imagonnacry Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) H and I seperated last summer. We were married for 5 years, and honestly, I wanted a divorce after one month. The last four years have been pure hell... background After about one month Mr. Wonderful became Mr. Abusive. Mostly verbal at first, "no one likes you/would want you" to "you are fat/ugly/etc." When I would try to get away, he would physically block my path by standing in the doorway. Which naturally led to him grabbing my arm and pulling me into the garage or bathroom to tell me all of these horrible things. You can see what's coming, right? Sure as sh*t, he hit me. ONCE. I threw him out (half knowing this was coming) and I have not regretted my decision. He stalked me for months, following me, stealing phone bills, calling family members, asking co workers about me, etc. I felt like I was in prison, but was glad that the ending process had at least started. So WHY in the name of all that is good, am I bothered by the fact he is seeing someone else?? Am I jealous? Am I crazy? I am thinking that I feel badly because obviously he does not treat the new gf the way he treated me, or she would not be there. So why did I get treated so poorly? What did I do to deserve that treatment? Maybe I really am horrible. I tried to convince him to get help before "the incident" and he did not...I HATED it when he was stalking me (and he STILL is to some extent) I do miss my 7 yo stepdaughter, whom xh has custody of, and it bothers me that he already has this gf spending the night in front of her, seems unhealthy to me, but what can I do? I have contacted CS and legal aid, but have been told I cannot visit with her unless he will let me. Guess what he said when I asked? Yup, only if I sleep with him. NOT. Am I jealous? WTF is wrong with me? I have someone in my life who I have loved for years (as a friend), we have kept things quiet waiting for the dust to settle(read the ink to be dry). He is very kind and treats me like a queen. I have two daughters who are in their 20's, and I don't want them to think I would jump from one relationship to another, (but I kinda did). OH I am trying to be good, gimme a break... I have only one friend, and when I told her, she laughed and told me I should be relieved because maybe he will leave me alone now. Is she right?? I am confused.... Edited February 18, 2008 by imagonnacry
Author imagonnacry Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 40 views and not one comment. whateva...
kalena9488 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I'm sure it's not you. Like you said he was Mr. Wonderful till you got married. He's probably running the same game on her. I'm sure you were really in love with him when you married him and unfortunately sometimes when you've been treated bad you still have those feelings. Don't be hard on yourself I'm sure you're a wonderful person. Take care and just be glad you got away from him!
Curmudgeon Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Is it possible that what you really feel is resentment over the fact that he seems to have found happiness after he destroyed yours? As improbable as I', sure it will sound to you, the best things you can do for your peace of mind is forgive this imbecile. Until you've forgiven someone who's wronged you you're forever tied to them emotionally. Once forgiven they no longer count and you can reach the blessed state of indifference. Ask yourself this. Does he really deserve to have this much power and control over you and your emotions? If you achieve indifference he doesn't matter, nor does anything he does with his life.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I am confused.... It's hard to tell from your post what it is you want. If you want the exH to leave you alone, wouldn't his new relationship be a step in that direction? If you just want him to be miserable (hard to blame you ), doesn't your inside knowledge of his MO make you think that, this relationship or another, he's headed that way? Hopefully, you're not self-destructive enough to want him back ... Mr. Lucky
Author imagonnacry Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Is it possible that what you really feel is resentment over the fact that he seems to have found happiness after he destroyed yours? Eureka!! Thank you Curmudgeon! Hit the nail on the head. I knew it would be obvious to someone other than myself. I am MAD AS HELL that he can just move right on and woo someone else, while I am left in financial ruin. It will take me YEARS to dig myself out of the financial (and emotional) hell that he has ut me in, and yet he seems to have escaped completely unscathed! Oh, the unfairness of it all... I do believe in karma, though. What goes around comes around, eventually. I will have to work on the forgiveness part, but itwill be a long time coming, I am sure. In the meantime I will need to pick up as much overtime as I can to dig myself out. I can be thankful that I got out now instead of waiting a few more years (as I had originally planned) because then he would have been ENTITLED to part of my pension (which he is trying to get anyway, but I have a fair shot now of keeping that) Thank you for pointing out what I should have been able to see...that I want him to suffer. Someday he will. Today is my day, his is yet to come... Again, thank you all for your responses. It helps to know someone is out there somewhere willing to listen.
Curmudgeon Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I do believe in karma, though. What goes around comes around, eventually. When she left me, with boyfriend already in the wings, the ex expressed hope that I would die old, alone and lonely. Old was fine with me. It beats the alternative. She moved her boyfriend in with herself and my two youngest daughters, totally alienated them from me, lied to family and friends to isolate me and married her boyfriend before the ink was dry on the final divorce order. She also wiped out the bank accounts, took everything we had except my clothes and ended up with half my retirement. Fast forward a few years. Her husband was killed in a car accident. Seven years later the girls left her home and I got custody away from her. Without child support she couldn't survive so she had to move close to her fmaily, 500 miles away, and actually get a job. Then the IRS figured out she hadn't paid taxes on my retirement funds or her husbands, both of which she took lump sum and pissed away. Now she owes thousands. She still couldn't make it on her own so our youngest son and his wife took her in. None of the other four children want much, if anything, to do with her. She ain't gettin' any younger (just turned 57), she's decidedly alone and but for my son and his wife, she's lonely. She's also penniless and owns nothing! As for me, I'm older (61), have been married for the past 11 years to someone who was a friend first for five years and we have great relationships with all my children and grandchildren so I'm anything but alone or lonely. I earn twice what I did when the ex and I divorced and am worth many times more than I was then so her "wiping me out," which she wanted to do, was not at all lasting. The old adage is true. Be careful what you wish for!
whichwayisup Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Let go of your ex. Your ego is jealous that's all. I mean, you've got a MM on the side so the fact remains you and the ex ARE over, it shouldn't matter who he sees and what he does as you're not in his life anymore.
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