship, and try not to lose yourself in what your feelings want her to be. And if you can accomplish that, please let me know how haha.

 

Hehe, nice. My gut says that deep down, things will be good. I'm really into this relationship now and I can see that once I can fully gain her trust, she will open up even more. The psychic also told me that something happened to her when she was younger, in her early teens probably, that not even her family knows about. She might have been raped, but I can't say for sure. Either way, she says that she feels that I understand her, that I'm loving and caring, and all that. She's very slow to open up, and she identifies heavily with the Scorpio sign, and if that's the case, she's very cautious and secretive by nature. I do sometimes like the fact that she doesn't unnecessarily cause drama or try to stir things up, because I do like things to be a bit placid.

 

After bringing up the parents thing, she said that next time they have dinner at her grandma's she'll invite me. I'm also going to her cousin's wedding in May.

Thanks a lot for the detailed responses, I really do appreciate your input!

[cre8]

Why did it take you from January of 2007 until NOVEMBER 2007 (11 MONTHS!!) to make her your girlfriend? You've been a couple for 3 months and you're upset you haven't met her parents?

 

Well, I didn't want anything serious at first, and neither did she. I didn't want a girlfriend at all, because past girlfriends always had problems with my ambitions in music, partying, clubbing, all of that. Past girlfriends were possessive and I felt that having a girlfriend would put chains on my freedom. It was an issue of freedom which is really the bottom line.

 

With her, I don't feel that at all. I feel like we're on a similar wavelength, and we share similar passions. But it took me a while to realize that. Plus, I didn't feel any reason to step up the commitment because the sex was good, we were partying, and I didn't want anything more. Until I realized that I really do like having her around and that I'm starting to have deeper feelings for her.

 

I'll be blunt, one night after a lot of drinking and in the middle of some amazing sex, she said "I'm officially yours!" That was in August 2007. But I didn't say anything back and I didn't bring up any "officiality" until November when we were out clubbing one night. It had been building up and building up and I was tired of not knowing where we stand, so I talked to her to see if we're on the same page and it became "official."

 

Without the title though, we first went out New Years Eve of 2006-2007, started seeing each other more often around February and more in March, until that summer when we both started wondering if we wanted something more.

Edited February 23, 2008 by cre8

[cre8]

so am I correct assuming that what is bothering you is that you don't feel she is 100% open with you? you haven't met her family or her friends, you can only guess how she spends her time when she is not with you. I don't mean whether she is cheating but that there is a side to her that you don't know. so maybe you feel that you don't know her as much as you should by now and that's unnerving you.

 

am I on the right track?

 

I wouldn't say that's all of it, but yeah, a large part of it does have to do with her openness...

[cre8]

Any more thoughts anyone?