caesar_d Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Valentine's Day just brings out the best in everyone. Some background info first. I live in L.A., and met my girlfriend 4 months ago while traveling for work in San Francisco. We hit it off and started a long distance relationship. She's 21 and still in school and I'm 30 and working. She was able to visit 1-2 times a month for a week at a time, and I'd be there for a few days the other weeks. The first 3 months were amazing and we both agreed we never felt such an intense connection as we had. Hours and hours on the phone getting to know each other were spent when we weren't together, and the times together were even more intense. Last I saw her was middle of January after she came for 2 weeks for Christmas. Bombshell #1: She went to visit girlfriends one weekend and suddenly decided that she was going to move in with them. Obviously having fun, she didn't get too many chances to talk as much as we had. She'll be even further away from me. Bombshell #2: A family member is ill and she flew out to the East Coast with her mother to support. She says she'll be out there for the month of February and maybe March. Throughout our time together, my feelings became stronger and I entertained the thought of moving to be closer to her. I choose the day after Valentine's Day to gauge where we're at. Turns out she's been thinking about it too. She's still attracted to me, but thinks we were meant to be with other people. There are differences in our personalities(ex: she's a Republican, I'm a Democrat) that she would not want either of us to compromise on and doesn't believe people should change themselves for a mate. The points she made about our differences show immaturity where little things seem to matter, but in the long run do not. On top of it, she says she believes she and her ex were meant to be(even though he's now married). This is a guy she dated(and was going to marry) when she was 15-19 and said she is still not over him. She said there's absolutely no other guy, "it's not you, it's me", wants us to be friends and still talk on the phone as we normally do because we do click so well. Is there any point in trying to convince her otherwise? We had such an intense beginning and depth of feelings. Depth that she claims she thought was there in the moment, but now after thinking about it, was not there. Is this just her being scared that we really can achieve a real meaningful relationship? I know she's only 21 and idealistic, but I really feel we have something that others would be envious of and I looked so hard to find. An amazing friendship and understanding made our physical attraction even that much more intense. As quickly as I found it, it's quickly trying to go away. I know we have a bunch of obstacles in the way, like her age, the distance, her ex, but I feel we can over-come them together. Am I being idealistic too?
Replicant Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I know she's only 21 and idealistic, but I really feel we have something that others would be envious of and I looked so hard to find. An amazing friendship and understanding made our physical attraction even that much more intense. As quickly as I found it, it's quickly trying to go away. I know we have a bunch of obstacles in the way, like her age, the distance, her ex, but I feel we can over-come them together. Am I being idealistic too? Honestly you are idealizing something you cannot expect her to faithfully be able to commit to considering her age. Realize you are trying to rationalize something that may be way beyond her at 21 in terms of you likely looking for something stable and long-term. At her age that is but a punchline, mixed in with the drama of finding out who she is, what she wants to do and ex-boyfriends or the flip side meeting new guys while you are distant. If you can detach yourself from this quite easily then i see no reason to change course, but you seem rather emotionally invested in her long term, so i would just suggest to keep your eyes open on hard decision making with a girl so young.
Author caesar_d Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 I know 21 is still so young and a time to really figure out who we are as people. She says she thinks we were meant to be with other people now, but maybe later on we actually are. Since Valentine's Day, she's been calling and texting, but only to talk about what's going on with her, random conversations and she seems very obvious not to bring up any feelings or sentiment about us. Should I just step back and just be 'phone buddies'? At 4 months, am I too emotionally invested with a "moving target"? How can I stay friends with her, when in the back of my mind, I would be looking for an opportunity to rekindle something?
Replicant Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I know 21 is still so young and a time to really figure out who we are as people. She says she thinks we were meant to be with other people now, but maybe later on we actually are. Since Valentine's Day, she's been calling and texting, but only to talk about what's going on with her, random conversations and she seems very obvious not to bring up any feelings or sentiment about us. Should I just step back and just be 'phone buddies'? At 4 months, am I too emotionally invested with a "moving target"? How can I stay friends with her, when in the back of my mind, I would be looking for an opportunity to rekindle something? You've just got to step back and accept the fact you are at different levels in life. Most people at 30+ know what they want and are already established career wise and such. She's flaky and fresh off the college block, she's trying to figure what she wants. Investing heavily in her at that age is a pretty big risk on your part. Unless like i said it was something short term like a fling then you can detach and walk away with no emotional attachment. At 4 months you sound rather desperate in the way you look upon this, or expectations from her. Staying friends would be your choice surely, but when that little hot ticket slips through your fingers into another guys and she starts telling you of the intimate details. Will you be able to handle that and the reality nothing may ever come of this? If so, yes remaining friends is possible.
Author caesar_d Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 I think at 4 months in, I am thinking like a 21 year old myself with the rose-colored glasses and emotionally immersed. I guess that's another pitfall of dating a younger girl like that at 30. The little things become a big deal even though they aren't. You're directness really hit home for me. Thanks.
Jilly Bean Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Generally, when 30-year old men date 21-year olds, it's because they are looking to have the upper hand and completely control the relationship. While it's not a big age gap past 30, nine years in your 20's is purely huge. It sounds like you were pretty controlling, as you described her living her life as "bombshells". Why were they bombshells? Because you were expecting her to behave as you wanted her to, not as she chose to. And to answer your question - no, you can't convince her that she should be with you... If you are sincerely looking for a relationship, then I encourage you to find someone more age appropriate who will be more on your wave-length.
Author caesar_d Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 I know...bombshells isn't the right word, but I wanted to use a word to describe what I considered a relationship-affecting event. It's bad enough that we are 400 miles apart, and now we'd be further away. Then, we would not be able to see each other for 3 months, where, previously we were able to see each other just about every week. I was not controlling at all, and in fact made it a point to not quiz her on her activities or details of her day. Although, as Replicant said, I had expectations that she obviously cannot fulfill at her stage in life. I think I just got wrapped up thinking like a 21 year old myself, and not thinking with all heart and no brain.
Little Shy Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I would say move on. 21 or not, age gap being an obvious concern here, she is telling you she is still hung up on her ex. Then she tells you maybe something can happen with you guys "later on". I don't think anything ever happens "later on" when people say this. Is she even really hung up on this married ex anyway, or just trying to let you know she's not that into you, not because of you, but because there is someone else...an easier way to let someone down. I mean, this guy isn't even a viable option for her, because he is married. I am getting ready to break it off with someone now, whom I went on a few dates with by telling him my mind is on someone else. While pondering if it was cool or not to let him off with this reasoning, I also thought it would be a good excuse even if it were not the case. Girls can be crafty & sometimes dishonest too, when they want to get out of something/get off the hook. Sorry for the brutal honesty here & good luck to you.
spookie Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 She's an immature 21, still in school, hung up on her ex, far away, and with ambitions unrelated to you (moving in with her gf's). I'm sorry, but the odds are not in your favor. Don't take it personally. You're just at completely different stages in your lives.
Author caesar_d Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 You bring up a good question. Is there such thing as a mature 21? Obviously, at first I thought she was. She carries herself very well and speaks very intelligently. I'm not trying to rationalize anything, but it's an interesting tidbit to keep in mind for future interactions with girls in their early 20's.
Replicant Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Is there such thing as a mature 21? Absolutely not..At least i don't think so in today's society. Remember maturity levels surely vary from person to person, and yes she may front herself very well for her age compared to other 21 year olds. 'But' she does not have the life experiences that is built over many years in many different areas. Your 20's are big character building blocks in this area as Jilly Bean was pointing out...and this girl is just getting started.
Author caesar_d Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 I've been trying to keep busy with work and take the advice of people to move on. I'm sleeping more the past 2 days, yet she's been texting every day which I've been ignoring. Til today, she texted, "Am I getting the silent treatment now?" I responded with a polite "sorry, no" and that I was busy with work. I feel immature myself for getting worked up about it, but should I even play the "screw you cuz you don't want to be with me" game and tell her to stop texting/calling me? Even though I won't be able to move on, there's a part of me that still loves hearing her voice.
Replicant Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I've been trying to keep busy with work and take the advice of people to move on. I'm sleeping more the past 2 days, yet she's been texting every day which I've been ignoring. Til today, she texted, "Am I getting the silent treatment now?" I responded with a polite "sorry, no" and that I was busy with work. I feel immature myself for getting worked up about it, but should I even play the "screw you cuz you don't want to be with me" game and tell her to stop texting/calling me? Even though I won't be able to move on, there's a part of me that still loves hearing her voice. No don't screw with her...It's not going to accomplish anything beneficial to you in the end. That said, yes you do have various choices on how to deal with it, choosing which is entirely up to you. If you are going to go No Contact, then you have to maintain it. It's meant to aid you in closing that door and opening a new one. To get drawn into her 21 year old drama and games really just drags it out further, and also brings you down to her level.
Author caesar_d Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 If you are going to go No Contact, then you have to maintain it. It's meant to aid you in closing that door and opening a new one. After this post, I went NC until yesterday. For Christmas, I gave her a set of really nice earrings(~$300) which at the time(obviously) our feelings were mutual. She wants to know if I now want them back and said she would understand if I did. I didn't respond yet. A piece of me wants to take everything back from her, another side says to let her keep them since they were given as a token of my feelings. I'm torn. What's best for me and my sanity??
Replicant Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Counterproductive. Forget it, the expense was based on something that had sentiment at the time. That time has passed and in a case like this it's best to let such items of sentiment go. Not use them as a means to re-inject yourself into the drama, especially at her level. Maintaining zero contact is absolute.
pajamaman Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 best for you is to move on. she has told you in so many ways, except directly, that she does not see any future with you. don't even think about asking back the things you gave to her. they are gone. she is gone. to regain your sanity and your self-respect, cut off all contact, move on with your life, and find someone else.
D-Lish Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I'd say let her keep what you gave her.... and just be honest about not being able to keep having contact with her when you are both obviously moving in different directions and that it's screwing with your feelings a bit. Yes, I have to re-iterate that at 21 she doesn't have the emotional maturity to maintain a relationship in the same way you might be able to. Take it from me- dating men far younger.... they just haven't hit their stride in life. At 21 I had no clue. None whatsoever. I don't even remember who I was dating back then. I am sure she is having issue with the fact that you are ignoring her... but don't let that draw you back in. I am sure she enjoys the attention and is using the earrings excuse to keep it coming. Yeah- I too am guilty dating too young and have suffered the consequences. In my 30's- got attached to a 22 year old I had no business dating.... which I sort of always knew, but allowed myself to get drawn in anyway. He had no clue- and I was constantly annoyed by his lack of maturity.... but I shouldn't have been surprised by it. I think that she needs to experience a whole lot more in life before she'd be on the same page as you. It sucks- because I know you like her, but trying to stick with it will be like banging your head against the wall. I had to break up with my guy- even though I really, really liked him. But he was pulling the same stuff your girl is and I had to do it to save myself from getting more deeply involved, ergo, more deeply hurt. I still pine for him- but I made sure to sabotage things well enough so it wouldn't be possible to reconcile. I hope you feel better. I would just be honest with her and then cease the contact. She's half a country away, flip flopping back and forth...still pining for an ex. You have to protect your own feelings now. I'd let her keep the earrings because they were a gift given with sincerity- and also accepted with sincerity. Clean break.
Author caesar_d Posted March 5, 2008 Author Posted March 5, 2008 I'd say let her keep what you gave her.... and just be honest about not being able to keep having contact with her when you are both obviously moving in different directions and that it's screwing with your feelings a bit. So, I called her back and told her to keep them. She started to cry a bit and said it wasn't right and she wanted to give them back to me. Eventually, we agreed she should keep them. I want her to. It was a pretty emotional moment. I know I probably should've done it via text, but I felt that it was something to do at least over the phone, due to our distance. The rest of the convo was generic with the how was your day stuff and then that was it. For some reason, the anxiety I've been having went away while I was talking with her. I guess I have to just keep busy so I don't have time to think about all this?? Yes, I have to re-iterate that at 21 she doesn't have the emotional maturity to maintain a relationship in the same way you might be able to. Take it from me- dating men far younger.... they just haven't hit their stride in life. At 21 I had no clue. None whatsoever. OMG!! So, now being more 'mature', and as a woman, do you see the choices/decisions/thoughts you had as a 21 year old were totally different/unrealistic than you view them now? I guess where I'm going with this is: she made this decision now. Perhaps she may feel differently later in life? Trust me when I say I'm not going to linger/wait/etc., but I'm just curious to understand. I know that as a guy now 30, that I'm pretty much the same as I was at 21, but more rational and tolerant. Definitely more experienced with life and how to handle situations/people, but overall still have the same beliefs, etc. I hope you feel better. I would just be honest with her and then cease the contact. She's half a country away, flip flopping back and forth...still pining for an ex. You have to protect your own feelings now. THANK YOU so much for the encouraging words. Along with the slapping around, I definitely needed some words of encouragement. I know there are other fish in the sea. It's just that this fish was one that I really savored for the time we had. Guess that's why they say, 'fools rush in'. =)
Author caesar_d Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 It's been a while since I posted and have found some peace with the issue and stumbled upon new information. First off, I have not had any contact with her since the last post. The last conversation was to tell her to keep the earrings, and then her updating me on whatever she was doing and me being slightly detached. I think this was a good move, as she has since stopped calling and texting. Now, the new information....turns out that she wasn't moving to be with her girlfriends after all and still living in the same place! I broke the rule of complete no contact, and saw her myspace updates! AND, she hasn't been on the East Coast as she said, but doing whatever here on the West Coast!! LIES! I'm not sure how to interpret this. I know we started out apart as it was, and is this just her way of 'chickening out' and instead of breaking up in person, just to do it over the phone?? Scared that this was something real, but again, due to trust issues, figured it'd be the easiest(immature) way to deal with us?? I can't help but feel really really cheated here. Speaking of cheating, based on the profile, there is no other guy....I thought I was doing well, but now there are all these questions in my head!
AussieJack Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 and saw her myspace updates! AND, she hasn't been on the East Coast as she said, but doing whatever here on the West Coast!! LIES! I'm not sure how to interpret this. One lie like this one is enough - lying goes to character or lack of it. MY rule #5 about women and their words vs actions..." The greater truth is in their behavior ."
Mary3 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Valentine's Day just brings out the best in everyone. Some background info first. I live in L.A., and met my girlfriend 4 months ago while traveling for work in San Francisco. We hit it off and started a long distance relationship. She's 21 and still in school and I'm 30 and working. She was able to visit 1-2 times a month for a week at a time, and I'd be there for a few days the other weeks. The first 3 months were amazing and we both agreed we never felt such an intense connection as we had. Hours and hours on the phone getting to know each other were spent when we weren't together, and the times together were even more intense. Last I saw her was middle of January after she came for 2 weeks for Christmas. Bombshell #1: She went to visit girlfriends one weekend and suddenly decided that she was going to move in with them. Obviously having fun, she didn't get too many chances to talk as much as we had. She'll be even further away from me. Bombshell #2: A family member is ill and she flew out to the East Coast with her mother to support. She says she'll be out there for the month of February and maybe March. Throughout our time together, my feelings became stronger and I entertained the thought of moving to be closer to her. I choose the day after Valentine's Day to gauge where we're at. Turns out she's been thinking about it too. She's still attracted to me, but thinks we were meant to be with other people. There are differences in our personalities(ex: she's a Republican, I'm a Democrat) that she would not want either of us to compromise on and doesn't believe people should change themselves for a mate. The points she made about our differences show immaturity where little things seem to matter, but in the long run do not. On top of it, she says she believes she and her ex were meant to be(even though he's now married). This is a guy she dated(and was going to marry) when she was 15-19 and said she is still not over him. She said there's absolutely no other guy, "it's not you, it's me", wants us to be friends and still talk on the phone as we normally do because we do click so well. Is there any point in trying to convince her otherwise? We had such an intense beginning and depth of feelings. Depth that she claims she thought was there in the moment, but now after thinking about it, was not there. Is this just her being scared that we really can achieve a real meaningful relationship? I know she's only 21 and idealistic, but I really feel we have something that others would be envious of and I looked so hard to find. An amazing friendship and understanding made our physical attraction even that much more intense. As quickly as I found it, it's quickly trying to go away. I know we have a bunch of obstacles in the way, like her age, the distance, her ex, but I feel we can over-come them together. Am I being idealistic too? May I say that there were MANY things in this original post here that I read ( without looking at the last one you just wrote ) that she was pulling away LONG before she told you. When she said she was going to be moving in and be busy with friends means : I am going to to be too busy to try and be with you , I don't feel you are that important to spend time with. The ill family member : Whether true or not . Means : I am going to create something , like an ill family member , so I can tell you I am too involved with something else so I don't have to be around you. Her words : We are meant to be with other people MEANS just that ! She feels she needs to be with someone else. For her to drag you in delay mode by saying " Oh maybe for awhile I need to be away from you " Just means I don't want to hurt your feelings and I will keep you in hold mode. Its me , its not you . That means its YOU. It is you. She does not want to be with you. If you ever hear that in the future from a female , thats what it means. The lying thing : There ya go. You found out on your OWN. Time to NC all the way ! I mean NC NC NC !
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