showupbutbroken Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Well, I am on day 8 of NC. I made it through V-day fine, I've never really had a good V-day with any guy ever so there were no expectations that he would reach out to talk to me. The hard day for me will be later this week when he performs and for the first time in almost 2 years, I won't be there. I woke up out of a dead sleep last night, got the chills and cried really hard for about 20 minutes. Don't know what brought that on in that form but I felt sick to my stomach from missing him so much. I know at this point that I will either not talk to him again or it won't be until he feels things are in order in his life. Either way, cue for me to move on and reclaim my own life. I just hate the sick, sad feeling in the pit of my stomach and the feeling that each day is just a sad attempt to go through the motions of caring. And I love him with all my heart, regardless if I never hear the sound of his voice again.
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Take each day as it comes...That's all you can do. Stay strong and just know that what you're doing is the right thing for you. Your pain is final and will come to an end, whereas if you had stayed with MM, you'd be constantly up and down.
Author showupbutbroken Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 You're right, we all like to believe our story is different but you are right. I cried most of last night anticipating not being there tonight. I have just never felt such heartache, pain in my whole body, before. I guess it was my first time of loving someone with every ounce of who I am.
openingup Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Hi . . .just letting you know you're not alone. I've had NC for two weeks now and it's getting easier, although there are valleys. Please try to remind yourself of the relief you'll feel when you have nothing to hide and your moods are not tied to every word and gesture someone else makes. I never thought I thrived on drama until I realized how much of it was in my life on a daily basis and how much of my energy it consumed. I can tell you, being able to be completely honest with everyone you know is almost overwhelming. It's like revisiting your childhood. No more dual life, no erasing calls or changing email passwords just to be safe. It's a benefit you may not have considered while mourning the loss of someone you love. It's hard not to call, I know, desperately hard. Sometimes you won't be able to think of anything else. You'll obsess, you'll cry, and eventually you'll get really angry. Use the anger to make you stronger - think about what you gave, and what you received. If you're like most women in this situation, the scales are so far out of balance it doesn't bear mentioning. Keep posting, we're here to support you . . .
Author showupbutbroken Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 And I think the scales concept is one that is really not lost on me. I know all that I gave and although much of it can be captured into things and actions, the biggest thing I gave was my entire self. That is what makes the healing so hard. I try to keep one thing in perspective, he needs to find himself right now. He is lost and I need to let go for me. I cried a little less last night than I did the night before. I just think of this line in a song, "the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings." I will keep posting, it keeps things in perspective. It is humbling in this situation to hear the words you heard from your MM come from someone else in the same situation. I'm here for you too. This is the most hollow inside I have ever felt in my life.
juliegeraci Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I feel your pain. You need to go one day at a time with NC. Its hard but it does get easier. Good luck honey.
nellstar Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 NC is a B****!! It has never been easy for me but if I put my mind into it.... really really focus on it, it ends up being a breezy. Yes, it helps to post and I hope you keep doing that. Hollow.... oh dear.. I know what you mean!
Author showupbutbroken Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 I have found I am ok during the day, there are moments of sadness, maybe even a tear or two but when I lay down to sleep and my defenses are turned off, I end up crying for a good period until I pass out from exhaustion. This man was in every part of my life, I worked a lot on the side to help with his career stuff, it was partially my job to think about him a lot and offer new ideas. And when my two best friends moved away last year, he became the only one I shared things with. When I go to sleep, all the heartbreak comes flowing in. I can't embrace the numbness and going through the motions that I do during the day.
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