g1976b Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Anyone care to share? I'm not there yet. I'm just wondering....what did it take? Was there just a day you woke up and finally said to yourself "You know what, she's (he's) really done for good". I have to admit, I'm not there yet. However, I think I need to find my way there soon. A quick recap, she left me about a month ago (we were together about a year and a half...living together for a year) and I made the classic desperate moves by begging, pleading, bargaining, etc. All to no avail. In fact, to be honest I think it's made things worse. It's now been full NC for 2 weeks and she still has much of her stuff here. Add to all of this I'm nearly positive she's dating. I've been leaning on friends and LS who are both giving me great advice. Some of my friends/family have had some contact with her. I'm getting very consistent answers. "For now" she's just done. I had dinner tonight with a buddy of mine. We've been friends for 10 years and went to college together. Ironically he is dating one of her best friends. They started dating almost the same time my ex and I did (though neither couple initially knew about it). Obviously he has a unique perspective as he has been around the situation a lot more than I have recently. He has said he's purposely been asking to stay "out of the loop" as he's in a tough situation. I get that. I've told him repeatedly I don't want to put him in an awkward situation and I'm not going to ask him to 'put a word in' for me. As much as I may want and need it, it's just not fair to him. Anyway, he is echoing what I've heard. From his perspective, she's just done. That's it. He's said that she has never directly said that, but just the vibe he gets. He also said I should definitely do what I think is right (hold out hope, or whatever) but he's just trying to let me know what he sees. Obviously I am very disappointed. I'm stuck in that I can't give her a reason to want to try again if we're in NC, and the longer we go, the more she's going to get used to us being apart. Plus, I know for a fact I'm getting ZERO positive comments from her family and friends. Tough position to be in. Do I fight 'till the death knowing in all likelihood that I'm pushing her, and ANY chance of a reconciliation over the cliff? Or, do I give her what she's asking for (space) knowing that likely we'll drift apart and that will be the end of us. Essentially I'm wondering how and when you all got yourselves to the point where you can truly give up on a second chance. I feel really low. Like there is nothing I can do and no good path to take. Help?
s_n_d Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 If she wants space, give it to her. Theres nothing more terrible that someone who does NOT listen to whatever you want. If you keep fighting this, She WILL drift further away. Trust me. A month and a half of fighting to the death and now he wont talk to me AT ALL. Its likely that she will stop talking to you altogether. Please dont risk that.
Biker2007 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 If she left you and she is already dating some new guy...that should speak volumes. I don't know your whole story, but I have learned to really look at how people act in these tough situations. This is when her character and yours will show itself. Be strong! Lean on the folks here at LS and your buddies. I was in a somewhat similar situation, where a good friend told me my ex was going out w/ some new guy pretty quickly after she left me...that hit pretty hard. I have been NC for 6 months and it is still very tough, but I am glad I have kept it up as she wanted to keep me on a string...and hang out after she left. I let her know how I felt so that I had some closure, and wished her all the best. That was tough to say goodbye, but it would have been even harder on me to try and just hang out w/ her. Don't beg anymore...say what you need to say (keep it positive) and start the process of healing yourself. I would also get her stuff together and let her know she needs to have it out by a certain date. Don't let her keep you on the back burner by keeping her stuff at your place. Good luck,
s_n_d Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Its almost 20 days NC for me. Believe me, it does get better. Ofcourse I still love him and would probably go back to him but atleast I can do some productive work whenever I have to.
s_n_d Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 All I have to say is... Listen to that song by John Mayer. I think its called Say (His new song).
Biker2007 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 SND - I think the song pretty much sums it up. Nice choice!
s_n_d Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 g1976b, You will get through this. Look at it this way..If you keep contacting your ex you will be seen as needy and Im SURE your not. Atleast if you do NC you will keep your dignity instead of picking at it and being left with no dignity. Youve tried to reconciliate with your ex as much as possible right? Your ex KNOWS how you feel and now you have to let it be and keep hope and faith. But ofcourse "say what you need to say" first.
Ms. GoldynGramz Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Got over it quick when he started sleeping with my cousin.....
paladin1 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 10 ( O...wait 11) days ago my gf of 5 years ended it with an email; 2 days later she was with someone else. I left after the email and a brief conversation, and have not spoken to her since. What you have to understand is that she knows how you feel. You stated you did the begging, pleading thing. She understands what your feelings are...and you don't HAVE to give her a reason for a second chance other than that. Let who you were speak for you. Your past relationship, the good times you shared; all of these ARE her reasons for a second chance. Give her the time to dwell on them, and remember the good points you had together. Yes, she may get "used" to you being apart. It is possible that she'll forget some of the times you had together. But do you really want her last memories of you to be as the guy that JUST...WOULDN'T...LEAVE...HER...ALONE? Let your relationship, the love you shared, and the good times you had speak for you. If you can, get a message to her that you are willing to talk when she wants to. Then let her make the move. As for the moment I gave up? Hasn't happened yet...working on that myself in a way.
sandflea Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 If you can replace "Gave Up" with "Let Go" - you're doing great!
dfreeman Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 ...and if you can replace "Let Go" with "I don't give a sh[beep]t", you ain't doin so bad either!
marlena Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 When one day I looked in the mirror and didn't like what was staring back at me. Bore no resemblance to the strong,confident, independent,cheerful,funny girl I used to be.
sandflea Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 When one day I looked in the mirror and didn't like what was staring back at me. Bore no resemblance to the strong,confident, independent,cheerful,funny girl I used to be. Absolutely. I lived this too. I was like - WTF? Man up! How did I get so low?? I started living again, I let go of the past, and I started having fun. A solo trip to Puerto Vallarta over new years didn't hurt . I wasn't solo for long... SF
Author g1976b Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 It's just such a weird position to be in. Part of me truly wants to move on...just be rid of these feelings and let her go. But then there's this other part of him, however small it may be, that still knows how much good there is/was and the capacity we have for love for one another. I know I can't change her mind. I truly don't want to be with someone who isn't interested in being with me either. Unfortunately it's just one of those situations where I think I know better. I think I know how she's taking this too far and will regret it in the future. I guess that's part of the 'controlling' I still need to let go of. Also, possibly part of the 'wisdom' that an additional 8 years of life can give one (31 vs. 23). Regardless, it does not change the facts. She broke NC today after 2 weeks to discuss moving her furniture out. Probably a good thing. I sent a simple, cheerful response and kept it to "all business". She knows how I feel. There is no reason to push any longer. I just need to learn to give up/let go/not give a (bleep).
sandflea Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 It takes time for your head to convince your heart that it knows best. Trust me - I felt the same way. I remember when my separation went down, and of course I was a basket case - ex had given me pretty favorable terms. My heart kept telling me to wait it out - that she'd change her mind, but my head was like "Johnny - JUMP ON THIS - before she changes her mind". I did. I don't regret it a bit. Tell her to get everything, and if she forgets something you'll put it on the curb for her.
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