Crestfallen_KH Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) I've been dating this guy since mid-December. Neither of us wanted to be in a relationship since we are both coming out of painful breakups (mine an 8 year relationship and marriage and him, and on-again, off-again relationship that lasted 1.5 years), but we developed feelings for one another and strongly believe in monogomy, so it just sort of happened. Both of us were cheated on. Naturally, I can understand a little defensive or suspicion in the subsequent relationship following a betrayal of that magnitude, but it's become clear that he has been defensive all his life. He had a crappy childhood which explains a lot and well, he's an attorney, so I can understand it's served him well to a degree. The issue that I'm having is that I have been completely honest with him and he admits this; however, he still acts as though I'm out to hurt him or "get over" on him or something. I can make what I feel is an innocuous comment and his first reaction is to assume that my intentions were to be mean or hurtful, when that isn't the case. I've really tried to couch my statements and have all but stopped the "joking insults" that are part of my personality so as not to trigger his defensiveness, but it seems as if anything can trigger it and it's impossible to completely anticipate every conversation or situation. I have talked to him about it and he does admit he is very defensive. He has even taken my gentle proddings to consider therapy seriously and is apparently now looking to get into counseling. Until that happens, though, I guess I'm wondering if anyone has ever dated someone like this and, if so, is there anything I can do in the meantime? I should also point out that the relationship has been a little rocky, particularly since his feelings for me are stronger than mine are for him (and again, I've been honest about where I'm at) and he is perhaps using his defensiveness as a mechanism to prevent himself from getting even closer to me. I realize this is his issue to fix, not mine, but is there anything I can do to help him understand that I'm on his side? Edited February 19, 2008 by Crestfallen_KH
Florida Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 The issue that I'm having is that I have been completely honest with him and he admits this; however, he still acts as though I'm out to hurt him or "get over" on him or something. I can make what I feel is an innocuous comment and his first reaction is to assume that my intentions were to be mean or hurtful, when that isn't the case. I've really tried to couch my statements and have all but stopped the "joking insults" that are part of my personality so as not to trigger his defensiveness, but it seems as if anything can trigger it and it's impossible to completely anticipate every conversation or situation. I'm your BF. Meaning, I can tell you from his side. Can you honestly refrain from the following without feeling you are compromising your personality: -joking insults (he will interpret them as rejection, and probably never does them himself. If he does-you can bet he is really mad and actually means it) -jokes about other guys being hot , even on TV -no wishywashiness. If you want to see him, tell him, if not, be honest and say you are in a bad mood, want to watch TV alone, whatever. He will read into anything evasive as negative. And I do mean ANYTHING. -don't waffle on details, be completely forthcoming, don't add new details later on, he will think you are hiding more, possibly a liar. Even if it was to spare him some discomfort. He will trust you more when the things you say consistently match up with the facts as time goes on. Sorry this sounds so glum, but if you don't want to trigger his insecurities, then that is a fairly good list. Sometimes people need to come from the same place, or work really hard to understand eachother. Good luck, what do you think?
BlueHaiku Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 So, he's fully aware that he cares for you more than you care for him. This is a very painful position for someone to be in, and it is probably a big part of his defensivenes. Remember, we become defensive because we are in pain, we're trying to protect ourselves from that pain. What is more painful than caring for someone who doesn't return that affection in equal measure? I'm not saying he doesn't have a problem with defensiveness - but likely if he were totally secure of your affection, he would be much less defensive. You of course can't pretend to feel affection that you don't feel, so the two of your seem to be stuck. You're causing him pain and insecurity (through no fault of your own) and his reaction to that pain and insecurity is causing him to act in ways that probably exacerbate your difficulties in feeling the same intensity of affection. I find for people who are insecure and defensive, constant reassurance works. I have a co-worker (not romantic partner) who is extremely insecure and I make it a point every time I see her to compliment her on something she's done well or something I really appreciate about her - funny thing is often the things I compliment her on are things that I would never do - she is very different from me, but that she actually does and does quite well (she complements my own style quite well). This really helps her. I would try similar tactics with him. My advice would be to sit down and ask him what it is that he would like from you to make him feel secure, what kind of behavior, verbalizations, etc would help. The answer may be something you're unwilling to give at this moment - it may be that he wants a stronger relationship/love committment from you, but maybe you'll find something that you can compromise on.
birdie Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I am in a similar position as the OP. I have also been seeing someone very defensive since mid-December and I recognise many of the issues. I have managed to work out most of his triggers so we rarely argue anymore and he knows me better as well so he doesn't take EVERYTHING I say so seriously. He is a good man and I like him but I do wonder occasionally if it's all going to end in tears. Anyway, the way I handle it: - I have a sarcastic sense of humour but I cut down on the jokes. Not completely because it is part of the person I am but I am careful what I joke about. - I don't criticise him. If I don't like something he does I tell him of course but only if it concerns me directly. - I compliment him time to time (although I have been bad at that recently) and I try to re-assure him. - I only cause a confrontation when it's absolutely necessary. I suppose in the end it depends on how compatible you are because it is about your needs as well, not just his. Good luck.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Wow, thank you so much, everyone, for the thoughtful responses. I really appreciate the advice and perspectives. Florida - I can give up on the joking insults; the problem is that he does it more often than I do; however, I rarely respond in kind. I see it more as a behavior modification, not a personality overahaul. I never talk about how hot other guys are in front of him and was honest when I met a guy who was interested in me which, looking back, was maybe a mistake. Nothing happened and he didn't accuse me of anything but he did automatically assume I was interested in this other guy until I said I wasn't. birdie - I do confront him when necessary only and rarely criticize him. I also compliment him, but sometimes he seems to get irritated when I do. One problem is that he brings up our relationship - a lot. Usually every other day. I think he constantly keeps trying to feel me out to see if my feelings have changed. When it's clear they haven't he sort of shuts down and his defense mechanism seems to come out stronger. This is where I think you have a lot of insight, BlueHaiku. You are absolutely correct when you say this: "You're causing him pain and insecurity (through no fault of your own) and his reaction to that pain and insecurity is causing him to act in ways that probably exacerbate your difficulties in feeling the same intensity of affection." I have told him that, but he seems to believe we are on the same page. It's true, we have admitted we are bf/gf and are starting to hold hands and what not, but I think he's starting to believe my feelings really are stronger than they are, and that I'm just "not admitting it to myself" or whatever. I can assure you that isn't the case. if anything, the issues we have are making it harder for my feelings to mature beyond what they are now. I just don't even know what to do. Today he was mad at me because he had to go to work last night and he felt I tried to entice him to stay even though that wasn't in his best interest. He finally acknowledged that yes, he is responsible for his own decisions and I am not responsible for making him accountable to himself but only after a volley of e-mails which I found rather immature. Oy, what a mess this is sometimes.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Well, he just called to break up with me so I guess this is no longer my problem. Probably for the best.
birdie Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I've just broken up with mine because we weren't going anywhere. if you are not that sorry then you know it's for the best.
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