Am I really ready move on?

[whichwayisup]

They are, you're right.

 

Perhaps this is premature... but how do I know I'm ready? When I stop asking if I am?

 

You're so cute...

 

Well, review this again in 3 months..That is, when you start doing NC with the ex. He cannot be your friend, be in your life at all. Sadly, you need to cut ties with him, atleast until you stop loving and caring about him in the sense of bf/gf and relationship. MAYBE one day once you don't see him in the light you see him in now, you could be casual buddy's...

 

You'll know when the time is right, you'll just feel it. Some guy will turn your head and make your heart skip a beat and you won't think of your ex, your pain or anything - You'll be feeling excited and wanting this new guy..That's when you know.

[curiousnycgirl]

I fully intend on telling him the source of my position.

 

Cute but not the intent. The intent is that you live your life which includes having plans, place to go, people to see - so tell him you have another committment and mean it!

 

I would never recommend lying, so it better be the truth

[scratch]

You bring it up, ask me to respond, tell me to drop it. How is that constructive?

 

Please stay on-topic or I'll report your posts. Thanks.

 

We have several misunderstandings here. First of all, when I said to drop it, I was specifically referring to your continued disparaging of Fray. I don't say this because I disagree with your points about her (I express no opinion about it), but because you choose to comment on it then accuse those who disagree with you of cluttering the thread. That's hypocritical.

 

Second, my reference to constructiveness was in response to curiousnycgirl. That's why I referenced her before the sentence (CNYC).

 

Third, I find it highly amusing that you threaten me with tattling because I posted off topic, but not before attempting to have the last word on that very tangent. That's not a very nice way to share a sandbox.

[Star Gazer]

That's not a very nice way to share a sandbox.

 

This thread is my sandbox. I'll share it as I see fit.

[Star Gazer]

Cute but not the intent. The intent is that you live your life which includes having plans, place to go, people to see - so tell him you have another committment and mean it!

 

I would never recommend lying, so it better be the truth

 

I'd never tell a lie...

[scratch]

This thread is my sandbox. I'll share it as I see fit.

 

I generally find your behavior on this forum to be self-involved, myopic and hypocritical.

 

Damn, I'm good.

[fray718]

Ok everyone, I'm sorry that this thread has gone off topic for a bit because of me. I only drew the comparisons because SG and I have had convos before where I asked her how it felt like since she pretty much said she's been in my bf's shoes and I've been in her exes shoes. Alot of this was done via PMs so maybe that is why to everyone else these comparisons seem so randomly placed into this thread. But then again, aren't alot of good advice given based on personal experiences? I was just applying my personal experience to the opinions I was giving to this thread. I'm sorry if what I said was harsh but it is only because to me they are truths. I must admit I was very put off by how SG said that my bf should take the advice I gave her -- I thought that was a very untrue statement which is why I had to set that part straight, which might have led to some things said in which people on this thread thought to be inappropriate. If you read my response to JB, you will see exactly what I mean. For what it's worth, I was just giving what I thought would be helpful advice to SG. Honestly SG if you don't take me seriously, I will respect your decision and never post in your threads again. Just let me know. Thanks.

[fray718]

Damn, I'm good.

 

I agree with you, and you're much better at hitting it on the spot!

[Star Gazer]

Honestly SG if you don't take me seriously, I will respect your decision and never post in your threads again. Just let me know. Thanks.

 

I thought I already did? Not only in this thread, but others.

 

So let me be clear. You're wasting your time posting to me, because I'm not going to listen to anything you have to say. I simply do not respect your opinion. Your very next post after this one is further reason why you're not interested in giving constructive advice, but only to act childishly. So yeah, don't bother posting in my threads.

[Star Gazer]

Ok everyone, I'm sorry that this thread has gone off topic for a bit because of me. I only drew the comparisons because SG and I have had convos before where I asked her how it felt like since she pretty much said she's been in my bf's shoes and I've been in her exes shoes. Alot of this was done via PMs so maybe that is why to everyone else these comparisons seem so randomly placed into this thread. But then again, aren't alot of good advice given based on personal experiences? I was just applying my personal experience to the opinions I was giving to this thread. I'm sorry if what I said was harsh but it is only because to me they are truths. I must admit I was very put off by how SG said that my bf should take the advice I gave her -- I thought that was a very untrue statement which is why I had to set that part straight, which might have led to some things said in which people on this thread thought to be inappropriate. If you read my response to JB, you will see exactly what I mean. For what it's worth, I was just giving what I thought would be helpful advice to SG. Honestly SG if you don't take me seriously, I will respect your decision and never post in your threads again. Just let me know. Thanks.

 

Also - I've never PM'd with you. I wouldn't bother.

 

And yes, again - I'm in your BF's shoes, and he's in mine. He SHOULD follow the advice you're giving me and drop you like a hot potato.

 

That all having been said, Fray - stop talking about YOU YOU YOU in MY threads. The next post you make in THIS THREAD (or any of my other threads) that is not DIRECTLY ON-TOPIC to the SUBJECT of the THREAD will be reported. Not one of your posts have been on-topic yet, it's been all about YOU YOU YOU. So quit it. Thanks.

[Star Gazer]

I crack myself up, you guys. This whole thing might be pointless...

 

I called him yesterday (he called me the first two times), and he hasn't returned my call yet. Oh well...

[jerbear]

I crack myself up, you guys. This whole thing might be pointless...

 

I called him yesterday (he called me the first two times), and he hasn't returned my call yet. Oh well...

 

Mop, ready, mop, ready... :lmao:

 

Again... women!!!!! Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em! :rolleyes:

[Star Gazer]

Good grief. Now his game playing will resort to dangling jealousy bait. How juvenile and transparent.

 

I think this is reason enough to substantiate why it isn’t always a good idea to remain “buddies” with an ex. Especially one you still have lingering feelings for. You have to get to a place where you feel completely ambivalent towards them before you can become their friendly confidant and not feel bothered by the information they decide to share with you. It just isn’t a genuine “friendship” in the true sense of the word where you feel happy to exchange experiences and want to truly support each other in your present and future relationships ... without having to fake it.

 

As far as moving on SG, it’s absolutely doable! For me, I’ve always found it easier to consider each new person as potential friend rather than a potential relationship partner. Keeps you from becoming too hopeful OR too disappointed. Where it goes from there is anyone’s guess. Might happen, might not. Either way, the time to worry about getting too attached to someone isn’t before it happens ... rather save the panicking for when and if it happens.

 

Besides, I think you’ve handled everything A-Okay so far even though I know it can get really confusing sometimes. And the more you do it, the more relaxed and nonchalant you’ll feel about it. And I’m with the others ... don’t shut down or change who you are while trying to be more cautious and careful with your heart. Being warm, soft-hearted, sometimes vulnerable, and open to other people is all a part of what makes you so beautiful and unique. And for guys who are usually intimidated by attractive women ... it makes you all that more approachable. You don’t ever want to lose that aspect of yourself.

 

Good Luck! ... (Although I know you already have more than enough to go around )

 

Enigma - sorry, I missed your post!!

 

You're probably right about the friends/buddies thing. I'd give myself the same advice. It's just so hard. I don't want to hear what he's up to romantically, and I don't think I could feel comfortable sharing that with him either. We share the boring stuff. Thing is, he IS supportive about everything else in my life, so I don't want to go NC completely. Hopefully, with time, I'll learn to move on and be able to share it all with him. Who knows. At this point, it's all wishful thinking. BUT I have managed to do it with at least three ex's...it just took a while.

 

As for moving on - my biggest challenge is not getting my hopes up. I always do. Always. I'm gonna have to keep my hopes in check.

[sb129]

You know, when I first joined LS I had recently ended a R that was very very bad for me. I had tried to end this R several times, and falied bc the ex was quite good at manipulating me back into it - and I allowed myself to be manipulated. Finally it got to the point where i would have lost my best friend if I had stayed in the R, and I had to get out.

 

One of my very first threads was regarding how after we split up the ex found me on a few dating sites, and went totally crazy about it, writing me abusive emails/ letters etc. I had joined the dating sites as a way to boost my confidence and remind myself that I wasn't the only single person in the world.

When I first joined them I didn't really expect to meet anyone in person, although I did eventually meet Wonderboy, who I am now engaged to.

 

I remember in one of those first threads on here that someone asked me if I had "let go of the first branch before I grabbed the second one"- and I had, but realised that it was a very valid question. I also was forced to see a few sides of the argument that I hadn't considered- thanks LS!

 

When I met WB, I thought- is it too soon? Maybe I should have some more time on my own? I knew absolutely that I was over the ex though, the immense sense of relief I felt when we finally split for good was testament to that. I knew that I did NOT want to go back.

 

I also thought- this guy (WB) is a great guy, I want to get to know him better, and if nothing happens, then I know that I will be fine as a singleton. I may even gain a new friend out of it.

 

Another good thing for WB and I is that initially our R was a LDR- so we were limited to phone calls/ emails and only really saw eachother in person every few weeks, so "taking it slow" was the only option. Given the circumstances, it was ideal for me- I had the excitement of meeting someone new, but had to deal with myself and being alone when we weren't together.

 

And the rest is history........

 

SG- I think you should meet this guy, keep it casual, and see where things go. Knowing that there are other people out there and that being single is OK is a big step forwards in getting over the ex.

As you say, just try not to get your hopes up too much... but you never know what the future holds.

Your ex is now part of your past- you should move on how you see fit!

[Walk]

Finally it got to the point where i would have lost my best friend if I had stayed in the R, and I had to get out.

 

SG- I think you should meet this guy, keep it casual, and see where things go. Knowing that there are other people out there and that being single is OK is a big step forwards in getting over the ex.

As you say, just try not to get your hopes up too much... but you never know what the future holds.

Your ex is now part of your past- you should move on how you see fit!

 

I think there's a fundamental difference in where you were at after your break up and where SG is at in her's. You ended it with your bf. It was your decision (it was a decision that required action). I don't believe SG will be ready to move on until she has made the decision that she doesn't want to go back. And I haven't seen her make that decision. She shows small incidents of not wanting to be involved with her bf's life.. like not asking who he was having dinner with. But I'm not convinced she's made the final decision yet to cut him from her love life.

 

Until SG makes that decision and puts it into action, then she's just using the next guy to salve over the wounds her ex has created.

 

I think it'd probably be better, SG, if you talked to a counselor about how you're feeling. Or if you're religious a pastor, or priest. But someone who could be there in person yet not impose their opinions or thoughts on you. Just someone to allow you to come to terms with what has happened, and would allow you to make a decision (and back it up) regarding the ex's ability to influence your feelings.

 

I also think its unfair to start a new relationship when you still have feelings for someone else. Unless you're saying that you have no intention of starting a relationship with this new guy? If its hanging out as friends and he knows that, then at least he's going into it with both eyes open. But to me, it seems as if you still have pretty strong feelings for your ex, and you haven't honestly let him go. Otherwise a VM wouldn't turn you into a moping mess.

[Lauriebell82]

I think there's a fundamental difference in where you were at after your break up and where SG is at in her's. You ended it with your bf. It was your decision (it was a decision that required action). I don't believe SG will be ready to move on until she has made the decision that she doesn't want to go back. And I haven't seen her make that decision. She shows small incidents of not wanting to be involved with her bf's life.. like not asking who he was having dinner with. But I'm not convinced she's made the final decision yet to cut him from her love life.

 

Until SG makes that decision and puts it into action, then she's just using the next guy to salve over the wounds her ex has created.

 

I think it'd probably be better, SG, if you talked to a counselor about how you're feeling. Or if you're religious a pastor, or priest. But someone who could be there in person yet not impose their opinions or thoughts on you. Just someone to allow you to come to terms with what has happened, and would allow you to make a decision (and back it up) regarding the ex's ability to influence your feelings.

 

I also think its unfair to start a new relationship when you still have feelings for someone else. Unless you're saying that you have no intention of starting a relationship with this new guy? If its hanging out as friends and he knows that, then at least he's going into it with both eyes open. But to me, it seems as if you still have pretty strong feelings for your ex, and you haven't honestly let him go. Otherwise a VM wouldn't turn you into a moping mess.

 

SG has a therapist who is helping her a lot..which is awesome! Anyway SG, I haven't gone back and read this whole thread but I know you are hesitant to cut ties with your ex. I know that you said that you want to talk to him because he is supportive of you, but if you are ever talking about you two in a more-than-friends sense then I don't think it's healthy. The fact that he sent you something for V-day is confusing and I don't think that's really appropriate. I know you feel connected to him still, but I don't think talking to him is going to help you move on..esp. since it's just talking on the phone. I mean you have other people in your life to support you..friends, family, therapist, us here on LS.

 

Don't get me wrong SG, I understand your reason to keep talking to him, and I know you still love and care for him but maybe you could start calling him/answering his calls less and less. Instead of doing immediate NC (which I agree is what you should really be doing) if you feel more comfortable phasing him out that could work too. But I guarantee if you keep talking to him (even about boring everyday life stuff) you aren't going to get over him, and he'll most likely continue to manipulate and confuse you further.

 

If you truly want to move on with your life-as well as a new guy-you need to cut ties with this guy, as hard as it will be to do that.

[Ruby]

I do not think you are ready to move on.

 

I believe you have ALOT of work to do on yourself before you get into another relationship.

 

You need to love you before you can expect anyone else to love you.

[Star Gazer]

You need to love you before you can expect anyone else to love you.

 

Believe it or not, I do love myself. The problem I have is much more ego and fantasy driven.

[Ariadne]

Sigh...

 

The advantages of being young, blond, and skinny...

 

She "just" broke up with her bf and she has men lining up, had a date already, and is talking to the other one.

 

I haven't had a date in a year... but then, I'm old, brown, and chubby.

 

Life is so not fair!

[sb129]

I think there's a fundamental difference in where you were at after your break up and where SG is at in her's. You ended it with your bf. It was your decision (it was a decision that required action). I don't believe SG will be ready to move on until she has made the decision that she doesn't want to go back. And I haven't seen her make that decision. She shows small incidents of not wanting to be involved with her bf's life.. like not asking who he was having dinner with. But I'm not convinced she's made the final decision yet to cut him from her love life.

 

Until SG makes that decision and puts it into action, then she's just using the next guy to salve over the wounds her ex has created.

 

I appreciate this, and recognise the differences. It wasn't easy at the time, and I am not 100% sure I would have had such strong resolve NOT to go back to my ex BF if I hadn't had someone much "better" come along.

Which is moot now, I guess, but still, it definitely made it easier to move on, and my current BF showed me almost instantly that what I had been putting up with prior to meeting him was not normal.

I guess I just got lucky.

 

I absolutely agree that SG needs to make the decision to cut the ex out of her life. I don't think for a moment that continuing contact with him, even under the guise of "friends" is healthy at all, in fact i have implored to her to stop contacting him thru LS, IM and PM!

 

I also think that leaping feet first into another relationship isn't necessarily the wisest idea. If she lets him know that she is recently out of a R, you are right, then at least HIS eyes are open, and its his call I guess. Which is why i suggested she keep it as casual as possible.

 

I am all for SG keeping an open mind about meeting new people....

[Jilly Bean]

I haven't had a date in a year... but then, I'm old, brown, and chubby.

 

That was too cute.

 

SG - like I said earlier, I really think breaking up is a process. It's very hard for most people to go NC 100%. I think we do a little going back and forth post-relationship, and that is just how it goes sometimes. Nothing wrong with that. I don't think you need to force yourself to go NC if you're not ready. Your break from him, as with anyone, will come in stages. Just like getting your feet wet again with dating new men is coming in baby steps.

 

I see nothing wrong with still having *some* contact with the ex, nor with dating someone new. You'll know emotionally when you are ready to close a door and open a new one.

[Star Gazer]

That was too cute.

 

SG - like I said earlier, I really think breaking up is a process. It's very hard for most people to go NC 100%. I think we do a little going back and forth post-relationship, and that is just how it goes sometimes. Nothing wrong with that. I don't think you need to force yourself to go NC if you're not ready. Your break from him, as with anyone, will come in stages. Just like getting your feet wet again with dating new men is coming in baby steps.

 

I see nothing wrong with still having *some* contact with the ex, nor with dating someone new. You'll know emotionally when you are ready to close a door and open a new one.

 

Thanks, JB.

 

My therapist said the same thing - that a breakup is a process, and not to beat myself up about how long it takes to move on. A little back and forth is inevitable, even if there was NC - my emotions would still go back and forth.

[Star Gazer]

I absolutely agree that SG needs to make the decision to cut the ex out of her life. I don't think for a moment that continuing contact with him, even under the guise of "friends" is healthy at all, in fact i have implored to her to stop contacting him thru LS, IM and PM!

 

You've certainly been trying!!

 

I also think that leaping feet first into another relationship isn't necessarily the wisest idea. If she lets him know that she is recently out of a R, you are right, then at least HIS eyes are open, and its his call I guess. Which is why i suggested she keep it as casual as possible.

 

I am all for SG keeping an open mind about meeting new people....

 

Don't worry. I'm not jumping into another relationship. I just want to date. I just don't know if I should even bother dating casually...

[blind_otter]

Well the problem with dating casually is that there is always a potential for that casual date to become more serious. And then what do you do, not ready to be in a relationship, but having already started dating guy in question? Well I suppose in that scenario you either jump in headfirst or you break guy in question's heart.

 

I mean, don't almost all serious relationships start off as casual dating?

 

just asking!

[xpaperxcutx]

Well the problem with dating casually is that there is always a potential for that casual date to become more serious. And then what do you do, not ready to be in a relationship, but having already started dating guy in question? Well I suppose in that scenario you either jump in headfirst or you break guy in question's heart.

 

I mean, don't almost all serious relationships start off as casual dating?

 

just asking!

True. But the she could always have group dates. Like have each other bring other friends long for a group outing. That way there be'll less of a chance for anything to develop.