jcdc Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I turn to the anonymity of the web for a place to confide as, besides a few of her close friends and her family, few know and I find myself uncertain who to talk to. A little background. Our first year or so was perfect. All that we needed could be found in one another. From the beginning, we were each other's compliment. Even as the initial spark began to fade, we grew together, even stronger, in ways I had never experienced in past relationships. I soon realized that this was the first person in my life that I had ever truly loved (outside of family) and that I would likely spend my life with. Mutual friends commented on having never seen her so happy and I couldn't have been happier myself. But changes in work and school started to bring about stress. From that point on, things changed. Our intimacy was affected, as were her mental and physical state. I saw changes happen right before my eyes. The stress caused her to lose sleep and a lose of sleep lead to increased irritability, which in turn lead to increased negativity. I soon after learned of her history of struggling with depression. The following months were the most difficult thing with which I have ever had to deal. I struggled to keep her afloat and one day after the next was an emotional roller coaster. She is still ridden with guilt. I realize many would have left, and I admittedly feel at times that it might have been easier if I had. But I didn't -- I made a decision then to stick it out. For a time I looked towards myself for a possible cause. I knew it unfair to even consider blaming myself, but I faced difficultly in understanding how she was once so very happy and now crying herself to sleep . My confusion lead to trying harder to lift her spirits and falling deeper as my efforts were met with failure. The continuous uncertainty in her emotional state gradually brought me to a point where I struggled with my own -- fatigue, lack of motivation at work, etc. I spent hours researching depression and whether it were in any way contagious, as I felt myself slipping and less able to be her support. It took much inward reflection to bring myself back to where I needed to be. We've reached a point of stability, through her therapy sessions and unfortunately small doses of medication. And, as I've mentioned to her, I'm happy about the progress. I have forgiven her as best as I can for what we went through and I want to move forward. But I question the many rough spots in our relationship and wonder if the future only holds more. I try to move beyond it, but I am afraid. I fear that something is shook at the core. Despite improvements in many regards, I feel as though my subconscious is at war with itself -- one side scarred by a fear of past events, the other side still deeply in love. It's so very difficult to have a conversation that expresses a need for her to change. And I realize that this will take some adjustments on my part, but in this case I can only give so much. In the past such talks have been met with resistance and so very often end in tears. I face a situation where my trying to make things better in the end only makes things worse. But I feel deep down that we need to work at this, as time is only making things more difficult. I don't even know what to ask of you. Perhaps I just needed an ear to listen. So thanks...
Ronni_W Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I fear that something is shook at the core. ..., I feel as though my subconscious is at war with itself -- one side scarred by a fear of past events, the other side still deeply in love. It's so very difficult to have a conversation that expresses a need for her to change. Just my perspective... As you have written it, it is YOUR shaken core and YOUR fear and YOUR inner conflict that has YOU concerned/anxious, and ambivalent about progressing the relationship forward. It's now about YOU taking the responsibility and time to do some personal growth work to clear/update (that is, change) YOUR OWN thoughts and beliefs about how things were, are and will be. Best of luck.
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