Broke NC, mistake?

[pigeonsid]

Hi all... I went travelling immediately after my ex left me, so instituting NC was easier because I was overseas and on the move, distracted by different things. I got back into my hometown a week ago and I broke NC. I was forced to because we used to live together, and I coudn't find some stuff when I got back.

 

I only talked to him about household things, but he was all happy and chatty when he picked up the phone and I'm not sure what to do... I thought that I was getting over him, but hearing his voice I realised that all the old feelings are there and I still feel as though I'm in a relationship with him, even though he ended it and has moved out, and didn't make any effort to contact me while I was overseas for the past 3 months.

 

He left me, so the only way a second chance would be possible is if he decided to come back, right? Should I just go back to NC? I've realised that I don't even know how to intereact with him now. We were together for over a year, very serious about each other and glued to the hip. I had lots of insecurity issues during our relationship which probably contributed to driving him away, so I find it ironic that now he's gone I know how much I love him, and am also very trusting that he really did love me.

 

Am I just deluding myself? Was he just being nice because he's really over me? I feel that I"ve really learned from our breakup but I don't know - is it just too late? Am I just in denial?

[D-Lish]

I think it's too hard to tell from a short phone conversation.

At the very least, your friendly exchange tells you he has no anger towards you.... and that's a good thing.

 

If you truly want to get back together with him, the only way to find out where you stand is to let him know, to have a more serious conversation with him.

 

I understand your trepidation about seeing him. It is truly a dilemma. If you reach out to him or remain in contact and he doesn't want to get back together- you risk inviting pain into your life.

 

On the other hand, if you don't take that risk, you'll never know if the opportunity to work things out is an option.

 

Did you guys have closure on your relationship? Did you break up and then leave without dealing with it? It's obviously you have some unresolved feelings, they probably need to be addressed. Whether you decide to remain in NC mode or break the silence and talk to him- it does sound as if you have to either put him behind you or talk to him about how you are feeling.

 

You went away, you had time to think about things and discover some important things about yourself.

 

I guess you have to figure out if it's worth the risk of putting your heart on the line again. Perhaps you could put your feelings into a letter and decide if you want to send it or keep it for your own closure. I have drafted contact letters from time to time. SOme of them I have decided to send and others I have kept for myself.

 

What does your instinct tell you about where his head is at? Did you touch on anything emotional at all when you talked to him? Did he ask if you had met anyone, or mention anyone new in his life? I have found that if a man you once dated asks you about your current dating situation that he is asking for a reason.

 

You guys obviously had a strong connection, and it doesn't sound as if there is anger lingering there on either end....Obviously he's open to talking to you because he didn't tell you to get lost, and he did pick up the phone when you called. I don't know- that says something doesn't it?

[pigeonsid]

When he left at first he was very angry, but I did manage to calm him down and have a proper talk with him where I think he finally how we were both guilty of breaking our relationship. And when I was overseas I did have one drunken night where I called him and he talked to me, but he still said that it didn't work, we weren't good for each other. I'm confused though because when I told him I loved him, he told me he loved me as well (and this is how he finally left me). But maybe he just said that so as not to hurt my feelings? I believe it though - we had a really intense relationship, I don't think either of us has ever been so serious about someone or so certain.

 

I know he likes to stay friends with his exes though, so I don't know if he's just talking to me because of that, or if he's also missed me, or what. It was so painful just to hear his voice again, and it scares me that I don't feel as though we've broken up. It's already so painful to think that he really left me, I don't know if I'm ready to face him and see that he's completely over me. During our relationship we both also always agreed that once someone is an ex, it's over, you never go back. When he left me, I was really surprised that I still wanted him back even after he'd done that to me, and that has made me realise just how much I love him.

 

I've been going to a counsellor and working on lots of deeper issues that I now see were surfacing during my relationship, and I am more forgiving of my ex now because I understand why he left, or at least I understand that this isn't really his burden to carry. I don't know if it's best to just hide away, keep working on this stuff alone and not let him see me like this.

 

I kept the tone of the conversation very impersonal, just talking about some household stuff, so there wasn't really any chance to ask personal things. We both said we were good and I think we were both bluffing a little. Well, I was at least. I'm really scared that he's completely moved on and doesn't miss me, and is doing fine. And I'm scared because I still feel like a huge wreck. It's been good because I'm dealing with lots of other issues from my past that I had never been able to deal with before, but I do feel really vulnerable right now. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do - just try keep talking to him? Does that even work, or does it just backfire when you see your ex finally get a new girlfriend?

 

My instinct tells me that he's so stubborn that he won't allow us to try again, just on principle, no matter how much he wants it, no matter how much it hurts us both. And that makes me even more sad because I know how good our relationship was, and that it really did hurt both of us so much to have it end. I think that it may be a good thing he left, because our fights were escalating at the end and him leaving meant that he ended it before we got to a point where we wouldn't be able to forgive each other, but now I'm not sure if it's possible to get back into the relationship. I'm also worried because I still feel like I'm in a relationship with him and I'm scared that if I see him or interact with him a lot I'll slip up, just fall back into it and look like some psycho ex.

[EllaDerSpin]

It is up to you, but, it already sounds as though contact with him is causing you pain, after one brief phonecall. Do you think it will get easier?

The only possible reason you could think of keeping contact is the hope that he will fall in love with you all over again.

You have to weigh up the risk.

Maybe it is worth it, but, maybe you have to protect your heart.

After my ex left me, I really felt that I had probably made huge mistakes in never giving myself to the relationship. At first I was angry that he would not speak to me, then I moved on to having understanding and compassion that he was only protecting his heart. Through all of that I thought I had made a big mistake. After all the pain and confusion passed, I realised that I really would never have given my heart to him because he really wasnt the right person for me.

This took me probably about 4 or 5 months.

[s_n_d]

Like D-Lish said, You cannot tell how he feels from a short phone call.

 

I think that in order to know how good NC is for you, you have to break it a few times. I think i broke NC atleast twice in the past. After breaking it, I felt terrible. I then realized that NC is the best thing for me. Its been 21 days NC for me now and I have no intentions of breaking it any time soon unless HE contacts me with something important to say.

 

I think you should go back into NC after you see him.

You will definitely cause yourself alot of heartache by staying in contact with him.

 

At the end of the day, some things that seem to be a mistake could turn out to be something great. You seeing him could bring you some peace or be good for the both of you. You never know what the future will hold. I know that everything happens for a reason and this definitely happened for a reason.

[pigeonsid]

Hi all, thanks for your replies. God, I can't believe how bad I am feeling right now. A month ago I thought I had put a lot of this behind me. I had a cute rebound thing while I was overseas, and that made me feel attractive again and also that life was going to go on - that I was going to find better things. But since coming back home to our apartment, I've felt really down. It used to be a home, now it just feels empty and I miss him a lot.

 

I've been trying to go out and see people, but I have a feeling that I bring the mood down and I"m not quite back to normal yet, I don't feel as social as I used to. I just sort of want to hide away and wallow, even though I know that isn't the best thing to do.

 

Most of all, I just wish I could feel that it was over. In the past, it's been easier to let go of people and recognise that it's over. I guess that this time I've just allowed myself to get more involved with him.

Anyway, again - thanks for your replies. It's nice to be able to get all this out. I thought I would be stronger when I returned, and I suppose I have been, but I still feel really hurt and I keep waiting to wake up from all this. I really expected my relationship to be different. I really expected to be in a different place right now. I guess you just don't know what life's going to throw you huh?

 

I will have to see him sometime, but I know that I can't contact him any more. He is supposed to be buying me some new household things, since he managed to lose things that weren't his, so it will be up to him to contact me. And when he does, I'll see if he wants to see me or not. And I guess that when I see him I'll either recognise that things have changed, and it will be easier to let go of him (even though it will be painful) or else I'll see if he seems to want to get back together or not. I think I'm hoping too much for that, though. When I think about it properly - he decided to leave, and he must have been really comfortable with that decision to have moved out of our apartment. He had time to change his mind - he didn't. So why would he suddenly want to come back? He gave up on us. And even though I don't understand how he could do that, that is the truth. He just didn't think it was worth it, working through our problems. Oh God, that makes me so sad just thinking about how easily he gave up on us.

 

Sorry guys, I'm just really down this week.

[pigeonsid]

Hi, just posting here because I"m feeling really down, and unable to concentrate. I've been trying to stay busy but it's such an effort to snap out of this. I've got work to do, and I find myself just finding it difficult to think about anything, really. When I go out with friends, I find myself being mopey and boring and also unable to think about anything else. What is wrong with me??

 

I guess everyone on this board is right - don't break NC, it's too traumatic. I heard his voice this week and it's sent me back 3 months, and erased lots of good work I was doing in getting over him and getting on with my life. *sigh* Guess I just have to keep trusting that one day this is going to stop hurting so much.

[D-Lish]

It will stop hurting so much one day.

I have had many heart aches in the past- some relationships and some other personal traumas.... When a certain amount of time has passed, you just look back on it as a distant, foggy memory.

 

I think it was easier for you when you were away because you were completely removed from the situation and distracted by new surroundings and foreign experiences. Now that you have returned to the familiar surroundings where you shared a life with your ex.... it's natural that you have regressed.

 

Is it an option for you to move? It might help you to be in a new place where there aren't constant reminders of your ex lingering about. I stayed in the house when my ex and I broke up and everything around me reminded me of the life I once had with him.

 

I think that regardless of whether or not you might get back together one day- it's important for you to face each day like it's over. You have to train you mind that way in order to begin to heal.

 

If he said he loved you but he didn't think you were right for one another- he is probably telling the truth. In order to re-initiate a reconciliation, you really would have to go through a whole lot of work that might end up causing you pain if he doesn't accept you.

 

I'd even give up waiting for him to contact you so he can replace some of your lost things. That waiting is just another reason to keep you hoping.

 

He knows where you are.

I truly do think NC is your best option at this point.

[juliegeraci]

I broke NC 2 days ago and it was the worst thing I could have done. I am back on day 1 now and I really wish I had never done it. I was 16 days in when we talked on the phone. Today is a new day.

[pigeonsid]

Thanks for your advice, D-Lish. And you're right - he probably is telling the truth. He can't see a future with me. I just wish that I could erase the future that I had already imagined with him. It's so difficult to realise that it's over. I keep wanting to call him - I keep feeling as though I could just talk to him like normal, just catch up, just be okay. But it's over, and he is never going to try be with me again.

 

Oh God, sorry guys - just need to vent. Am finding it so difficult to concentrate. I'm trying to work and I just keep thinking about how happy I was before, keep trying to work out what went wrong. I've been reading about how closure only happens from you - nothing else can give you closure. I know that talking to him again isn't going to help me, but I really do wish I knew how to switch my brain off, or how to stop the obsessive thoughts repeating in my head. I keep thinking - if only I did this, if only I did that, then maybe everything would be okay and I would be happy again.

 

This makes no sense, I know. And to think that just a month ago I really thought that I was going to be okay - that I was over it, and that I'd be back to normal in no time. I don't understand how I let just a man affect me so much.

 

But you're right - NC is the best option. I need to let go, let go of hope, let go of all my wishful thinking, and just face the facts of what my life is now. Any advice/support/happy tales of how people have come out of this stronger and with better lives would be much appreciated. I'm doing my best to stay positive but it's hard to see how I'm going to bounce back from this. I really was so happy last year. I can't believe that it's over. I don't want to be the sad person who can't move on - if my ex made the decision to leave he must have already disengaged himself and be happy with his decision, happier in his lief now. But I'm still mentally waiting for him to come back. How do we just make that stop?