willodeewisp Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Recent events in my life have finally forced me to seek the professional help/guidance I need (should have done this 10 years ago). Has anyone been in therapy or counselling to examine if there is a pattern to the people we fall in love with? What it is as an individual we are seeking from a relationship and are these reasons healthy? Please, does counselling really work?
Trimmer Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Recent events in my life have finally forced me to seek the professional help/guidance I need (should have done this 10 years ago). Has anyone been in therapy or counselling to examine if there is a pattern to the people we fall in love with? What it is as an individual we are seeking from a relationship and are these reasons healthy? Please, does counselling really work? I have - I've done a couple years of therapy, and I think it has helped me very much. I tried it out as a result of separating and divorcing my wife, as a "coping" aid, and while I don't sit around and agonize over "what if," I believe it's possible that some of the things I've learned about myself may have been useful to me during my relationship as well, if I had done some of this work earlier in my life. Regardless, I'm darned sure it will be a benefit in the future, not just in the context of relationships, but in my life in general. The things I discovered were partly what you are asking about relationships and patterns, but also about myself as an individual, and some of the things in my development and growing up that contributed to "who I was." Among other things, I have really started to identify a part of me that is "a man," which sounds simple, but is something that I recognize I had not developed, fostered, or appreciated for a long time. Anyway, "does it work?" is a bit of a broad question, and it's answer depends on how you measure success. I believe, just like relationships, that the outcome of counseling/therapy is intensely personal, and dependent on a number of things, including the commitment you make to confronting yourself honestly and openly. You can't go to therapy, expecting someone else to fix you, as if you dropped off a car for some mechanical work. The process is one that you have to engage in, invest some energy into, and again, confront what may be difficult work with commitment and honesty. And to do all of this, clearly, you have to want to do it. Maybe I feel better able to answer the question: "Can it work?" and to this, I can cite my own experience, and say yes, it can.
Author willodeewisp Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 I have - I've done a couple years of therapy, and I think it has helped me very much. I tried it out as a result of separating and divorcing my wife, as a "coping" aid, and while I don't sit around and agonize over "what if," I believe it's possible that some of the things I've learned about myself may have been useful to me during my relationship as well, if I had done some of this work earlier in my life. Regardless, I'm darned sure it will be a benefit in the future, not just in the context of relationships, but in my life in general. The things I discovered were partly what you are asking about relationships and patterns, but also about myself as an individual, and some of the things in my development and growing up that contributed to "who I was." Among other things, I have really started to identify a part of me that is "a man," which sounds simple, but is something that I recognize I had not developed, fostered, or appreciated for a long time. Anyway, "does it work?" is a bit of a broad question, and it's answer depends on how you measure success. I believe, just like relationships, that the outcome of counseling/therapy is intensely personal, and dependent on a number of things, including the commitment you make to confronting yourself honestly and openly. You can't go to therapy, expecting someone else to fix you, as if you dropped off a car for some mechanical work. The process is one that you have to engage in, invest some energy into, and again, confront what may be difficult work with commitment and honesty. And to do all of this, clearly, you have to want to do it. Maybe I feel better able to answer the question: "Can it work?" and to this, I can cite my own experience, and say yes, it can. Thank you Trimmer, I needed that! I do wholeheartedly want the counselling to work and will do my part to reap the benefits, however am also scared to reveal the hidden truths that are bound to come out. I guess I just don't want to find out I'm a hopeless mess P.S. Curious if you've read the updates to my other threads?
eagle5 Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Has anyone been in therapy or counselling to examine if there is a pattern to the people we fall in love with? What it is as an individual we are seeking from a relationship and are these reasons healthy? I've read a great book all about why we fall for certain people, it's mainly about women but the author does say it's the same for guys too and I did see certain patterns with me, it's called 'Women That Love Too Much', I can't remember the authors name but would def say it's worth a read
Author willodeewisp Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 Thank you, I will have a look for that book. Any other reading suggestions about finding a purpose or meaning to ones life? As far as the relationship pattern goes, I find the men who are good to me, and treat me well don't hold my attention, but men who are emotionally unavailable get everytime hook, line and sinker
CaliGuy Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Recent events in my life have finally forced me to seek the professional help/guidance I need (should have done this 10 years ago). Has anyone been in therapy or counselling to examine if there is a pattern to the people we fall in love with? What it is as an individual we are seeking from a relationship and are these reasons healthy? Please, does counselling really work? Yes there is a pattern. Yes Counseling helps a lot. The trick is you have to WANT to get better. You have to be so sick and fed up with feeling the way you do that you make the decision to STOP feeling sorry for yourself and so something about how you feel. Definitely go see a Counselor. They can help a LOT and no, it's not unusual to go. When your body is sick, you see a Doctor. When your brain is sick, see a Counselor!
sedgwick Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I can unequivocally promise you I would have either died of anorexia or suicide by now had I not gone to therapy. Also, the book is called Women WHO Love Too Much and it's by Robin Norwood.
eagle5 Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Thanx for the correction Sedgwick, I think I was tired when I wrote that! And willo, that book explains exactly why guys that treat you well don't hold your attention and the 'shouldn't have' guys do!! As a guy I've learnt alot from it too....... I'll prob fall into the same trap again tho , hopefully not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
carhill Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Affirmative on the therapy... Depending on your needs, a therapist (LCSW) or a psychologist (PhD) may be appropriate. I've found for deeper issues a competent psychologist can get to the meat of the matter more quickly. Only book I've read recently, after taking an online test, was "Highly Sensitive Person" by Dr. Elaine Aaron, which described me so completely it was a life-changing event. Women aren't the only ones who "love too much" Therapy has taught me to be more selective in what I view as "proper" loving from a partner and recognizing those qualities in people I meet. I hope the OP gives it a go. Ask around amongst trusted friends or colleagues for a referral. We got ours from a psychologist who's a client of my wife's. She did good (in who she referred)
Author willodeewisp Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Well I made my first appointment with the counsellor for next Wednesday. What I really want to focus on is why I'm so self destructive when it comes to making myself happy. I can't seem to find what I'm searching for, and I think it stems for low self esteem and low self confidence. I'm afraid to go after what I really want, but what I find to be most frustrating is that I don't know what it is that I really want.
sedona Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 [sIZE=3]Try reading "He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. They describe exactly the sort of pattern you're talking about. The basic problem is fear of commitment, even though we dream of a good, solid relationship. This book describes the problem and typical pattern. They've written another book with more about what you can do about it. I think that it's incredibly hard to deal with these issues on your own and that it's terrific that you're able to get counselling to help you! [/sIZE]
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