realgone Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I know, I know. But it's really difficult today to listen to my own advice. Today's 22 days, the longest in 3 1/2 years. It's driving me insane. I know there's no good to come of contacting her, but I'm struggling. Tell me some stories. Remind me not to call. Remind me it's gonna get easier.
LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 RealGone I too am doing NC. I will kick your butt if you contact her!!! !! 22 days is AWESOME. WOW...You should open a bottle of wine (or your frosty beverage of choice) and celebrate!!!!!! Do the snoopy dance...it'll make you happy!!! Hows that for encouragment??
s_n_d Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Your doing great, hun. Today is 20 days NC for me and it has been especially hard. Last night at about 1am, I had the worst meltdown I have ever had. Look at it this way...You have come too far to turn back. The twenty days that Ive been doing NC have felt like a lifetime for me and Im sure you have felt the same. You and I have to maintain NC. NC COULD bring the exs back and if it doesnt itll help us get over them. Either way, We have to learn to live without them for the timebeing. I know its hard. 20 days has been the longest NC i have ever done. Be proud that you made it this far. Keep posting on here and let us know how your doing.
LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I am not there yet, but if I make it even 21 days..I will feel FABULOUS about myself...even if it DOES mean losing him forever. I don't have him NOW, so at least it will be on MY terms and not his!!!! That's the difference! And...by my third week...you'll be on your 6th!!!!
Meaplus3 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I know, I know. But it's really difficult today to listen to my own advice. Today's 22 days, the longest in 3 1/2 years. It's driving me insane. I know there's no good to come of contacting her, but I'm struggling. Tell me some stories. Remind me not to call. Remind me it's gonna get easier. Please give yourself a pat on the back for 22 day's.. that's super!! If you ended up breking NC.. then you will take a step back.. and the hurt will come back and strong.. just keep that in mind! It does.. get easier..try and distract yourself with thing's to keep your mind busy! Stay Strong. You can do this! Hug's! AP:)
dfreeman Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 It isn't so much that there is nothing good to come from contacting her - it's all the bad that comes from it. People hardly ever break NC and have it go anything near like they had hoped. They are usually just trading in the pain of not knowing where they stand (or being forgotten about) for knowing that they stand far worse off than they even imagined on their own (or, for being remembered, but not in the way they want to be remembered). Breaking NC may be appropriate in certain scenarios, but usually it is just a formal request to be seen as needy and clingy. You people that actually have a chance at real NC (I still have a couple of business transactions with my ex before I can avoid her 100%) don't know how lucky you are. I do really well at avoiding any personal contact with her and then I am forced to deal with her angry e-mails about the deal on the house or even worse today, had to avoid a big argument with her while signing some papers. Take it from someone who gets forced to break NC...I feel much better after not contacting her than when I do contact her.
s_n_d Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 AP is right. You can absolutely do this. I sometimes wonder how I ever lived before my ex. Im starting to see now, how i did..
yama8017 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 You've done a really good job!! Don't dial her number!! I'm only on my 4th day and it's already like hell. I even dreamed about my friggy ex last night and woke up crying. I tried NC a couple times and ended up dialing her number within three days. EVERYTIME after I talk to her I feel great, but later when I cool down, I figure out she's not mine anymore and I'm the only one who cares about it. The bond between us is weaker than it is between normal friends. All temporary happiness back fires and my short ass confidence is gone. Don't be me.
LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I am not sure your history RG...but I might be at the other end of the spectrum with NC. It is ME who wants NC. I am NO CONTACTING a man who is married to someone else. We have been friends a long time...even before his marriage....I want more...etc etc...you can read my thread under "How I'm Coping". Thing is...he will not let me go.He knows how unhappy I am but he wants us BOTH. I just ot an email from him as I am typing this. It's like he doesn't CARE how I feel. He knows I am weak when it comes to him..and it pisses me off. He takes advantage of it at times. So....on this end of the spectrum someone asks for space, or NC, then please respect them.It's selfish to blatantly disregard someones wishes. Not saying YOU are...just in general. If your ex asked for NC or space, you giving it to her IS not only respecting her it's respecting yourself. She will only have good memories of you if you don't hassle her. If she wants you back, she will come back. Just hang in there....
Belkin Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I totally agree with dfreeman. Forced contact really sucks when your trying your best at NC! I do all I can to avoid her, but keep bumping into her... At least I've successfully avoided talking (been 20 days too!)
openingup Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) Realgone, all my support and encouragement - you're doing so well!! I have only two weeks under my belt and I know there are rough days ahead, but I feel better knowing there are those like you and SND who have made it past those to another milestone. We deserve better than to feel awful all the time, right? We have friends who love us, homes, jobs, hobbies. As SND alluded to, the missing relationship was only one piece of an amazing life for all of us, we just have to reclaim it. Be brave! Edited February 19, 2008 by openingup typo
Author realgone Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 thank you all very much! i went 20 days prior to this, but that's when i found out she was sleeping with my friend. ugh. so now it's 22 days since then. i have days that i don't stress so much about it, but these last few have been torture. i feel like i'm experiencing every stage of grief simultaneously and it's making me sick... They are usually just trading in the pain of not knowing where they stand (or being forgotten about) for knowing that they stand far worse off than they even imagined on their own (or, for being remembered, but not in the way they want to be remembered). that's probably what would happen. but yeah. i'll be strong.
Elena62 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 thank you all very much! i went 20 days prior to this, but that's when i found out she was sleeping with my friend. ugh. so now it's 22 days since then. i have days that i don't stress so much about it, but these last few have been torture. i feel like i'm experiencing every stage of grief simultaneously and it's making me sick... that's probably what would happen. but yeah. i'll be strong. Well done for being strong up until now! I've been 19 days of NC. I didn't have to go NC I had the choice to stay in touch. But I'm so numb I can't keep in touch. Some days are better than others so keep posting on here! I keep remembering the good stuff which is making it worse. I wish I could totally hate him, but I don't. I'm just terribly numb. He's even infected my dreams, but even the dream was beautiful, dammit, with a nice sunrise right at the end of it that got bigger and bigger until the light was so brilliantly white I was washed over by it. Wish I could be angry like some of the people on here. Working out helps me, and running. I never used to run, but I do now. Do something that really pleases you, and hang in there - you're doing really, really, REALLY, well
sedgwick Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I'm at 5.5 months NC, and it gets harder and easier. I suppose I can't really count it as 5.5 months, actually, because I did send one text back in November, but I had his number blocked so I couldn't receive one back. Still, it's 3 months since then -- and I'm still kicking myself about that text. Don't do it. It WILL make you feel worse!!!!!!!!!!
D-Lish Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Breaking NC really does set you back- try and think of it that way. I am on 16 hours of NC. I could kick myself. I have made it as far as three weeks in the past with this guy, and I think if I can get there again that I can get over it. If you break the NC, it starts the hurtin' all over again. Yep- I was having the dreams and waking up in the middle of the night thinking of him.... so I broke and e-mailed him. Nothing good came out of it. You are doing well. Have a plan in place so when you think you are getting close to contacting you can turn to your alternative plan. 3 weeks is great.
Author realgone Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 just ranting, but... what drives me crazy is that, as far as i can tell, i'm doing everything right. i lift weights 4 times a week. box on wednesdays. (my body's looking amazing if i do say so myself). got a new job. moving out of the apartment in a week and a half. moving to nyc in 6 months. getting rid of a bunch of old stuff. seeing a psychologist. eating right. spending time with friends and family. etc, etc. but none of it really feels like living. everything is just a distraction from what i'm really doing, which is languishing, NOT calling her, feeling bad. i mean, some days it's cool. some days are okay. but invariably i come right back to this place where i'm at now, just... hurting, carrying around this weight from place to place. obsessing. anxious and depressed. i know when it's done i'll be stronger and better for all of it, but i just have no patience for it right now. i mean, i don't want her back. not actually. i couldn't even imagine being seen with her after this. i could never find trust again. i could never love her in the same way. i guess the compulsion to call her is just the hope that MAYBE she'll betray some morsel of regret or compassion or decency - some validation, some HINT of the person i thought she was. okay. it felt good to rant.
PinkRibbon Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Wow realgone! Can I trade places with you? Working out and in great shape! New job AND moving to NYC. How cool is that!
marlena Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 You are doing well. Have a plan in place so when you think you are getting close to contacting you can turn to your alternative plan. My alternative plan was calling friends and posting on LS and remembering how unfairly he treated me. How I deserved so much better than the crumbs he was offering. I don't know the details of your break up but if you truly believe he is doing you more harm than good, then, stick to it. It gets easier around the two month mark and before you know it, you just don't give a damn. You feel stronger and in control. Keep it up.
ibitealil Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 just ranting, but... what drives me crazy is that, as far as i can tell, i'm doing everything right. i lift weights 4 times a week. box on wednesdays. (my body's looking amazing if i do say so myself). got a new job. moving out of the apartment in a week and a half. moving to nyc in 6 months. getting rid of a bunch of old stuff. seeing a psychologist. eating right. spending time with friends and family. etc, etc. but none of it really feels like living. everything is just a distraction from what i'm really doing, which is languishing, NOT calling her, feeling bad. i mean, some days it's cool. some days are okay. but invariably i come right back to this place where i'm at now, just... hurting, carrying around this weight from place to place. obsessing. anxious and depressed. i know when it's done i'll be stronger and better for all of it, but i just have no patience for it right now. i mean, i don't want her back. not actually. i couldn't even imagine being seen with her after this. i could never find trust again. i could never love her in the same way. i guess the compulsion to call her is just the hope that MAYBE she'll betray some morsel of regret or compassion or decency - some validation, some HINT of the person i thought she was. okay. it felt good to rant. I know what u mean cuz when i was breaking my NC i was doing that not because i wanted him back but cuz i wanted him to know how well i am doing without him...i wanted some feedback that he s still affected by me or news about me...but it didnt worth it really...made all the crap in my heart come back thats all...breaking NC does not change anything for better
dfreeman Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I know what u mean cuz when i was breaking my NC i was doing that not because i wanted him back but cuz i wanted him to know how well i am doing without him...i wanted some feedback that he s still affected by me or news about me...but it didnt worth it really...made all the crap in my heart come back thats all...breaking NC does not change anything for better I didn't seek out my latest break in NC (we had to sign some papers about the buyout of our house), but I did make the mistake of staying there longer to fix a computer problem for her and her daughter (I suspect that I did this to give her a longer look at my new buffed-out body???). Just like iba, I think I was just trying to show her how well I was doing without her - I look better, I have more bounce in my step and I am ten times happier than she has seen me in 6 months. My "wanting her back" factor had slipped from a solid 7 last week down to about a soft 2 by the time we had this meeting, so it didn't really send all my emotions crashing down on me. But, it did give me more time with her which led to an argument over verbiage in one of the documents which definitely did NOT change things for the better. Other than the fact that I got an unexpected 20-minute visit with her daughter, nothing good really came from converting a mandatory visit into personal contact time (unless you consider that I drove away more sincerely convinced that she and I should NEVER consider being a couple again)
Author realgone Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 24 days now, but it's still so difficult. worse than it's been in a long time. when does this get easier?
ibitealil Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Depends on how long was the relationship and how much u ve been hurt etc i guess...im seeing the light at the end of the tunnel just now after 6 months...be strong u can do it!
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