themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 What is everybodys feeling on the opposite sex having multiple opposiye sex friends. Many of them being exes that still pursue them. one of them being someone they share mutual friends with.
pinkfuzz Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I would be completely unhappy if my boyfriend was still in touch with his exes especially if they wanted him back. I would feel it as disrespectful to me. I would also wonder why he wanted them around what he was getting from a relationship with them.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 ok pink fuzz what if that person should say to you, you being controlling, your being insecure, he/she was honest with you about them coming after them. but yes why the constant interaction? what would they be getting out of such relationships?
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Freinds of the opposite sex, no problem. Ex's who want you back...big problem. What a way to start a relationship, insecurity and jealousy. You cant be like "Hey new gf, this is my friend. She is also my ex and desperate to have me back, therefore when we hang out without you she is likely trying to throw herself at me and steal me away." At that point, your ex is not your friend.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 OK starlight so how would you handle the siyuation? what if they say, you don't trust me? i spend most of my time with you. are u insecure? tell me why these are unhealthy relationships for him/her to have. I feel like there are certain situations u just don't put yourself in. well what if they are friends with the same friends?
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I would say "yes, this situation does make me insecure." It isnt a friendship. This person wants there ex back, and you are now intertwined in a love triangle. It wont ever be a comfortable situation as long as that ex is in the picture. I would say "I am sorry. I dont mind you being friends with members of the opposite sex, but to be hanging with someone who clearly wants you back and most likely disrespecting me and our relationship is just too uncomfortable for me."
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 some people have a funny way of making you feel wrong for feeling wrong about it.
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 . well what if they are friends with the same friends? Then I would hope that my SO would limit the time they spect together. I would also hope these mutual friends would understand when I said "Listen, I am trying to start a new relationship and hanging with ___ all the time is very uncomfortable for my new SO." Friends should understand. It is not like this person is just an ex and that is that...this ex wants you back (or your gf whatever).
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 some people have a funny way of making you feel wrong for feeling wrong about it. I mean I can see that. Especially if your new SO is telling you they are truly over the ex...but regardless, if it makes you uncomfortable they should take it into serious consideration what is more important.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 the if the ex wants her back fine. but he seems to have a way to get a rise out of her. i feel like if that is so then she still has feelings for him. well we all have feelings for our exes don't we? so its natural. but it doesn't seem to be conducent to a relationship with me? so what do i do? ask her top not hang out with him? keep a distance? do i have that right?
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 the if the ex wants her back fine. but he seems to have a way to get a rise out of her. i feel like if that is so then she still has feelings for him. well we all have feelings for our exes don't we? so its natural. but it doesn't seem to be conducent to a relationship with me? so what do i do? ask her top not hang out with him? keep a distance? do i have that right? I dont think it is about having a right or not. If it makes you uncofortable tell her, say you dont like it and you dont know if a relationship will work with all these ex's waiting for you two to break it off. If she doesnt ditch the ex for you, then that is all you need to know. Move on and find someone else.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 would you be uncomfortable with it?
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Not if i liked the guy I was dating enough. If I had an ex who was playing with my emotions and someone new and wonderful wanted to be with me, I would tell my ex "Sorry, but I have met someone and I wont let you ruin it...maybe I will see you around." BUT!!!! If I wasnt sure about the new guy, I may just 'need' to keep my ex in the wings just in case he changed his mind.
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 and if i felt it is what i needed to make the relationship a healthy one, then no, i would not be uncomfortable asking for it...and walking away if those needs could not be met.
shockandawed Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 You would be insecure if you told your new SO that you didn't want them being friends with anyone of the opposite sex. You are not being insecure in questioning them being involved with an ex who they still have some type of emotional involvement with. The question is what are you comfortable.with? If you are uncomfortable with it, ( and I know I would be) then are you willing and able to have a relationship with this person? If they are unsympathetic to your concerns, then I see it as a red flag that there are still serious emotions in play with the ex. Chances are that this will be a constant presence during the relationship. I would suggest finding someone who is free of the heart and without the ex baggage.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 OK starlight expand on the if your not sure about the new guy stuff. when should i expect her to be sure? how could she ever be sure with me and him playing tug of war? and i don't quite understand your last coment
Lizzie60 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 What is everybodys feeling on the opposite sex having multiple opposiye sex friends. Many of them being exes that still pursue them. one of them being someone they share mutual friends with. I would say it's none of our business.. it's her/his life.. as long as both partners are consenting adults..
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 OK starlight expand on the if your not sure about the new guy stuff. when should i expect her to be sure? how could she ever be sure with me and him playing tug of war? and i don't quite understand your last coment Well, basically, if i was over my ex OR I was really ready to move on from my ex and I started seeing someone new that I could see myself going somewhere with, I would have no problem telling my ex to take a hike and that I have had enough. In your situation to behonest, she doesnt sound all that ready. But I could be wrong. Maybe just tell her to make a decision and then give her time. And if she cries that tell her that the solution is quite easy if she is sure she wants to be with you. And my last comment was flipping the situation...If I were in your shoes, I would have no problem telling my SO that I was uncomfortable with the situation. And if my SO said "Well, I cant let go of my ex, they are my friend etc etc etc..." I would say "Then it is time for me to walk away."
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 and how would you describe consenting adults?
Lizzie60 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 and how would you describe consenting adults? well it's self explanatory.. consenting.. meaning no one is forcing them..
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 starlight but what about when she says they have the same friends? lizzie are you french? maybe a swinger?
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 starlight but what about when she says they have the same friends? Then (in my opinion) she should limit time she spends with them with him at the same time, or if she is around them with him...you come along as well. I know that my friends would be very understanding of this if i wanted to be with someone new.
Lizzie60 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 starlight but what about when she says they have the same friends? lizzie are you french? maybe a swinger? Yes I'm French and no, I'm not a swinger..
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) I knew it was one of the two. I understand what you mean by consenting adults now. good luck Edited February 19, 2008 by themessenger
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