Sheclectica Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) I think this was too long. Short version: 1) I've been friends with "Carl" for two years. He's had a girlfriend since August. He was interested in me in the past but didn't think I was interested back because I'm really bad at showing interest (my assessment, not his). 2) He has cheated on his girlfriend with a friend of mine. He felt really bad about it, but got together with her again because he and his girlfriend weren't doing so well. 3) He told that same friend that he "doesn't know how much longer they're going to be together." 4) He still seems to be pretty affectionate towards his girlfriend. It's really off and on. 5) He asked if I wanted to get together sometime soon about a week ago. He used the word "date." 6) He never talks about his gf directly to people unless they ask about her. She just doesn't come up in conversation. 7) He's 22, she's 17. Now, I realize that: 1) He's obviously cheated in the past. 2) He's inconstant. 3) Despite this, I love him. We connect really well and I care about him enormously. I would be more than willing to give this a try. (Don't worry, I don't want to break them up, see below.) My questions: 1) Does it sound like they're going to break up anytime soon? I don't want to break them up. That would be unfair to my friend, unfair to his girlfriend, and, in the long run, probably unfair to me. But if it sounds to anyone like they're going to break up, I want to be ready to be there. 2) Until then/if not... how do I get him out of my head?! I can't stop thinking about him, I keep overanalyzing everything I say and do... it's horrible. I need to move on, especially if he's not going to leave his girlfriend anytime soon. *sigh* Help. Edited February 19, 2008 by Sheclectica
malaclypse Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 It's very simple. Either you will suffer for a short time now and get over him, or you will get together and you will suffer for a long time later when he starts cheating on you too. Since even if he leaves her, it's unlikely he will change..
Author Sheclectica Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 I think you're absolutely right. I guess I knew that already, I just like him too much to see what's in front of my eyes. But... HOW do I get over him? I tried and thought I was doing pretty good for several months, and then we started talking more and I'm just as into him as I ever was. It's like this horrible drug I'm stuck on. How do you get the idea into your head that someone isn't good for you... and then stick to it? I don't want this to become a pattern...
Owl Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 How do you get him out of your head? First off, convince yourself of what you already know...he's not available. Second, stop spending time with him. Third, whenever you start to let your mind "drift" over to thinking about him, consciously and intentionally think about something else. (change the channel) Fourth, start focusing your time and efforts on something else. Get back into an old hobby...start a new one. Start working out so you're exhausted at night and too tired to stay away thinking about the "what ifs".
malaclypse Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 But... HOW do I get over him? I tried and thought I was doing pretty good for several months, and then we started talking more and I'm just as into him as I ever was. It's like this horrible drug I'm stuck on. How do you get the idea into your head that someone isn't good for you... and then stick to it? I don't want this to become a pattern... I agree with Owl, the first step is to reduce or stop any contact with him. Then.. well, in my experience, trying to stop thinking of someone will only lead to the opposite effect, so... best not to try to suppress any feelings or your desire, but whenever you think of him, force yourself to also think about the bad parts, about cheating and pain, and maybe "he's great, but it's not meant to be" or so... The only thing that really helps is time...and what Owl said
Author Sheclectica Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 *sigh* I was afraid of that. Thanks for the advice. Wish me luck...
carhill Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Yup, NC and spend time posting/reading here. Works like a charm for me. I get so wrapped up in other folk's drama that I forget all about my own Good luck!
D-Lish Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Something to think about is that a guy who is cheating on his current gf WILL cheat on you if you get together with him. Despite your feelings for him, he just doesn't sound like a solid guy. He has a gf, has cheated with another one of your friends, continues to see his gf but is now asking you out on a date. I think if you look at this rationally, you'll realize that getting involved with him would be a bad decision on your part- one that would inevitably lead to heart break. What would you tell someone you cared about if they came to you for advice in the same situation? That's a good way to gain some perspective. Firstly, being 22- he's pretty immature. Secondly, the way he treats his gf speaks volumes about his character. If you get involved, he's only going to bring down a world of hurt on you. Look- he claims to like his gf.... I'm sure he'll claim to like you too.... but her cheats on her, and even if he broke up with her and asked you to be his gf.... he'd do the same to you. Knowing he's a cheater- you'd be entering into a relationship with the insecurity that he would cheat on you. ANd he probably would. Guys like that are best to stay away from. Sure, you have a crush on him, but imagine how those feelings would be magnified if you got physical. He'd be even harder to shake from your brain.... As much as you like him, I think it would be a bad choice to allow yourself to get involved with him. He's making his way around your circle of friends and he has a gf. That's not indicative of a stand up guy you could ever trust. The only way to get him out of your brain is to stop having contact with him. I think you know at the bottom of your heart that he would be the kind of guy that would break your heart. If you can recognize that now, you can stop and take a step back before getting deeper involved. I've made a life of willingly walking into bad choices lately- and all of them have ended up bringing hurt upon myself. I don't want to see you do that to yourself.
Author Sheclectica Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Wow. That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Eerily-exactly. Thank you so much.
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I think you had already come to that conclusion on your own and just needed some outside perspective. Sexual chemistry can fool us into being fools. It's happened to the best of us.
Author Sheclectica Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 You just phrased it all better than I could. It's funny how finding the right words can crystallize thoughts. And so, so true...
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Ahh, the perspective comes with age and making copious amounts of mistakes along the way. lol.
mopar crazy Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Wow, this sounds almost exactly what I went through as a late teen, my OW days. Coming from someone who has BTDT don't go there! It will tear your heart apart. I know you may want to find out for yourself but from my experience in this type of situation you will get hurt.
Author Sheclectica Posted February 26, 2008 Author Posted February 26, 2008 Thanks for all the support... it's helping.
ahotmess Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 I agree with Mopar....you will get hurt. I've been on this forum for years....it helped me through the good and the bad. And yes, there are a few stories where the MM/OW thing has worked. There are sooo many more where it hasn't. I wish that I had never gone down that road. I believe that Socrates said "The hottest love has the coldest ending". Truer words were never spoken. Good Luck!
Recommended Posts