willodeewisp Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Hello gentlemen, I need your help. For various reasons, I told my bf that I needed a break to sort things out and he readily agreed that he too had to do the same. We are now in the NC phase of things and it is torture. I'm wondering what he is thinking and feeling and it's killing me... What do you guys do or go through when in this situation? We didn't actually breakup but I have a feeling that is whre we are headed.
jerbear Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 It depends on how deep the relationship is and how far along it is. Almost fiance, talked about marriage, reason for break, etc... Usually if I hear the take a break, I just leave her alone and not talk to her, even to the point of just ignoring her. I would go out with friends and just go out and enjoy life to try to "forget about her" I know some of my friends would sit at home and mop.
Author willodeewisp Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Ok, I broke down and called him and got his voice mail. I left a message, but I don't know if he'll do anything about it. I want to call him and tell him how much I miss him and need him but I'm concerned this will make me look like a crazy woman (which presently I am) and don't want to push him away any farther. Cripes it's only been 4 days and I'm dying inside!
wizer Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 There were reasons why you wanted space, and reasons he wanted them. You need to separate out the emotions due to the sudden emptiness in your life vs. the real problems you guys have that need to be fixed. Don't rush back, or you will start the rollercoaster.
Author willodeewisp Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Ok but when you're leaving her alone or ignoring her, do you think about her? Do you want to make things better? Do you want to contact her?
Beckett Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Hello gentlemen, I need your help. For various reasons, I told my bf that I needed a break to sort things out and he readily agreed that he too had to do the same. We are now in the NC phase of things and it is torture. I'm wondering what he is thinking and feeling and it's killing me... What do you guys do or go through when in this situation? We didn't actually breakup but I have a feeling that is whre we are headed. I should think the same things you do. If you both choose to re-direct the relationship then it seems to me you both are having similar emotional experiences as it pertains to the relationship. I suspect you are overwhelmed with questions and these questions run the gamet from " Is this the wrong decision' to ' If I break up with X who is going to be my date for new years eve'. Even if you were to answer all your questions this very minute it would not change the decision you have to make. Either choice has a set of consequences, which set of consequences are you prepared to live with?
Author willodeewisp Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Even if you were to answer all your questions this very minute it would not change the decision you have to make. Either choice has a set of consequences, which set of consequences are you prepared to live with?[/quote] So true, so true! The reason we decided to take a break was to see if we could live with the consequences of us being a couple (I know I'm being tight lipped about the details please bear with me) but right now I would take those consequences over the pain I feel anyday.
jerbear Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) Ok but when you're leaving her alone or ignoring her, do you think about her? Do you want to make things better? Do you want to contact her? Of course! It is hard to not call her everyday. To not have a 5 minute chat during the day, which was done for over 1 year. Not able to chat while we are away from each other. Like she's at her home and I'm at home or one of us is traveling. Hard to go cold turkey after you develop the habit of picking up the phone only to stop yourself. Even considered sending dozen roses for 7 straight days! I think it takes strength to know that you can control yourself. Yes I would miss her but I also know that I do not want to be a clingy, needy, depressed, girly man. Edited February 19, 2008 by jerbear grammer :)
sandflea Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Things happen for a reason. Sounds like you both agreed to the NC - so let sleeping dogs lie. Of course you think about them. You anguish, and get stoic, and promise yourself that you won't break NC. It's not a true test if you don't honor it - you both know that. Maybe - if you guys decide you really did miss each other - it will make you stronger as a couple. Who knows. But - NC is a pact. Sometimes you make it with yourself, sometimes you make it with your partner. But you don't break it. Trust me SF
Author willodeewisp Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 But - NC is a pact. Sometimes you make it with yourself, sometimes you make it with your partner. But you don't break it. Trust me SF Ok but I've already broken the pact, after 4 days I was weak and called him. Also we never specified a time on our break. What if I wait for him to call and he waits for me to call and then nothing ever gets resoved. How long should I wait? I admit I fell off the wagon already at 4 days, I'm hopeless.
Trimmer Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I would go out with friends and just go out and enjoy life to try to "forget about her" I know some of my friends would sit at home and mop. And once you tire of the cleaning, you might even have some time to mope. willo - I understand that you are being tight-lipped about your reasons, but it is hard to put your dilemma into context... You have "chosen" NC, and you seem to find it agonizing to maintain that commitment. Until we know the motivation behind your decision, it is hard for me to either encourage you to stick with NC, or to venture an opinion that this motivation isn't something that rises to the level of NC or whatever... NC isn't something you choose and commit to just for the sake of NC - as if it is some kind of a good exercise, or a worthwhile pursuit all in itself. It is a tool for accomplishing something. You seem to be trying to accomplish something, but without knowing what that is, I just can't suggest whether your struggle is something you should be strong about, or let slide... When you're ready to share...
jerbear Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 And once you tire of the cleaning, you might even have some time to mope. That is why I got a clean bathroom...
Trimmer Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 willo: I just ran across your other thread, where you speak of your husband of 5 years... Can you please put into context whether it is your husband with whom you are maintaining NC, or is the "bf" mentioned in this thread the affair partner you mention in the other thread? Otherwise, this becomes an academic discussion about purposeless NC (or at least, NC of an unknown purpose...)
btc8 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Ok but I've already broken the pact, after 4 days I was weak and called him. Also we never specified a time on our break. What if I wait for him to call and he waits for me to call and then nothing ever gets resoved. How long should I wait? I admit I fell off the wagon already at 4 days, I'm hopeless. You are human. Yes, you broke the pact, but think about what you're doing: you are willing yourself not to call the man you've probably obsessed over (in a good way) and have enjoyed your time with (and still will hopefully continue to do so). It's not so easy to just stop cold turkey. Wait for him to reply to your call. The ball's in his court now. Busy yourself, and every time you want to call him if he hasn't called back, come back on these forums and reply to a post, or watch the television, or read a book, or learn a new language. Just do something to occupy your time, and it will get easier. Trust me. I know you can do it.
Author willodeewisp Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Hi; I thank all you for your words and thoughts and opinions. The NC was with the married man I was having an affair with. You can find the details under the divorce/seperation thread called "No physical attraction" I was hurting because I clung to the hope that he would leave his wife and together we would ride off into the sunset. Well I spoke to him today, and well...no riding, no sunset for us. I truly fell hard for this man, but even if we did wind up together, that would not be the answer to any of my problems for my issuses stem within me, and I can't expect a romantic relationship of any kind to heal my inner wounds. My husband and I laid all our cards on the table today, affair included. I have a lot of pain and work ahead of me, but if he choses to stay and work through our problems I will give 100% of myself to him and our marriage.
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 My husband and I laid all our cards on the table today, affair included. I have a lot of pain and work ahead of me, but if he choses to stay and work through our problems I will give 100% of myself to him and our marriage. I think you made the right choice by confessing
jerbear Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I truly fell hard for this man, but even if we did wind up together, that would not be the answer to any of my problems for my issuses stem within me, and I can't expect a romantic relationship of any kind to heal my inner wounds. My husband and I laid all our cards on the table today, affair included. I have a lot of pain and work ahead of me, but if he choses to stay and work through our problems I will give 100% of myself to him and our marriage. I am happy that you guys tried it working it out. Not many guys like your husband would be able to work it out. Once a guys ego and heart is really bruised and hurt; it pretty much kills the relationship. I wish you and your husband the best.
sandflea Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Hi; I thank all you for your words and thoughts and opinions. The NC was with the married man I was having an affair with. You can find the details under the divorce/seperation thread called "No physical attraction" I was hurting because I clung to the hope that he would leave his wife and together we would ride off into the sunset. Well I spoke to him today, and well...no riding, no sunset for us. I truly fell hard for this man, but even if we did wind up together, that would not be the answer to any of my problems for my issuses stem within me, and I can't expect a romantic relationship of any kind to heal my inner wounds. My husband and I laid all our cards on the table today, affair included. I have a lot of pain and work ahead of me, but if he choses to stay and work through our problems I will give 100% of myself to him and our marriage. Sometimes it seems like that hot steamy affair, with all of the passion, and potential, and discovery, can somehow make your life better. I've been down that road too, hon. I was separated, and I had an affair with a married woman. Of course, everything was grande in the beginning. Those things almost NEVER last. I'm glad you've decided to try to work it out. Very best of luck to both of you - may you find some peace. Here's an article that might make for some good reading for you right now: http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19930501-000027.html SF
Author willodeewisp Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 Thank you SF for the article. I read through it's entirity and came away with what I had originally thought: The affair was a "band aid" solution that caused more problems than fixed. I have my first appointment with the therapist next week and am hopeful I can start to put my life back on track.
joeapa Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 am going thriugh the same thing but i'm starting to feel better. I'm also in therepy. trust me time will heal your wounds
sandflea Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Thank you SF for the article. I read through it's entirity and came away with what I had originally thought: The affair was a "band aid" solution that caused more problems than fixed. I have my first appointment with the therapist next week and am hopeful I can start to put my life back on track. Glad to hear it Willo. It's a long road back, but what you guys are doing takes incredible courage. Very best of luck to you. SF
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