angie16 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 So my ex and I broke up about 6 months ago. I was on this site for a few months after. Either way we only fought when we talked for the first 2 months, then we were NC up until right before xmas. I was dating someone, it started to stale, and i started thinking about my ex again. + the holidays didn't help. in any case i got a new job offer and i called him right before xmas for his advice. we actually had 2 great phone conversations and he gave great advice. I totally broke up with the rebound guy i was dating after new years, and my ex and i would Instant Message about once or twice every week, very brief, just a hey. We haven't met up but it has progressed to now casual IM'ing during the week, to now texting. He sent me a text last week that just said "did you get this text?". and he also called twice about 5 days ago. Now here's the kicker. He hasn't asked to meet up, and i haven't heard from him in 5 days now in any form. We were together 2 years and broke up because i wanted to get married and he was still getting over his dad's death. (thats the simple way to put it). No one cheated, and i tried to leave a few times out of frustration of his lack of commuinication, but didn't. He eventually said he couldn't make me happy and deicded we should break up. Its been really painfull, I love him still dearly and miss him. any insight woudl be great. i just don't understand why he'd dissapear and reappear. I just want to know if he's even thinking of getting back together.
sedgwick Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I think that if he was thinking of getting back together, he'd have said that in no uncertain terms. He knows it's what you want. He's probably happy you've started to communicate on friendly terms and thinks you're okay with just being friends.
frd150 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Or... He's afraid,afraid that you have moved on and that since he broke up with you the chances are minimal that you would want to give him another chance. My Ex who left me has been doing this for months now with no change in our relationship status. I will not however go back to asking for another chance and niether should you. It needs to come from them.
Author angie16 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 yeah you're probably right. i still feel like he's feeling it all out. it was a very dramatic breakup, he wrote me many times right afterwards that he still loved me and would forever -- which is why we would fight when i would call and say why the hell aren't we together. I guess its just complicated because its not just trying again -- its understood that if we are back together, it means we're getting married. so its slightly bigger stakes. i don't want to jump back in right away either because i want this to be for good this time, i just want to let him come to that and not push, which is why i haven't brought it up when we chat.
s_n_d Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Time will tell. Like frd150 said, Dont tell him how you feel about him. Wait for HIM to tell YOU.
frd150 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 yeah you're probably right. i still feel like he's feeling it all out. it was a very dramatic breakup, he wrote me many times right afterwards that he still loved me and would forever -- which is why we would fight when i would call and say why the hell aren't we together. I guess its just complicated because its not just trying again -- its understood that if we are back together, it means we're getting married. so its slightly bigger stakes. i don't want to jump back in right away either because i want this to be for good this time, i just want to let him come to that and not push, which is why i haven't brought it up when we chat. My ex and I talked marrige alot but I think in the end she really did not know what that meant or how big forever really is.Before I understood this and after the break up I did nothing but profess my comitment to her if she came back. So I agree with what you said about getting back and getting married. I think different now ,we would be starting from square 1 with no expectations but how do you convince them of that? Like I said its best to just let them do their thing.
Joebo Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I'm not sure if this will help...but... I split up with my recent ex a few years back for a little longer than you two have been apart. We eventually got back together. It started in a similar way with the odd text message then IM's. Then it was a few phone calls and we both realised that it was what we wanted. Now every situation is different so I am not suggesting thats whats happening here. I'm just saying that things can happen that way. They did in my case. I think he'll tell you sooner or later if its what he wants. I did.
Author angie16 Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 (edited) well he IM'ed me as soon as i signed on at work this morning. we chatted for about 35 mins. my essential question would be, if he wasn't interested would he contact me at all? I mean he's the one that broke up with me and its been 6 months of us moving on. I just don't want to get my hopes up. I guess i will just try and keep it out of my mind and hope for the best. thanks guys. Edited February 20, 2008 by angie16
Author angie16 Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 I'm not sure if this will help...but... I split up with my recent ex a few years back for a little longer than you two have been apart. We eventually got back together. It started in a similar way with the odd text message then IM's. Then it was a few phone calls and we both realised that it was what we wanted. Now every situation is different so I am not suggesting thats whats happening here. I'm just saying that things can happen that way. They did in my case. I think he'll tell you sooner or later if its what he wants. I did. Hey Joe -- how long did the total progression from IM's to hanging out -- to getting back together take? I just wonder. Its been about 3 weeks, 2 weeks consistantly of just Im'ing / maybe a text here and there. We haven't seen each other since halloween.
Joebo Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Hey Angie, I was the dumper back then. The texting went on for several weeks as did the IMing. Its difficult to describe. We were sort of flirting by these means. Not open/obvious flirting really but more catching up with how each other was getting on. Sort of getting to know each other again. We just kind of took it easy until I said that I wanted us to reconcile. Maybe took a couple of months in total. I don't remember exactly. I don't want to get your hopes up Angie but thats how it happened for us. I'm kind of hoping it will happen again but I wasn't the dumper this time.. I hope it works out for you. Good luck!
Author angie16 Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Hey Angie, I was the dumper back then. The texting went on for several weeks as did the IMing. Its difficult to describe. We were sort of flirting by these means. Not open/obvious flirting really but more catching up with how each other was getting on. Sort of getting to know each other again. We just kind of took it easy until I said that I wanted us to reconcile. Maybe took a couple of months in total. I don't remember exactly. I don't want to get your hopes up Angie but thats how it happened for us. I'm kind of hoping it will happen again but I wasn't the dumper this time.. I hope it works out for you. Good luck! thanks joe, and same to you. he's the dumper, it was complicated (when isn't it). Im sure you can find my story from last year. ugh. In any case its huge that we're even communicating, I'm just impaitient because i do realize what i was doing wrong, what went wrong with us, and that i think we can fix it. {fingers crossed} I guess i just have to wait and see.
Author angie16 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 so i guess i was wrong. we haven't seen each other since 10/31. I told him a month ago that i wanted to get the rest of my books from our old apartment (he still lives there -- this was also before we started IMing etc.) He said ok but never brought it up again. So since we have been IM'ing so much i wrote and asked if he wanted to hang out "in the next couple of weeks". He did not respond to the IM. so a half hour later (just now) I wrote that i just want to meet up to get my books. He replied that he had them all sorted out and ready to go. So since his apartment building has a doorman, I offered to come by tomorrow and pick them up in the lobby (so we wouldn't have to see each other). He replied that he would bring them to my place. I told him he didn't have to but he insisted. WTF? Now we have to see each other and have the physical drama of him giving me the last remnants of us togehter? I just don't get it. maybe he's just being a nice person but i think that's more painfull. Clearly he ignored me when he thought i was asking to hang out, so why now when i give him a clear out of not having to see me does he insist on coming over himself? (we live 8 blocks away). help. I feel like its over.
Joebo Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Hey Angie, Thats not so good. This situation seems rather similar to my own in many ways. All this 'I dont want us to be together but lets be friends/civil about everything.' However, I would let him drop the books over. If you push too much to get them without having to see him then he's going to know that it will bother you seeing him. Don't give him that. So, here's what I would do, let him come over and drop off the books. Take the situation as it comes. Be confident, seem as happy as you can muster and just make general small talk. Do not bring up the relationship unless he does first. This is difficult to do, believe me, I know. Don't prolong the meeting either. If he sees that you seem to be just dealing with things and getting on with your life then thats the memory that he will take away post meeting. I am not suggesting this as a tactic to win him back. However, regardless of the long term outcome I'm sure that this will make you feel a lot better about yourself. When you plead/beg or ask what went wrong you just end up thinking later that you should never have said those things or allowed yourself to look that way. These are just my thoughts, I've behaved in this way (not too extreme but nonetheless not good) and I felt like crap afterwards. Do whatever feels right for you but I think you may feel better this way. Regardless, you deserve to be happy so keep the chin up and post here if you're feeling down. Take care, JB.
Author angie16 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 thanks jb. I think i am going to be as positive as possible and not show him how dissapointed I am that we aren't hanging out. sigh.
Author angie16 Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 he was here over an hour. we talked and talked and talked. i couldn't get rid of him. it was really a great meeting and we laughed and caught up the whole time. I even cut it short! he would probably still be here. :-) the ball is in his court but i think it was good to meet and reconnect seeing that we hadn't even been in the same room since october. phew. i was totally positive and happy and not wierd. there was no awkwardness at all. i hope we get together again soon!
frd150 Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Good for you Angie. Sounds like you did well and your right the ball is in his court so lets now see how he plays it. In the mean time keep your positive attitude. Not only does it benifit you it also will be more attractive to him...or someone else;). Good start:).
Author angie16 Posted February 26, 2008 Author Posted February 26, 2008 Good for you Angie. Sounds like you did well and your right the ball is in his court so lets now see how he plays it. In the mean time keep your positive attitude. Not only does it benifit you it also will be more attractive to him...or someone else;). Good start:). thanks fd. well its been 3 whole days and nothing from him. thoughts? i thought it went really well, no tension, no wierdness, just nice catching up... did i miss something? why has he dissapeared?
frd150 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Hey Angie, Well I can only speculate since Im in your shoes (sorta). My guess is that he is evaluating the situation. Believe me if he is human he went away with alot to think about, at least I would be and its not something that should be taken lightly. If I were him I would probably be reacting the same way. But again I have been more in your shoes, you know getting the calls and whatnot. Ok, Lets say my ex was to call me and all of a sudden want to get back together. I would be a little suspect as to why now all of a sudden shes changed her mind. I would have to ease into it. Again, balls in his court. Has he called you or contacted you in any way since? It sucks but unfortunately you cant control it. As said many times here "focus on yourself" or at least try to.
Author angie16 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Posted March 4, 2008 so its been a week and a half since we spent the afternoon together. after initially no contact from him, we IM'ed last thursday, friday and again yesterday. He is initiating all of these IM's and we do not talk about us, just surfacey stuff. I don't mean to make light, but its like, we haven't progressed to text or phone yet, but its obvious he is finding excuses to IM me (they are usually just links to different website). Is he still trying to figure out what he wants to do? Or am I being put in friend mode?
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