sweetdream Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 "Hi, my boyfriend and I had had a long distance relationship for 4 years, he has 1 child froma previous relationship and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. We have always been great together and mostly got to see each other every fortnight, had lots of weekends away together,spent every Xmas/new year together and had holidays with all the kids. He always called me 2/3 times a week and text me nearly every day. For the last year we have talked about moving in together but due to money problems, him been unemployed until recently and kids we haven't been able to do it. then out of the blue a 2 weeks ago i got a text message from him which said "I'm fed up with a long distance relationship, we are never going to live together, I love you but i want more, this is for the best in the long term" I have sent text messages back to him saying I'm prepared to move to his area as soon as we can sort it out but he wont reply and I've not heard from him in two weeks any advice cause I'm bewildered
melodicmaybe Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Have you called him? Or just got in the car and tried to go talk to him? That's an awfully abrupt ending to a long term relationship. It is possible that he's just met someone else?
TMichaels Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 sweetdream, With what little background you've shared about your relationship, I'm bewildered, too. Before this happened, when was the last time the two of you had spoken/gotten together? Has anything else happened between the two of you or to either individually that would have contributed to his decision or what seems to be out of character behavior for him? Does he have a history of depression or drug/alcohol abuse by chance? I agree with melodicmaybe... Have you tried to contact him by phone or in person? If so, why not? I cannot believe given how long you two have known each other and how often you've spent time together that he would choose such a cowardly way to end your relationship. There's got to be something else going on here... Best, TMichaels
Author sweetdream Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Hi I have tried to phone him twice and there as been no answer, he came to mine to celebrate my birthday with me 4 weeks ago and all was normal, spoiled me rotten and had a great time. spoke an the phone/texted lots of times after that all fine and on about him wanting to take me away for a weekend again soon etc. Did have a few cross words so to speak the week before i got the "we are over text." We are supposed to be going to a concert on Friday this week and i was going to his and staying there the friday night and coming home on Saturday and I wanted him to come back to mine on the Saturday with me as my child is in a show i wanted him to come and watch with me. He said no too Much "hassle" which i got a bit funny about and asked what he ment he said getting train back was pain in *** so asked why after all this time getting train back was it now a "hassle" then got a text saying i was over reacting and to stop giving him a hard time. then wham got the text saying he was fed up with long distance relationship he loves me but wants more. i did send another text tonight to ask if he wanted me to go on friday night for the concert but no reply as yet? Dont now whether i should just turn up at his on friday any way as planned if i dont hear from him or not?
Author sweetdream Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 sweetdream, Does he have a history of depression or drug/alcohol abuse by chance? Sorry no he hasn't
Author sweetdream Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 dont think or feel hes met anyone else. Trust as never been an issue in our relationship. We have both been lied/cheated on before and honesty as always been paramount to us both. Also we met online and chatted online for about six months before we met and he as always said because of that he felt our relationship was so strong because we had always been completly honest with each other and you could say things on line to someone you wouldnt say in person for a long time I knew more about him then his life long friends. That's an awfully abrupt ending to a long term relationship. It is possible that he's just met someone else?
norajane Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 He may very well have met someone, in person, that he fancies and would like to get to know better. Then, in order to not cheat on you, he let you know things were over. Conscience cleared. For someone who went on and on about how your relationship was so strong and you know him better than his lifelong friends and all about honesty...he sure picked a cowardly way to end this relationship. Text? He didn't even give you the courtesy of a call? I believe that's because he didn't want you to ask questions...and that tells me he's hiding something. Personally, I would drive out to his place and confront him. 4 years is a long time to end it with a text. He needs to be honest about what's going on, and you deserve the courtesy of being heard.
TMichaels Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I have tried to phone him twice and there as been no answer, he came to mine to celebrate my birthday with me 4 weeks ago and all was normal, spoiled me rotten and had a great time. spoke an the phone/texted lots of times after that all fine and on about him wanting to take me away for a weekend again soon etc. Did have a few cross words so to speak the week before i got the "we are over text." We are supposed to be going to a concert on Friday this week and i was going to his and staying there the friday night and coming home on Saturday and I wanted him to come back to mine on the Saturday with me as my child is in a show i wanted him to come and watch with me. He said no too Much "hassle" which i got a bit funny about and asked what he ment he said getting train back was pain in *** so asked why after all this time getting train back was it now a "hassle" then got a text saying i was over reacting and to stop giving him a hard time. then wham got the text saying he was fed up with long distance relationship he loves me but wants more. i did send another text tonight to ask if he wanted me to go on friday night for the concert but no reply as yet? Dont now whether i should just turn up at his on friday any way as planned if i dont hear from him or not? Hmmm.... His snippy reaction to your request to have him come back home with you to attend your child's performance certainly doesn't sound very caring or loving -- odd, since you seem to imply in the past that the two of you happily have included each other's children in your lives. I hate to say this, but I wonder if he has found someone else where he lives? That could have been the reason why he reacted as he did to your unexpected invitation to come back home with you on Sat/Sun. Caught off-guard he just threw out the first excuse he could think of (all of a sudden, taking the train back was a pain). If he has found someone else locally, that doesn't mean he isn't telling you the truth. He may indeed still love you, he may indeed may want more, but doesn't see that happening given the geographic barriers. You texting him and saying you would be willing to move to his town may be the exact reason why he hasn't answered your texts or phone calls. He probably didn't expect you to say that, and now what can he say/do, if he's already gotten himself into a relationship with another? (BTW, why ARE the two of you geographically separate? Did you ever have plans to resolve this? If so, how? If not, why?) As far whether you should go to see him on Friday even though you've heard nothing from him about the concert, even after you sent a text... It's up to you, but I think I would -- but, perhaps not on Friday as he expects. I might consider going on Saturday, and showing up at his house unannounced. The purpose being, for the two of you to talk about what's going on and why. I think he owes you an explanation. After fours years together and telling you that he still loves you -- he owes you at least that. You may not like what he has to say, but at least you're not sitting there twisting in the wind, clueless about what happened and blaming yourself for something that in all probability, you weren't guilty of, at all. I feel for you sweetdream. Absolutely gutting to be in your position -- and absolutely heartless and irresponsible for your b/f to do this to you. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of this -- if for no other reason than the fact that it will help you move on. Best of luck to you, and don't hesitate to come here to post and vent if you need to. Lots of people here can identify with what you're going through, and having a place to share your thoughts and feelings, often helps. Best, TMichaels
TMichaels Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 sweetdream, Does he have a history of depression or drug/alcohol abuse by chance? Sorry no he hasn't Okay, just wondered. Sometimes that can be the cause of erratic behavior like what you've described. Still, how's he's acting seems out of character, based on what you've said. Something's rocked his boat... But, what? Best, TMichaels
TMichaels Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 He may very well have met someone, in person, that he fancies and would like to get to know better. Then, in order to not cheat on you, he let you know things were over. Conscience cleared. Exactly what I was thinking, NoraJane. For someone who went on and on about how your relationship was so strong and you know him better than his lifelong friends and all about honesty...he sure picked a cowardly way to end this relationship. Text? He didn't even give you the courtesy of a call? I believe that's because he didn't want you to ask questions...and that tells me he's hiding something. Again, that's what my gut says too, NoraJane. There's got to be an explanation why he's dodging all contact -- and this is often the reason, unfortunately. Best, TMichaels
HisLove Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 A couple of things came to my mind that he may be trying to hide, but they don't involve cheating. Firstly, he might not really have a job even though you said he was unemployed until recently. Secondly, due to not having a job, he may have lost his house or apartment and having to bunk in with somebody else and is embarassed for you to know about it. Perhaps he thinks it's easier to break it off than feel humiliated about his circumstances?? Just some thoughts. But I sure wouldn't let it go either if it happened to me. After 4 years you deserve the truth.
Author sweetdream Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 spoke to one of his friends to day she said that there is deffinatly no one else and to just give him time, hes not really said any thing to her but she thinks hes just worried about me and my kids moving to his area as it would be a big thing for us all.and what would happen if it didnt work out etc.
TMichaels Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 spoke to one of his friends to day she said that there is deffinatly no one else and to just give him time, hes not really said any thing to her but she thinks hes just worried about me and my kids moving to his area as it would be a big thing for us all.and what would happen if it didnt work out etc. I can understand him wanting time and space to think, but I thought you said you told him you'd move to his area AFTER he sent you the text saying he wanted to end the relationship? Given what his friend has said, just curious what you've decided about going to visit this weekend (concert or otherwise)? And, how do you feel about what the friend said is the reason for his behavior? If he has a history of "retreating" like this when things get "complicated," I suppose this makes some sense... Best, TMichaels
norajane Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 spoke to one of his friends to day she said that there is deffinatly no one else and to just give him time, hes not really said any thing to her but she thinks hes just worried about me and my kids moving to his area as it would be a big thing for us all.and what would happen if it didnt work out etc. That doesn't add up. Give him time for what? He didn't say he wanted time and space to think. He didn't ask for time. He broke up with you over text, and isn't taking your calls. Also, if those are really his concerns, why wouldn't he DISCUSS them with YOU since the largest impact would be to you and your children, and it's your joint future anyway? Why would he just break up over text and not want to talk to you at all.
melodicmaybe Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Unfortunately, I have to agree with NoraJane. Something is going on, something that you're not savvy to. When people act shady like he's doing, it's generally because there is something going on.
Camille69 Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I have to interject something here that is a simple fact when men have lost their employment their self esteem is badly injured, when they feel they have no way to provide for or take care of their commitments they lose sense of power and purpose, it may just be too painful for him not to be able to give you what you want in the way of physical security(in this case moving in together). The bad news is men also like to figure things out for themselves and the more you try to help the less capable they feel all you really can do is just let him know that you are confident he can come up with a solution that will work and are there for him if he needs you, then just sit back and wait. You have been together for some time now and he won't quickly forget about that or you. Just sit back for upto 8 weeks, if he has not come back by then he probably won't be coming back, but men need space to realize what they are giving up.
TMichaels Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 (edited) You make some very good points Camille69, but sweetdream said her b/f had been unemployed until recently. If anything, the two of them getting together now should be easier not more difficult or ego-threatening. That fact coupled with his text: "I'm fed up with a long distance relationship, we are never going to live together, I love you but i want more, this is for the best in the long term" just doesn't seem to add up. Best, TMichaels Edited February 20, 2008 by TMichaels
Author sweetdream Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 after trying to call him a couple of times last night. sent him a text again to ask about the weekend and said if nothing else at least have the courtesy to reply to me. got one back from him this morning saying " sorry its over, i love you but its for the best, thank you for all the wonderful times I wish it could have been different" so sent reply "Thank You for letting me know. would like to know why you feel its for the best and if you wish it could be different why cant it be?" and decided im not going to contact him again going to give him some time/space let him start to miss me and see what happens. Advice please
TMichaels Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 after trying to call him a couple of times last night. sent him a text again to ask about the weekend and said if nothing else at least have the courtesy to reply to me. got one back from him this morning saying " sorry its over, i love you but its for the best, thank you for all the wonderful times I wish it could have been different" so sent reply "Thank You for letting me know. would like to know why you feel its for the best and if you wish it could be different why cant it be?" and decided im not going to contact him again going to give him some time/space let him start to miss me and see what happens. Advice please Two words of advice: Quit texting! As long as you do, you're allowing him to take the chicken way out. It's absolutely unconscionable that he's ended a four-year relationship by sending you a text message! Agree that you shouldn't contact him again. And, if he does contact you, I would NOT respond via text or email. If he doesn't have the decency to agree to talk to you in person and explain himself, he doesn't deserve the courtesy of YOUR reply. Best, TMichaels
iSmiley Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 WOw..am bewildered too after reading your post. But i would say..go and talk to him face to face as soon as you can to figure out what is really wrong. I agreed with what camille have said. But anything is possible in this case..he might not get the job and paid as he expected and .....too much possibilities! Can never be sure till you talk face to face and get the truth from him! He might be depress and really need comfort but cant cling onto you since its LDR and it jus gets to him. Or he might meet someone else and the list goes on. We can never be certain.. =[ Good luck ..*Bear hugss*
Author sweetdream Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 can any body work this out? recieved text from him today saying "I cant talk to you over phone cause you will talk me around. i dont know the reason why but just feel this is what ive got to do, I could be making a huge mistake people keep telling me im mad but can only do what i think is right"
TMichaels Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 can any body work this out? recieved text from him today saying "I cant talk to you over phone cause you will talk me around. i dont know the reason why but just feel this is what ive got to do, I could be making a huge mistake people keep telling me im mad but can only do what i think is right" Well firstly, NoraJane was right. He broke up by text and has been dodging your phone calls because he didn't want you to ask him any questions or have to explain himself. Perhaps there isn't a new love involved, but it's clear that he doesn't trust himself to stick to his decision of breaking up with you if you were to talk one-on-one. That says to me that he really does love you and he's having a tough time sticking to it. But, for some reason he feels he has to -- for his? (your?) best interests -- whatever those may be. Not knowing all the specifics and both of your personal histories or circumstances, it sounds to me like he's trying to say he's not sure he's ready for the kind of relationship he'd have with you. I know you have said he's got a child of his own and you've spent holidays together with all the kids, but I wonder whether if the problem is, what he wishes is that it could just be the two of you, and he just doesn't want or feels comfortable taking you all on? It just sounds like when it is the two of you -- spoiling you rotten on your birthday, talking about the next time he can whisk you away for a weekend, etc. everything's grand. But, when "real life" intervenes which requires a bit of effort (i.e. going to your child's show, and having to take the train back home), all of a sudden "life's a hassle." He may not want to tell you this because he knows it sounds selfish. He knew you had kids when he met you. And, in a way, it's insulting -- as your children are as much of "who you are" as anything else, so he doesn't want to hurt you in this way. Even though the text he sent back to explain his behavior doesn't really shed anymore light on what's really going on in his head than you had to start, I stick by my earlier advice -- DON'T TEXT HIM BACK -- in fact, I would have no further contact with him. Needless to say, he's got some issues to work through. Let him. If he does and initiates further contact, then insist on an explanation and then CONSIDER what he has to say and his reasoning, BEFORE you agree to get back into a relationship with him. Relationships are partnerships and successful ones are where the two involved work through things together -- not where one crawls into his cave and leaves the other clueless and has to fend for themselves. If he's handling "the big issues" this way now, you can bet he will do the same "when the sh*t hits the fan" later, if/when the two of you were to get together permanently. I'd think long and hard about whether that's how you want to live your life, no matter how wonderful things have been here and there. Good luck to you. Best, TMichaels
Author sweetdream Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 It just sounds like when it is the two of you -- spoiling you rotten on your birthday, sorry might not hacve made it clear my kids were around on my birthday. and either my kids or his childor all of them are around most of the time we are ever together.
Author sweetdream Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 and having to take the train back home), He has had to use the train every time he has visited for a least the last 6 months. as due to him been unemployed he could not afford to get his car fixed after it broke down.
TMichaels Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 sorry might not hacve made it clear my kids were around on my birthday. and either my kids or his childor all of them are around most of the time we are ever together... He has had to use the train every time he has visited for a least the last 6 months. as due to him been unemployed he could not afford to get his car fixed after it broke down. Well, sweetdream... without knowing any more details about your relationship than you've shared, it's awfully hard for anyone to second-guess what's going on between you and your boyfriend. About the only certainty, because your b/f has confirmed already that, is that he chose to end the relationship without speaking one-on-one because he doesn't want to be talked out of a decision he, despite what others may think, is the right thing to do. He's made his position pretty clear. About all you can do at this point is to leave him alone. Maybe he will work through his issues, and be back. Maybe he won't. But, you'd be well-advised to think long and hard if he does want to get back together whether it's the right decision, FOR YOU. Best, TMichaels
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