Will she come back?

[dmb05]

Hey everone, my girlfriend of 2.5 years just left me and I feel completely lost. I loved this girl with all that I was and still do. Here's the story:

 

We got together towards the end of her junior year in high school. I had just started college then. We dated for about 2 months, and I let my friends talk me in to breaking up with her just because they didnt like her. Shallow I know. Well we ended up getting back together a few months later and we were in a band together at church. Long story short, she got kicked out for really stupid reasons and I stayed in the band and we broke up because of that. She told me she hated me, never wanted to see me again, would never date me again, all that stuff. I realized that I was letting people control my life and I was done with it so I wanted her back for good.

 

Her mom said she didnt want me talking to her, and the girl didnt want to talk to me either. I finally ended up sending a card to her mom and apologizing to the girl and told her I had fallen in love with her and I knew I wanted to be with her for good. We ended up working things out and that was last May in 07. Everything was great. Her family loved me, and so did she. She had really been hinting at a promise ring and getting engaged when she moved to the city I go to college at now. She will be finishing the last 2 years of her college here.

 

Now like everyone, we had our fair share of arguments. She would get mad at me for not calling at certain times, she got mad at some of the stuff I bought (cd's, drums, computer games) and we argued a lot about that. She also didnt' like for me to have friends that were girls and was always really jealous. I always assured her she had nothing to worry about and I'd never cheat on her.

 

Well, she's been going to a different church on Wednesday nights for the past few months and one of her new best friends happens to be a guy. She talks about him a lot and I noticed one night 2 weeks ago she left him a message on his facebook saying she wanted him to call her so they could talk about what was on each other's minds. I told her that I didn't like that should could give her # out to her guy friends, but she got mad at me for even having a friend that was a girl. We had a big argument about that. Then she would call me, and tell me I was being snappy with her when I know I wasnt, almost like she was trying to pick fights.

 

Well she was still hinting at a promise ring 2 weeks ago. My birthday was a week and a half ago and she went all out for it and told me I was going to have a lot more birthdays as long as I stayed with her and she loved me, all the sweet/loving stuff.

 

Then, out of nowhere, she calls me one day and says she doesnt want to be with me anymore. She said she hadn't been in love with me for the past month or so and she just didn't know how to tell me but she finally had to. I was crushed. She said she wants us to still be friends, but I of coruse cant and it made her mad that I can't be her friend. I contacted her once or twice and I know I shouldn't. She said I need to stop trying because we'll never be again. Sunday I had to give some of her stuff back at church, and she jus kinda stopped when I gave it back to her as if she wanted me to say something to her, and she then finally said bye I guess.

 

I got an email yesterday from her telling me she missed talking to me and I was the best boyfriend she ever had and ever will have, but she had to do this for her and wants me to understand and not hate her. I told her I still couldnt talk to her anymore, but if she ever wanted to work things out, I'd be here because I love her. She's been talking to this "friend" of hers and it seems like they are flirting. She's in college now and he's still a sr. in high school though. He's TOTALLY opposite of the kind of guy she wants. He will treat her like crap and is a guy that will cheat on her. I just wish she could see she had someone that loved her and would do anything for her.

 

Anyways, I miss her a LOT and would do anything to have her back. I keep thinking the NC will make her start to miss what she had and maybe she'll come back to me. Her parents called me and told me they missed me, and that they think she made a huge mistake by getting rid of the best guy she could ever ask for. I really feel that this was the girl I wanted to eventually marry. She always told me the same. I just hope somehow she comes back and we can work things out. But the way she talks, she makes it seems like she'll never want to be with me again, but she says stuff she doesn't mean a lot of times. Should I hang on, or just give up and move on? Thanks

Edited February 18, 2008 by dmb05

[Miyamoto]

If you're about to go to college, can I just say from the other side...

 

Don't bring sand to the beach, my friend. You'll thank me at the end of your 4 year orgy.

[dmb05]

Well I guess I should have mentioned........I am in my 3rd year of college. She is in her first. I just turned 21 and she's about to be 20. She will be coming to the same city but different college next fall.

 

She was just so perfect to me and we had such great times together. If we would just sit down and talk about our problems, I think we could work them out. Everytime we argued, she would just get mad and hang up on me and that made me mad. We never went to bed mad at each other though, we always talked stuff out. I guess she just didn't want to argue anymore.

 

I just don't understand how 2 weeks ago with her wanting me to get her a promise ring to show my commitment to her, she can just leave like this. She said I was the one guy she always wanted to be with and she was so glad to finally have me. It sucks now to not have that someone calling just to see how your day is going, or have that person to go places with.

 

Most of my friends are way off at different colleges, so that makes it hard to be able to go out and do stuff. We did everything together and now everything I do reminds me of her. I just pray she realizes she may have made a mistake and comes back!

[dmb05]

She also says she knows she did the right thing because she doesn't feel bad over all of this. The other 2 times we broke up, she was devastated. The 2nd time though, she did this same thing. She said she wasn't ever coming back to me, she didnt love me anymore, all this crap, and then she comes back more in love than ever. That is why it's making me think all she needed was some time apart to see how much she will miss me or want to be with me and just wants to be sure? She's one of these people that has to be 100% certain on things, so I dunno.

 

But, the other part of me beleives her and thinks she never wants a relationship with me again. I just find it hard to beleive after she wanted me for SO long and stopped at nothing to try to get me. I think this break up is either a big test, or is the real thing. It will either make us or break us. I just can't let go over her though. The last thing I said to her, was that if she's not happy with me, then I understand. I told her if she ever wanted to work things out, that I would be here for her like she was always there for me and I loved her. I've been doing NC ever since so hopefully it will work and she'll realize she wants to be with me.

[Miyamoto]

Well, you may be the storybook exception to ALL the rules...she may realize that she loves you again and come back... it would make quite a story...

 

Well, what are you doing with your days? Are you meeting people or just kind of staying stagnant? College doesn't ever repeat itself...it's never going to be easier than it is now to form lifetime friendships, connections, and meet all kinds of people...the world just kind of "compartmentalizes" after college...

 

So if you insist on waiting on her, just make sure you're not dampening your college experience.

 

I hold by what I say though...you need to start the healing process now because she's not sure, and you're talking Forever, which is probably scary to her. You both need time to grow. And not days or weeks. Real time. It's hard. It's hard to even say it, because I just wish sometimes that whole search would be over, and I could find that One, or just be with my most recent ex, and just have that part of my life settled.

 

That's not how most life works though. You might be the storybook exception.

 

Other perspectives?

[s_n_d]

Sounds to me like she doesnt know what she wants in her life.

 

I feel like my breakup with my ex is some kind of test too sometimes.

[dmb05]

She's always thought we'd be this 'storybook" couple. We've had a lot of ups and downs and have always stuck together until now. She is the one started talking about being with me forever in the first place. My roomate and I are going out tonight to eat. My campus isn't a very sociable campus. I do have some friends, and we usually watch tv shows or play video games together.

 

I told her I'd always be here for her, because she's always been there for me, and never given up on me, and thought the effort and everything was sweet and loving. I'm not just sitting here waiting day by day, and I'm trying to move on, but I just dont want to let go forever. I'm doing stuff with my roomate, studying, playing online games with my friends that are at other schools. I just still think that she may be like me and realize she made a huge mistake. She loves being loved, and having people show they love her. Maybe now that she doesn't have that, she'll realize what she's missing. However, she just says after 3 times, she doesn't think it's worth it anymore and won't want to be with me again. It's honestly VERY hard to tell if she's just testing me or if she means it.

Edited February 18, 2008 by dmb05

[Miyamoto]

What did you do to get "tested" so much? Did you cheat or not show her attention at some point?

[dmb05]

Plus, she is the one who has always said if you love someone, you don't just give up this easily. You fight for that person. I told her if anything ever came up between us, I'd fight for her, and she told me to always keep that word, so I'm trying.

 

I don't want to push her or make her mind up for her though, so thats why I'm doing the No contact. I just wish she would realize she has the guy who will love and care for her, be there for her through anything. That is after all what she always wanted me to be, and now that I've been that, it's like she doesn't want me anymore.

 

We go to the same church as well. I play the drums and she usually sings on the worship team. Well, this Sunday, she didn't sing and sat with her mom and kept looking at me while I played the drums. She looked sad, or mad the entire service so it made me think she may have realized it, but then I got the email of her missing me but wanting me to just be her friend. Hopefully she will just realize what she had!!

[dmb05]

What did you do to get "tested" so much? Did you cheat or not show her attention at some point?

 

Sometimes I wouldn't call at a certain time. Like when I got back to college, she always wanted me to call her and let her know I made it. Well, I would sometimes wait until I got my things unloaded out of my car before I'd call her and she'd get mad at that. When I first broke up with her twice, she didn't think I was serious about our relationship and had to "prove" that I was. She told me she knew I had changed and loved me and wanted to be with me for good and she was glad that I felt the same way. We just argued over little stupid stuff and she said that's why she left. I never cheated on her or even thought about it.

 

She also said she just hadn't been feeling the relationship the past month. I asked her why she was soooo lovey dovey and doing everything for me, and she said she was confused at the time but now she isn't and this is what she wants.

 

I'm just hoping that this IS a test to see if I really love her and will stick with her. I don't want to picture life without her because it sucks already. I can barely eat and can't sleep at all. But then again, maybe she is really serious. I just don't know.

[dmb05]

Another thing is that the guy she has been "really good friends" with and calling, is somewhat of a friend of mine as well. I've been thinking about asking him if they are talking or whatever because I was trying to work things out, but that would be a bad idea right?

[Miyamoto]

These would be the same feelings that older people experience in marriages, that I've asked...

 

People I've asked with successful marriages say that it wasn't the love that kept them together, but the friendship and communication. If you're talking forever, then yes, both of you will fall in and out of love many times, just like now.

 

In that way, this is a "test." However, she is running all over you with her emotions. Do you do the same? If so, you're on even ground. But if it's just her all the time controlling the relationship, that's not healthy. You said you broke up with her twice before. Seems pretty even.

[dmb05]

Yeah I broke up with her twice, but I let people talk me into it and I wasnt in love with her then. After breaking up a second time, I realized I was madly in love with her and I didn't care about what people said. She cried because she was so happy. She was also saying then that she didn't know if she could ever be with me again because I hurt her so much and she didn't want to go through that again. She told me however, she didn't have to have people influence her and this break up was what she wanted for her life. She said she's not going to say NEVER, because she said we could possibly end up together, but right now, she can't see herself back with me again.

 

We ended up staying together since last May up until a week and a half ago. She kept saying she didn't want to have to wait 8 years for me to marry her like she had to wait just for me to ask her out. We just talked about it every now and then and she ALWAYS insisted on getting her a promise ring.

 

But yeah, I did break up with her twice and she came back both times when she said she would never come back to me. This is the only time she's ever thought about being with out me, so maybe she's just confused and needs time to "make sure". I know she says she doesn't think we aren't meant to be, but I said the same things when I broke up with her. I just wish I knew what was really going on in her mind and words. Oh well, she knows how I feel and knows I am here for her. It's up to her I guess.

 

She knows she was loved though. I did TONS of stuff for her that she loved. Her family has a HUGE influence on her as well, and they really don't approve of her decision. She's always really kinda listened to her mom about things. Not entirely, but there's a big influence. Maybe her mom can talk some sense into her.

Edited February 18, 2008 by dmb05

[dmb05]

Well she contacted me! I deleted all of her comments on my facebook, and I deleted the ones I posted on hers. She sent me a message this morning saying:

 

I see you deleted all of my comments, oh well, I just want you to know I still care....

 

What does that mean? Should I Keep going No Contact? Is she starting to regret what she did, or does she jus still want to be friends you think? Thanks!

[twice_shy]

I got an email yesterday from her telling me she missed talking to me and I was the best boyfriend she ever had and ever will have, but she had to do this for her and wants me to understand and not hate her. I told her I still couldnt talk to her anymore, but if she ever wanted to work things out, I'd be here because I love her. She's been talking to this "friend" of hers and it seems like they are flirting. She's in college now and he's still a sr. in high school though. He's TOTALLY opposite of the kind of guy she wants. He will treat her like crap and is a guy that will cheat on her.

 

Doesn't surprise me in the least. Girls/women seem to go for that type of guy. Forget the fact that they are players, would possibly cheat on them, treat them like crap. If they are good looking and have that bad boy image, thats all that counts. Until they end up being played by them. THEN all of a sudden they come to the realization they were aholes.

 

 

Anyways, I miss her a LOT and would do anything to have her back.

 

Why? She is calling you up, toying with your emotions, telling you things you love to hear, all the while she is messing around with some bad boy.

 

Why do you want someone like that? She must be really hot or something, because she is definitely lacking in the decency area.

 

 

I keep thinking the NC will make her start to miss what she had and maybe she'll come back to me. Her parents called me and told me they missed me, and that they think she made a huge mistake by getting rid of the best guy she could ever ask for.

 

Thought you said her parents didn't like you? Maybe they saw that you weren't so bad after all now that she is seeing a player.

 

 

I really feel that this was the girl I wanted to eventually marry. She always told me the same. I just hope somehow she comes back and we can work things out. But the way she talks, she makes it seems like she'll never want to be with me again, but she says stuff she doesn't mean a lot of times. Should I hang on, or just give up and move on? Thanks

 

I know you think you love her, and for some crazy reason you just might.

 

But she is stringing you along. She is keeping you as a backup plan in case her fun times with a bad boy come to a halt.

 

Again, why would you want someone like that? I think you should move on. I know it probably hurts and you think to yourself that you won't find anyone that compares to her, but someone is out there. Go find her.

 

Let your ex have her bad boy and don't be there for her when he does exactly what you know he will do, and what she probably thinks will happen, but doesn't care at the moment.

 

Move on my man. There are better girls out there.

[dmb05]

Well her parents didnt like me after the first 2 breakups, but then they saw that I really changed and saw that I would take care of this girl and love her.

 

I still don't know what to do about what she sent me today. She still cares? Is that just friendly talk, or is she regretting it now? I haven't sent her back anything yet.

[dmb05]

I think I'm just going to ignore her her message. If she REALLY wants to work things out and talk, I think she'd call.

 

Heck when I broke her heart, she wouldnt talk to me and refused to listen to anything I had to say. I finally called and left her a message one day telling her I had to talk to her and it was very important. If she wants me back bad enough, she can do the same. A simple facebook message I dont think is gonna cut it

[dmb05]

Well, last nite we ended up talking. She basically told me everything was my fault for how we broke up, and she just wasnt in love with me anymore. She said she couldn't be with someone who loved drums, music, and other stuff I like so much. She said I was dumb for getting so attatched to her. But, she is the one who helped me get that way. Her actions and her words showed she wanted me forever. I wanted it to and was very dedicated to her. She found out that I have been in contact with an ex girlfriend of mine who is a very good friend of mine now. We aren't attracted to each other anymore and talk just as friends. Well, my ex got mad at me for talking to her and hung up on me.

 

She called back and I told her if she could go to talking to another guy the next day and flirting with him, she couldn't get mad at me anymore for talking to an ex from 4 years ago. She said that she IS 19 and being 19, flirting is what you do when you're not with someone. That just pissed me off. It's like she went from being so in love and not wanting any other guy one day to flirting with a new guy the day after we broke up. I honestly feel she's been "toying" with him the past month and just hasn't said anything to me. and I told her not to ever contact me again. I told her I didn't want to be her friend and she got mad at that.

 

So with that, I'm not fully over her yet, but I do NOT want her back after I saw how immature she is about stuff. My other ex from 4 years ago said she has a friend she wants me to meet and she thinks we would be good together. We added each other on facebook but haven't talked yet. I'm not sure I want to start any kind of relationship right now, so I'll just see how that goes.

[Cannondale]

Well, last nite we ended up talking. She basically told me everything was my fault for how we broke up, and she just wasnt in love with me anymore. She said she couldn't be with someone who loved drums, music, and other stuff I like so much. She said I was dumb for getting so attatched to her. But, she is the one who helped me get that way. Her actions and her words showed she wanted me forever. I wanted it to and was very dedicated to her. She found out that I have been in contact with an ex girlfriend of mine who is a very good friend of mine now. We aren't attracted to each other anymore and talk just as friends. Well, my ex got mad at me for talking to her and hung up on me.

 

She called back and I told her if she could go to talking to another guy the next day and flirting with him, she couldn't get mad at me anymore for talking to an ex from 4 years ago. She said that she IS 19 and being 19, flirting is what you do when you're not with someone. That just pissed me off. It's like she went from being so in love and not wanting any other guy one day to flirting with a new guy the day after we broke up. I honestly feel she's been "toying" with him the past month and just hasn't said anything to me. and I told her not to ever contact me again. I told her I didn't want to be her friend and she got mad at that.

 

So with that, I'm not fully over her yet, but I do NOT want her back after I saw how immature she is about stuff. My other ex from 4 years ago said she has a friend she wants me to meet and she thinks we would be good together. We added each other on facebook but haven't talked yet. I'm not sure I want to start any kind of relationship right now, so I'll just see how that goes.

 

My ex gf did the same thing, hooked up with another guy not even a week after we broke up. I realize now that she is just very, very insecure and bec. of this needs a guy with her 24/7 otherwise she is miserable. It still bugs me at times, but hey, it's her loss and the same goes for you situation. It's your ex-gf's loss. But good luck with the new girl man!