sb129 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 He made a point of calling me yesterday and tell me he was getting ready to go out to dinner (4 hours prior?). Usually he volunteers the "who" part of his plans, but he didn't tell me who with. I just wished him a nice time. I think he had a date. :rolleyes: How obvious is that? Subtlety isn't his strong point is it? Well done for not digging, you said exactly the right thing.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Why haven't you closed the door on him yet? Be strong and just move on. He obviously doesn't care about you enough if he's doing this to you. Telling you he doesnt know is just a way to string you along. If he really does love and care for you, he wouldn't hurt you like this. I know that I've done wrong to my bf and hurt him before, but I really am trying hard not to do it again and which is why I"m still WITH him. Your ex is no longer with you because he doesnt want to be wiht you anymore. Accept it and move on. I know it sounds harsh but it really is the best thing to do in this situation. I've been in your shoes before and I'm glad I cut off contact wiht the ex. Sorry Fray, I just cannot take you seriously.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 IF you do date, keep it casual and light... How do I do this?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Sorry Fray, I just cannot take you seriously. there was a lot of truth to fray's words; is there a reason you refuse to take those kind of words seriously? or it really fray personally?
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 He made a point of calling me yesterday and tell me he was getting ready to go out to dinner (4 hours prior?). Usually he volunteers the "who" part of his plans, but he didn't tell me who with. I just wished him a nice time. I think he had a date. Good grief. Now his game playing will resort to dangling jealousy bait. How juvenile and transparent. I think this is reason enough to substantiate why it isn’t always a good idea to remain “buddies” with an ex. Especially one you still have lingering feelings for. You have to get to a place where you feel completely ambivalent towards them before you can become their friendly confidant and not feel bothered by the information they decide to share with you. It just isn’t a genuine “friendship” in the true sense of the word where you feel happy to exchange experiences and want to truly support each other in your present and future relationships ... without having to fake it. As far as moving on SG, it’s absolutely doable! For me, I’ve always found it easier to consider each new person as potential friend rather than a potential relationship partner. Keeps you from becoming too hopeful OR too disappointed. Where it goes from there is anyone’s guess. Might happen, might not. Either way, the time to worry about getting too attached to someone isn’t before it happens ... rather save the panicking for when and if it happens. Besides, I think you’ve handled everything A-Okay so far even though I know it can get really confusing sometimes. And the more you do it, the more relaxed and nonchalant you’ll feel about it. And I’m with the others ... don’t shut down or change who you are while trying to be more cautious and careful with your heart. Being warm, soft-hearted, sometimes vulnerable, and open to other people is all a part of what makes you so beautiful and unique. And for guys who are usually intimidated by attractive women ... it makes you all that more approachable. You don’t ever want to lose that aspect of yourself. Good Luck! ... (Although I know you already have more than enough to go around )
curiousnycgirl Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 As a result of that conversation, I realized that while he may not know what he wants, I do. He can't give me what I want, at least right now. Like I said, I'm not closing the door on him...yet. Basically, he's gotta act fast (and big). UGH you had me on your side until you wrote basically he's gotta act fast - NO, NO, NO. He simply can't change/grow up that fast. He may end up being a great guy for you, but he's got a whole heck of a lot of changing to do before then. In the meantime know that he won't give you what you need/want - and move on. I'm so impressed that you didn't dig (into the who), next time don't answer/return the call so soon, perhaps not at all. Clearly you are not ready to slam the door in his face, but you can most definitely slowly disengage from the ex.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 there was a lot of truth to fray's words; is there a reason you refuse to take those kind of words seriously? or it really fray personally? Her words are irrelevant here. First, she clearly didn't read anything I said in this thread. This entire thread is about me TRYING to move on and DECIDING to do so, and simply asking whether or not I should start dating again or work on myself. So rudely telling me to "accept it" is pointless. He hasn't decided anything here. I have. But more importantly, (as was discussed in another thread about disregarding certain posters' advice because of the positions they take) I just cannot take anything she says seriously. Period. Fray (as UNSTABLE and INCAPABLE of a relationship as SHE is in) has stubbornly decided not to end her unhealthy relationship with her BF just because she told herself she'd stick to it. She's in no position to judge my relationship and my life by comparing it against her own craziness, particularly when her very own boyfriend should be taking her own advice.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 UGH you had me on your side until you wrote basically he's gotta act fast - NO, NO, NO. He simply can't change/grow up that fast. He may end up being a great guy for you, but he's got a whole heck of a lot of changing to do before then. In the meantime know that he won't give you what you need/want - and move on. I'm so impressed that you didn't dig (into the who), next time don't answer/return the call so soon, perhaps not at all. Clearly you are not ready to slam the door in his face, but you can most definitely slowly disengage from the ex. Yeah... I didn't say that right. He's gotta act "fast and big" - and that's impossible. The type of change he needs to make for himself in order to even be capable of giving me what I want (notwithstanding also repairing the hurt he's caused) is waaaaaay too much to be able to do before I make my way into a relationship with someone else. Does that make sense? He can't run 5,000 miles in 5 minutes to get to me. In 5 minutes, I'll have boarded the next plane. I don't call him, I call him back. I know, little difference. But other than Saturday, I have not been initiating contact. That was my first step in disengaging from him. Baby steps, baby steps. But actually HOPING this new dude asks me out is a HUGE change from where I was a week ago (panicking over a guy asking me out...but perhaps it was just the wrong guy...).
fray718 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Her words are irrelevant here. First, she clearly didn't read anything I said in this thread. This entire thread is about me TRYING to move on and DECIDING to do so, and simply asking whether or not I should start dating again or work on myself. So rudely telling me to "accept it" is pointless. He hasn't decided anything here. I have. But more importantly, (as was discussed in another thread about disregarding certain posters' advice because of the positions they take) I just cannot take anything she says seriously. Period. Fray (as UNSTABLE and INCAPABLE of a relationship as SHE is in) has stubbornly decided not to end her unhealthy relationship with her BF just because she told herself she'd stick to it. She's in no position to judge my relationship and my life by comparing it against her own craziness, particularly when her very own boyfriend should be taking her own advice. I was just commenting on the part of the thread where you talked bout being friends with your ex. While this is not the main point of the thread, it is an area of concern I think for you. While I certainly have issues, so do you, and probably most people on this thread. But here we are all discussing each others issues. You can't deny that my words have no truth to them. The difference between your ex and me, is again that I'm still with my bf and your ex is no longer with you. If your ex was still with you, then that is a different story. But he is not. I can tell you with 99% certainty that I love my bf MUCH more than your ex loves you, if he ever even loved you in the first place. And the difference is that my bf and I promised each other that 'we are in this together, through both good and bad.' So your r/s with your ex can not be used for comparison with mine.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 The difference between your ex and me, is again that I'm still with my bf and your ex is no longer with you. If your ex was still with you, then that is a different story. But he is not. I can tell you with 99% certainty that I love my bf MUCH more than your ex loves you, if he ever even loved you in the first place. And the difference is that my bf and I promised each other that 'we are in this together, through both good and bad.' So your r/s with your ex can not be used for comparison with mine. You are so, so sad, it's ridiculous. YOU were the one who started this whole comparison thing; I was the one saying you can't compare your relationship to mine. You can't compare one crazy, unhealthy, unstable relationship (YOURS) to ANY other relationship and have the person you're talking to take YOU seriously. That said, my Ex said almost identical words...and look where we ended up, Fray. Words, even the big "L" word, mean NOTHING. If they did, you wouldn't keep dumping your BF. My Ex doesn't post here, so none of us really know how he feels about me - including you. It's rude and presumptuous to assume that you know how he feels. But I assure you that he does (er, did?) care, very much. YOU, on the other hand, don't even know what love is, Fray. You only know desperation and dependence. You've made that clear to everyone here. Let's get this back on topic, shall we? Thanks. So... Should I, or should I not, "get back out there"? In taking it slow, how exactly do I do that?
sb129 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Do things really need to descend into "I love my bf more than your ex loves you" type nee neer nee neer pot shots?
shadowplay Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) I vote for go for it. From the way you've described him this guy sounds like a catch, and catches don't come around too often. If you pass him up and he finds somebody else, you may always wonder "what if?" I read recently (maybe it was on here) that people regret the things they don't try more than the things they try and fail at. Makes sense. Just take it slow and see where it goes. By slow I mean not seeing him too frequently for awhile. And wait longer than usual before you sleep with him or make any kind of commitment. Make sure he knows it's not because you don't like him, but because you just had your heart broken. That will (hopefully) give you time to heal. Good luck, Star. Edited February 18, 2008 by shadowplay
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Do things really need to descend into "I love my bf more than your ex loves you" type nee neer nee neer pot shots? EXACTLY. That is PRECISELY why I cannot take anything she says seriously. It's one thing to provide past experience that one has actually learned from (which Fray has undoubtedly NOT) as a guidepost for advice, and quite another to aim below the belt as Fray has.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Just take it slow and see where it goes. By slow I mean not seeing him too frequently for awhile. And wait longer than usual before you sleep with him or make any kind of commitment. Make sure he knows it's not because you don't like him, but because you just had your heart broken. That will (hopefully) give you time to heal. Good luck, Star. I think I remember you telling me from the very beginning with Ex that I was seeing him too frequently (it was like 5 times a week - eek!). I just couldn't help myself at the time, I just wanted to soak him up. I had never done that before, and I think I was doing it because I was concerned that he'd leave. I wanted as much time with him as possible. Who knows what role that had, if any, in the demise of our relationship. But I do know that the end result of how I feel - I don't know what to do with myself sometimes! - isn't good. I don't want to find myself in that same position again. So what's "not too frequently"??
Jilly Bean Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Okay, this is an aside, but seems like we need a little more background. Ex and I were doing LDR, and then he ended it. However, despite ending the commitment, up until Saturday, we were talking multiple times a day, and he was behaving as though nothing had changed between us - even sent me stuff for V-Day. It was confusing as all get out. So on Saturday (also after having spoken to this other new guy twice), I initiated a conversation about where we were with one another because his behavior was confusing me. The conversation evolved into him being a selfish twit once again, completely ignoring my feelings. At first I thought, "OMG, he doesn't even want to be friends now!" and felt devastated all over again. By the end of the day, I had changed my train of thought to, "Hmm. This is not behavior of someone I want as a friend to begin with. He doesn't hold the power over the friend card." As a result of that conversation, I told him that while I was unable to shut the door to him at that very moment, it wouldn't always be open because I was going to move on with my life...including going out on dates. He knows me well enough to know that if/when he contacts me and I've moved on, he will not be able to sway me (for example, FireFighter contacted me about 3 weeks into this relationship, and it didn't have any impact at all). I haven't heard from him since. Granted, it's only been a day, but I usually would have received multiple calls from him by now. Ah, gotcha. Well, I think much like bonding with someone, letting go is also a process. Most break-ups have an on-again/off-again dynamic (for example, the baller and I are still seeing each other as the next day he fully recanted and wanted to continue on as if nothing happened, though I am holding him very distant these days and keeping my options open), and I had an ex that I lived with for 5 years and it took a year of back and forth to finally say goodbye. Nothing wrong with maintaining contact with the ex while you slowly move forward to new dating opportunities. Just take your time, but I still vote go for the new guy. Go into it viewing it as casual dating and not something that has to represent a huge blown-out affair again.
Jilly Bean Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I can tell you with 99% certainty that I love my bf MUCH more than your ex loves you, if he ever even loved you in the first place. This is not only the most childish thing I have ever read on here (or even personally written - lol), but one of the most unnecessary. Egads. Woman - retract those claws! This doesn't have to descend into a personal battle.
Florida Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Does intermittent reinforcement have any place in a relationship after the first month or 6? I really want to know! SG: You are ready. Just take heed to take it slow, because worst case scenario: You are vulnerable, you could rush in too fast and end with a double heartbreak in a very short period of time. Don't do rebound, it can be avoided by going slow. Time is on your side- keep to a schedule if need be. Shadow & curious could probably give more advice on specifics.
sunshinegirl Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Should I, or should I not, "get back out there"? In taking it slow, how exactly do I do that? Is it true that you have a pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship? If so, then I am going to vote "no" on going out with the new guy. This sounds like transference - ie you may get really hooked really fast on the new guy because you have a lot of leftover feelings from the old guy. *shrug* Why don't you try living life on your own for awhile? I have friends who have called 6 month or 1 year dating moritoriums, and it's really worked wonders for them...
fray718 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 EXACTLY. That is PRECISELY why I cannot take anything she says seriously. It's one thing to provide past experience that one has actually learned from (which Fray has undoubtedly NOT) as a guidepost for advice, and quite another to aim below the belt as Fray has. I think you miss the point. I broke up with my bf twice and they were one week apart. I never broke up with him before or after that. Basically the point I was trying to make is that if someone really loves you, then they'd prob still be with you unless there is a really good reason not to (like profound incompabitility or something). Your ex's reason was that he can not resist temptation with other girls. That's not a good reason and you are being disrespectful to yourself by still talking to him despite how he broke up with you for that reason.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Is it true that you have a pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship? Actually, no. But not for lack of trying! I mean, honestly, what helps me get over one guy is usually interest in (or from) another guy. Flirtation, a few dates, etc. But that obviously doesn't necessarily equate to being in a relationship. The last full-on boyfriend I had before this one ended back in May/June 2006. BF and I didn't start dating until September 2007. So that's quite a while as a singleton.
fray718 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 This is not only the most childish thing I have ever read on here (or even personally written - lol), but one of the most unnecessary. Egads. Woman - retract those claws! This doesn't have to descend into a personal battle. JB - This statement was only made in response to how SG said that my bf should take the same advice I gave her and this statement was not made to be mean but rather it is made because it is a fact that I think SG should realize. Does that make sense? If I was broken up with my bf right now then I think SG would be right in telling him to take the same advice, but difference is that we are not broken up.
shadowplay Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I think I remember you telling me from the very beginning with Ex that I was seeing him too frequently (it was like 5 times a week - eek!). I just couldn't help myself at the time, I just wanted to soak him up. I had never done that before, and I think I was doing it because I was concerned that he'd leave. I wanted as much time with him as possible. Who knows what role that had, if any, in the demise of our relationship. But I do know that the end result of how I feel - I don't know what to do with myself sometimes! - isn't good. I don't want to find myself in that same position again. So what's "not too frequently"?? I know, I have the same problem. When I first started dating my bf I wanted to "soak him up" and spend every last minute with him. I probably would have, but for the fact that I was forced to only see him on weekends for awhile because we were LD. That turned out to be a good thing. I think you, like me, are somebody who attaches fast when you're really into a guy. It usually takes longer for the guy to get to the same place. That's why less contact at the beginning is good because it gives them time for their feelings to catch up. If you dive in too fast, the guy may feel like he's being forced into the role of somebody in love before he's even gotten there. So it may feel unnatural and cause him to retreat. I'd say once a week is good at the very beginning, then twice-three times a week when things get more serious and you're fully committed. When we were long distance my bf and I would usually spend the whole weekend together (two nights, and 1 1/2 days) and not at all during the week. That seemed to work pretty well. But it also depends on how much you see him each time. Like if you spend the whole weekend together, then anything more might be too much. But if you only see each other for a few hours at a time, 4 times a week would be appropriate. Play it by ear. I think you'll know intuitively when it feels like too much too soon.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 I think you miss the point. I broke up with my bf twice and they were one week apart. I never broke up with him before or after that. Basically the point I was trying to make is that if someone really loves you, then they'd prob still be with you unless there is a really good reason not to (like profound incompabitility or something). Your ex's reason was that he can not resist temptation with other girls. That's not a good reason and you are being disrespectful to yourself by still talking to him despite how he broke up with you for that reason. No, I think YOU missed the point. You cannot compare YOUR UNHEALTHY, UNSTABLE, UNHAPPY relationship to ANYONE ELSE's, period. End of story. My Ex broke up with me not BECAUSE he was "tempted," but because he's not ready for a relationship. Not that you are in any position to judge what constitutes a "good enough reason" to break-up with someone (actually, your suggestion that you do know "good enough" reasons is LAUGHABLE), but the fact that he's not ready or capable of being in a relationship is a pretty damn good reason not to end the one he had with me. Temptation is purely a SYMPTOM of an unsuccessful relationship and an unhappiness within. Just as multiple break-ups and freaking out over every little detail is a SYMPTOM of the same.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I was just commenting on the part of the thread where you talked bout being friends with your ex. While this is not the main point of the thread, it is an area of concern I think for you. While I certainly have issues, so do you, and probably most people on this thread. But here we are all discussing each others issues. You can't deny that my words have no truth to them. The difference between your ex and me, is again that I'm still with my bf and your ex is no longer with you. If your ex was still with you, then that is a different story. But he is not. I can tell you with 99% certainty that I love my bf MUCH more than your ex loves you, if he ever even loved you in the first place. And the difference is that my bf and I promised each other that 'we are in this together, through both good and bad.' So your r/s with your ex can not be used for comparison with mine. Fray - You have crossed several lines here and your comments are completely inappropriate. No where on any of your threads has anyone ever thumbed their noses at you - yet here you are doing it to someone. So let me point out that the issues that exit within your relationship have nothing to do with whether or note your b/f loves you - they all revolve around YOU. YOU are not ready for an adult relationship - and every other day you question the validity of your relationship, yet when many of us tell you that you need therapy to deal with your insecurities (thereby perhaps making you ready for a relationship), you do a 180 and are back in love. I agree with SG your input is neither welcome nor respected here. At least learn how to take constructive input before you try to give it.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 JB - This statement was only made in response to how SG said that my bf should take the same advice I gave her and this statement was not made to be mean but rather it is made because it is a fact that I think SG should realize. Does that make sense? If I was broken up with my bf right now then I think SG would be right in telling him to take the same advice, but difference is that we are not broken up. Please direct your correspondence to JB via PM. Your commentary about your relationship has no place in my thread. Thanks. Let's not let Fray make my thread all about her as well, okay guys?
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