Breakup after nearly 5 years...

[paladin1]

Found this forum when browsing, and felt I had to get some advice. I'm 33, girlfriend of 5 years 28. We actually broke up initially at the end of October or so, over a silly fight. I felt she had been withdrawing for a while; and we spent 2 weeks apart before deciding to give it a try again. Over the course of the next month; from my point of view at least; things were getting better. I was making an effort to address the issues she saw in our relationship, and I -thought- she was doing the same and was happy. I just kept getting an odd vibe about her "personal trainer" at her gym. She was training at odd hours, something she hadn't done before...and seemed more interested in going to the gym than she had in the past.

 

She told me she was friends with him, nothing more. Eventually, I did something I never had done before...and I know was wrong. I looked at her phone...a breach of trust, I know... and found sexually explicit messages such as "Come over and f*** me"; "Cant talk, Paladin1 over"; and "Hard workout this morning". I went into the room; woke her, asked her again if anything was going on. She denied it, then I confronted her, she asked me to leave and I did. Days later, she called me and asked to talk. She begged me to come back; told me that during the two weeks we were broken up she had slept with him because she was "lonely"; and that the texts were a continuation of that. She swore that nothing had happened physically after that. Note, this guy was also married, either in the middle of a divorce or a seperation...never quite got that whole story.

 

She stated she loved me; wanted to be with me; that she would do anything it took to work things out. I told her that it was a violation of trust, that she would have to earn that back and it might be difficult, but I would try if she was willing. I told her I would not check her phone again..but expected honesty and transparency when it came to him and would want her to switch trainers and stop contacting him. This lasted a few days, until he called and told her (crying) that he had been told he had cancer (turns out it wasn't, in the end)... she stated that she felt bad for him, that this wasn't a ploy to get her to talk to him. I told her if she felt it was necessary to talk to him, I would as a gesture of trust let her make the choice as to whether or not she wanted to be friends with him.

 

I expressed my reservations about whether or not he wanted only friendship; stated that I was afraid he would be like a "snake in the grass" sabotaging our attempt to work things out, and asked for--again--transparency to their relationship especially if she chose to be friends with him. She agreed. Over the next three weeks, we tried to work on us again. He continued to text her, and while I did not check her phone I asked her to show me his texts. She refused, stating that he "texted me he misses me" and I wouldn't like that. Yes, I broke my promise to myself and checked her phone again... they were in the "I miss you and love you" vein...but I hoped, in vain it seems, that she was handling it and it was over. Went on a mini vacation for 4 days, got back on 2/7. Asked her that night if she was happy; she stated she was "more happy than she was before". Next day, got an email stating she "had thought about what I had asked, and decided that she could never love me like I loved her.

 

She stated that she had tried to plan things for us for Valentines, but it was hard..and she didn't think that it should be so hard to try to work on us, and plan things for me. She thought it should come naturally, and it didn't" She thought we should be done, for good. Of course, she stated that it wasn't because of the "personal trainer". I responded that this had come out of the blue, I thought she wanted to try and we were doing well; but I respected her decision and would miss her and, in the breif minute or two I talked to her when I got my stuff I asked why? Her answer " I don't know" Two days later, he was at her house and 3 or 4 days after that I found out that they were planning a vacation together at the end of this month. This hurts...so very much. I have not talked to her since 2/8; and have been in pain since.

 

Not only do I feel lost, but betrayed and used... all I ever asked of her was honesty and trust. How could it have gone from begging to have us try again to this in 3 weeks? I would have preferred truth to this. Am I right in not talking to her? Should I tell her I know that they are planning a vacation together, and I know how quickly she was with him? She doesn't know that I know...but what would the point of telling her that be? I refuse to tell her just to try to hurt her. Need advice, where do I go from here? Talk to her or stay away?

Edited February 19, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Courtesy paragraphs

[btc8]

That's really awful about what she did to you. I wouldn't know what to do if I were in your situation either, but I think what's best is to focus your energy now on trying to work on yourself. You need to take the time now to try to rebuild and regroup what must have been an emotionally draining last few months after all of these events transpired.

 

I know you must feel humiliated, lost, angry, and wounded right now, but you have to stop trying to rationalize what was done in the past. I know you don't want to hear that, but we cannot change the past. You were the bigger person by allowing her back into your circle of trust the first time, and what did she do? She broke it. She broke your trust, and what's worse, is she was secretive about it.

 

Put your guard back up; she cheated on you once, and she did it again. You did all you can do. You deserve better.

 

Drop her and assume that this torrid, little fling that she is engaging in will only end up failing, and you will have the validation of the fact that you don't deserve to be hurt again.

[paladin1]

Thanks, btc8. It's been a hard past few days... I've managed to be strong and not try to talk to her. I appreciate the response; and while I know that I made mistakes in our relationship too...the ultimate end was her choice and her doing. It does help somewhat...but I find myself wondering what happened to the woman I fell for in the first place? And what happened to make her choose this route to end 4 years of us? I suppose I'll never know...and while part of me hopes her relationship with him will fail, the other part loves her enough to want her to be happy...even if it is not with me. Honestly, I'm pretty down on myself about all of this; and I have thus far avoided going back and talking to her and doing the talking/begging/recrimination thing... Is no contact the best way to go? It seems the hardest... any other words of encouragement would be appreciated.

[btc8]

Thanks, btc8. It's been a hard past few days... I've managed to be strong and not try to talk to her. I appreciate the response; and while I know that I made mistakes in our relationship too...the ultimate end was her choice and her doing. It does help somewhat...but I find myself wondering what happened to the woman I fell for in the first place? And what happened to make her choose this route to end 4 years of us? I suppose I'll never know...and while part of me hopes her relationship with him will fail, the other part loves her enough to want her to be happy...even if it is not with me. Honestly, I'm pretty down on myself about all of this; and I have thus far avoided going back and talking to her and doing the talking/begging/recrimination thing... Is no contact the best way to go? It seems the hardest... any other words of encouragement would be appreciated.

 

Nice guys always finish, and you definitely deserve better than this. Just listen to yourself: regardless of your current emotional state, you want her to be happy even if it's not with you. Seriously, that's a very evolved thing to say, and maybe the best thing you can do is move on.

 

Remember, don't try to rationalize. Whoever she was when you fell in love with her is not who she is now. She's hurt you and people change for unknown reasons. It's not up to us to figure out why, but to better ourselves and move on.

 

You need to start NC. Believe me, at first, it does feel like shyt, but each day you earn the realization that you do not need someone to validate your happiness. And, once you do contact them, you put yourself out there for the pain of more rejection or hurt, or even worse, the awful longing of waiting for a call that may never come.

 

Good luck; I think you know what you need to do.