ahotmess Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 So I've finally met the most amazing guy. The only catch is that he has 3 daughters and in two weeks he will have full custody. Our relationship is new, but we both see it going somewhere. Any ideas or advice about when is good to meet the children, or how to go about doing that. I totally dig him, but am really nervous ( I loved Cinderella as a child!)
sunshinegirl Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 So I've finally met the most amazing guy. The only catch is that he has 3 daughters and in two weeks he will have full custody. Our relationship is new, but we both see it going somewhere. Any ideas or advice about when is good to meet the children, or how to go about doing that. I totally dig him, but am really nervous ( I loved Cinderella as a child!) How new is new? I would not rush to meet the kids. Or, if because of circumstances you do meet soon, maybe for now be introduced only as a "friend" of their father's. I would definitely discourage sleepovers early on. My boyfriend has a daughter from his first marriage. I met her 6 months before we started dating - at the time I was just one of the grown-ups Daddy hung out with. So by the time we started dating, his daughter was comfortable with me and comfortable with the idea of us being together. That being said, my BF does not have custody so the two of us actually have plenty of alone time (his ex lives 500 miles away; BF visits his girl every other weekend). You may be in for a tough ride if your BF has full custody of 3 kids... don't expect to have too much free time together! But good luck. I wouldn't trade my BF for anybody and am happy to live with the "instant family" that he brings to our relationship.
Touche Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I would think it would be up to their father. He should know when it's best to introduce you. Boy, you're a brave, brave woman to take this on. Trust me, I've been/am a stepmom twice...once with the ex and also in my current marriage. It's a very, very tough road and the divorce rate is even higher than it is with marriages where no kids from previous marriages are concerned. I don't mean to discourage you, but this just isn't for everyone.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 If you are okay that you won't come first most of the time, that his children will be number one most of the time, then go for it. Take your time getting to know him. Keep your heart in check.
Star Gazer Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 ( I loved Cinderella as a child!) I don't understand what you mean by this?
SeraBella Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I was a little confused with the Cinderella statement as well. Does it relate to the rest of the post? Take your time with meeting the children. Definitely don't rush. And definitely don't do sleepovers for a long while if the children are there. My best friend just married a man with 3 children that he has full custody of, and those are two of the things she wishes she hadn't done so soon. Their relationship is still good, as you'd hope since they just got married a few days ago, but those two things put a lot of strain on the relationship.
sunshine111 Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Ive been invloved with two men with children and I willnever date a man with children again. No woman wants to be placed 2nd and you will end up feeling this way. you will resent the children. I think it is much easier for men to accept a woman's children than the other way round. If you love him that much you will be ok. They will do things to irritate you. You will never be thanked for the things you do for them. You will never live up to their mummy. Ifeel so strongly about this!! Dont do it!!
BentSpine Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 No woman wants to be placed 2nd and you will end up feeling this way. you will resent the children. I think it is much easier for men to accept a woman's children than the other way round. I am honestly curious why you think men would feel differently from women about being 2nd. Please sunshine, do share your train of reasoning.
Jilly Bean Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Ive been invloved with two men with children and I willnever date a man with children again. No woman wants to be placed 2nd and you will end up feeling this way. you will resent the children. I think it is much easier for men to accept a woman's children than the other way round. If you love him that much you will be ok. They will do things to irritate you. You will never be thanked for the things you do for them. You will never live up to their mummy. Ifeel so strongly about this!! Dont do it!! I agree 1000%. If you don't have kids of your own, dating men with kids blows. I can make a man my #1, and a man with kids will NEVER return that. His kids will always be first, you will always be the subject of cancelled plans, having special dates/events blown off, etc. because of the kids, and yes, heinous as it sounds, you do end up being resentful, and its a horrible, horrible way to feel about a child. And I don't get the Cinderella thing either (?)
Storyrider Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 She meant she identified with Cinderella and doesn't want to play the evil step-mother.
Art_Critic Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 This is all about if you want to be with someone who has kids... Here is something to think about:.. You mentioned that he is Mr Right... I believe that it is possible that without his kids he would not have been your Mr Right.. His kids and having them is who he is..it helped form who is is also.. All aspects of this man have been changed and altered because of his children. So it is partly because of his children that he is your Mr Right.. Food for thought.. Go with the flow.. you will do okay...
sunshine111 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Hi bent spine, even in fairy tales, you always have the wicked step mother not the wicked step father. Men are just a lot more adaptable than women. Forums are full of step mothers with problems with their step children. There are the odd few who accept another womans children into their lives but the majority see them as a nuisance. Children are hard enough work as it is.. Second marriages are more likely to fail when there are step children involved. I bet this is all down to us women, we struggle accepting other womens children. They are the product of a life your partner had before you and women get jealous, that's the way most women are!
Lizzie60 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I say 'STAY AWAY' ... RUN.... btdt.. it's rarely works.. or if it does, it takes so much time and energy.. you're not the mother.. so there is not much you can do about the discipline and stuff.. so I say it's time now, that's you're not too involved, to back off.. You will waste many good years.. trust me..
Recommended Posts