kissingthecheek Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) My boyfriend and I got back together right before Christmas after being broken up for three months. During that three months, he met (and fell in love with) someone else. They dated exclusively for 2 1/2 months. He said that they broke up because he missed me. More likely, though, I think she decided to go back to her husband (she was separated when they met). In any case, I was thrilled to have him back. He truly is my heart's desire and love. With all that being said, as happy as I am to be with him, I still find myself pestering him about his relationship with her. When we first got back together, Ii would ask if he was talking to her (and he told me they exchanged a few emails, at first). Then I would ask about things they said and did. I am getting better about it, but I am still very insecure about his feelings for me. So, after a wonderful Valentine's Day weekend, I decide to open my big mouth and ask if he has pictures of other women on his phone (meaning, pictures of HER). I just have a feeling that he has pictures of her still on his phone and computer. Anyway, he says that he probably does have pictures that he just hasn't taken the time to go thru and delete. He also says that what is on his cell phone and computer is private and that it's really not any of my business. He implies that he likes to keep things like that because they are a part of his life. He gets pretty mad that I even brought it up after we've had such a wonderful weekend. I ruined everything by opening my big mouth. He nearly left, but I begged him to stay. I apologized profusely for the grilling, but he is still mad and pretty much said he's getting sick of it. I don't want to lose him (again), but I really don't feel secure in the relationship. I just don't trust that it is COMPLETELY over with them. He says that she's with her husband and he is with me and it is over. Why do I STILL feel insecure? What can I do to learn to "bite my lip" when I get insecure? Edited February 18, 2008 by kissingthecheek misspelled word
Darkzen Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 My boyfriend and I got back together right before Christmas after being broken up for three months. During that three months, he met (and fell in love with) someone else. They dated exclusively for 2 1/2 months. He said that they broke up because he missed me. More likely, though, I think she decided to go back to her husband (she was separated when they met). In any case, I was thrilled to have him back. He truly is my heart's desire and love. With all that being said, as happy as I am to be with him, I still find myself pestering him about his relationship with her. When we first got back together, Ii would ask if he was talking to her (and he told me they exchanged a few emails, at first). Then I would ask about things they said and did. I am getting better about it, but I am still very insecure about his feelings for me. So, after a wonderful Valentine's Day weekend, I decide to open my big mouth and ask if he has pictures of other women on his phone (meaning, pictures of HER). I just have a feeling that he has pictures of her still on his phone and computer. Anyway, he says that he probably does have pictures that he just hasn't taken the time to go thru and delete. He also says that what is on his cell phone and computer is private and that it's really not any of my business. He implies that he likes to keep things like that because they are a part of his life. He gets pretty mad that I even brought it up after we've had such a wonderful weekend. I ruined everything by opening my big mouth. He nearly left, but I begged him to stay. I apologized profusely for the grilling, but he is still mad and pretty much said he's getting sick of it. I don't want to lose him (again), but I really don't feel secure in the relationship. I just don't trust that it is COMPLETELY over with them. He says that she's with her husband and he is with me and it is over. Why do I STILL feel insecure? What can I do to learn to "bite my lip" when I get insecure? Not to sound like a jerk, but it's because you're a woman. Unfortunately, women are bombarded with insecurity issues their whole life (men are too, but not anywhere near what women are). Generally speaking anyways.
s_n_d Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I think you did the right thing by telling him how you feel. When you feel insecure, come on here and post and the insecure feelings will most likely go away.
Author kissingthecheek Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Thank you both for your input... Does anyone else have any words of wisdom to share?
witabix Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 A little, I have a little of what you are doing being done to me. Its odd from my perspective, but.... I never said what is on my phone/computer/books is private and nothing to do with her. Quite the reverse, when she starts the insecurity thing I assure her she has nothing to worry about. She can look at my phone or any of my PCs or in any closet, anything she wants to see. I have nothing to hide, so why should I care what she looks at? When the ex is in a bar we are in I say Hi, but thats it. No conversations, no looks. I act like I am in the bar with my gf. Which is easy because that is exactly what I am doing. People are sometimes insecure, when its your gf/W/partner surely its up to you to recognise the validity of their feelings and to ensure tha tyou do not do anything to cause harm. They seem pretty good at creating fantasies in their own minds. Oh, and BTW, the questions have almost completely stopped now. She didn't check my phone/PC or anything else, as far as I know anyway.
Prim&proper Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Kissing, It's so odd, but I'm sort of going through the same thing as you. My ex-bf and I broke up back in August, and he started seeing this gal in Oct. He then decided to move half way across the world and so they ended things because he said it was too new to start a long distance relationship. Now he's wants to start seeing me again to see if we should start back again. He's says he's open to a long distance relationship with me for a year until he comes back. I'm at this point debating whether I want to even begin this again. He tells me that while he was with her he couldn't stop thinking or missing me. At this point, I don't know if I want to start something again because I worried that I would be where you are. But you know what I'm leaning towards? I'm leaning towards telling him no because I'm beginning to realize that there is a reason why I'm insecure. It's him and not me. Sometimes it's better to be alone than to feel insecure in a relationship. Do you think that it's him that makes you insecure?
Author kissingthecheek Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 I would have loved to hear him react the way WITABIX did. But, he didn't. And, yes, because he didn't exactly reassure me, my fears remain. I am not exactly comfortable with him having pix of other women (esp HER) on his phone or computer. But, it is his phone and his business. Last night he tried to use my purse as an analogy. He said that he would never go through my purse and what I keep in there is none of his business. I agreed; however, I did say that he could go thru my pocketbook if he wanted- I had nothing to hide. I think when I ask him those things I am LOOKING for reassurance, but, in the end, I end up just pushing him farther away.
paladin1 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Here's the interesting thing about insecurity....sometimes it is just us, our low self esteem. And other times it is something that is exacerbated by the people we are with. Usually it is a little bit of both; but the only one we can truly control is ourselves. First things first; you say this man is your heart's desire and love. You need to decide first and foremost if this is true...considering you think the reason he is back with you is that his girlfriend went back to her husband and you are concerned it is not completely over with them. If you have any doubts about him being the one you desire and love...the next part will be impossible. If you decide that he is your heart's desire and love regardless of this possibility... then you have to understand that your fears are irrelevant. There are 2 options 1) You accept the possibility that he is back in your life with residual feelings for the other woman, realize that your insecurities are affecting your ability to relate to him, and let it go because right now it is your insecurities that are affecting your chances of being with the man you love or 2) you allow your insecurities to take over the relationship to the point of driving him away. It is very very hard to stifle one's insecurities, particularly when other's actions are exacerbating them. Trust me, I know...in the end my insecurities affected my relationship too. But you have to understand; your insecurities do not change reality. He may still have feelings for someone else; he may still be keeping pictures of her on his phone. Your insecurities only affect you...and how you relate to him. But if he is truly your heart's desire and love, hold back the insecurity and show him the person he fell in love with. If it is meant to be; his continuing to be with you and the way he acts towards you should be all the reassurance you need. Good luck,
FLAlicia Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 He's being sneaky and not giving you what you fully need. Obviously, or it wouldn't bother you that he thinks his phone is private. Considering he was still emailing her, you SHOULD have rights to his privacy. your his girlfriend. you predict what the relationship will be like when u accept certain rules treatments. I'm not perfect, I have my own problems. However, I got rid of my doubts by ASKING to be included. I have all my bfs email passwords and his phone bill password and we also forward each others emails to eachother. I think you need to give him an ultimatum (unless of course you're like me and can't stick with your promises to yourself) stating that you need to know FOR SURE that he's not doing you dirty. If he won't comply their might be something he's hiding. Or he might just be a private person. In that case, you need to accept it or find someone truly willing to give you %100 no less and always ready to give more. It's ur life don't waste time with someone who gives you doubts and unhappiness.
carhill Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 You each have articulated your boundaries. Now you have to decide what, if any, compromise can be reached. If irreconcilable, part ways. At some point, you'll learn that he'll be with you because wants to, not because you keep him. Hope that happens for you. BTW, I've got a picture of my wife and her ex-husband in our guest bedroom.....they look so cute in their 80's outfits LOL. I get it (that she's with me of her free will) but I'm like ancient
Author kissingthecheek Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I have been too jealous and possessive and it's absolutely running him off. He's mad because I can't keep my emotions in check long enough to bite my tongue about what's on his phone and in his email. He is a private person and I don't necessarily think that having her picture on the phone is an indication that he still has feelings (but it still makes me uncomfortable). We are currently "taking a break." I hope I haven't run him off for good. I am starting to feel like I have, though. He says that he just can't tolerate certain parts of my personality (like the jealousy and the unpredictability) so I think he is pretty much done, anyway.
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