RitaJ Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I just found out about IMS Irritable Male Syndrom and I think my husband has it. We've been married 27years, we have three grown kids. I'm almost 45yrs old, god I hate to even write that, I' can't believe I'm getting that old! My husband is 46. In the past two years our relationship has gone downhill. We never go out on dates, we never talk, if we do we end up arguing, we never have sex, he falls asleep on the couch every night. Recently, I've discovered he gets up in the middle of the night and visits cyberporn websites and sits naked in front of the computer jacking himself off! No wonder, he never comes to bed anymore. We've only had sex three times this year, all in January. None in February. He's angry, hypersensitive, he drinks alcohol constantly, he works in our store from 8am-11pm, eats, and falls asleep on the couch. During the day, he never calls me unless its a money matter. I don't know what to do. He says we have no connection anymore, if I want a divorce, fine, he'll leave, I can have everything, because we don't have anything anymore. I want to save my marriage, I just want him to be normal, a nice loving husband. He will never go to counseling. What should I do? I put a block on the computer the other night, and sure enough he tried to look at porn websites 10 times and was blocked out. Even after I've told him how I feel about it, he still was sneaking around doing it anyways. Now he's pissed off that I blocked the computer, cause he'll never figure out how to unblock it. Our marriage is dead, what can I do to turn it around? Any one else going through this? I'm going to buy this book called the Irritable Male Syndrom and see if it helps. Has anyone read it? Help me please!
Mustang Sally Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Irritable Male Syndrome? Ha! Love it.... There are some reeeeeal entreprenuers our there, always looking to exploit at every corner.... How about this: Irritable Male (or Female, for that matter) Syndrome = MIDLIFE CRISIS from what you have described... And I mean that in the "MLC = dysthymia with marriage, spouse, job, life in general and reversion back to self-promoting behaviours with withdrawal from those closest to them" sort of way. Have you two communicated openly and honestly with each other about the issues that you each see that have led you to your "dead marriage"?
libertybelle Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Hey. I'm going through some similarities in my marriage. I posted on the marriage forum regarding my problem. Anyway, husband of 24 years has become withdrawn, irritable, remote. Physical intimacy has decreased dramatically. He has alot of anger, blame and resentment toward me and feels everything that is wrong in our relationship is our fault. I don't know about this male syndrome but midlife crisis yes. By the way, we've been to counseling and the couneslor told him to come back and work on his problems alone. Not much help here, but know you are not alone.
Enema Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 You put a block on his computer so he would stop looking at porn? IMO, the worst thing you could have done. This is only going to drive him further away from you.
lovelorcet Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 You put a block on his computer so he would stop looking at porn? IMO, the worst thing you could have done. This is only going to drive him further away from you. I have to agree! What were you thinking?!?!? I am sorry but this whole story sounds way too one sided here. How often do YOU initiate sex? Are there things that he is unhappy about as well?
carhill Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 why is this posted under infidelity? deja-vu? Seriously, sounds like a mortality thing. I got a wake up call a few years ago when my mom developed dementia (she's now in a nursing home for alzheimer's patients) and caring for her really took a toll on my marriage. We're in MC now. I looked at my mom and saw my death. It changed me. The OP and her husband got married very young. I did not, and life events still changed me drastically and more quickly than I could ever formerly believe. I believe that assistance from a competent psychologist could help them, just as it helped me (us). Any life-altering events in the OP's recent past? I think people here are saying the porn isn't the problem, it's just a symptom. By "blocking" it, the symptom just goes somewhere else and the problem remains. Hence the deja-vu
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 You need to sit down and put it all out on the line for him. Show him your emotions, tell him you love him and want your marriage to work, and you'll do everything possible to make the marriage good again. He is content with how life is now, no effort and everything is fine in his world. That isn't living it's depression...He is depressed or just bored in general. You two married for a reason, obviously at some point in time you two loved eachother. Try to recapture that again. If he is unwilling to try and keeps saying divorce, well, the choice is yours. Stay in the marriage and be unhappy roommates, or DO something about it, make your life a happy one. I hope he wakes up and realizes what he may lose.
MakeLemonade Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 He sounds depressed to me. How long has he been working 15 hours a day, nearly everyday I assume, at your store? Do you work there too? I would bet he is completely burned out, the alcohol sure isn't helping that and you seem to not be taking any sort of responsibility for any of this? Are you sure he is the only one to blame? The block on the computer is something you do for children, when it is your spouse, you sit down and talk about the issue and work it out, you don't punish him like he's a little boy being bad. Marriage counseling may help you two rediscover what is now missing, it sounds like you really don't spend much time together, and how could you when he is only home 8 or so hours a day, and sleeping most of that. It sounds like the love in your marriage is fading fast. If he won't go to counseling, you are going to have to try something else - a fad book isn't going to help much I wouldn't think. Ultimately my mind comes back to, he or both of you may suffer from depression, you say you don't have anything anymore, materially - have there been some hard times recently? This could also account for his drinking, trying to forget those kinds of things and contribute to feeling depressed at least. The porn is just an escape, a fantasy, and men have needs, if he doesn't have the energy, the time or the inclination to have it with you, he's gotta do something about it. Have you tried looking at it with him? Find out more about what he is looking at, what he likes these days? What his fantasies are? Maybe try to get him in the spirit with a little creativity of your own in the bedroom. It is sad, as your story just sounds like this is a love that is dying, it needs help, and if he can't do it, then it will be up to you to start the process, if you even want to, it may seem daunting, but it might be able to be done.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 He sounds depressed to me. How long has he been working 15 hours a day, nearly everyday I assume, at your store? Do you work there too? I would bet he is completely burned out, the alcohol sure isn't helping that and you seem to not be taking any sort of responsibility for any of this? Are you sure he is the only one to blame? Holy moly, who wouldn't be a wreck working 100+ hours a week? I'd assume you two built this house of cards together so time to sit down together and make some tough choices. First thing I'd do is hire a couple of more employees ... Mr. Lucky BTW - Irritable Male Syndrome? I can't wait for the Lifetime Channel movie!
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