BlueHaiku Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I've been dating a guy for two years. We're both divorced, but met and started dating relatively quickly (~5 months) after splitting from our spouses. We moved quickly at first, rapidly becoming quite attached, then the "gaga" phase ended and our relationship, while calmer and more wise, continued to grow. Then after a year, he said he wasn't ready to make a committment. We talked about it (we're both good at communicating in a relationship) and he clarified that he was not trying for any kind of open relationship or change in what we had, but that he was having self doubt about his ability to make a good relationship judgment because he had been so devoted to his ex and had thrown himself so totally into their marriage and yet he had come to realize their marriage was pretty bad, and she had undermined and emotionally abused him constantly. Because of this, he was leery of moving forward with us, because he feared he didn't have the capacity to judge if the relationship was a good one or not, given his past track record. Coming out of a marriage is damaging, I understand because I am divorced, too, so I told him that I understood (which I do) and no problem for the present time, but that I wasn't necessarily prepared to wait forever. That at some point I might choose to move on. He completely undersood, and said he felt badly for putting me into this "holding pattern." Meanwhile, our relationship continues. There are some ways in which we are moving forward (at his instigation, we have since incorporated his son into our life as a couple - and his son adores me and I him). We're seeing each other more often now because of being able to be together when he has his son. But other ways our relationship has perhaps stepped back a bit. He used to be a lot more demonstratively affectionate than he is now. It's not that affection is gone - we still kiss and cuddle and hug, and now we do it in front of the son (who we cleared it with first). But the verbal affection is gone. He used to say very affectionate and adoring things to me, and that has mostly stopped. I've told him that this bothers me, because ultimately I feel those things are essential to me - I've asked if this is just how he is with women in his life. He says no, normally he would be very verbally affectionate, but this goes back to the committment thing - he wants to make sure that when he says stuff, he can be confident he MEANS it and KNOWS for sure that it's right. I admire this in him. Nothing is worse than meaningless words. Yet still I want those words, and their lack hurts. He is acting with the utmost honor in this, I believe. And I appreciate that, but it has been a year since he told me of these difficulties with feeling confident in his judgement. I am honestly starting to feel a need for more. Loneliness and sadness are creeping in. Normally grounded and calm, I am now on an emotional rollercoaster which has me at times feeling a calm patience and belief that he will get past this and we'll have a wonderful life together, and at other times has me thinking maybe it's time to move on and find someone who can fulfill my need now. Before you ask/suggest, we have talked about all of this. He is very apologetic and feels quite guilty for keeping me "on hold" when he can't be sure what the outcome will be, but he still feels such self doubt that he's not ready to move forward. I have maintained that I'm continuing with him, but that I can't promise that I won't hit a point at which I'm tired of waiting and will just move on. Recently he has noticed (and pointed out to me) that I've been making a lot of references to time - I wasn't doing so intentionally, but I guess my patience is wearing thin. And of course, there is the son, who adores me - It can't be good for him for women to be going in and out of his life either. My BF was very slow to introduce me to him for that reason, so it's kind of ironic that he finally started introducing me after the time in which he was telling me he was so full of self doubt. Over the last 6 months or so I have spent more and more time with the son, at the BF's instigation. At one point, my BF asked his son if it was ok if we were boyfriend/girlfriend, and a while after that he kissed me for the first time where the son could see, and just a month ago he arrainged to have me spend the night in his bed when his son was spending the night. All these steps forward, involving his son (which is the area my BF is the most careful), yet still we're "coasting." I'm awfully confused and awfully frustrated. Has anyone gone through this from either side who can shed some light here? BlueHaiku
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