LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Hi all. I am currently in NC with a guy I developed an emotional attachment to, (he CLAIMS he cares about me too) but he ended up marrying someone else last year after finding out she was pregnant. We have been friends for about three years. It's not easy.Everyday I WANTto contact him, but I find a reason why I shouldn't. It will not change what IS. So what's the point? I have heard from him a few times since doing NC, and got sucked in briefly but I know its him trying to maintain control over the situation. I realized as soon as it's me wanting to end things, he panicks, acts apologetic and regretful. He SAYS he doesn't want to lose me, but it's just words to me at this point. Nothing he says matters unless his actions bak it up and that is what is keeping things in perspective for me. We have never had a very long period of NC. Not a week has ever gone by that we have not talked, and I think he takes that for granted. I see other guys in here who have lost someone they care about and a common theme is they finally realized they might really lose her forever. I know ultimately the ball is in my court because I am in total control of myself, regardless of what he says or does...but I am wondering in the back of my mind if he will ever get to that point with me? When he said he cared about me and had hopes for a future with us....did he MEAN it or was he full of it? That is the things I think about, even if only for a fleeting moment. I know none of this matters, because he is married to someone else, and that was my reason for needing to end our 'friendship". I wanted more..and always did. Even before he married. I tried to be his "friend" but it was too much for me. So it's over for me. I am just "thinking out loud". But I wonder the same things everyone else does here: Will he miss me? Did he ever really care? Will he do what he needs to do to get me back? All I know is I will not settle for pretty words anymore. I am looking for the actions. Nothing else is good enough for me anymore.I just hope I am strong enough to see it through. I hope you all are too.... Thanks for listening.
EllaDerSpin Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Well done for doing NC. I think you are right, you need to move on from him, he married somebody else, and has a child with them. It doesnt matter if he misses you or not, because it is a relationship that just is never going to happen. You have physically freed yourself from this, now mentally and emotionally free yourself so that you can embrace the possibility of finding someone who is able to be with you, and love you.
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Thank you Ella. I agree with you. He has never been faced with the REAL possibility of losing me..even as a friend. But it doesn't matter.It's a consequence to his action thst he probably never thought about. And not that it matters, but he claims he does not want to be in this marriage but he did it because of the baby and he wanted to do the "right thing". I am also not satisfied with that answer anymore, because no one MADE him marry her. He did it by choice. Anyway....here's to one more day of NC.
ninjaturtles Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 He is not making things easier, he does not want to let go...I think thats selfish...He wants to eat his cake and have it. Have you, and also have his wife. Is he willing to let go of his wife? I guess not. Its good you realise that words are simply words...Actions speak louder than words..(CLICHE I know..lol). Its good you are in control over the situation and its very normal to wonder whether he misses you or not. I guess it makes us feel better, knowing that we are missed and thought about sometimes. My uncle, was dating his girlfriend for a while. He then left her and married someone else...I was having a chat with him over christmas and he was telling me about how much he missed his ex girlfriend. She is now married to his friend, but he was saying that this Ex would have been better off with him..lol.. (I was thinking..'you left her'!!). He does love his current wife, but he misses his Ex a lot and thinks a lot about her...and he said to me...'I really loved her'.I wondered why he left her!! I think that he misses you, but he may think he has a hold on you. You asked if he will realise certain things? Well, he would never realise what he had until it has actually gone! I think you should stick to NC..It must be so hard but he has a wife and a child...You have nothing...Its best for you to try as much possible to get on with your life...as you have been doing. Keep it up and keep posting....xxx
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Thanks Ninja...you make a lot of sense, and your words are very comforting. I would never expect him to leave his wife for me.In fact I would never be with him if he did that. His marriage is his business.I knew him long before he married, and she was someone he dated soon after his first divorce.They had a rocky relatiionship before she got pregnant, and even HE has said he knows it won't last a long time. We have had countless arguments over this, because he knows it hurt me. I am just going to try to move forward one day at a time as best I can. It's all I can do at this point.
Meaplus3 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Hi all. I am currently in NC with a guy I developed an emotional attachment to, (he CLAIMS he cares about me too) but he ended up marrying someone else last year after finding out she was pregnant. We have been friends for about three years. It's not easy.Everyday I WANTto contact him, but I find a reason why I shouldn't. It will not change what IS. So what's the point? I have heard from him a few times since doing NC, and got sucked in briefly but I know its him trying to maintain control over the situation. I realized as soon as it's me wanting to end things, he panicks, acts apologetic and regretful. He SAYS he doesn't want to lose me, but it's just words to me at this point. Nothing he says matters unless his actions bak it up and that is what is keeping things in perspective for me. We have never had a very long period of NC. Not a week has ever gone by that we have not talked, and I think he takes that for granted. I see other guys in here who have lost someone they care about and a common theme is they finally realized they might really lose her forever. I know ultimately the ball is in my court because I am in total control of myself, regardless of what he says or does...but I am wondering in the back of my mind if he will ever get to that point with me? When he said he cared about me and had hopes for a future with us....did he MEAN it or was he full of it? That is the things I think about, even if only for a fleeting moment. I know none of this matters, because he is married to someone else, and that was my reason for needing to end our 'friendship". I wanted more..and always did. Even before he married. I tried to be his "friend" but it was too much for me. So it's over for me. I am just "thinking out loud". But I wonder the same things everyone else does here: Will he miss me? Did he ever really care? Will he do what he needs to do to get me back? All I know is I will not settle for pretty words anymore. I am looking for the actions. Nothing else is good enough for me anymore.I just hope I am strong enough to see it through. I hope you all are too.... Thanks for listening. Good for you with sticking to NC..You are right about looking for action's they do speak so much louder than word's! Stay strong you can do this! Hug's. AP:)
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Thanks AP.....I know you posted on my thread in OM/OW ..I appreciate your support!!! I'm hanging in there!!
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) I am doing ok today. It's beautiful out, but for some reason I am not up to going out.I am in a bit of a slump right now.I know it will pass...but still, I hate being like this. I had wrote an email to X with a long thought out response to an email he sent me. A four line email. Then I realized the absurdity.The truth is, I was saying the same things I have always said...just in a more rational, logical manner..not over emotional with expletives. So I deleted the whole thing. Nothing I say is going to change a thing....all I am doing is wasting my keystrokes on him. It helps posting here though. And reading everyone elses posts. I truly have learned a lot from others experiences in just a short time. I have learned that sometimes we just don't always get what we want, no matter how bad we hope for it. And I have learned how to maintain my dignity in an undignified situation. Yes, I have learned all that from coming to this forum..from complete strangers. I wish I could hug everyone who has helped me or taken the time to read my silly, or sometimes pathetic posts. I only hope each day it gets easier..for ALL of us. My only goal right now is to be able to look back and be happy with the way I conducted myself in a situation that has pushed me to the limit emotionally. I think I'll be ok for today.. Edited February 19, 2008 by LOVE DAISIES
EllaDerSpin Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I agree he is trying to keep you around. Actions do speak louder than words, but sometimes people speak so much that it keeps your attention. The longer you do nc the more clearly you will be able to see his actions without his words confusing you.
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Exactly Ella. I was thinking the same. Not only that but it will force him to TAKE action ..or not. Either way, I will get my answer. I know this might turn into a 20 page thread...but at the very least, it helps, and maybe I can help someone in a similar situation.
dfreeman Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 And I have learned how to maintain my dignity in an undignified situation. Yes, I have learned all that from coming to this forum..from complete strangers. I wish I could hug everyone who has helped me or taken the time to read my silly, or sometimes pathetic posts. I only hope each day it gets easier..for ALL of us. My only goal right now is to be able to look back and be happy with the way I conducted myself in a situation that has pushed me to the limit emotionally. Well, if it helps you be okay for today, just know that this post made someone feel absolutely awesome when they came on LS today looking for answers. Although I didn't stop to pat myself on the back at the time, I too just maintained my dignity in an undignified situation with my ex. It was our basic forced contact turned into a slightly heated discussion (I had to go back to my old house to sign some papers and transfer some bills over to her and an argument ensued). In the middle of it, I took a step back, realized this was just her angry and controlling ways kicking in, and immediately pulled back to a reasonable but calm position and defused the pending explosion. I was even man enough to apologize for my part of the argument where I treated her unfairly and just left on my own terms. If it weren't for the help I have gotten on LS, I would have handled this entire situation the way I used to when we were together. I would have just gotten into a shouting match with her (within earshot of her daughter) and left the house feeling like one of the last contacts I had with her was one that I had to go back and fix (thus causing future unforced personal contact). Your goal of looking back and being happy with the way you conducted yourself is a very powerful and obtainable one. I was so confused as I drove away from the house today - why did I feel so damn good after leaving a situation that would have normally been excruciatingly painful? I felt good because of all the great people on LS have been teaching me to look at myself now ... NOT HER! I think that I am getting closer to indifference and apathy towards her and it felt pretty damn good today.
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Well, if it helps you be okay for today, just know that this post made someone feel absolutely awesome when they came on LS today looking for answers. Although I didn't stop to pat myself on the back at the time, I too just maintained my dignity in an undignified situation with my ex. It was our basic forced contact turned into a slightly heated discussion (I had to go back to my old house to sign some papers and transfer some bills over to her and an argument ensued). In the middle of it, I took a step back, realized this was just her angry and controlling ways kicking in, and immediately pulled back to a reasonable but calm position and defused the pending explosion. I was even man enough to apologize for my part of the argument where I treated her unfairly and just left on my own terms. If it weren't for the help I have gotten on LS, I would have handled this entire situation the way I used to when we were together. I would have just gotten into a shouting match with her (within earshot of her daughter) and left the house feeling like one of the last contacts I had with her was one that I had to go back and fix (thus causing future unforced personal contact). Your goal of looking back and being happy with the way you conducted yourself is a very powerful and obtainable one. I was so confused as I drove away from the house today - why did I feel so damn good after leaving a situation that would have normally been excruciatingly painful? I felt good because of all the great people on LS have been teaching me to look at myself now ... NOT HER! I think that I am getting closer to indifference and apathy towards her and it felt pretty damn good today. Awww Dfree that made my day!!!! Thanks sweetie!!! I am so glad I made a difference for someone today!!! And kudos on how you handled the situation. You should feel proud!!
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 Ok...I'm doing good (I think). X emails me last night. Here's his pathetic attempt to try to make himself not look bad : Him: I won't bother you.....I offer all I have.....but it's not enough. I understand. I'm sorry you feel the time has been a waste. In my world, special people in your life....is never a waste. If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. I understand that is not enough, but it's all I have. Hope you feel better!!! So I responded: Why do you send me these emails?? To remind me that you can't offer me anything? I already KNOW that. I don't ever ask you for anything...THAT'S the sad part. You can't give me what I want...fine. I also don't have to accept what you DO offer me. The only reason I haven't walked away and never looked back is because I believed you ' when you said you were in a place you didn't want to be. That is just hard for me to believe anymore...and anyone in my position would think the same. You said you have given all you can...well so have I. I have nothing left to give to this situation. So in that I guess we are even. His response to that: Wow.... [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] So much for trying to be nice. I hope you feel better. You've made yourself very clear. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT] [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I didn't bother responding to that, so a few hours later he sends:[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]In the subject line: YOU HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU...[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] Open the email and it says:" I'm one of them, like it or not"...[/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT] So I write back: I cared about you too..(note past tense) This morning I wake up, check email.. Him: If that's the case I wish you'd stop trying to throw me out!!" Huh??? So I mailed this a bit ago....then I am done: First of all, I am not "throwing you out". Everytime I try to end this you do this. Why? I think it's selfish on your part. You can't give me what I want or need but you want me to stick around and continue giving YOU what you want. It doesn't work that way. Sorry. Maybe it's my fault because I have not been consistent enough. I admit that....but only because I thought things would change. If this were a REAL relationship and you weren't giving me what I needed I would stop seeing you.I wouldn't continue to see you everyday. It makes no sense.So the same applies here. You have a whole relationship with someone else and I am not going to continue this. Yes, I care about you...but it doesn't change anything. Sorry. [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Anyway...that's it for now..LOL:) [/FONT]
openingup Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 So proud of you, LD ! I think you've confirmed the breakup in the most self-preserving way you could. I give you a world of credit for sticking to your guns. It's so easy to consider slipping back into old patterns when someone you're trying to have NC with isn't respecting that. From experience, though, I think you're going to feel off-balance all day today. It's hard not to second-guess what we write or say, so just know that as an objective reader, I think your messages were great. Give yourself a pat . . .
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 Thanks OU...I appreciate that. Actually, I decided to UNsend my resonse to him this morning. I know all it will do is result in a back and forth dialogue that I don't need.It is what keeps me stuck. So if I don't participate then it will just be easier. I'm hanging in there...and heading to work!!
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