lollipop Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Yesterday I was at my boyfriend's place, and I was using his laptop. I was searching for something using his Google Search toolbar, and "doing coke secretly" came up as one of his previous searches, as did "doing coke" and "depression duration". My boyfriend said that he went through a depression back when we had broken up last September-November and was using coke. He said that he does it only occassionally and promised me that he would stop (b/c it's a dealbreaker for me). Now, I don't know when the search was made, but it's safe to assume that it was made after we got back together right? How should I bring this up to him? I know coke is highly addictive and relapses are common, but I really don't know what to do at this point.
Art_Critic Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 He said that he does it only occasionally and promised me that he would stop (b/c it's a dealbreaker for me). Wouldn't it still be a deal breaker then ?.. so it doesn't matter when he did the searches since he has told you he does coke and will continue to do coke.. but only occasionally.. I know he said he will stop.. in in reality he most likely won't.. If he is even mildly addicted to it then he will still use coke.. just behind your back.. ( as the searches showed he is already looking to hide it from you an others). This is a toughie.. If I were in your shoes I would decide if I had a zero tolerance rule.. if I did then I would dump.. If I chose to take that person's word that they are done doing coke then I would give them another chance.. but only 1 more chance..
Author lollipop Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 If I chose to take that person's word that they are done doing coke then I would give them another chance.. but only 1 more chance.. Meaning 1 more chance after this?
Art_Critic Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) Meaning 1 more chance after this? Yeah.. 1 more chance after coming clean with you and after agreeing to not do coke anymore.. It doesn't make you stupid to give someone you care about a second chance.. you just have to have your eyes open at this point and be ready to dump or run if he can't keep away from the coke.. You don't want him to suck you down into the addiction's world.. that is a messy place to be for a non user. Edit :.. I just re-read your post.. do you mean that he said he would quit a while back ago when you both got back together ?.. if it does then you need to call him out on those searches and figure out if he is still using.. Edited February 18, 2008 by Art_Critic
Replicant Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Meaning 1 more chance after this? Is the cocaine use a dealbreaker to you or not!? It's his choice to get cooked on coke, so if he's disregarding your dislike to the addiction he's obviously made his choice regardless of how many chances he's going to get. He should be getting detox/therapy not chances, if he was serious about saving the relationship let alone himself.
Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 For what it's worth, there are things that come up on my search on Google that I searched for back in September and October.
sb129 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 A google search does not automatically mean he is using cocaine. I google stuff all the time that has little relevance to my actual real life- some stuff on the net is interesting. Any reason why this is such a deal breaker? Just curious. Occasional use doesn't necessarily mean you are addicted. However, if you have stipulated that you NEVER want him to touch it again, you may have inadvertently caused him to be more secretive about it. I appreciate that it is a dealbreaker for you, and if it is, you need to remain firm about this with him, but you need a little more evidence before you go confronting him, and he may not take too kindly to you snooping on his computer.
Replicant Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 A google search does not automatically mean he is using cocaine. I google stuff all the time that has little relevance to my actual real life- some stuff on the net is interesting. Any reason why this is such a deal breaker? Just curious. Occasional use doesn't necessarily mean you are addicted. However, if you have stipulated that you NEVER want him to touch it again, you may have inadvertently caused him to be more secretive about it. I appreciate that it is a dealbreaker for you, and if it is, you need to remain firm about this with him, but you need a little more evidence before you go confronting him, and he may not take too kindly to you snooping on his computer. Yeah right, like the interesting methods of hiding a cocaine addiction is a common web search. Come on..there's no casual means of use to a coke addict, the dude is just trying to cover his tracks regardless of the time frame of when he was searching for it.
sb129 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Come on..there's no casual means of use to a coke addict, the dude is just trying to cover his tracks regardless of the time frame of when he was searching for it. Nobody said the guy was an addict- not even the OP. He could be an occasional user, as he said to her, which doesn't mean he is an addict. Either way, its a dealbreaker to her, which is fine, but a google search isn't enough "incriminating evidence" IMO, and if there is this much mistrust and secrecy in the R that she has to snoop on his computer and finds that he is looking up how to be sneaky, then there are clearly some MAJOR communication issues within the R which are problematic whether he is using cocaine or not.
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