Liz Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Hi, I'm new here, and I really need some objective advice... My boyfriend and I have been together about 4 years now. We've always assumed we were eventually going to get married and have kids together. Recently, we were discussing the topic and he dropped this little bombshell: When we have a child, he wants to get a paternity test after the baby is born to make sure it's his(!) WTF?! I've NEVER cheated on him (haven't even thought about it!), nor have I given him any indication that I would in the future. I have no idea where this came from! So I was wondering, is this a valid request for guys to make? Am I over-reacting? I was obviously upset and insulted, and I'm not sure what to make of this situation... Please help!
witabix Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Thats a shocker....... I have never heard of such a request. Why would he have doubts like this at this stage? You said you never even thought about cheating. How does he not know/realise this? I would also say that it is a crass unfeeling comment to make. It seems to me like an accusation before the event!!!! Never heard anything like it, ever. It certainly never crossed my mind to say that to my exwife, at any stage. Even when the marriage crashed and burned I would never insult her to suggest such a thing.
Art_Critic Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Thats a shocker....... I have never heard of such a request. Why would he have doubts like this at this stage? You said you never even thought about cheating. How does he not know/realise this? I would also say that it is a crass unfeeling comment to make. It seems to me like an accusation before the event!!!! Never heard anything like it, ever. It certainly never crossed my mind to say that to my exwife, at any stage. Even when the marriage crashed and burned I would never insult her to suggest such a thing. I agree Witibix.. it seems like he is already saying that it isn't going to be his.. what an insult... Well Liz.. is he cheating on you ?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Perhaps he has been reading scary stories online about paternity fraud and how a surprising percentage of men fall victim to it. Did you let him know how it makes you feel to have him request that? I would definitely find out what his motivation is before agreeing to get married. It might be one of those splinter issues that grows into a wedge if left unaddressed.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 wow. i would not marry this guy. it would be one thing if you had cheated on him before and part of his trust-building involved you proving yourself. even then, if you're going to marry someone, these kinds of issues should be worked out before. i think it sounds like you're in for a real horror story if you stay with this guy. really, think about it. what test can you do on him to see if he was cheating as well when you got pregnant? just because getting pregnant with someone else's child is proof of cheating for women doesn't mean he gets to be declared the epitome of innocence and virtue with no way to prove it. ew. he sounds like a real jerk, and i think you should reconsider this, it could get very ugly. i understand the whole 'those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing' but there's another side to that--those who have nothing to hide still deserve respect and trust enough not be subject to humiliating exposure.
Micke81 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I agree with witbix, this is not normal. On the other hand, I always try and see things through the other person's eyes and generally give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Going with that, maybe it's a guarantee. Beyond any shadow of a doubt this kid is theirs. Something they know will stand up in court if someone tries to say otherwise. Kind of a "step off, this kid is mine and I've got proof"? As women, I don't think we can really understand as there is never any doubt a kid is ours. Quite possibly this is something he decided to ask for many many years ago and it has nothing at all to do with you.
blind_otter Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 A friend of mine had been paying child support for 4 years, as well as doing the whole biweekly visitation and bonding with child thing, before he found out the kid wasn't his. Craziness! I dunno. Maybe it's a test of some sort? My SO did that to me. When I first found out I was pregnant he said that when the baby is born he wanted a paternity test. I just shrugged and said, "Sure, whatever tickles your pickle." Then he took it back and said he was shocked that I would so readily agree to something like that. I wasn't insulted. It didn't really occur to me to be insulted.
Art_Critic Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 A friend of mine had been paying child support for 4 years, as well as doing the whole biweekly visitation and bonding with child thing, before he found out the kid wasn't his. I guess that is the flip side to it all.... I would never have thought to ask my wife if it was mine.. I know it is.. I think if someone is in a relationship where they wouldn't know if the child is theirs or not then they are in the wrong relationship..
jerbear Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I wouldn't question my wife, when that happens, I know that my kids should have certain features. I can see why the guy wants a paternity test, just as confirmation and to confirm that he is truely the father. Being a father is a scary thing, those little round eyes looking up to you and oneday say "mama!" ok "da da" Is kinda scary! It is possible that he saw or heard of a story where an affair (another one involed rape) where the wife (future grandmother) did not tell the husband. When their child is born, no resemblance; however when their child had their first child (her grandkid). The grandkid showed a different resemblance to both parents and grand parents; different hair color, skin color, and even eye color. If a guy has to ask then something else is going on.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 If a guy has to ask then something else is going on. or he's just rude, paranoid, and incapable of trust. that's another likely explanation.
quankanne Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Recently, we were discussing the topic and he dropped this little bombshell: When we have a child, he wants to get a paternity test after the baby is born to make sure it's his(!) … is this a valid request for guys to make? Am I over-reacting? I was obviously upset and insulted, and I'm not sure what to make of this situation ... Please help! this is a VERY curious statement he's made, but the first thing that popped into my head was to wonder if your BF has problems that HE'S not telling you about: Low sperm count, infertile due to disease, etc. It's so easy to throw up a smokescreen and point fingers to keep someone from discovering what's really going on ... just a thought.
EYECANDY000 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Wowzers!!! That would throw me off a lot. But it seems like your bf has been in a situation similar . Have you asked him if he has ever been in a relationship with someone and it turned out that the baby wasnt his. Asking you to take a paternity test is an insult to the fullest especially if you have been nothing but faithful to him, but I can also understand from a males point of view. I might get bashed for this but if I was a male and I was in a relationship I might ask my g/f the same thing. whats the difference between people who stand in front of a preacher and swear to their vows, and then want a pre-nup?
witabix Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Wowzers!!! That would throw me off a lot. But it seems like your bf has been in a situation similar . Have you asked him if he has ever been in a relationship with someone and it turned out that the baby wasnt his. Asking you to take a paternity test is an insult to the fullest especially if you have been nothing but faithful to him, but I can also understand from a males point of view. I might get bashed for this but if I was a male and I was in a relationship I might ask my g/f the same thing. whats the difference between people who stand in front of a preacher and swear to their vows, and then want a pre-nup? Love.......................?
norajane Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 OMG, that is the funniest thing I've ever heard! He's really planning ahead for future uncertainty and doubt. Covering all his bases. Does he already have a will in place, too? I'll bet he's way overinsured as well. Uses bacteria wipes every 10 minutes to fend off germs? Sorry, I know this is traumatic for you. I agree with everyone who said he's probably been hearing or reading some horror stories about men who have been mistaken about being the fathers of their children, and he's bound and determined no way no how is that going to happen to him. I'm sure he isn't quite realizing how insulting that is to YOU. If he's generally sane about everything else and the two of you are happy together, indulge him on this. Tell him, that's fine, dear, we'll have the paternity test done...and by the way, you won't mind taking a lie detector test every time I suspect you're flirting too much or cheating on me, right? Then laugh at him when his face goes like this -->
Trimmer Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 "If you feel it's important to you, then go right ahead. But then how will you figure out what to say to me and how to look me in the eye once the test comes back confirming that you are the father?"
lovelorcet Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Anyone who has anything to do with human genetics would not laugh at this at all. This happens a lot more then people really think, A LOT more. About 10% of families have a child who is being raised by a father who is not the biological father. That is 1:10.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Hi, I'm new here, and I really need some objective advice... My boyfriend and I have been together about 4 years now. We've always assumed we were eventually going to get married and have kids together. Recently, we were discussing the topic and he dropped this little bombshell: When we have a child, he wants to get a paternity test after the baby is born to make sure it's his(!) WTF?! I've NEVER cheated on him (haven't even thought about it!), nor have I given him any indication that I would in the future. I have no idea where this came from! So I was wondering, is this a valid request for guys to make? Am I over-reacting? I was obviously upset and insulted, and I'm not sure what to make of this situation... Please help! Stop panicking!!!! God lord. lol. In this day and age, in the light of maury, jerry springer, divorce court, drphil. Men are getting real leary of women's treacherous ways. That's not to say your the sort. But this is to asuage his fears. If the baby is his then cool, everything goes back to normal. Also he can request that the baby be perfectly heathly and ask the doctor to test for birth defects and whatnot. You ever seen the movie Gattica? I aint saying he'll go that extreme. But in this day and age I guess we as men want our children to be heathly and genetically ours. We dont want to wake up years later to find out it aint ours. Even the nicest of women have been known to be whores and cheaters. We need to be reaffirmed that the women we date and want to marry into a holy and legal union will not use our trust to betray us. It happens now a days, does it not?
DutchGuy Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Maybe he's trying to prevent you from cheating. It may be his biggest fear that you would cheat and by telling you this he may feel extra reassurance you won't. It's like when I said to my ex: "If you would cheat, it's would be over. Just so you know." Not that I didn't trust her, I just wanted her to think about it. Being in love comes with great insecurities.
Trimmer Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Anyone who has anything to do with human genetics would not laugh at this at all. This happens a lot more then people really think, A LOT more. About 10% of families have a child who is being raised by a father who is not the biological father. That is 1:10. Not that I doubt that statistic, but can you cite the source, please? I'd like to review the study myself to see if they are including families that are obviously aware of that situation. The way your statistic is stated, it includes stepfathers.
lovelorcet Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Not that I doubt that statistic, but can you cite the source, please? I'd like to review the study myself to see if they are including families that are obviously aware of that situation. The way your statistic is stated, it includes stepfathers. Of course I do not mean stepfathers... Here is non scientific article that makes the same points... http://www.canadiancrc.com/articles/Globe_and_Mail_Moms_Little_secret_14DEC02.aspx I can also start digging around on Medline or Pubmed if you want to have the actual studies they are speaking about. There is going to be some culture bias in these studies but I think the point that this happens a lot can easily be made.
lovelorcet Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Historically women have always been able to be sure that their child is from them but men could never be 100% sure. A great deal of how our culture and society works is based on this. Is it not also ok for a man to be 100% sure if that is what be wants? If a women has nothing to hide then there should be no big deal right? The truth is this is going to be a huge problem for us in the very near future. A major part of modern medicine will be the genetic analysis of patients so that they can receive the most effective treatment. By doing that analysis you will immediately be able to see who is related to who.
blind_otter Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Historically women have always been able to be sure that their child is from them but men could never be 100% sure. A great deal of how our culture and society works is based on this. Is it not also ok for a man to be 100% sure if that is what be wants? If a women has nothing to hide then there should be no big deal right? The truth is this is going to be a huge problem for us in the very near future. A major part of modern medicine will be the genetic analysis of patients so that they can receive the most effective treatment. By doing that analysis you will immediately be able to see who is related to who. That's why I didn't bat an eyelash when my SO asked me if I would do a paternity test. I'm 100% sure the baby is his (to quote Jerry Springer, hahaha) so it's really no issue to me. Why not assuage his fears? It doesn't affect ME at all.
StartingOver07 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) NJ has a great response, imo. Edited February 19, 2008 by StartingOver07
KenzieAbsolutely Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Men are getting real leary of women's treacherous ways. That's not to say your the sort. But this is to asuage his fears. If the baby is his then cool, everything goes back to normal. so? women have been leery for years, yet you don't see the average couple giving men lie detectors annually, do you? i mean, it's only fair. what a world, it's sad that people have to think this way. whatever happened to common decency? if a woman has to take a paternity test simply because she has the burden of proof in her body for all to see, then maybe men should have to prove themselves too. how convenient though, that paternity test are more accurate than lie detectors... guess we'll have to come up with some kind of piss/blood/dna test that shows lying, cheating, and any otherwise deceitful behaviour in men. sorry, this just really gets my goat. the hypocrisy is vomit-inducing.
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