Over it

[SarahT111]

:mad:I have had enough.

 

Life is getting to hard for me and ive really had it.

Everything is going from bad to worse.

My bestfriend has moved countries, my sister has moved cities, I lost my job. I have NO money, uni is far to har and I cant understand anything. Every1 seems to hate me including my own parents and of course the break up has ripped me apart.

I cant explain the amount of pain I have been in over the last two months. I also feel like an utter failure and so worthless.

 

It started with a crap year (07) where everything that could have gone wrong did and I was feeling very down. I had my ex partner then and I thought it was for life so I had hardly any friends as I didn't need any.

Now he has gone. I really cant explain how much I am hurt over this! Do you know what its like to have someone you love more than anything in the world suddenly hate you? He dumped me (after two years) and had another gf that very next day and hated me He ripped my heart to pieces. I cant explain how badly hurt I am. The thought of him with some one else is to much for me to bear. He dragged me down so much towards the end saying all his friends and family hated me. He even turned old friends of mine against me with lies and by 4wding my txts around

He used to be soooo loving and he loved me and cared for me so much! I dont understand what happeened :mad: :mad: :mad:

Who is he really? The loving guy I once new or the nasty one who ripped my heart out??? I dont understand

Im so lonely. Im not pretty and im shy and boring. No guy EVER looks twice at me and I wont find love again. I chased after my now ex partner for over a year before he asked me out. He wasn't interested in me like everyother guy and went on all these dates with beautiful outgoing blondes while I was wating for him. He only went out with me because he was lonely and had no other hot blonde round at the time.

 

Anyway life without him is tourture Im so down right now. Things have gone from bad to worse and I dont eat or sleep any more. I have no one to talk to and I dont want to live anymore.

 

I used to be worried of what I would do to myself but now I just dont care anymore. I almost welcome it. I no thats horrible and selfish but thats just how i feel right now. I Have nothing to live for and each day is tourture.

 

Ive tried EVERYTHING possible people have suggested on this but nothing is working. Im even going to councilling now and I have done everything possible to snap out of this and get my life back on track. I feel like nothing has worked and I cant go on living like this anymore. I dont no what to do.I dont want to have to hurt anyone but I really cant going on living like this. I cant describe how much pain I am in everyday.

Edited February 20, 2008 by SarahT111

[BalancenLuv20]

Please take a deep breath...i know there is only so much here we can say to you because we don't know you, but I feel for you Sarah I do...I wakeup feeling lonely and go to bed feeling lonely and occasionally depressed...it's gotten a lot better, but the only thing that has really healed things has been TIME...maybe a few suggestions I have from reading your post are to try and reconcile with your parents and tell them what you are going through and that you need them right now...I know they aren't by any means the Romeo or best friend you're looking for to sweep you off your feet and make things all better, but they are your parents and it sounds like they love you and that you are just having some differences with them right now...

 

I also understand you are going to college...I would start to open up to people in your classes in college and see what happens...you have a wonderful opportunity on your hands try and see if you can get involved maybe join some clubs or volunteer...as for the money situation, there are many roads you can go, but maybe try and get a part time job and/or seek your parents for some guidance/assistance?...it sounds like you have a lot to look forward to, at the very least hopefully it will cheer you up a little by me saying I think you are very smart for finding this sight and you have found a group of people who will care and be there to talk to you if no one else does...keep your head up, i promise you are not alone in your struggle and I hope you find something that will inspire you and keep you going during this difficult time...

[stayc208]

sarah i feel your pain!!

 

I am in a similar situation. I was doing great, but saw something on facebook today that made me deactivate all together. My ex had someone waiting in the shadows as well (as much as he won't admit it) and still wants to be friends. I say no wayy!

 

Do things for yourself. I worked out tonight after I walked by him picking her up on my way to a test.. not good. And now I feel great! I'm giving him up for Lent and will move on with my life. You have to be strong for yourself.. no one else.

 

You will make friends, just give it time. Many people, including most of us have been through a similar situation. There are up days and then there are down days, just gotta get through those bad days and STAY BUSY!

[sedgwick]

Sarah, what do you look like? Do you know that a LOT of men find the "perfect" blonde chicks boring? It's true! My ex dated very, very plain-looking girls until he met me. I'm a heavily-tattooed woman with bright red dreadlocks and I am by no means skinny. All his exes were super skinny, to the point of having no T&A at all. I thought there was no way I could ever get him because I wasn't skinny or plain enough. Yes, I thought I wasn't plain enough, and I beat myself up about it! All this, "oh, if I looked like a librarian with mousy brown hair and no boobs, then he'd be attracted to me." It turned out that he was completely transfixed by the fact that I have big boobs, and said he'd always wanted a girlfriend who looked like Ani DiFranco. And every time we'd see a blonde woman with flawless makeup, wearing pointy-toed high-heeled shoes, he'd say something like, "There goes the complete antithesis of what i find attractive." He used to tell me he had to turn away from pictures of Paris Hilton because he found her so ugly. Think what you will about Paris; she's blonde and skinny, etc. The thing we as women tell ourselves ALL guys want. It's just not true.

 

What are you studying? What year in school are you? Everything could be extra hard with your studies right now because you can't focus, because you're depressed. That's perfectly valid. There's a way out.

 

What is the one thing you most wish you could change about your appearance? What are you doing to make that change?

 

PS: My best friend of 14 years moves 4 hours away from me tomorrow. My other closest friend just ran off to India for a month. And the man I love more than life itself isn't speaking to me, because I don't have the exact same career as he does. So I feel ya.

Edited February 20, 2008 by sedgwick

[BrianG]

I completely understand what your going through. Life can be very difficult at times and to be honest can suck. Believe me, but you and I have to believe its only temporary. My ex-gf of 5 years left our apartment after only living together for only 6 months, and now I am stuck in the apartment and I have the ghost of her everywhere. I love her very much and she was very beautiful and I am the one mainly to blame for screwing it up. Shortly after that I lost my job, followed by getting in a car accident totally my new car and messing me up pretty good with no health insurance. So for right now I just turned 30 and I have no job, no girl, no car and too top it all off I have to pay all the rent for the apartment with no job. Sometimes you can feel all alone in your pain, but then I think of how many people have it ten times worse than me and manage to get through each day. i have worked very hard on working on myself, but I have dealt with the extreme emotional pain of losing her everyday so far for 4 months. I have to say that I have hit rock bottom, but I know there is no where to go but up. I hope some of this helps because you sound like me. Hang in there, keep busy, and know that there is nowhere to go but up.

[D-Lish]

The first thing you need to do is find some confidence in yourself. Truly, that is what men find attractive in a woman- someone that carries themselves with the kind of beauty that emanates from the inside.

 

WHat you are doing right now is beating yourself further into the ground with a whole lot of negative talk. There are some things in life you simply cannot control. If you keep recognizing the crappy stuff that is around you- you'll only recognize crappy and you will stop being able to see what is good.

 

I am sure you are not an ugly girl. It's the horrible self talk you are repeating to yourself over and over again that is making you feel unworthy and ugly.

 

You said that when you were in a relationship that you didn't feel a need to keep up with friendships. I have learned over the years that friends will always play an important role in your life- not to mention your self esteem.

 

Again, I must re-iterate- it's not you that is ugly at all, it's your insecurity that is blocking you from seeing all the good things about yourself.

 

Seeing a counsellor is a good thing. Keep up with that. Reversing a lifetime of bad thoughts about yourself doesn't change overnight.

 

The best revenge is feeling better. You have to give yourself a chance to feel better. Make a point of recognizing the good things that come your way. You will see those things if you are looking for them. If all you see is the bad- you'll only invite more bad because that is what you are looking for.

 

Your year started off with a crappy beginning- that doesn't mean the entire year is shot. It's only shot if you allow it to happen. Life doesn't run it's course according to a calender- things can and do shift all the time.

 

The first thing you must do is stop talking smack to yourself.

 

As hard as it is to do, the first step in feeling better is to begin looking at the positive things in your life and inviting more of that positive thinking.

It won't happen overnight. Getting over your relationship won't happen overnight either. Feeling better has to start with you making an effort to change things. It won't happen on it's own.

[EllaDerSpin]

Sarah, give yourself some credit will you.

If your ex is such a great catch then I'm sure that the reason he stayed with you for 2 years wasnt because during that time there were no other girls around. Cumon.

He loved you for two years because of you. Even if he didnt love you, so what? Does that define you?

Boring? Thats a strange word anyway. Sometimes I find laugh a minute people boring if they have no depth to them, and I know people who find deep people boring because they arent cracking jokes every second.

Make your own life interesting to you, and you will attract people who are interested in the same things that you are.

One other thing. It isnt really looks that attract guys anyway, or at least you look more attractive because of who you are. What is the most attractive thing to people, is being honest and true to yourself. Love yourself, and other people will love you too.

[SarahT111]

Hey everyone!

Thanks for your replies!

Life is just such a mess right now! I know it could get a lot worse and most people probably think im being incredibly selfish but its just how im feeling right now! Ive never been good at coping with disappointment!

 

Sedgwick: Youu asked, What is the one thing you most wish you could change about your appearance? What are you doing to make that change?

Unfortunatly the changes to my appearance that I would love to make aren't simple and would involve plastic surgery! I have a massive horrible nose (seriously) along with many other things I cant change! I would love to but I really dont have any money!

 

Brian: Im sorry to hear what your are going through! I totally blame myself aswell for screwing it up! Its horrible! And your right im sure there are people who have it 10x worse than me and get through it! I have hit rock bottom aswell but again your right in saying there is no other way than up!

 

D-Lish: Thanks for your reply! I really am making an effort to change things but nothing seems to be helping the pain!

 

EllerDerSpin: Thankyou, to be honest I chased this guy over a year and he didn't even want to ask me out. He new I liked him but only really talked to me when there wasn't another hot blonde around. I chased for ages and ages while he went after all these hot blondes and he wouldn't even talk to me when he finally secured one! (didn't last long tho) So when there was no one left he asked me out just because I was the only person left and he HATES being alone! I made him love me becasue I did SOOO much for him. but when i stopped doing as much and wanted something in return he was gone I dont think he loved me, He just loved having someone there. Im just scared as no one else has ever givn me a chance to love them as im really shy. No one really tries to get to know me either no matter how hard I try theres always someone better than me Im loney and scared it will always be like this!!

 

 

Thanks everyone else for your replies!! I really need a reason to hate this guy!!!!

He broke up with me becasue his family and friends hated me. (his reason)

Infact we never offically broke up, We had an argument and the next day when I go to try and fix things again he claimed he has now moved on.

I was devastated and said I didn't want to live without him and he just said 'riiiight haha dont be so stupid'. He knew I was utterly devastated.

 

The next day he made all his myspace, facebook and bebo profiles public so everyone could see them and completly flaunted his new gf all over them. He had pictures of her, sent her all these affectionate comments and wrote blogs about how he was so happy now and life couldn't be better with his new girl. Any memory of me was completely erased and it looked he acts like I never even exsisted. He never once tried to check up on me and just continued to flaunt his happiness all over the place.

Is that a nasty thing to do to someone when they are devastated about you leaving or am I over reacting? All his internet profiles used to be private but as soon as he dumped me they became public so i HAD to see them!

 

During our relationship I also found emails and txts to other girls saying i treated him like dirt and that they should come visit him so he can spend some money on them (he came into a lot of money while we were 2ghter)

Whenever I confronted him he got REALLY angry and always turned it round so it was my fault!!!!

 

Anyway I dont know why im even writing all this, just needed to ramble! If your still reading please leave me a comment telling me hes a loser and I should hate him or something!

He reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally broke my heart and i need help getting everything back together!!!

[MattyTee]

Hey everyone!

Thanks for your replies!

Life is just such a mess right now! I know it could get a lot worse and most people probably think im being incredibly selfish but its just how im feeling right now! Ive never been good at coping with disappointment!

 

Most people don't matter Sarah. We are each given our own personal struggles and each is as important as the other. A nice quote from my favourite author (Paulo Coelho):

 

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

At the same time I would say try not to judge how you feel. Really, there is no reason to and you are simply making things harder for yourself by worrying about feeling sad Don't feel guilty for it!

 

Sedgwick: Youu asked, What is the one thing you most wish you could change about your appearance? What are you doing to make that change?

Unfortunatly the changes to my appearance that I would love to make aren't simple and would involve plastic surgery! I have a massive horrible nose (seriously) along with many other things I cant change! I would love to but I really dont have any money!

 

Why change anything? I can promise you this, the feeling that what we look like actually matters is a false creation of ego. Do all the most beautiful and 'perfectly' formed people in the world have happy, fulfilled lives? Do they find a better love than we 'normal' folks do? All that stuff is an illusion Sarah, in the same way that our job, our house, our pets, our cash is all an illusion as well. Being in love for those things won't last because it's not love.

 

EllerDerSpin: Thankyou, to be honest I chased this guy over a year and he didn't even want to ask me out. He new I liked him but only really talked to me when there wasn't another hot blonde around. I chased for ages and ages while he went after all these hot blondes and he wouldn't even talk to me when he finally secured one! (didn't last long tho) So when there was no one left he asked me out just because I was the only person left and he HATES being alone! I made him love me becasue I did SOOO much for him. but when i stopped doing as much and wanted something in return he was gone I dont think he loved me, He just loved having someone there. Im just scared as no one else has ever givn me a chance to love them as im really shy. No one really tries to get to know me either no matter how hard I try theres always someone better than me Im loney and scared it will always be like this!!

 

Ella has a lot of good advice, remember to focus some attention on yourself - you need to develop a decent relationship there. The old saying of love yourself before you can truly love another, well it's true. But another way of putting it is to accept yourself ... because within that you'll have a huge power. Once it happens, you will find people flocking to you (not just to be with you, but friends and family will be drawn to you as well). Believe me, I know. The moment I started feeling happier within myself, more content with who I actually was ... I started getting a lot of attention and people enjoyed spending time with me.

 

You will drive yourself crazy living in the past. As difficult as it is try not to focus on what was, or what may have been. You can use the past to learn from, but if you try and live there it will cause you no end of suffering.

 

Thanks everyone else for your replies!! I really need a reason to hate this guy!!!!

He broke up with me becasue his family and friends hated me. (his reason)

Infact we never offically broke up, We had an argument and the next day when I go to try and fix things again he claimed he has now moved on.

I was devastated and said I didn't want to live without him and he just said 'riiiight haha dont be so stupid'. He knew I was utterly devastated.

 

The next day he made all his myspace, facebook and bebo profiles public so everyone could see them and completly flaunted his new gf all over them. He had pictures of her, sent her all these affectionate comments and wrote blogs about how he was so happy now and life couldn't be better with his new girl. Any memory of me was completely erased and it looked he acts like I never even exsisted. He never once tried to check up on me and just continued to flaunt his happiness all over the place.

Is that a nasty thing to do to someone when they are devastated about you leaving or am I over reacting? All his internet profiles used to be private but as soon as he dumped me they became public so i HAD to see them!

 

During our relationship I also found emails and txts to other girls saying i treated him like dirt and that they should come visit him so he can spend some money on them (he came into a lot of money while we were 2ghter)

Whenever I confronted him he got REALLY angry and always turned it round so it was my fault!!!!

 

Anyway I dont know why im even writing all this, just needed to ramble! If your still reading please leave me a comment telling me hes a loser and I should hate him or something!

He reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally broke my heart and i need help getting everything back together!!!

 

Honestly speaking, and I don't say things like this very often, he doesn't sound like a particularly nice bloke. But it doesn't matter if I say that or not ... it's not about him! I can tell you he's a loser and you are better off without him until I'm blue in the face but it won't change the process you have to go through - which is similar to the one I have to, finding some belief in yourself Keep posting Sarah ... keep venting

[EllaDerSpin]

I agree. He doesnt sound very nice at all.

Its a good thing you are no longer with him. Now you can work on your own progress without someone hindering you by that kind of treatment.

[SarahT111]

:mad:I understand what everyone is saying about needing to love myself and I do agree but how can I love myself when I dug this hole im in all by myself?

When i was with my ex I felt like he was all I needed. My future and life was all planned out and all I wanted was to be with him. As a result of this I pushed all of my friends away. I stopped going out with friends and didnt have one close friend at all. But it didn't matter because I had my ex at that stage.

 

I have never had a close bond with my family and have had many long standing arguments that results in me not speaking to a family member for years. It caused tension in my family and now none of them really like me. My own parents often drag me down alot saying im selfish and they are never supportive or loving of me. When I tried to speak with my mum about what im going through she just laughed and said 'get over it'. Again I have no one to blame but myself for all this.

 

Then i lost my job as I had an argument with my boss and walked out! Again my fault.

 

Eventually I pushed my ex away and lost him to With no one to blame but myself. He had another girl the next day and was just ripped out of my life. He was my best friend aswell and now im all alone.

 

I found myself completely alone when he left. I had no close friends to talk to and when I tried to make up with the old ones they really didn't want to know anymore. They had moved on with their lives and since I had shut them out there was really no room left for me (Which I totally understand)

My sister then moved countries and my parents worked long hours at their jobs. I was/am also on uni holidays with nothing to do. I found myself more alone than ever before. I was/am alone in an empty house with no one to talk to all day long, i had no friends to go out with and my ex was now dating another girl and refused to talk to me which ripped my heart out.

 

I have NO-ONE to blame but MYSELF for this horrible mess I have gotten myself into.

How on Earth to I find the ability to love my self when I destroyed my entire life!!!!!!!?????

I absolutly hate myself for the way I have ruined my life!! I hate who I am and what I have done. On top of that I have allllways hated what I looked like so it is extremelly difficult for me to love myself!

I dont think I could ever forgive myself for ruining my life. I had it all and was so happy, yet now I have nothing and it is No-ones fault but mine!

 

Im am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lonely.

I am trying to put things together by making new friends and just helping out others but I cant help but hate myself for destroying my life.

I cant help but feel like the lonliest person in the world even when im in a room surrounded with people. :mad:

 

Everything is a mess

[EllaDerSpin]

Hey. We are all our own worst enemies most of the time. Understand yourself and forgive yourself. Think about what you want to achieve. Do you want to be a loving person who can make a good and loving contribution to your world. Do you think you can achieve this if you reprimand yourself forever?

 

The answer is, no, you can't possibly. If you don't forgive yourself there are high chances that you will continue to be miserable, and your misery will pollute your life. So you made a mistake. You know, without mistakes theres nothing to learn from. Understand why you made the mistake in the first place. Low self esteem? Who is giving you low self esteem? Who is not forgiving you? Who is saying that you do not deserve to be forgiven?

 

Not speaking to people is sometimes necessary for self preservation. Even if you forgive a person, sometimes you need to keep your distance and thats ok. Try to forgive the people aswell though. Resentment really keeps you stuck in the situations you most dislike. If you need to be distant in order to forgive, then do that.

[Belkin]

I am trying to put things together by making new friends and just helping out others.

 

That's fantastic Sarah! You're on the right tracks!

Please, don't say you destroyed your entire life, that is absolutely untrue. As the saying goes, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But healing takes time... I'm certain that soon you will regain confidence and bounce back to life, as you already have a few times in the past. It maybe doesn't seem so to you right now, but I can assure you you are getting better just by reading your posts!

Try going out some, you can't stay all the time in your empty house... Go to the movies, jog, buy a coffee at a sunny cafe's terrasse and enjoy a good book... And update your profile so we know how old you are and where you live

Stay strong Sarah, life's tough at times, but YOU are always the one in control at the end. Focus on Uni for now if it helps!

You're a great person, just look at all the people who care for you on this forum. Sure, we're all hiding behind a pseudonym and you'll probably never see any of us IRL, but we ARE real people none the less. Your story has really touched and moved me, and from the posts I read I'm not the only one. When I log in to LS, I do it to check if anyone has answered my posts, and find out how you are doing now! So really, you shouldn't have any problems making new friends: you don't seem shy or boring here, don't pretend to be IRL! And I'm not leaving till Saturday afternoon, so I'll probably keep checking LS like a maniac until then (<- maniac bunny)

[SarahT111]

Thanks EllaDerSpin

 

I guess I am my own worst enemie.

It is difficult to forgive myself for what happened tho

I really love him and miss him more than anything. Yet he is out there with a fresh new start and a great new gf totally happy and ive never been so depressed in mylife.

I feel like I am being punished!! Everything bad happens to me yet everything good happens to him!

I feel so bad for everything that has happened I just want to tell him how I really feel for him and that Im so sorry for every little thing I said and did that was wrong or hurt him

But he doesn't care. He hates me and will just laugh at me again

I just dont no how to make things right! But I dont want to leave things how they are now! Ahhhhhh I really don't no anymore!!! This post doesn't even make sense to me!!!

 

O and you say I need to forgive him ... How could I after what he did to me?

We never even broke up We argued about something stupid then the next day i logged on to his bebo and facebook only to find he was now 'in a relationship' (with me it was 'seeing someone') and to find all these comments sent to another girl a few days ago. These comments were really affectionate comments and totally ripped my heart out, i mean I cant even possibly explain how much these comments destroyed me. When I asked what was going on he said he wanted to move on now and that he was sorry I had to find out this way.

I mentioned I didn't want to live anymore (not to guilt trip him but that really how I felt) just to get a 'riiiiight, haha dont be so stupid' reply back.

After that he added more stuff to all his internet pages and made all his profiles accessible so I could easily see them. He never bothered to ever check up on me again I could be dead now for all he cares

How could he do this!? And how could I forgive!! He knows I was on the brink of suicide so what does he do? Rub it an and make it worse!

I could never ever in a million years hurt someone like that!!!

Who is he really? The loving caring guy I once new or the horrible, cruel heartless guy I now know.

Im crying soooooooooooooooooooooo much right now that I cant even see or understand what im typing Im hurting so much and I dont want to go on like this anymore :mad:

 

What do i do?! Do i just give up and live like this? Ive tried EVERYTHING yet im still bawling my eyes out everyday and in complete physical pain! I honestly cant take it much longer! I cant even get close to describing the amount of pain im in

I just dont no how, or even if its worth trying, to cope anymore

 

My heart is ripped to a trillion pieces and everything I try and just do makes it worse

I cant live like this anymore

Edited February 22, 2008 by SarahT111

[EllaDerSpin]

Sarah. Nothing ever stays the same for long. At the moment it feels like you will never feel any different, but, you will. Have faith.

 

You might not realise it, but, you are always loved.

 

No. In no way am I saying you should be forgiving him at the moment. It is way too early to think about that.

 

Keep talking if you want to.

[SarahT111]

Sarah. Nothing ever stays the same for long. At the moment it feels like you will never feel any different, but, you will. Have faith.

 

You might not realise it, but, you are always loved.

 

No. In no way am I saying you should be forgiving him at the moment. It is way too early to think about that.

 

Keep talking if you want to.

 

Thanks again!

I want to keep posting but its the same rubbish over and over again and I feel kinda guilty taking up everyones time!

My posts dont even make sense half the time!

But for everyone that does reply, thanks sooo much!!!!

Its good to just have some one to talk to!

[EllaDerSpin]

Thanks again!

I want to keep posting but its the same rubbish over and over again and I feel kinda guilty taking up everyones time!

My posts dont even make sense half the time!

But for everyone that does reply, thanks sooo much!!!!

Its good to just have some one to talk to!

You don't half give yourself some guilt.

Sometimes talking just helps even if it is nonsensical.

[MattyTee]

You don't half give yourself some guilt.

Sometimes talking just helps even if it is nonsensical.

 

This is very true! In fact, by saying those same things over and over again you are actually processing them, so don't feel like it's a waste of time. Each time those feelings rise everything may feel like it's dropped back to stage one but in fact you have moved some distance.

 

So, post, ramble ... and release

 

Three step plan to moving through it

[Belkin]

Yes Sarah, continue posting. Write down your feelings. Don't be afraid to ramble on and on and on about the same things, because you need to do this. I'm leaving now so this might be my last post for a week, but I'll think about you! I hope to come back and find out you've made a big step forward, I know you can do this. Have trust Sarah, one day it will be just a memory.