themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 When do you think a relationship is moving to fast? What is reasonable?
BlueHaiku Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 There is no objective answer. If one of the people thinks it is moving too fast for them, then it is moving to fast for them.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Is there such thing is the average or reasonable way of a relationship playing out? lengths of stages?
Florida Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) Is there such thing is the average or reasonable way of a relationship playing out? lengths of stages? Some posters here have a good theory called intermitent reinforcement. The first few months start at only once a week dates. This is my pace or I don't see the point: Calling everyday starting date 1 forward. Exclusive after a month. I love you's after month 2-5. Deliberations on if you are right for eachother at month 8-12 Marriage or bust before year 5, latest. Personally, I think 4 is too long also. Edited February 19, 2008 by Florida
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Hmmm. interesting florida I'm gonna google that theory
Florida Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Hmmm. interesting florida I'm gonna google that theory Okay-I probably should have spelled it right first : intermittent reinforcement theory
Star Gazer Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 This is my pace or I don't see the point: Calling everyday starting date 1 forward. Exclusive after a month. I love you's after month 2-5. Deliberations on if you are right for eachother at month 8-12 Marriage or bust before year 5, latest. Personally, I think 4 is too long also. I think I pretty much follow the same pace.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Hmmmm seems to be allot of information based on a experiment with food and mice. about how to sporadically reward women with niceness so they will not get bored and come back because of the anticipation of the next time you will be nice to them. ENLITENING i'll admit. But not quite answering my question about a reasonable pace for relationships
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 I have known this girl for years. we dated for a month over the summer. We started dating again its been a couple months now. She has an ex who is friends with her friends and is constantly playing with her emotions. she has exes she keeps in contact with that are still trying to get back with her. is it to early in the relationship to ask her to drop these people? do i ever have that right? normaly i wouldn't but they are trying to drive a wedge between us. does she let this happen or truly doesn't rea;ize it?
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I have known this girl for years. we dated for a month over the summer. We started dating again its been a couple months now. She has an ex who is friends with her friends and is constantly playing with her emotions. she has exes she keeps in contact with that are still trying to get back with her. is it to early in the relationship to ask her to drop these people? do i ever have that right? normaly i wouldn't but they are trying to drive a wedge between us. does she let this happen or truly doesn't rea;ize it? Maybe I am drawing conclusions...but it sounds like she likes and wants the attention from these ex's. ANd if one of them still have the power to play with her emotions, she is not over him as well.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 ok so how do i handle this situation? I've already told her to take a few months to herself and she started crying. I said go do your thing figure it out. she said she couldn't do that.
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 ok so how do i handle this situation? I've already told her to take a few months to herself and she started crying. I said go do your thing figure it out. she said she couldn't do that. In that case, tell her then to walk away from the ex and be with you only. Ask her how she would feel in a new relationship if she was always feeling like she had to compete for your affections.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 is it to soon to say that to her ? we dated for a month in the summer started dating again now for two months and we've known eachother for years. hes ofcourse always been in the picture. they "have the same friends"
AdriannaV Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I'm in a situation now where I've been seeing someone for almost 2 months now, we met on New Years even, went on our first date New Years day, and have seen or talked to each other everyday since. And not just once a day, but multiple times. We may go 3 days without seeing each other, but not often. It's working well now, we both want to ease into it, based upon past relationships, but I feel that this is something new and I shouldn't hold back too much because im thinking about past experiences. However, I also don't wana be hurt again, especially not this early. I really like the other person, and I know they like me, there's been a lot of progress. I guess I'm just nervous to lose something so great...I feel like ill screw this up, but otherwise i see this relationship lasting a long time. We connect on many levels and can be ourselves around one another. I just have bad past experiences and need to get them out of my head and realize this is new and wonderful...any advice or similar experiences? thanks...
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 good luck adrianna moving along does anyone have a comment for my last comment in my thread?
AdriannaV Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Sorry messenger, I got caught up and forgot to answer your question. My opinion is that it's good that you care about this, obviously you don't want to see someone come between you guys, and it's a touchy subject because if you come about it too strong she may be turned away and thing your possessive. I would recommend that you let her know its okay for her to have friends and that you trust her, but also make it clear that you will not let people get between you and if guys are trying so hard to make that happen, you might need to step in between, but that you will come to her first. Give her some confidence that you want to be with her, if you let these guys keep coming around and let her keep being naive about it, one might just get her.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 well if i attempt to step in between will she not talk to me about this stuff anymore? or should i not be worried about that?
spookie Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I think given the level of self-questioning you have, you are not secure in this relationship. Why is that? You deserve to be with someone who puts you first, who you KNOW will put you first. It sounds like with your girl, it's her way or the highway, even when she is OBVIOUSLY in the wrong (like right now, since attention seems to be more important to her than your feelings). I'm not saying it's right or wrong. And I'm not saying every relationship is the same. But the serious ones I've had, where I actually cared about the other person (and it's really something special when you get to that point) I would never behave as your gf is behaving. And I think you know this is true, in general, if someone loves you.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 is it to soon to have such exp[ectations we've dated in the past, right now we have been seeing eachother for a couple months a month exclusivly
starlite Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 is it to soon to have such exp[ectations we've dated in the past, right now we have been seeing eachother for a couple months a month exclusivly nope, it is not too soon if this makes u uncomfortable. But she may not give you the response you want.
spookie Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 is it to soon to have such exp[ectations we've dated in the past, right now we have been seeing eachother for a couple months a month exclusivly No, it's not too soon. You have to learn to ask for what you want, to trust that you DESERVE it, or you will end up completely losing your backbone; which is completely unattractive in a man.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 so would you guys have such expectations at this point? if you were her how would you react to me saying this?
spookie Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 so would you guys have such expectations at this point? if you were her how would you react to me saying this? If I gave a s!ht, I'd think you were being reasonable and I would feel guilty and like I wanted to take your hurt away. If I didn't (which, no offense, but I think might be the case here) and if I wasn't feeling my conscience that day, I'd probably try to convince you you were being "controlling", "needy" or any other number of red-flag keywords that would assuage me of my guilt.
Author themessenger Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) wow spookie thats realy interstinfg. those are the same things she said to me when we dated in the past and is the reason why it ended. in all fairness she has been more receptive to when i make comments like this now. maybe she is changing. i don't know. but why would you want to F with my head like that? I beat myself up for months thinking it was my fault. Edited February 19, 2008 by themessenger
spookie Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 wow spookie thats realy interstinfg. those are the same things she said to me when we dated in the past and is the reason why it ended. in all fairness she has been more receptive to when i make comments like this now. maybe she is changing. i don't know. but why would you want to F with my head like that? I beat myself up for months thinking it was my fault. Haha, I'm not trying to F with your head, just explain the workings of the female (and probably male) psyche. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Ask her this: if you were engaging in friendships with a bunch of your exes WHO STILL WANTED YOU, how would she feel? Truly? (If she says it'd be cool with her she's lying. Try it out.)
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