Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I'm questioning not only whether it's possible to remain friends with my Ex, but whether it's even worth it at this point. I'm not sure what benefit he provides me right now. Maybe someday, but certainly not now. I can't wait around for him to get his sh*t together, right? But is it too soon to move on? Should I even be trying? Some people jump right back in to the dating game. Others take time off. The devil on my left says that I had been mourning this relationship since mid-December (two months before it actually ended!), and that as a result, I have a right to move on already. But the angel on my right says that I should avoid men altogether for a while. But why? I know who I am. I know what I want. I feel like I have better tools to help me find what I'm looking for and identify what I don't. Practice makes perfect, right? I don't know. I went out on a date with that other new guy last week, and it just didn't spark anything in me. At first I felt panic, but then I realized that I wouldn't have felt anything for him anyway. There just wasn't that chemistry. His laugh and mannerisms just drove me nuts by the end of our THREE HOUR dinner. (He didn't seem to get the hint that I was ready to go when at the two hour mark I picked up my purse and set it on my lap and turned to the side as though I was about to stand up. He just kept starting new conversation after new conversation to keep me trapped.) Anyway. An old friend of mine had been bugging me for months to go out with her boss. He had seen me on her page and apparently was quite taken with me. He told her he found me both beautiful and smart from what I had written in my blogs. Thinking we'd make a good fit, she decided to play matchmaker, contacted me and said she wanted to set me up. When she first contacted me, I had just started dating my (now ex) BF. I told her as much, and that I really wanted to see where it led and didn't want to see anyone else. She checked in about every 4 weeks or so to see if I was available. I never was. About two weeks ago, she checked in again. She directed me to his MySpace. What I saw and read was all great. Really, really great. So I took the bait and said I might be ready. We talked in detail about him. She had such great things to say about him as well, and I know she wouldn't lead me astray. She gave him my phone number last week, and we've since spoken twice. Long, nice conversations. He's funny, and the conversation never lagged. But what I found so awesome about him is that he's so damn positive, without being over the top. I mean, he just has a really, really positive perspective that I find really inspiring. He's experienced some very trying times (the death of a nephew, a divorce, and the loss of his company all within a short period of time of one another) a few years ago, and yet he remains so... resilient. I find myself eager for his next call, not only because I'm growing increasingly more interested, but because he literally just puts me in a really good mood! This is in HUGE contrast to my ex, who was so just selfish, bitter, and moody... ugh. I'm concerned though. I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps y'all can tell me.
jerbear Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I find myself eager for his next call, not only because I'm growing increasingly more interested, but because he literally just puts me in a really good mood! This is in HUGE contrast to my ex, who was so just selfish, bitter, and moody... ugh. I'm concerned though. I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps y'all can tell me. Sounds like the start of a beautiful friendship. Tell him straight out that you just came out of a relationship. Since he puts you in a good mood and you've told him about your recent ex, then he made a choice to stick it through. If you are concerned then take it slow. It may take sometime to get you out of your shell.
Jilly Bean Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Wait - I thought you guys were having a LDR? Did this stop? I thought you wrote somewhere that he was still calling you many times a day, there were plans to connect soon... Am I imagining this? (highly probable - lol). FWIW, I almost never keep ex's around as friends. I don't see the point, and I find it disrespectful to the current man du jour. But if you are interested in someone new - what's the confusion? I say go for it. It's not like the last guy was so long-term that you need months of healing, you know? What is the formula - a week per month?
Nemo Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I find myself eager for his next call, not only because I'm growing increasingly more interested, but because he literally just puts me in a really good mood! Sounds great! It's natural to be apprehensive, because you have residual feelings for you-know-who. In conclusion, I think you are really.
Art_Critic Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 But if you are interested in someone new - what's the confusion? I say go for it. Here here... I agree with JB...
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Sounds like the start of a beautiful friendship. Tell him straight out that you just came out of a relationship. Since he puts you in a good mood and you've told him about your recent ex, then he made a choice to stick it through. If you are concerned then take it slow. It may take sometime to get you out of your shell. I told him and my friend told him as well. I do want to take it slow - whether it be with this guy or with someone else. I just have such a hard time doing that. I get caught up in the romance, and always feel as though "I want to take it slow" is a line guys balk at...like they think they're being friend-zoned, which is not my intention at all.
Art_Critic Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I do want to take it slow - whether it be with this guy or with someone else. I just have such a hard time doing that. I get caught up in the romance, and always feel as though "I want to take it slow" is a line guys balk at...like they think they're being friend-zoned, which is not my intention at all. SG.. you are somewhat like me.. I have always jumped with both feet into the relationship ring.. Sometimes I've been burnt and sometimes I've had what I would consider some really good times/relationships.. I have gone slow and then it goes fast and I have gone fast to super fast and in the end I wouldn't have changed a thing.. Don't change who your are.... Keep on putting yourself out there...
Replicant Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I'm questioning not only whether it's possible to remain friends with my Ex, but whether it's even worth it at this point. I'm not sure what benefit he provides me right now. Maybe someday, but certainly not now. I can't wait around for him to get his sh*t together, right? I think it depends on you, if you have kept ex boyfriends around in the past and if so for what reasons. Also that said if it ever made contention with new boyfriends if they are still kept in your life. I think like you've likely read a million times on here, you need a clean slate to start that anew. Going from SO to friends is typically a hard thing to do, and this break-up sounding so recent i'm not sure if that is the best thing. But you know you best and that is whom you should take care of, time heals for some while getting back out in the game can help erase the past quicker. It depends on which suits you best.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Okay, this is an aside, but seems like we need a little more background. Wait - I thought you guys were having a LDR? Did this stop? I thought you wrote somewhere that he was still calling you many times a day, there were plans to connect soon... Am I imagining this? (highly probable - lol). FWIW, I almost never keep ex's around as friends. I don't see the point, and I find it disrespectful to the current man du jour. But if you are interested in someone new - what's the confusion? I say go for it. It's not like the last guy was so long-term that you need months of healing, you know? What is the formula - a week per month? Ex and I were doing LDR, and then he ended it. However, despite ending the commitment, up until Saturday, we were talking multiple times a day, and he was behaving as though nothing had changed between us - even sent me stuff for V-Day. It was confusing as all get out. So on Saturday (also after having spoken to this other new guy twice), I initiated a conversation about where we were with one another because his behavior was confusing me. The conversation evolved into him being a selfish twit once again, completely ignoring my feelings. At first I thought, "OMG, he doesn't even want to be friends now!" and felt devastated all over again. By the end of the day, I had changed my train of thought to, "Hmm. This is not behavior of someone I want as a friend to begin with. He doesn't hold the power over the friend card." As a result of that conversation, I told him that while I was unable to shut the door to him at that very moment, it wouldn't always be open because I was going to move on with my life...including going out on dates. He knows me well enough to know that if/when he contacts me and I've moved on, he will not be able to sway me (for example, FireFighter contacted me about 3 weeks into this relationship, and it didn't have any impact at all). I haven't heard from him since. Granted, it's only been a day, but I usually would have received multiple calls from him by now.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Damn typo in my thread title.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 SG - I think it's wonderful that you've met someone that peaks your interest. I agree it might be a little soon, but so what? One thing I will tell you - is try to take it a little slow. I used to jump in with both feet - things would fizzle fast. My shrink finally explained his theory on this to me - basically he feels that at the start of a relationship intermittency (his word) is key. You need to give each other time to think about you - and almost come to miss you between dates. I had never done this before, and purely by accident that is exactly how my b/f and I started out. Our first date was a friday and he left the very next sunday for two weeks in asia. He called me as soon as his plane landed to find out if I could see him that weekend . Then I went to Europe for a week after our second date - and he called me within moments of my plane landing, etc. 3.5 years later I'm fairly confident we will get married one of these days. You don't have to tell him you want to take it slow - you just need to fill your calendar, with other acitivities. Not to shut him out - but to keep yourself busy. Have a full life on your own, and you will only be more attractive to others. I'm so excited for you - even if he only turns out to be a friend, he sounds lovely.:bunny:
sb129 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Thumbs up from me too! This guy sounds like he could be a great friend, and maybe more who knows. He certainly sounds a little more grounded than you know who. But I second the go slow sentiments.... There is no rule saying you have to let a certain amount of time elapse.
sb129 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 By the end of the day, I had changed my train of thought to, "Hmm. This is not behavior of someone I want as a friend to begin with. He doesn't hold the power over the friend card." As a result of that conversation, I told him that while I was unable to shut the door to him at that very moment, it wouldn't always be open because I was going to move on with my life...including going out on dates. . Yee ha. You go girlfriend. :bunny::bunny:
Lauriebell82 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I think that's awesome SG. I agree that there isn't any harm in a few dates. I know that you tend to jump into relationships fast, so do I. But you really should take it truely slow. There's no harm in a date afterall. As far as being friends with the ex..was this his request? I personally could never be friends with an ex, its a little too weird for me. And most of my breakups have ended badly, so I don't really want to bother with most of them. I don't see any real reason to be friends with him, accept if it were his request maybe he is feeling a tad guilty and wants to keep you in his life in some form. I wouldn't do it though, there isn't much point. And it's easier to get over someone if you aren't friends with them.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Yee ha. You go girlfriend. :bunny::bunny: He made a point of calling me yesterday and tell me he was getting ready to go out to dinner (4 hours prior?). Usually he volunteers the "who" part of his plans, but he didn't tell me who with. I just wished him a nice time. I think he had a date.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 He made a point of calling me yesterday and tell me he was getting ready to go out to dinner (4 hours prior?). Usually he volunteers the "who" part of his plans, but he didn't tell me who with. I just wished him a nice time. I think he had a date. Why would he tell you he was going out to dinner? Man, I don't think this guy is even worth being freinds with..calling your ex to say that you are going out to dinner (probably a date) is disrespectful. I don't think this guy is worth it.
jerbear Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 He made a point of calling me yesterday and tell me he was getting ready to go out to dinner (4 hours prior?). Usually he volunteers the "who" part of his plans, but he didn't tell me who with. I just wished him a nice time. I think he had a date. He did that! Okay... sounds like a jealousy ploy or he just slipped. Honestly I do not tell my ex's that I have a date, unless they are friends. My friends dont even get the details.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Why would he tell you he was going out to dinner? Man, I don't think this guy is even worth being freinds with..calling your ex to say that you are going out to dinner (probably a date) is disrespectful. I don't think this guy is worth it. Well, it was more of, "What are you up to? This is what I did today, this is what I'm gonna do now..." kind of conversation - like the ones we usually have. It was just weird that it was at 3:00 his time when he called (and left a message, I was skiing) and he used the phrase, "I'm getting ready to go out to dinner..." When I returned his call around 5:30 his time, he again said he was going to dinner, told me what restaurant, but didn't say who with. He usually says something like, "Mike and I are gonna go grab some burgers tonight at..." or "Mom is taking me to dinner tonight..." But in this instance, the who was left out. I think he wanted me to dig. Perhaps he wants it to be okay for him to date, and as much as it sucks, it's okay too.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Well, it was more of, "What are you up to? This is what I did today, this is what I'm gonna do now..." kind of conversation - like the ones we usually have. It was just weird that it was at 3:00 his time when he called (and left a message, I was skiing) and he used the phrase, "I'm getting ready to go out to dinner..." When I returned his call around 5:30 his time, he again said he was going to dinner, told me what restaurant, but didn't say who with. He usually says something like, "Mike and I are gonna go grab some burgers tonight at..." or "Mom is taking me to dinner tonight..." But in this instance, the who was left out. I think he wanted me to dig. Perhaps he wants it to be okay for him to date, and as much as it sucks, it's okay too. Ok, hmm I've never kept in contact with an ex talking about daily life before..I would think that would be hard. Are you ok in dealing with that? For as hurt as you have been by this man, I'm suprised that you two are still having that frequent of contact. Wow, you are really strong if that doesn't bother you, what's your secret SG? So what is the status with you two right now? I know you said you are broken up, but does he have you in mind still?
fray718 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I've NEVER kept in touch with any of my exes because there is no point and it will only make it hurt more for you. Basically, the guy dumped you for a really lame reason and so I think you should stand up for yourself by ignoring him and moving on. He is just trying to string you along. Don't allow yourself to be treated that way.
shadowplay Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 SG - I think it's wonderful that you've met someone that peaks your interest. I agree it might be a little soon, but so what? One thing I will tell you - is try to take it a little slow. I used to jump in with both feet - things would fizzle fast. My shrink finally explained his theory on this to me - basically he feels that at the start of a relationship intermittency (his word) is key. You need to give each other time to think about you - and almost come to miss you between dates. I had never done this before, and purely by accident that is exactly how my b/f and I started out. Our first date was a friday and he left the very next sunday for two weeks in asia. He called me as soon as his plane landed to find out if I could see him that weekend . Then I went to Europe for a week after our second date - and he called me within moments of my plane landing, etc. 3.5 years later I'm fairly confident we will get married one of these days. You don't have to tell him you want to take it slow - you just need to fill your calendar, with other acitivities. Not to shut him out - but to keep yourself busy. Have a full life on your own, and you will only be more attractive to others. I'm so excited for you - even if he only turns out to be a friend, he sounds lovely.:bunny: Intermittent Reinforcement. Works like a charm. I've been telling people this for ages! Glad a professional confirmed my thinking.
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 So what is the status with you two right now? I know you said you are broken up, but does he have you in mind still? I really don't know what he has in mind. That was the entire point of initiating my conversation with him on Saturday. He basically refused to talk about it, repeating, "I don't know, I don't know..." As a result of that conversation, I realized that while he may not know what he wants, I do. He can't give me what I want, at least right now. Like I said, I'm not closing the door on him...yet. Basically, he's gotta act fast (and big).
Author Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Intermittent Reinforcement. Works like a charm. I've been telling people this for ages! Glad a professional confirmed my thinking. I think Ex has been doing this to me as well though. Works in both good and bad ways.
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Get the mods to change your title name. I think we all know what you meant though...(damn typo's lol!) Look, SG, don't rush through this. You JUST got your heart broken, why the rush to go off and date? IF you do date, keep it casual and light...You aren't ready for anyone else's heart, let alone you're not ready to open your heart to anyone else...Just afew days ago you were waiting for your Vday gift from him. Heal yourself, spend time with your good friends, family...Take each day as it comes.
fray718 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I really don't know what he has in mind. That was the entire point of initiating my conversation with him on Saturday. He basically refused to talk about it, repeating, "I don't know, I don't know..." As a result of that conversation, I realized that while he may not know what he wants, I do. He can't give me what I want, at least right now. Like I said, I'm not closing the door on him...yet. Basically, he's gotta act fast (and big). Why haven't you closed the door on him yet? Be strong and just move on. He obviously doesn't care about you enough if he's doing this to you. Telling you he doesnt know is just a way to string you along. If he really does love and care for you, he wouldn't hurt you like this. I know that I've done wrong to my bf and hurt him before, but I really am trying hard not to do it again and which is why I"m still WITH him. Your ex is no longer with you because he doesnt want to be wiht you anymore. Accept it and move on. I know it sounds harsh but it really is the best thing to do in this situation. I've been in your shoes before and I'm glad I cut off contact wiht the ex.
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