Shadowdog36 Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Well, I've been true to my word and I've stayed away for quite some time. Actually haven't logged in since August. The past year was one of the busiest I've had in quite some time. Major life changes. Where to begin... I guess first thing first...haven't spoken with her in the past year. Sent her a Merry Christmas text in December, and never got a reply. Honestly didn't expect one, just wanted to be nice. I still see her occasionally in the city (we still work one block from each other). I'm still hitting the gym on a regular basis. I've dropped 45 pounds, down to a skinny 195...believe me, at 6-1 and with my frame, 195 is thin! I'm still smoke free...since Feb of last year (maybe that's why I was thinking about LS!) And I'm still single, only this time, joyfully, happily single. I've had my share of dates, hook-ups, flings, and some random groping outside the bar at 2 am on a Friday night. I've had women chase me, strange women approach me (not 'strange'...you know what I mean) and I've been able to approach anyone when I'm out. I'm more open, more honest, and more -me- than I've ever been. I was so afraid that this experience would turn me inside out and I'd become this bitter, jaded person, and that hasn't happened. Quite the opposite! I guess I was so focused on not becoming that guy that it really made me look at who I am. Honestly, I'd been so wrapped up in how I react, I lost sight of who I was. I was passively sitting back and letting life 'happen' around me. In the past 6 months, I decided that I would create my own life for myself and everyone better get outta my way. No more trying to make everyone happy all the time. Some people are not going to like me and that's ok. I like me! My gawd, I sound like stuart smalley (is that his name?) When I started back at the gym after almost 20 years off, one of the first things I had to do was to re-train my body to do the exercises. Any athlete does it..it's called muscle memory. I guess why I'm bringing that up is because that's what I did to my entire life. I re-trained myself to start living again. Fake it till you make it some people say, and I'll tell you, it works. After a few months of forcing that silly smile and the endless caffene to keep my mood elevated, I actually began to feel better. In the past year, my dog died and both of my roommates moved out, so I have my house back to myself again, and having that space really helped. It also helped not having anyone in the house to get your 'fix' for human contact, and it forced me, in those early months, to be social. I guess my point of all this is that, like everyone says on here, it does get better. There's no switch, and really no defining moment when everythings ok again. It is a process. When I was at my lowest last year, this site helped me put things back into perspective. But by sticking around, I didn't get the distance that I needed. Constantly re-living some of the worst moments in your life, constantly trying to understand what you can't won't give you the 'closure' that you're lookng for. Some of the best people on here giving out advice are people that have come through the other side and are happily married, in new relationships, or are so far removed from what brought them here in the first place, they're able to see things clearly. I guess that's another reason why I stayed away for so long. What did I learn? I love her. I probably always will. I know that about myself now, and I'm ok with that. I won't hide from it anymore and I won't try to convince myself that what I know to be true, isn't. She was an amazing woman that came into my life, touched my heart, and changed me for the better. What's not to love? I hope she finds someone that's as special to her as she was to me. I only miss her when I allow myself to miss her, and those days are few and far between anymore. Thanks again to everyone on here that listens.
D-Lish Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I'm glad you came out the other side of things with clarity. I stayed away for a long time after I lingered here for about a year lamenting my break up. I too found it was keeping me too close to the pain. I came back when some new problems arose and I wanted perspectives. It's a good place to vent and lament and call home during the dark times. I am also finding that it's a good place to come back to when you have found resolution. It's always therapeutic to offer insight and advice when you are feeling good about your place in life. It's like giving back.... and that always feels good. Glad things have worked out- it's proof to people that the darkness that often accompanies a heart break can be overcome. People will find inspiration from your story. Welcome back (if you're going to linger). D
PinkRibbon Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Very inspirational post! I hope I have myself together a year after all this. Some times it is so hard to see the hope but a post like this makes me realize I will live through this and become a better person in the process. Thanks so much and you sound like you have it all together!
s_n_d Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Shadowdog36, Thanks. I needed a bit of encouragement that things DO indeed get better and your words worked in helping me.
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