Am I going through a phase? I have a great guy but no spark.

[nickilovespookie]

I’ve been with my bf for 3 years. My sister and best friend both think we’re made for each other, he really can make me laugh. Our sense of humors is the same. For 3 years I was completely devoted to him. But he didn’t give me the attention that I craved so I ended up cheating on him. We had a sit down talk about 2 ½ weeks prior to the cheating and nothing changed. Apparently he didn’t take things seriously. Then 2 ½ weeks after the talk I was coming back from visiting some family in Door County and on my way back I stopped at a friend of the family’s house. I developed a crush on him and had been talking with each other via text messaging and phone for about a month which sort of triggered the whole “talk” with my bf. I just wasn’t sure anymore if continuing the relationship with my bf is what I wanted. After all, I developed a sexual crush on someone else.

 

The day that the cheating happened I came home and that night officially ended things with my bf. We had been living together for 2 years so I left. It wasn’t fair to either of us to be in it when I cheated. I didn’t tell him that anything happened though, he knew about the other guy but didn’t know anything happened; I lied to him.

 

Well, long story short, my bf ended up finding out about me cheating though some emails that I wrote to my friend on myspace. Dumb I know. But he found out and that’s that. I was a little relieved he found out though because then I could really have my freedom. But I never really wanted to loose him. I’m being a cake eater.

 

Over the course of the next week, we talked, he was angry and then he helped me move my things to my parent’s house. Despite the cheating he still wanted to eventually make things work. He believes in second chances and thinks that this could make us even stronger some day. He really truly loves me. I told him I can’t understand why, I cheated and he said despite all of this there’s no one out there like me and he’s searched his entire life for someone like me. He’s 29 and I’m 23.

 

I can definitely see us getting married someday and having children but lately I’ve been craving the single life. When I spend time with this other guy (that I cheated with) I love it. When I’m with my bf, I think of the other guy sometimes. There’s also a few other men that I wouldn’t mind going out with, just to have a good time. Probably an attention problem I have.

 

I’ve never felt like this before, I’ve always wanted to settle down and be a wife type thing but then I developed feelings for the other guy. The other guy isn’t the ideal husband or anything, I don’t see us getting married or with anyone else for that matter (other than my bf) but I definitely have persistent feelings of spending time with other men. I’m not a slut or anything either but that’s what I’m a little scared of too, sleeping with men. I’ve slept with a total of 3 boyfriends plus the “other guy”. I would say that’s decent for my age.

 

I’m sure a small factor of this whole thing is that my girlfriends are all single. They pretty much lead exciting lives. Maybe that’s what I’m looking for. I also have married friends too and sometimes wonder if they’re really truly happy. My Dad and Stepmom have a terrible relationship so that worries me and I see divorces happen all the time. While I KNOW that if my bf and I did get married we would be very happy together I still have these both sexual and non sexual feelings for other men.

 

I’ve already hurt my bf once, we are technically not together right now but we say I love you and spend time together. We’ve also slept together 3 times since the breakup. But that’s not what he is after, he loves me. He’s the type of guy that could really take care of me, he’s smart and loyal. When we sleep together it’s really good once we do it but leading up to it, I dread it. I just don’t have the urge with him that I once had. The times I’ve been with this “other guy” (4 times exactly but none since I’ve been with my bf) everything has come natural. It’s great and I feel so sexy when I’m with him. He makes me melt.

 

I just don't understand why I was so happy and committed for 3 years, wanting to be with him forever blah blah and then all of a sudden one guy particularly sparks my interest and I just all of a sudden no longer want to be with my boyfriend? I'm confused.

 

I do love him but sometimes I wonder if I'm just with him because 1. He loves me so much and I feel incredibly guilty and 2. he would be a great lifelong partner. But don't get me wrong, I love being with him, he makes me laugh more than anyone ever can. It's like we understand each other. But then there's the intimacy, I want someone else. Should that be the deciding factor of whether to be with someone? I don't think so. I wish I could just go back to normal when I was happy.

 

Another thing is that yes, I know I'm young but I won't be forever and I don't want to loose such a great guy all because I'm "young", that sounds selfish to me. I am young but I know I am also very mature. Although you wouldn't think it judging by my cheating incident and this whole thing really. I haven't always been this way, like I said this seemed like a sudden thing. All of a sudden one guy sparks my interest and now a lot of guys are sparking it.

 

I just don't know if I could hurt my boyfriend again. We have plans for the future; a trip to Vegas planned, etc.

 

I'm so sad. I've been so edgy lately and I think it's because I am so confused. I don't want to let my boyfriend go. But I can't get past these feelings!

 

I would also like to add that I know that I'll never find anyone else as good as my bf so this is another reason why I am so weird right now. Honestly, I have this "go have fun" urge and it's not like me. I have always been fine with having fun while having a bf. But now I wonder, well, I'm not actually "free" if I have a bf. Am I turning into a wannabe slut?!! I DO NOT want to be that. My Mom was a little bit like that, she had countless boyfriends, one after the other. It bothered me because she was hurting these men and she was just really indecisive or something.

 

Why do I have such a sudden urge for other men? Ugh. I'm becoming disgusted in myself. Do I want to sleep with other men? Probably not. Even if I were single chances are, I'm just flirting, I don't have an actual craving to go home with men, just spend time with them, get to know them, really the attention. I am a flirt but more in a friendly outgoing kind of way.

 

Maybe this whole thing is that I just really like to flirt with guys and feel guilty because I have someone.

 

 

I wonder, doesn't this happen with everyone, married or not? If it keeps happening then I'll never be settled down and I don't want that. I don't want to loose him but I also can't have nagging feelings. It's making me sick. I must say that I do like the comfort of him being there. He makes me feel safe and that every thing's going to be alright.

 

You don't think that this could just be a cold feet type situation or just a phase? How can 3 years of bliss be turned off so quickly because of some guy that will never size up to him?

 

This whole thing could also just be about getting attention from other guys. I didn't get it from my bf for a long time and now that he is giving it to me, maybe it's too late. ?

[Miyamoto]

LOL you are a cake eater.

 

Your near 30 year old boyfriend should have known, being near 30, that you would, at 23, not really know what you wanted/need to branch out and explore. So I can't really call him a victim.

 

I had the same feelings with my g/f (unsureness), even though my last relationship was not as long. 9 months. Would have been longer, but I broke it off to save further pain.

 

You need advice from girls. Cuz I'm just gonna say that you should break up with him because it's not fair to him. And don't keep him on a leash like you probably want to do.

 

I also don't think it's so weird that you had love for 3 years and then it stopped. Love is just an emotion like anger or sadness. Anger lasts for a while, then it goes away. Sadness lasts for a while, then it goes away. Same with love. I've asked many older people why they can stay married for 40 years. All of them say the friendship, camaraderie, and communication is what kept them together. Not love.

 

Today is a new day in age -- I don't think marriage is as prevalent; the divorce rate bears this out, and that's because people have more choices. You, at 23, haven't experienced nearly enough to say what you really want. I'm 27, and I sure haven't. Yeah, you want to be a wife someday, but that doesn't mean you necessarily want that with your current b/f. He's just the only guy you've met SO FAR that could be a husband, in your mind. If you dated more, you'd meet more.

 

 

Bottom line is, I don't blame you for your feelings of infidelity or longing for another man. But if you don't have enough respect for your b/f to keep from acting on those feelings (note I didn't say love, but respect), then you need to be upfront and let him go. You probably won't, because you're scared of not having that huge safety net. But that's my two cents.

 

Be interested to see WTF happens with this one.

[SuziwithaQ]

I have to agree with a lot of what Miyamoto says. You started dating your boyfriend barely out of your teens. Not that all of your feelings and emotions haven't been valid for the past three years. But you are growing.....I don't think I even knew who I really was until about 27. I'm almost 40 now but I still feel 27. I think it is natural at your age to want to "play". I also agree that you need to explore these feelings, respect your bf and let him go.

 

About the lack of "spark"......I don't think this means you don't love your bf. But it has evolved into a different type of love. Right now you are craving excitement and passion. Not marriage and babies. Take a good look at yourself, your goals and what you need and above all else, be fair to this man. Maybe you will find each other again at some point, but moving on is probably the best for you both right now. Good luck!