Is it too soon to want to know where this is going??

[Ebeleptik38]

Hey there, I'll try and and explain my situation as best as I can, I apologize if this turns out to be long...

 

I have been dating this girl since mid-December. We live about 45 minutes away from each other (I'm in San Jose, she's in San Francisco). She is a pediatric nurse and works graveyard hours (7p.m. - 7.a.m) and I work a normal schedule of M-F, 9-5. I only get to see her about once a week on weekends of course and maybe the occasional visit on weekdays if possible, but this is only if she doesn't have plans with her friends or going on vacations and what not. For the most part she's a lot busier than I am and it seems more so lately that I am making more of the effort to see her and what not.

 

The last time we hung out was on Valentine's day, in which case she came to my house for the first time ever (I had visited her place almost 6-7 occasions beforehand). I ended up having to pick her up, because she was so tired from the cruise and she had gotten back that day (I'm quite the gentlemen!) She had just got back from a week long cruise, this was hard for me because I missed her of course. I had written a thread earlier during this time about if I was acting or being too needy. I was kinda trippin', but I know that I don't ever go over the deep end when it comes to making phone calls, texts, or emails. I know things we're good because we had a really awesome Valentine's date. Dinner, flowers, candles...sex. It was good and I can tell she was still very genuine in her actions/ feelings toward me.

 

Here's the kicker...

 

When I don't see her, we're generally really good with talking on the phone, texting, and emailing. If I don't get to see her for a long period of time, I start worrying like a little bitch, and start questioning if she is losing interest in me. It's like my head plays games with me, and it drives me nuts. YES I REALLY LIKE HER A LOT. Probably not the best thing for me...but nonetheless I do live my own life and I know I'm not coming off clingy or needy.

 

However, she totally knows how I feel about her and it seems like lately either its all in my head, or I am putting more effort into this relationship. So I've really trying to take a step back lately and maybe cut down the little things....the sweet things, like calling her "babe" or "boo", "i miss you's" and what not's. Which we do equally with each other, you know...normal affectionate couple ****. Just to see how she reacts, I'm not one to play games...which I don't think this is, but more a test of her affection.

 

Anyhow last night she called me, we chatted a bit and I told her I would call her later before I went to bed. I called her later on and she was at a bar with a "guy friend" which kinda bugged me a little. I'm not a jealous guy and more than anything I know she was just out having fun on one or her measly days off. She asked if I was going to bed early, I said no and to call me later. Well she didn't and can you believe I had a hard time sleeping?!!! I texted her way later around 1:30 just to say "goodnite", and no response. i am reading into this way too much....why...omfg.

 

Anyhow....aside from all this....

 

I am terrified of asking where we stand, where this is going, are we dating exclusively? I don't want to come off insecure/ needy/ clingy at all because I know how unattractive that can be and a major killer for a new relationship. But am I being way too impatient? Should I just play i cool and wait even longer to see where it goes? Or am I wrong for wanting to know where this is going? Is it still too soon? Nonetheless these are all things I want to know, just don't know when a good time to bring it up. I have kind of already asked her before her cruise, she said she still liked me a lot but was just taking things slow. So i just leave it at that?

 

BTW After Valentine's day I felt so good, confident about "us", and not even 4 days later am back to being a worry some bitch. I always want to see her whenever its possible, and it bugs me when she has plans when we can be seeing each other. She is definitely independent and cherishes her time with her friends, I can totally respect that and I do. But I just wish she would go out of her way more often...am I asking for too much here?

I'm getting really good at playing it cool, but getting so sick of feeling like I am being neglected. Am I just a bitch? Is this just what I get for dealing with a long distance relationship?

 

HELP!!

 

Thanks for reading

[torranceshipman]

The only thing that really worries me about your post is that you keep calling yourself a bitch! Dude thats not good! :D:D

 

Seriously just ask her, say we've been dating a while, I want this to be exclusive, how do you feel...then she'll give you a straight up answer, yes or no, then you'll know! If she doesnt want to be exclusive by now she probably never will, so if her answer is no,I'd end it straight away before you get hurt any more.

 

I think your intuition might be telling you something is up...don't bust your ass trying not to look clingy or whatever-just be confident and be yourself-thats always best.

 

Good luck!

[torranceshipman]

ps personally I wouldnt do the speech and hand kissing thing...its sweet, but at the same time would be a big turn off to a lot of girls (it seems kinda wet)! - I would kinda be put off a guy if he did that...

[Ebeleptik38]

Yeah...you have a really good point, and I should be a little more confident. I just hate feeling vulnerable over a girl. It really isn't me, and thats why I keep bitchifying myself...haha I made that one up. Well I guess I'll go ahead and bit the bullet. I'll let you know how it goes. Oh and don't worry...I'm not gonna kiss her hand! hahahah

 

Thanks for the responses, and if anyone else feels like they have some good input I'd love to hear it. Thanks

[Star Gazer]

If she wasn't ready to be exclusive, could you handle it? Would you want to continue seeing her? If so, just let the relationship take it's course naturally.

 

If you need some level of commitment and cannot handle the thought of her dating others, you need to broach the subject sooner than later. Ask her where she thinks you two stand, what she wants. That way, you're not sounding needy or insecure, just curious about her intentions. From her response you'll know whether to tell her how you feel, or whether to back off.

[Ebeleptik38]

I would definately wait for this girl, and yes I would continue seeing her. I'm pretty sure that she isn't dating others, but then again i could be wrong. In the beginning we already said we we're only dating eachother, but maybe things could of changed...if that was the case, then I would definately know to end it. But for the most part I do feel like I'm in the dark about some things. I would hate to have the perception that things are going great, then find out otherwise. Especially after a great Valentine's day.

 

Thanks for your input stargazer

[Star Gazer]

I would definately wait for this girl, and yes I would continue seeing her. I'm pretty sure that she isn't dating others, but then again i could be wrong. In the beginning we already said we we're only dating eachother, but maybe things could of changed...if that was the case, then I would definately know to end it. But for the most part I do feel like I'm in the dark about some things. I would hate to have the perception that things are going great, then find out otherwise. Especially after a great Valentine's day.

 

Thanks for your input stargazer

 

I don't understand. You say you'd continue to date her if she wasn't ready to be exclusive, yet flip and say that if things have changed since the beginning and now she is dating others too that you would know to end it.

 

Help me out here...

[Ebeleptik38]

I guess I see where your coming from...seeing that if we never have had an agreement to date eachother exclusively, then why would it matter if she was only dating me back THEN, then all of the sudden is dating someone now. Is that how your looking at it?

 

Well the way I look at it, for how long we have been dating and for how intimate the relationship is already and considering we have had sex on more than a few occasions, I would probably take it personal if I found out that she was seeing someone else NOW. The reason being is that things are going really good with us, so I think, and if she was dating someone after we've been seeing eachother for the last 3 months, then I could only take it as that I am not the one she's looking for, so why still waste my time if she still needs to find another person..if supposedly things we're going so well.

 

Does that make sense??

[Star Gazer]

I understand, and I'd feel the same way. But not everyone else would.

 

You may have had a conversation VERY early on about the fact that you just-so-happen to not be seeing anyone else at that time, but the very next day she could have met someone else and have been dating you both since that time. Thing is, you never established any boundaries or that you were exclusive. You can't assume just because you've had X number of dates and you've been intimate that she automatically pledges commitment to you. To the contrary, she very well may think, "If he wanted me/cared enough, he'd man up and make sure that I'm only his. Until he does that, I'm keeping my options open." I'm very hypocritical in this regard because that's how I'd think myself, but at the same time expect the dude to not date anyone else.

 

Make sense?

 

This is why communication is soooooo important.

[AriaIncognito]

Plain and simple. Ask her where she stands. It sounds like she might not be looking for a relationship right now, else she has no idea how she's coming off with you when she doesn't make the effort you are making.

 

Personally, if I were dating someone, I'd make the time/find the time whatever, include you in on my things with friends, if that was all the time I had. I think she might not be on the same page you are.

 

Talk to her. That's the only way you're going to know. However I'd advise against waiting for her to be ready. If she isn't ready, date around. Waiting for someone is usually a waste of time.

[Ebeleptik38]

I like the way you think Stargazer...good stuff nontheless. Funny thing is that I myself have thought about keeping my options open, but I'm just really into her. When I like someone I usually just have room for one person. But it does sound nice to have other prospects, guess I just don't want that on my conscience because I feel that she really digs me, but like I said I can always be wrong. But all I can do is just go ahead and blow the whistle and find out. Thanks for listening/ reading and putting thins in perspective for me. If you want to add anything else please feel free

[AriaIncognito]

I feel that she really digs me

 

I think maybe you should read the book "He's just not that into you". I know it's geared towards women, but it could be helpful in this situation.

 

If someone is into you, they make time for you to see you. Maybe it's all a misunderstanding, and once you talk to her you'll find out if she's really into the relationship or not, but in the meantime, it never hurts to do a little light reading :-)

 

When you want someone so much, it's sometimes hard to see the big picture. Her not making time for you, and being disrespectful not calling back, are red flags to me. If I'm into you, I'm calling. I'm seeing you. I'm making plans for the next date.

[Ebeleptik38]

She usually is really good about telling me her plans and whats going on with her. She used to even try to book plans in advance due to her hectic schedule. Reading this makes me kinda weary now, I appreciate the reading suggestions but I think this would just make me dwell on the situation even harder and posting on here already is kinda bumming me out. Now I'm wondering if she just stuck it out for V-Day and made that the last stand. But would she really go out of her way to act so damn sweet? Is this something you ladies would do in a similar situation? I hope not.

[Star Gazer]

My now-Ex was the ONLY GUY I ever initiated "the talk" with. Under every other circumstance, I waited for the guy to bring it up. If he didn't, I just assumed he didn't want the same thing I did and moved on. I know it's putting the onus on the guy, but in general it's best if the guy leads.

 

You gotta grab this by the horns, man.

[tanbark813]

First and foremost I grew up in San Jo so w00t to that.

 

Secondly, the feeling-like-a-little-bitch thing isn't just about her. I'm guessing your self-worth isn't quite where it should be.

 

As far as your relationship, I don't think bringing up "the talk" at this point is jumping the gun. Your posts come across like you're letting her call all the shots as far as where things are going and you want to know if it's "okay" to talk about it. There is no "okay". If what you want is an exclusive relationship then you have every right to seek that out. Grab your sack and lay it on the line. "Look, this is what I want...." If she's not on the same page then either back off or end it entirely.

 

As for the "guy friend", if you've been dating for a couple months but she still wants to take it slow--which is kind of retarded in and of itself after having had sex--then her "guy friend" was probably a date. My money says she still wants to play the field.

 

And lastly, on a side note, it's annoying that people who live in SF seem to always expect people outside the city to come to them but will rarely make the trip outside the city.

[Ebeleptik38]

Yo... so check this sheeit out...I grabbed that **** by the mutha-fing horns today. I dont think I could of said what I wanted to better. So here's the scoop... I basically told her that I want to know where we're at, if we're on the same page, and that if we weren't that I dont want to waste my time or hers. Apparently, shes just stressed out from work and her busy schedule...she said I wasn't wasting my time and that she liked me very much. I told her that I wanted to date exclusively, and she said she wasn't dating anyone else but me. I also said that I wasn't trying to put pressure on her in any way what so ever, I just can't be the one making all the effort and selling myself short if the interest isn't there anymore. She said she felt like a jerk and that if I was going to move on that she understands. She said she wants to be my girlfriend and knows that she has been off-standish about her feelings and just didn't want to jump into another situation and be hurt again. I also found out that she had only been out of a 3 year relationship only 4 months ago NOW!! She told me 4 months previously to when I first met her...so I don't know why she switched that part up on me. It makes alot more sense now though. I told her that i like her enough to be patient just as long as I really wasn't wasting my time. So all in all it went well, and she really is a cool girl and I'm glad that I went ahead and just did it! So thanks for the advice guys, if I didn't get the input from you guys I think I would of just sat in the dark even longer and would of been miserable. Anyways she wants me to come up this Friday and go out to dinner and just chill at her pad....OF COURSE! LOL Your right TANBARK, these Frisconians are quite selfish about leaving "The City" but then again I don't mind going up there, alot goes on in the city unlike pathetic downtown SJ.

 

Oh BTW TANBARK, I guess you have a little point about where my self-worth isn't quite where it should be. When I'm single and on the prowl my confidence and self worth is sky-high, when I fall for a girl it can really be a roller-coaster. But whatever I'll work on that, I'm a complicated, sensitive, yet simple guy who is very aware of my faults and my strengths. But I'm really going to take pride in myself more and know that I truly am a good person and that I am definately a commidity when it comes to the ladies :) Go SAN JO!!!! and good looking out, I will soon wake up and piss excellence! Oh and I guess it wasn't a guy friend...it was a girl friend. yay?!

 

----HORNS GRABBED!!!!

 

Thanks again guys...feel free to respond again, would love to hear your 2-cents still.

 

-peace

[tanbark813]

Atta boy.

 

Oh and I guess it wasn't a guy friend...it was a girl friend. yay?!

 

Ahh, okay. Nevermind that part then, I misread.

[Star Gazer]

Sounds great!

[Ebeleptik38]

you guys are awesome! Thank you so much for lending your time and wisdom

[AriaIncognito]

Good for you! I'm glad you were able to be up front, and even better, it seems like she understood why you were getting the mixed signals. Hopefully now that she's aware, she'll be more respectful and come to you once in a while :-)

 

Good luck!

[Little Shy]

I'm glad that things worked out after your discussion, because from your initial thread it sounded like you just needed to talk, didn't sound like you were getting dissed to me.

A long time ago I used to work in the mental health field, and right now I still have friends that work in mental health. I also grew up with a mother that was a Registered Nurse.

It is impossible to explain how exhausted you are when you come home from that type of work physically & mentally! Being as your gal sounds like an independent woman, I think she is just trying to have a well balanced life around her hectic work, some time with friends, some times with relatively new guy she is dating.

I would agree with what Tanbark said about the SF commute thing. That commute phenomenon is common I think between a "big city dweller" dating a smaller town person...

I used to live in Santa Cruz, and commute to SF to see friends all the time. They ALWAYS want you to visit them under the presumption that , Hey! my cities a lot cooler with more things to do right? So of course you are gonna come here.

When in reality, you live where you live because you want to live there & like it right? So they should meet you somewhere in the middle so you can share time in both your surroundings that you are comfortable in.

I once dated a guy that lived a few towns over (I live in So Cal now) only about 25 minutes away, and he ALWAYS insisted we sped our time together at his pad, in his town because he loved it there.

Well, I loved my town too!

And I had a dog, so I had a dependent, so to speak, and he had no pets or children. Eventually I discussed with him, how spending 2 nights in a row with him as we were doing & so forth, put me in a pinch with my dog care (had to rely on roommate to watch him) and it became a real sore point, which actually played into the end of our relationship.

SO, maybe pay a bit of attention to that. That being, if she leans towards the selfish side a bit.

Anyhow, you don't sound like you are lacking in confidence to me. You actually sound like a really cool fellow. So if it doesn't work with your nursey poo, you can give me a holler sometime! J/K.

[Ebeleptik38]

I'm glad that things worked out after your discussion, because from your initial thread it sounded like you just needed to talk, didn't sound like you were getting dissed to me.

A long time ago I used to work in the mental health field, and right now I still have friends that work in mental health. I also grew up with a mother that was a Registered Nurse.

It is impossible to explain how exhausted you are when you come home from that type of work physically & mentally! Being as your gal sounds like an independent woman, I think she is just trying to have a well balanced life around her hectic work, some time with friends, some times with relatively new guy she is dating.

quote]

 

Wow...I think you nailed it, she actually said something like that! And yes is a very independant woman...I don't think you could of said it better. Also for the most part I really do try and take these things in consideration. So I think that and the fact that she just got out of a relationship not too long ago makes her alot more hesitant to jump into something new. I told her that I can have all the patience in the world, and if I have to date her for a year...I WILL. I just needed some kinda common ground so I know I'm not selling myself short. I have always been a single guy, only having relationships few and far between. I guess I'm just really picky, but when I find something good I know it and I get really excited.

 

BTW I thought I was crazy joining and posting on this site, but I am really glad I did...and everyone who has posted on my thread has been ****ing awesome!

Edited February 20, 2008 by Ebeleptik38
I dont know how to quote!! LOL

[Ebeleptik38]

Sorry Little Shy....I thought I knew how to quote...guess I dont. HAHAHA But thanks for that last little comment in your original post, it made me blush. hehehehhe Thanks for your input!!