StarLily17 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Hello, there. I used to post on LoveShack a few years ago, but I forgot the username and what email I had used. Anyway, that was back when I was hung up still on my ex (and he was likewise hung up on me). Thankfully that situation is now resolved. This post is long, but bear with me. I tend to write very verbose forum posts, as a). I like to paint a clear picture/story and b). it helps me to sort out my own thoughts. Well, over a year ago I started to get back into the dating scene- or rather, into it for the first time. My ex and I had been dating since high school and I am now in my early 20's. I had had other boyfriends in HS, but it was significantly different than being older now, of course. So, in other words, I am very inexperienced at REAL, twenty-something, post-college dating. My town is an awful place to meet people unfortunately, as I am not into the bar/club scene and that's pretty much the only way to meet people around here. Well, being more of the nerdy, book-ish types, I went for online dating, which went fairly well. I met a few guys, but most didn't work out for whatever reason. Actually, it was mostly because I simply didn't feel enough chemistry with several guys I met. Until now. Everything about this guy has been different, in a good way. When he messaged me on the personals site, he did not even have a picture yet- but just because I liked what he had to say on his profile so much, I figured I'd message him back anyway, and if I was not attracted, at least I could make a new friend. Well, he turned out to be attractive, too. Our first date went really great, we have a lot to talk about and we spent the date just talking and having a good time. We have a lot of hobbies and interests in common, but also very similar values, beliefs and thoughts...though thankfully not TOO similar so we're not just mirror images. It seemed that we had a lot of chemistry, and we ended the date agreeing to have a second. I really liked him a lot, and the couple days after the date were agony for me, wondering if he'd call, etc. etc. In a funny way, this is actually pretty unusual for me, as I am usually the one running from being chased...but for once I was stuck trying to determine if I should chase or not- I suppose that's a sign that this person really resonated with me from the start. However, knowing fairly well how men work (most of my friends are guys so I have an advantage here), I knew that taking it easy, and not being to available would be the best thing to do. I did that, and before long he asked me on a second date, last weekend. We also had a great time, and he asked on a third date for Valentine's. We kept it low key with dinner but it ended with a kiss- our first. Due to a busy weekend schedule on my part, we had to arrange the "fourth" date to be around my friends, as I had promised to hang out with them that night. Normally I would not have brought someone along, but having the "good" feeling about the guy that I did, and being as close as I am to my friends, I felt it would not be a bad idea to have them introduced. He seemed very open to the idea, as were they (friends are mixed crowd of men and one woman), and we arranged for a fun night of card and board games that would probably be most comfortable for everyone involved. Well, it went great. He really hit it off with my friends, and they all really like him, he said he had a great time, and today asked me if I would like to get dinner again this week. So, in short, things are going quite well. So, you're probably thinking, "what the hell is this post even about then?" Well, like I said, I'm new to this dating thing, and I am still unsure of what to expect. I suppose I am afraid to get my hopes up too high in case it doesn't work out, but at the same time I am trying to still balance my words/actions so that there's no confusion that I am interested in him (does that make sense?) One reservation I had is that his online profile had stated that he was out of a very long relationship in which he had been engaged- and I'm assuming that to be engaged at my age, the relationship had to have been quite serious; and it also alluded to the fact that he was a dumpee. I've known this the whole time, and taken into consideration that I could be a rebound. I don't know how long it's been, other than it's been at least 3-4 months (based on some things he's told me). However, he has not brought up the subject yet and I certainly have not. How should I approach this, if at all? As I said, I am making sure to give him plenty of space so he can sort his things out if he needs to- but I am also afraid that this guy I really like could still be hung up on "the ex". What he doesn't know yet is that I am the master of "still being hung up on the ex", as I was off-and-on with mine for 7 years, which is a damn long time when you're my age. So, it's actually a place we have common ground, though I'm not sure if it matters. Essentially, I am rambling here, and probably over-analyzing. I tend to do that, but make sure to keep it to myself. I don't want to scare away this guy. He talks a lot in future tense about us, but not so much as I think he is diving right in. In fact, the pace which he has approached our relationship/dating has been perfect and comfortable for me, which is rare (usually I feel men are moving TOO quickly). At the same time, he is doing most of the pursuing and is definitely expressing interest, so I feel comfortable that our feelings are mutual (he even sometimes expresses that he feels like he might be being too forward!) So, yeah enough of my ramblings. Advice?
Author StarLily17 Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) Yeah, I'm aware of that. What I want to know though, is how do I find out for sure yay or nay before I continue to invest more time/feelings? Or, continue how things or going, but emotionally prepare myself in case I am? Or perhaps bring up the topic (if I should) in a way that is non confrontational and leaves him feeling comfortable to talk to me? To be honest, he's a cool/fun enough guy that even if things didn't work out romantically, he'd be a fun/great friend. Not sure if any of that makes sense, per se- I'm just trying to be informed, I guess. Edited February 18, 2008 by StarLily17
Nemo Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Who knows, it might work out. But my instinct tells me it's way too soon. He's almost certainly hung-up on his ex, and he will probably use your sexual energy to get himself back on the horse, so to speak.
Author StarLily17 Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Hmm, makes sense but we haven't slept together yet, only kissed once. I don't plan on sleeping with him (or anyone) for a long time yet, either. He doesn't seem to be in a rush for that thankfully (one of the reasons I like him), so we'll see. Thanks!
spookie Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Apart from not sleeping with him too soon, I don't think there's much you can do to "safeguard" yourself. Try to take it slow, no expectations in the beginning. He sounds like a decent guy. Whether or not you're both rebounding or this has the potential to be something more, time will tell.
Author StarLily17 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Well, here's an update... Apparently he likes me even more than I thought, as today he told me some really nice things, such as how amazing, pretty, smart, etc. he finds me, that he's always thinking about me during his day, how much he enjoys our time together- well, you get the idea. He then went on to say that he hoped he wasn't messing up what we had by saying that, but that he felt he had to say it to me. I wasn't really expecting this, to be honest, but it certainly was a pleasant surprise. I've been giving him space but right now he does not seem very confused at all on his feelings for me so... I'll just coast along and when he's ready to tell me about his past relationship, I'll be here to listen. For the record, I'm definitely over my ex, thank God. I'm still getting to know this guy, of course, but so far, so good. He's also very much a gentleman, so I know he's not just trying to swindle me into the sack with compliments...now that I've been on then receiving end of (and it sucked), so now I know what to look for.
Author StarLily17 Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 Last night, he asked me a sort of "where do you think this is going?" question. I was stunned, but replied basically with "I really like where this is going, so I am looking forwards to continue moving along with this and see where it goes!:" to which he said "Yeah I feel the same". How very confusing to me. I then told him straight up that I've never dated this way before, that every relationship I have been in I was friends with someone first, so that this whole "getting to know you" portion was very new to me...and he said the same. Then we talked about communication...he said that he tends to clam up and not say what he should, I agreed that I do the same. So I said that we both might have to work extra hard. I'm feeling like maybe he wanted to make us exclusive yesterday, thinking back on it, but I had given that response as a more neutral one in case that WASN'T what he was looking for, so he wouldn't be pressured. Does that make sense? Or was it exactly what he meant? Maybe "exclusive" isn't the right word, as I know neither of us are seeing other people...but you get what I mean, I'm sure. I'm sort of wary I guess still, knowing he's so fresh from a relationship, about diving into a new one. Am I being too cautious, or is my level of caution fine? He seems pretty sure about me though...damn am I confused. Help!
Author StarLily17 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Can anyone help me out a bit here? I'm pretty good at reading people, but my own relationship, and especially dating, experience is not exactly extensive. I have not talked about my concerns yet to him- should I? He just invited me out for a date during the week.
almosthere Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Can anyone help me out a bit here? I'm pretty good at reading people, but my own relationship, and especially dating, experience is not exactly extensive. I have not talked about my concerns yet to him- should I? He just invited me out for a date during the week. I admit that I am not experienced but... I know if I was dating a girl (as seriously as you two are) and at any point felt at all that it might not work, I would cut it off. This may be wrong, but if we are only dating and have concerns...IDK. If he is the type of guy I think he is, you are good until he TELLS you otherwise, dont take any hints to mean anything.
Author StarLily17 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Thanks...as I said this is my only real concern. Otherwise, we really seem to get along extremely well. Despite living slightly far away in different cities (a little over an hour distance) he manages to instigate getting together about twice a week (and be both work full-time). I realize that if he didn't want to spend time with me he would not do that...especially considering our relationship is not sexually intimate. At the same time, he's not overly clingy so...yeah.
Author StarLily17 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Anyone have any other insights? I am not trying to be pesky but this forum is chatty and posts get lost fast. If not, I'll continue going with the flow, I guess.
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