shayna Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Hey again everyone Its been awhile since I've posted...but I'm still the same and just as in love with my ex as the day we split up- sigh. Medical school is still a constant struggle because I still focus on how much my previously amazing life is in shambles right now. Nothing makes me smile and anything I do for pleasure just seems so fake and contrived and desperate as I attempt to move on. Its almost 8 months since he left after 9 years together. We have been on LC for quite awhile- I couldn't handle full NC because it just made me feel so much worse to have it shoved in my face that he'd actually be OK with me "disappearing". How can someone just be "OK" with that after 9 years- even if they wanted the relationship to come to an end??? Its not like we hated each other or even had huge problems. I just don't get it. He has shown he still cares a great deal for me in various ways since and has had a hard time staying with the decision. Anyway, now we stay in touch (read: I make first contact each time) every once in awhile just so I don't lose my mind. I'm getting used to the sadness and have accepted that it will be with me for a very long time- perhaps forever in some way or another. I know I will never trust again or love in the same way as this was such a blow. My previous semi-positive outlook on the world and on people I once trusted has been shattered. He's out of the country for a few weeks on business which has been my saving grace- no more wondering what he's doing or with whom because he has no friends to occupy his time while away. But I've also realized sadly during this time that he must not miss me so acutely anymore as I had hoped- that he's doing OK without me as time roles on. I was sorta hoping that while away and alone, he'd realize that he really did miss us. To make matters worse, a new problem has uncovered itself now: shared friends of ours stay in touch with him while he's gone (and spend a lot of time with him while he's in town) and I have to struggle just to stay in touch with them myself! I feel utterly shafted and unloved by them. It seems I'm losing them to him and I just am so upset over that. First I lose the love of my life, now I lose my friends and I can't figure out what I've done to ever deserve this! They just have more fun with him I guess. After all I'm no fun to be around these days. And, naturally, these "friends" are all women. I hate to say it, but its like suddenly there is available meat to be had and the vulchers are swarming! I expected more respect- what are we- in high school or something???? Now I just believe people- even your friends- are just never who you think they are. I know I have to meet new folks- that's not the point I'm trying to make. I'm so tired of this. Tired of the worry, tired of the sadness, tired of the useless therapy and antidepressants, tired of hoping (when I know its over) and tired of realizing that I'm just not as important to him (or apparently to my friends) as I thought. I am garbage to him and I admit that I just no longer have anymore inclination to live my life.
Miyamoto Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) and bunnies for you :bunny::bunny::bunny: I have no experience with relationships that long but I can feel your pain so I want to let you know I understand. And yes, your "friends" are total vultures.
SarahT111 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Awww hun I totally know how u feel I had tears in my eyes when I read your post! My partner was with me for two years (nothing compared to you) and life was going so perfect! I was on top in my sport, getting great marks in my degree and had my life all planned out! I was so happy I dont think I cried once throughout those two years. Then all of a sudden things changed, My partner leaves for another girl and rips my heart out. He decideds to hate me for some reason and refuses to speak to me ever again. He cuts me out of his life and acts like I never exsisted. He moved on the next day with this other girl and was as happy as Larry. He turned all of our mutual friends against me and I was only left with a few friends Since then things have gone from bad to worse (its been two months) everything in my life has fallen apart and it tears me apart to think how I could one day have it all then the next week everything is lost I turned to completly blaming myself and felt I totally deserved what I got as I was never appreciative of my wonderful life. Anyway I don't know what advice to give you as Im in the same situation myself! Everyone tells me also that I need to go out and meet new people but I just can't motivate myself! I want my old life and old happiness back. The world seems like a completly different and scary place since all this has happened. I can't look at anything the same way. I also spend my days silently hoping that he will change his mind and realise that he misses me and what we had was amazing! But now that he hates me and after what he has done I know there is no going back! Anyway the main purpose of my waffling was to let you know you not alone! I really want to give you some useful advice but I dont know what to do myself! I just really want you to know that you are not alone and taht the world has crashed for me also! Take care and keep posting as people on here have wonderful advice! xx
Author shayna Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Wow. You are amazing to have made it this far- I know I wouldn't have in that situation! How could he do that to you????? I just don't get it!!! My ex comes running when I need him- but its only because I cry over the phone to him...Where have you gained such incredible strength?
SarahT111 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Thanks for your kind words! But trust me I don't have strength! I cry every single day and I barely eat or sleep! I am a total mess and have just wanted to end my life many times! I don't know how he could do this to me either, He said I bought it all on myself which totally killed me! I spend my days tearing myself apart blaming myself for every little thing and just trying to understand why he could suddenly hate me and cut me from his life! He has NO idea what im up to and it kills me that he doesn't care in the slightest!! Him having a new girl in his life eats away at me! So im not strong! Though I wish so much that I was!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im so sorry about your situation also Its great that you can still talk! I know how you feel completly and you are defiently not alone
Author shayna Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 I just checked a shared email account of mine and my ex's and found a note from a female friend of his (they actually got together about 4 months after we split (at the time she was someone I thought was a friend-well, friend of friends anyway). In the email she joked to him that he should marry her so she can stay in the country! #$%^$#!!!!!! I just wrote him to say that he's got to give me something to hate him for so I can move on because I can't deal with this stuff anymore. I'm way too sensitive to anything and anyone!!! No sleep for me tonight....
SarahT111 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Aww sweetie im so sorry! I no how much it hurts to see the one you love happy with some1 else!! Dw im at the point where I cant deal with it either and its really starting to take its toll on me and my life! Im am truly sorry your going through this *hug*
Author shayna Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Oh they're not actually together in a relationship...just good friends that slept together "out of loneliness" (ha!) back in the fall. She is a b--ch to have been so cruel to me...sometimes I believe women are worse then men when it comes to these sort of things. Anyway, he says he's not interested in dating her-and the difficulties it would entail with immigration responsibilities definitely makes him doubly not interested. But just the fact that she has the gall to joke about that so soon after our split gets my hackles up and makes me worry that maybe just maybe they'll end up together in the end...leaving me in the dust wondering what the heck was wrong with me that he couldn't love me enough.
SarahT111 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Thats horrible!! Im terribly sorry The thing thats hurting me the most is the thought of him sleeping with someone else! :( Gosh it really rips my heart to pieces!! Atlest you can still talk to your ex tho, mine hates my guts for some reason and that hurts so bad I really love him and for him to shut me out of his life and act like I dont exsist is soo hard I dont want to go on somedays and I worry what I will do to myself! Theres nothing wrong with you You are capable of great love and are able to hold down a long term relationship! Maybe you were only supposed to go so far with this guy. And all this heart ache is preparing you for the great future you have just waiting around the corner! Remember we don't always see what is best for us sometimes. You have a bright future and are a very smart woman, i know you don't want to hear it and all you want is your ex but you WILL meet someone else, just give it time Im am once again truley sorry for what you are going through You are in no way alone!
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