willitwork Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I have been with my husband for 3 years.I had four kids when we got together.He has one child that for 3 years now his child mother thinks she can send the child when ever she wants .Its okay somethimes but when he works I have know matter what.But her mother can call at any time day or night to say she needs for the child to come over.But he never ever talks to me when she comes over .I am the one that puts her on the bus and everything all the time.When I tell him that it is not right that he tells her yes and never ask me than I am the one that is wrong.But I am the one to keep her mon-fri.Her mother calls my house to fuss with me and to tell me I am not her mother and trust me I know that.But once again two days later she calls my husband to say I need for your wife to to watch there child.He tells me I should tell her thank you when i say i have something to do can she watch her own child.She dose drugs and sell her body and my husband say he just wants her to get here life together.Everything she does is okay and when I say something we fuss forever and he makes me feel bad.What does my husband steal feel for her if any.Please Please Please Help Help:mad:
OWoman Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 She dose drugs and sell her body and my husband say he just wants her to get here life together.Everything she does is okay and when I say something we fuss forever and he makes me feel bad. I think you should either apply for custody of the child, since her mother is an unfit parent, or recommend that the welfare look into possibly placing her with foster parents where she can have some stability in her life. A child who's passed around like a parcel is not getting what she needs, and it sounds as if neither of her parents are really interested in her.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 You and your husband have to put the needs of this child first. It's not the child's fault that he/she has a mom who is unstable and into drugs. I agree with OWoman, try to get custody of his child so you two can give him/her a better life. Yes, this child is not your blood child, but he/she IS your step child and you need to show him/her love and give him/her security.
LOVE DAISIES Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 The child needs security AND stability. Whether it's with the step parent/grandmother/aunt/uncle...whatever. I think if you are taking care of that child 90% of the time, then you should have at least 90% responsibility for it. That includes disciplining it, buying it whatever it needs, loving it, and raising it like it's your OWN. Children need consistency in their environment.This is not a parental argument, it is common sense. This is unfortunately a very common occurence with parents who are not married to each other, and use the children for their own selfish reasons. I wish you luck...
Gwyneth Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Hmm, what a mess. Well while I don't think your husband needs your approval for his own daughter to come over, I do think that it's wrong to assume you will take care of his child just whenever. Like you said, you are not her mother, but you are married to her father, but I still think that is wrong. You have your own children to be responsible for. My question is, do your children live with you and your H and if they do, do you expect that your husband helps you to raise and take care of them? This is an argument I had with some of the members on this board a few months ago about the MM I was seeing and his step-son. I didn't feel that the step-son was his responsibility even though the kid lives in the same house with him and the wife. The child has his own father and my mother never expected her husband to take care of her children when they moved in together and got married.
NoIDidn't Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Your H needs to respect you more. He is the one that is teaching her to expect you to take care of his child. I say, you should say NO. And mean it. He does need your approval for when his child shows up. He isn't there to care for it, so he needs your buy in and your willingness to do it. It doesn't seem like he respects you much - expecting you to take care of some drug addict's child. Sure, its his. But his guilt over having a child with a drug addict is not your problem, unless you want to make it so. Its funny, one poster said her mother never expected her step father to care for her, but here your H expects you, his child's step mother, to care for his child. I couldn't do it. I have enough with my own children.
sally4sara Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 You married him and his child is part of his life. I agree that the child's mother is inconsiderate. I think you and your husband should petition for full custody especially if the kid's mom is a druggie and is in fact a prostitute. That isn't a good environment to raise a child in; even more so if the child is a girl. One of her mother's clients might abuse her. Once you have custody of the child you can settle into a better functioning routine and it won't feel so much like a hassle or imposition. No more odd hour last minute plans to juggle. As for it not being your child....well you marry the father; you marry the kids. Hell I'm not even married but my partner is a far better and more involved father to my son than his bio-dad is. I don't hear any "it's not my kid" gripe either. He calls himself a parent. He refers to us as my son's parents and I sense no resentment on his behalf. If I did, I wouldn't be with him.
NoIDidn't Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 But this man isn't even taking care of his own kid. He's leaving it with his W. That's inconsiderate and she needs to stop it. Its not fair to her or to his kid. Its funny to say "you marry the person, you marry the kids", when so many men see it differently. They expect the woman to take care of their kids, but don't plan to do anything for hers. Double standards, and all.
sally4sara Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 But this man isn't even taking care of his own kid. He's leaving it with his W. That's inconsiderate and she needs to stop it. Its not fair to her or to his kid. Its funny to say "you marry the person, you marry the kids", when so many men see it differently. They expect the woman to take care of their kids, but don't plan to do anything for hers. Double standards, and all. I agree both parents in the home should share the responsibilities of raising children. Some home dynamics are one spouse working outside the home and the other seeing after the kids. OP mention his job, but not her own giving me the impression that that is their dynamic. If that is how they handle things then her gripe is more about the inconsiderate inconsistencies. That complaint is valid and can be worked out. She may also look at it as its not her kid. If she is seeing it that way, then she got herself into the wrong situation. If they bother work outside the home, then no, she shouldn't be the one doing all the child care whether its her kids with him or his kid from his previous relationship. I didn't hear her complaining about her own kids and caring for them, just the other child.
Lishy Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I agree that the child needs stability but it is not the OP's role to do that, that stands with the childs mother and father. Tell your husband to pull his finger out and to show you some respect and ASK you if you can look after his child and not just expect it. It is his child not yours!
Owl Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Notify child services...have them investigate the mom. Clearly she's not fit, and its not a safe environment for the child.
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