Miyamoto Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I'm paraphrasing a really good post from "Breaking Up" ... I think it belongs in Coping, too, because it helped me cope... Basically, what the FP said was that if you put your ex on a pedestal you'll never get over them...so write down the bad stuff, and force yourself to believe it. Saying it out loud, I've found, helps too. Just don't yell it at work. Here goes: My ex was: Secretive Delighted in making me squirm May have seen other guys behind my back A flirt Had guys texting her late at night Tried to invite an ex to my party without telling me he was her ex Lied to her parents (which means she'll lie to me) Extreme Blamed everything on me Huge double standards Couldn't take a joke Family hated me Late all the time Her friends sucked Wow...
MattyTee Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I'm paraphrasing a really good post from "Breaking Up" ... I think it belongs in Coping, too, because it helped me cope... Basically, what the FP said was that if you put your ex on a pedestal you'll never get over them...so write down the bad stuff, and force yourself to believe it. Saying it out loud, I've found, helps too. Just don't yell it at work. Here goes: My ex was: Secretive Delighted in making me squirm May have seen other guys behind my back A flirt Had guys texting her late at night Tried to invite an ex to my party without telling me he was her ex Lied to her parents (which means she'll lie to me) Extreme Blamed everything on me Huge double standards Couldn't take a joke Family hated me Late all the time Her friends sucked Wow... Well, that is certainly a long list ... and yeah, I mean aren't you lucky you are away from all that! More seriously though, why spend so much time focusing on someone elses faults in order to help you heal? That smacks of wounded pride, nothing more. My suggestion to you is to stop looking around at other people, especially your ex, for reasons why you will be okay. Healing should be about moving forwards in a positive manner. Take the focus off her, it doesn't matter what she was like or is like, you aren't with her and really, at the end of the day, you can't change anything about her. All you can do is change what may need changing within yourself. I mean no disrespect to the OP and I understand that this method does help some people, but this is a free forum and I believe that there are more productive ways to heal and get those magic words up 'move on'. My advice, again, is don't use someone else to move on: whether that be with someone new or with focusing on negative aspects of another person. If those things are all true, perhaps you can look at what in you found comfort in those behaviour patterns. You chose her. You also knew all those things whilst you were with her... right ...
Author Miyamoto Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 To each his own... it helped me to let go a little bit of having her dominate my thoughts.
witabix Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I'm paraphrasing a really good post from "Breaking Up" ... I think it belongs in Coping, too, because it helped me cope... Basically, what the FP said was that if you put your ex on a pedestal you'll never get over them...so write down the bad stuff, and force yourself to believe it. Saying it out loud, I've found, helps too. Just don't yell it at work. Here goes: My ex was: Secretive Delighted in making me squirm May have seen other guys behind my back A flirt Had guys texting her late at night Tried to invite an ex to my party without telling me he was her ex Lied to her parents (which means she'll lie to me) Extreme Blamed everything on me Huge double standards Couldn't take a joke Family hated me Late all the time Her friends sucked Wow... COOL!!! Get with her friends!
sedgwick Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I've been really putting mine on a pedestal lately too, and a reality check is not a bad idea. Here goes: he didn't use deodorant he was so bony it hurt to hug him he ate with his fingers he never had time for me he was always waffling about something he was frequently physically ill due to self-neglect he was usually on the road, meaning i was lonely even when i was with him he almost never said "i love you" first he was bad about staying in touch when on the road he was really, really, REALLY obsessive about music he never invited me to meet his parents and was worried about what they'd think of my tattoos Okay, yeah, there are a few. But somehow I manage to turn those things into my fault -- every one of them.
blind_otter Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I think on some level we all demonize our ex's when we first break up. But IMO you know you're truely over someone when you don't feel anything for them, negative OR positive. The opposite of love isn't hate - it's apathy.
Author Miyamoto Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Fine, Ott, and you're right, but we ain't there quite yet.
dfreeman Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 If those things are all true, perhaps you can look at what in you found comfort in those behaviour patterns. You chose her. You also knew all those things whilst you were with her... right ... BINGO! I posted my ex's crap list on the other thread and it helped for the moment, but taking a look at myself and asking why I accepted that stuff in a partner and vowing to be more careful in the future was what I really got from the list!
Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 My therapist told me to do this - write down on a 3x5 card all of the bad things about my ex that are grounded in the truth (actual facts), along with the corresponding emotion of how this qualities have made me feel. (Side 1) On the other side of the card, she told me to list two columns - one of all of the things I really need in a relationship that he didn't provide me, and one of all the GOOD qualities he possessed. (Side 2) During our discussions, she's emphasized using the card to help me snap back to reality when I get all mopey reminiscing over all of the good times, to help me remember that he's not able to have the kind of relationship that I want right now. (Side 1) The other side is to help me see this relationship as a stepping stone. Instead of thinking of Ex as a mistake or time wasted, he's helped me see what I want/need more clearly. (Side 2)
Author Miyamoto Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Well, hell, Mattie, I don't know why I would accept those things. I'm on the forum here to receive insights. So why would I accept those things? Give me your ideas. Or anybody. Why would you accept those kinds of things?
MattyTee Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Well, hell, Mattie, I don't know why I would accept those things. I'm on the forum here to receive insights. So why would I accept those things? Give me your ideas. Or anybody. Why would you accept those kinds of things? I'm just rushing out right now, but quick possibility ... You might feel that's all you deserve? I'm not arguing that in a relationship we accept all kinds of crap from the other person but the truth is anything that happens (well, I change that to most things) in a relationship are things that we let happen. Perhaps we draw people to us that we 'need' in order to learn something? That would be the slightly New-Age approach. Perhaps we just look for behaviours in others that we feel we deserve? I have no hard and fast answers, I simply wanted to put out a different perspective
CaliGuy Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 My therapist told me to do this - write down on a 3x5 card all of the bad things about my ex that are grounded in the truth (actual facts), along with the corresponding emotion of how this qualities have made me feel. (Side 1) On the other side of the card, she told me to list two columns - one of all of the things I really need in a relationship that he didn't provide me, and one of all the GOOD qualities he possessed. (Side 2) During our discussions, she's emphasized using the card to help me snap back to reality when I get all mopey reminiscing over all of the good times, to help me remember that he's not able to have the kind of relationship that I want right now. (Side 1) The other side is to help me see this relationship as a stepping stone. Instead of thinking of Ex as a mistake or time wasted, he's helped me see what I want/need more clearly. (Side 2) Very good exercise. A pro/con list. But the worst mistake anyone can make is to feel they are not worthy of being loved or that no one will love them. That is a self-defeatist attitude of worry that is both unrealistic and unfouded. The reason why people have a hard time finding love is they depress themselves by thinking they won't find it. Depressed people rarely find love so it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you stop being negative, if you stop talking to yourself in a negative fashion you will quickly start to cheer up. Happy, shiny people, much like a pearl, attracts LOTS of interest. If you want to attract someone, if you want someone to love you, you have to love and respect yourself first enough to not talk down to yourself or beat yourself up. Once you do that, the sky is the limit. And again, the only thing that ever holds us up from being happy is.... ourselves.
Author Miyamoto Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 I'm just rushing out right now, but quick possibility ... You might feel that's all you deserve? Well, I know I don't deserve your "quick possibilities..." Mr. Therapist...so we'll wait until you come back and give me some real insights...cuz I don't settle...I DO deserve more :laugh::laugh:
MattyTee Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Well, I know I don't deserve your "quick possibilities..." Mr. Therapist...so we'll wait until you come back and give me some real insights...cuz I don't settle...I DO deserve more :laugh::laugh: Well Miya, To be slightly blunt with you ... every time I see a post from you, you tend to fend off any help that people might offer. My quick possibilties are simply there to give you something to think about, nothing more, nothing less. I'm not here as your therapist and I'm not interested in offering 'insights' to someone who doesn't want them. As to whether you agree or not that is up to you. Caliguy has a lot of very good insight and wisdom, not all of it is stuff that I agree with - but that's the beauty of this place, you get a variety. I will hold by the quick answer ... that at the time you put up with behaviours that were not okay because at some level you felt that it was what you deserved. I also believe that people are scared of being alone and perhaps you felt more comfortable with an okay known than a unknown? I will continue to post as long as you want me to, but easy up on the knockdowns
Author Miyamoto Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Nobody on this whole board gets my sense of humor. Think Dennis Leary. I'm not ungrateful, just having some fun! Geez! The face means I'm JOKING!
Author Miyamoto Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 And stop winking at me unless you want me to ask your @$$ out to dinner!!! :p:p:p:p:laugh::laugh::D:D:D:love::laugh::laugh::D:D:D:D:D:D
MattyTee Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 And stop winking at me unless you want me to ask your @$$ out to dinner!!! :p:p:p:p:laugh::laugh::D:D:D:love::laugh::laugh::D:D:D:D:D:D I like sushi ... or Mexican
rtHawk Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Very good exercise. A pro/con list. But the worst mistake anyone can make is to feel they are not worthy of being loved or that no one will love them. That is a self-defeatist attitude of worry that is both unrealistic and unfouded. The reason why people have a hard time finding love is they depress themselves by thinking they won't find it. Depressed people rarely find love so it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you stop being negative, if you stop talking to yourself in a negative fashion you will quickly start to cheer up. Happy, shiny people, much like a pearl, attracts LOTS of interest. If you want to attract someone, if you want someone to love you, you have to love and respect yourself first enough to not talk down to yourself or beat yourself up. Once you do that, the sky is the limit. And again, the only thing that ever holds us up from being happy is.... ourselves. CALI GUY can I have a pocket -sized version of you to carry around in my purse or on my shoulder whispering all these things to me everyday ... OMG. you really make me stop and see how much i am beating myself up.. I used to be that shining light...... that was what he fell in love with ... my cup half full --my smile--my joy for everylittle thing in life and more.. my ability to love and care about the tiniest little thing; even a ant.. thanks for reminding me about what I am.... what I need to find again... I can't let my broken heart and sadness take that away. HUGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sedgwick Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Ugh, Dennis Leary! I'd way rather you be YOU!
underpants Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I'm on the forum here to receive insights. So why would I accept those things? Give me your ideas. Or anybody. Why would you accept those kinds of things? I have a perspective to lend. The 'scary' ex that led me here did not treat me very well. Once I confided in a close friend some of the things that he did that disturbed me. She said "Unders, why do you put up with that?". My response (as ashamed as I was then and still am to admit it) was "it is the best I can do." Isn't that awful? I think it can be difficult to stand up for yourself and genuinely care for someone else. It is a hard balance in the best relationships and impossible in an unbalanced relationship. Mutual respect, it is there or it is not. Also, when you care and are invested in someone you want to do you part to make the relationship work. Abusive people count on this. At some point though, if mistreatment continues push will come to shove and you have to face who you are investing in. Then you really can walk away and know that it is the wisest thing you will ever do. I made one heck of a list that I kept and referred to when contact was broken or surprize visits were encountered. Which was often, and still on rare occurances. If anything having dealt with someone who can't get over themselves or their issues enough to treat others' well or even decently really opens your eyes in future relationships and (hopfully) makes for healthier choices and a strength to stand up to or walk away to bad treatment. If you are repeatedly treated badly by several people. Then it might be time to access how you might be contributing to your patterns. If it is a one time/new experience then it is a learning relationship that shows you characteristics of what NOT to invest in come future opportunities. My .02
ibitealil Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Very good exercise. A pro/con list. But the worst mistake anyone can make is to feel they are not worthy of being loved or that no one will love them. That is a self-defeatist attitude of worry that is both unrealistic and unfouded. The reason why people have a hard time finding love is they depress themselves by thinking they won't find it. Depressed people rarely find love so it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you stop being negative, if you stop talking to yourself in a negative fashion you will quickly start to cheer up. Happy, shiny people, much like a pearl, attracts LOTS of interest. If you want to attract someone, if you want someone to love you, you have to love and respect yourself first enough to not talk down to yourself or beat yourself up. Once you do that, the sky is the limit. And again, the only thing that ever holds us up from being happy is.... ourselves. Cali, i love your post so much i print it out..it makes me feel so good everytime i read :-) thanks
sandflea Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Very good exercise. A pro/con list. But the worst mistake anyone can make is to feel they are not worthy of being loved or that no one will love them. That is a self-defeatist attitude of worry that is both unrealistic and unfouded. The reason why people have a hard time finding love is they depress themselves by thinking they won't find it. Depressed people rarely find love so it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you stop being negative, if you stop talking to yourself in a negative fashion you will quickly start to cheer up. Happy, shiny people, much like a pearl, attracts LOTS of interest. If you want to attract someone, if you want someone to love you, you have to love and respect yourself first enough to not talk down to yourself or beat yourself up. Once you do that, the sky is the limit. And again, the only thing that ever holds us up from being happy is.... ourselves. This should be manditory reading for new LSers. You get your life back when you start living it again. Things get better when you get out there, start living, get yourself back in shape, and start having fun again. You are responsible for your own happiness. Happy people attract other happy people. Then, you fall in love again! Just that simple. SF
CaliGuy Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Cali, i love your post so much i print it out..it makes me feel so good everytime i read :-) thanks Thanks. Keep reading it. You'll only be sad and depressed as long as YOU want to be. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on with your life. Your ex isn't sitting around pining over the relationship so why should you? Cheers!
CaliGuy Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 This should be manditory reading for new LSers. You get your life back when you start living it again. Things get better when you get out there, start living, get yourself back in shape, and start having fun again. You are responsible for your own happiness. Happy people attract other happy people. Then, you fall in love again! Just that simple. SF Hi5 for you, SF. The sooner people understand they are responsible for their own happiness, the sooner they can be happy. Like, I'm going snowboarding on Friday. Can't wait I'm a freaking HAPPY guy right now because I WANT TO BE!
ibitealil Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 everything was fine until this morning...i woke up and the 1st thing came to my mind was him and his gf...thats because i checked his gf's FB last night...why i am being so stupid...as if i like torturing myself..how come a man can be so close and so in love with u one day and then the next day he doesnt even bother about ur existence? how is this possible? when will it be over? when the good things will start to happen? i just cant wait :S
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