ethel23 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 So, I am a newbie and glad to have found this site. Some history... Scott and I work together and became fast friends almost 2 years ago when I first got there. We were flirty but I had no romantic intentions and I was never unfaithful to my husband. I decided to ask for a separation and eventual divorce from my husband throughout the course of last year. Yes, there was a flirtation with Scott but it would have happened at that time nonetheless. My ex and I have two pre-school age sons. I knew for several years that my marriage would end and finally got the courage to end it. It was painful but the right decision. I lived an ambivalent life- go to this college, OK, want to get married, well, OK. Gut instinct was ignored. Scott, meantime, had made no secret to me our anyone else of his unhappy marriage. Long story short-- we began an affair when I was separated and fell deeply in love-- real love for the first time for both of us, I know. Scott had been talking for years about leaving his wife to others at work but he has a son with developmental issues (ADHD and very mild autism). He has left the marriage once before for six months but returned for his son. He and his wife live different lives and it was a marriage of two young people who thought they could change each other and then realized that is not possible. OK, so he started talking about leaving last October and began talking to his therapist about it (we both have them). He set dates to leave but they never materialized. At first it was November but we had a business trip so he didn't want any suspicions while we were gone. Then our boss (who we told early on and is a great friend to us and supporter of our relationship) told Scott he should wait until after Christmas. I didn't love it, but OK. Then Scott carefully broached the subject with his son, talking about friends who were divorced and what that might be like. In a very serious tone, his son (who is 13) said he'd commit suicide if his dad left which caused more than a month of emotional roller coasters. Scott remains in therapy to try to get over his "block" to not see his son all the time and I am trying to be patient. While we see each other all day every day, I cut off all private time two weeks ago only to re-neg on that this week with a planned evening this week. I am torn. I love this man and if he needs to be with his son, then I love him enough to be OK with that. If he needs to stay there, then he should. I made so many stupid decisions in my twenties and I am angry and hypocritical to put myself in this situation. If you had asked me a year ago about people who cheat on their spouses (OM, OW), I would have been a judgmental lunatic. Scott cries and tells me that he is going to leave and that his therapist is helping him come to grips with guilt and making a decision for him that finally takes his own happiness into account. So, am I his first affair? No. Does that make me crazy about what could be? Yes. Am I loving one day and mad as hell the next? YES. My friends and therapist believe that we will be together, but they are vested and love me. I come here for honesty. Bring it on. Ethel
Enema Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Well, he's got the cow, he's getting the milk for free... ...and he keeps his home life the way it is without upsetting the delicate flower that is his son. This will continue for at least another 5-6 years unless he "has" to take real action to keep you.
StillSame Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 So, am I his first affair? No. Ethel 95% - 98% of affairs eventually end due to lack of trust, guilt, etc. The fact that children are involved, meaning exes will be involved will it make the success rate of the affair-relationship survive even slimmer. You can be the lucky few, but after reading the above statement, there is almost NO WAY your affair with him will last. His wife won't allow it, his son won't allow it, his guilt won't allow it, your guilt won't allow it, lack of trust won't allow it, outside pressure and stigma won't allow it....the list just go on and on. You should have finalized your divorce and make sure his divorce is finalized before sleeping or getting physical with him. Most couples go through up and downs. Those who are still happily married after 60 years, they have gone through many downs too. You're always carry the title of an unfaithful wife and a home wrecker. His or your being unhappy in the marriage is not an excuse.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Well let's look at it another way too. Your not his first affair right? Then you damn sure wont be the last! Then when you get into a serious relationship with him, just remember that someone will become his mistress just like you was. Why can't you find a single man to F with? Why are you insinuating yourself into his marriage. Let him work out his own crap without you in it!
bentnotbroken Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Man all those people in support of lying and cheating, what a world to live in. Even the professionals(therapist and boss). I work with special needs kids, his son with the right help, would better off without him as a role model. People and their justifications, I guess they will always be around as long as the world keeps spinning.
Tony Posted February 19, 2008 Senior Moderators Posted February 19, 2008 If Scott is his real name and Ethel is your real name, millions of people all over the world will be able to Google Scott and Ethel and read this post for many decades to come. I hope you gave a tremendous amount of thought prior to using those names.
TheSilentType Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Scott, meantime, had made no secret to me our anyone else of his unhappy marriage. Long story short-- we began an affair when I was separated and fell deeply in love-- real love for the first time for both of us, I know. Ah, I see you fell for the old, "I'm not happy with my marriage" story. Yet another person with an undiagnosed personality disorder that sense your discontent and voila also expressed his. And I love the part about the son!!! :laugh: Gonna kill himself huh because of his dad with a personality disorder? That just means he's gonna get the milk for free for a looooooong time.
OpenBook Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 And I love the part about the son!!! :laugh: Gonna kill himself huh because of his dad with a personality disorder? That just means he's gonna get the milk for free for a looooooong time. I hope you don't have children. Ethel, sometimes love means letting go. He has a son whom he has made his first priority. You have already posted that you would honor and respect that decision. I think this is the wisest course for you. It's the right thing to do. If you really and truly love someone, you want the best for them, even if it means being without you. And if you and Scott are meant to be, well, it will happen anyway, no matter what you do. But you must also prepare yourself for the fact that you and Scott may NOT be "meant to be." At this point it isn't clear; there are so many other factors involved. Your best bet is to stand strong, on your own.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) Scott will find that it is easier (emotionally and practically) for him to stay as a part of the family unit. If he decides that its your affair that is the problem (and he probably will), he will break things off, wait for the dust to clear and simply move on to another OW that will keep things easy for him. He may love you, but when it comes to being in a situation like he is in, love is not enough. You may want to consider what direction you want to take your life now since it clearly isn't going to go the way you had hoped. Hopefully you didn't stake your entire future and your happiness on this affair. At least you will have the chance to rebuild from the bottom up, I guess. I'm not sure what you meant by the 'block' part, but as a parent myself wanting to see your kid all the time is not a 'block'. Its pretty sad that people would even consider trying to convince him that it is. Edited February 19, 2008 by LucreziaBorgia
Author ethel23 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Thanks to all for the honest feedback. My gut is telling me that you are right though not the parts about being a horrible human being. Sometimes thing just happen. Oh, and Tony, I may have made some dumb decisions in my life but I am smart enough not to use our real names. I appreciate the feedback. Ethel
Owl Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 What advice are you asking for? What question(s) are you wanting answered, or what are you looking to hear?
Tony Posted February 19, 2008 Senior Moderators Posted February 19, 2008 Oh, and Tony, I may have made some dumb decisions in my life but I am smart enough not to use our real names.Ethel Hi Ethel: You would be simply amazed at the number of requests I receive to delete posts where real names and other identifiable information were used. A lot of people make dumb decisions and my earlier post was in no way meant to put you in that category.
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