Have I blown it?

[norby117]

Hi,

 

I met a guy about a month ago at a friends party, (having split up with my ex 7 months ago I wasn't on the lookout for someone new, I didn't think I was ready). But I had known this guy quite well as we worked together 7 years ago, there was always chemistry. I hadn't seen him for years, but as soon as I saw him, the chemistry was electric. We ended up kissing like teenagers all night and he came back to mine. We did nothing more than kiss! I was shocked that he still had my number in his phone, I didn't have his so he called my phone so I had his number again.

 

For 3 weeks it was great, calls every 3 days or so and we met up a couple of times. We were honest about how wary and nervous we were of getting into a relationship, but he told me I was his girl and kept telling me how georgeous I was. It scared me when he took on the "typical" girl role asking me where it was going, I said we should have fun and enjoy it, that I was "serious" about us but needed to take it slowly. Also when he said I had great eyes and I told him he did too, he said "if we ever have kids they'd have great eyes" - It was lovely to hear but made me nervous. He suggested we get ourselves "tested" as he hates condoms, I also agreed to go back on "the pill". It was going great.

 

Anyway, one Saturday night a couple of weeks ago, he called me at 2am and asked me to come over - I was a bit drunk, I warned him, but he said come over anyway, so I did. We had a great night, kissing like teenagers again. At some point I got a bit insecure and said that I shouldn't have come over and should go - it felt so totally out of character for me to jump into a taxi and go over to someone's that late at night and it felt so fast! Anyway I stayed and we carried on kissing. The next morning things felt a bit odd, especially when I said was he pleased that I had come over and he replied "don't start that again"! I went home and later that day I text to say sorry I'd been a bit drunk and got insecure, but had had a great night. He replied thanking me for a great night too, and insecurities were meant to come out and it was "all sweet".

 

Didn't hear anything for a few days and my insecurities started showing, I stupidly called him late one night, he answered but was obviously asleep! I text him the next day to apologise for waking him and he replied that he was working really hard, getting up at 6am but would call soon x. The following Sunday I got a missed call with no message, I called him back but it went to answerphone so I didn't leave a message. I text him later on to say I was sorry I missed his call and hoped he was having a good weekend - No reply!

 

I text him last week to say Hi, that I knew he was working hard and sorry if I'd acted crazy. I also let him know that I was in a very different place to that "drunk" night and I had had an odd few days, that I hoped he'd forgive me. - No reply!

 

A lot has happened to me since I last saw him, hence the last text I sent him! I bumped into my ex, the first contact ever since we split and I got closure - I was so burnt by the ex, we were together for 6 years and he left without a word, leaving all his belongings in my flat - 2 wks after he left I heard he was on holiday with a new girl! But bumping into the ex and hearing the lies he told me I knew I was completely over him and I could only think of the new guy. I guess that's why I text the new guy, as I knew I wanted him!

 

I know he is working very hard at the moment, 6am-11pm (I have friends who know him and work with him), but what annoys me is that I have got all stupid over it. For the first few weeks I let him do all the running and I know he was as into me as I was him, even though we were both insecure! Seeing my ex made me realise how much I have moved on and that I do want a relationship with the new guy - but I feel I have blown it by texting him twice with no reply (The texts were over the space on 10 days). I don't believe in "playing games", so I guess I just wanted him to know I like him.

 

I ordered a DVD for him for Valentines day- it still hasn't arrived, but when it does I have every intention of sending it to him with a little note saying how much fun I have had and sorry for being a bit insecure and I hope he will contact me when he is less busy.

 

So what do I do now? Have I blown it with him? I have no intention of calling him, just sending him the DVD. Is he really not into me or just busy? I feel stupid as I was playing it so calmly, but now I feel like I have pushed him away by texting and maybe appearing to be a bit bunny boilerish!

 

Advice would be greatly appreciated, Thanks,

[starlite]

Norby, STOP APOLOGIZING TO HIM!!!! He is very obviously backing off. I am not saying he is done with you, but stop contacting him. You have done more than enough and it is now his turn.

 

Keep busy. Stay away from your phone. DO NOT SEND HIM A DVD!!!!! It seems he is already a bit put off and you are banging the nail into the coffin.

 

A relationship after a break up is really tough. If it fails, you will find yourself more upset, i have been there. You get more needy etc.

 

My advice like i said before (and please take it) keep your dignity, stop contact, let him call you (and you can absolutely answer when he does call), stop apologizing, sound upbeat...etc. Guys dont like needy and insecure, not an attractive combination. And the beginning of something is the time to be happy, not already obsessive.

 

I wish you luck, I know it is hard. Dont mail him anything, dont call him. When he wants to call you he WILL call you!

[Jilly Bean]

I don't think you did anything wrong here. Besides not pacing him better, perhaps.

 

I get the feeling that he backed off when you came over in the middle of the night for a booty call and he didn't get any booty. I just get the vibe that he's looking for something more physical and since that hasn't materialized, he's lost interest.

 

I'd stop pursuing him entirely. If he comes around, he knows how to find you.

[shockandawed]

Norby,

 

How can you feel stalkerish here? This guy is playing mind games with you and it's working.

 

My opinion is there is chemistry there, but nothing more. He called you at 2AM because he was horny. Congrats on being the booty call. Not trying to be mean but I am kind of hoping to slap a little sense into you.

 

He likes making out with you. He has done nothing to indicate he wants to date you. 2AM booty calls are not dates. He is so busy he can't even type a simple text reply or call you for a few minutes? Give me a break. I am busy, but I can find time to pound out a couple of paragraphs to help a stranger. Surely, he could give a simple reply to someone he supposedly cares about.

 

He said all those nice things to you to simply get you on his chain. Now that he has you there, he can go on about his life, pulling you in whenever he feels froggy for some spit swapping.

 

And you are left feeling stalkerish for intruding on his busy life with a simple text.

[norby117]

Thanks to you both, I don't think I've done anything wrong, I don't think two texts over 10 days is too much. I know how wary he was about a relationship, but he was genuine about being into me, I know that. I won't contact him again, as I said he is really V busy - so I'm hoping he's being a typical bloke.

 

As for not giving him booty - that night it did get very physical - not just kissing - I just didn't give it all up if you know what I mean!

[norby117]

Thanks shockandawed but we did have a couple of dates, not just late night meetings and he did say he wanted me to be his girl. However I understand exactly what you are saying.

 

NC here I come

[shockandawed]

Sorry Norby, I did miss that part about the dates. But I still stand by my belief that he was just wooing you onto the line for occasional fun. Maybe not intentionally, but that is what happened. The chase is much more exciting to him than the catch. There is no excuse for the ignoring other than he is rude and self centered. I don't ignore anyone, even people I have no interest of ever going out with.

 

Look at it this way, he probably was put in your life simply to illustrate to you that you are in fact over your ex and that you are capable of loving again. Congrats on your experience with the ex. I had a similar one with my ex-fiance and know how liberating that feeling can be.

 

Relish on your accomplishment there and use it to remind yourself you don't need to put up with crap from any guy.

[norby117]

I don't think I was needy or obsessive and he was being honest with me when he said he was wary of a relationship. I think, by calling and texting late at night, when he's been so busy I scared him.

 

As I said, I friends of mine know him and he is not the love them and leave them kind, he has long relationships and does not sleep around! I can honestly say I think he genuinely wanted to see me and I don't feel it was anything to do with the chase.

 

I've been in a few relationships in my life, and I have to say that I have always been treated like crap, i've also had short-term flings and if I'm honest this guy did not make me feel like this was like that! In fact it was the best beginning of a "relationship" I have ever had. Both playing it cool, not rushing in and honest.

 

I know he is out of order not contacting me, but I do genuinely know he is flat out busy! I won't call him again, but really hope I will hear from him again, do you think I will? Could it really not be a case of cold feet and also bogged down with work?

[Jilly Bean]

I think you're trying to make a lot of excuses for him AND you're trying to blame yourself for this. Neither are the right thing to do.

 

Just let it go. I would walk away from it entirely and completely. Even if he was to contact you again down the road, I would still have nothing to do with someone who treats you with so little regard.