dumspirospero Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 This is my first time posting on this forum but i have been lurking and reading for a month or so. It's great how much support there is for everyone. Onto my own issue. My gf and I have been dating for 1 year. I really love my girlfirend but we went on the dreaded "break" for about 3-4 weeks a month ago. During that time, she said she was confused and not sure how she felt about me. I gave her a lot of space during that time and we did our own things. She said that she didn't want to date other guys nor did she have sex with any guys during that time. However, she doesn't know that I know the whole truth about what went on during 3-4 weeks. She did see someone and she did have sexual relations with him but she did not go all the way with him. So she didn't "lie" to me but it definately wasn't the complete truth. She has since "thought it out" and is acting like we were before; like nothing had happened. I haven't confronted her about this nor do i think i am right to confront her about it. However, I feel like i have been cheated on even though we were on a "break". Am i out of line for feeling like this? Should she tell me the truth about what happened during our break? I am not sure what to think and am very confused right now. What do you guys think i should do?
DaisyBelle Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Hmm...this is a tough one. If you really cannot get over the fact she was involved with someone else during your break, then I suggest gently prodding her. Tell her that you are aware something happened, but don't be judgmental or angry with her about it. Let her know that she can tell you about what happened. Then talk about it. Gently. It sounds like she is confused and did the right thing by recognizing it and asking for the break. It's really easy, unfortunately, during that confusion to latch onto someone else for all the wrong reasons. It's possible that she realized, after being with someone else, that her heart really is with you. It's also possible that she feels very guilty about what she did and is trying to compensate by reigniting things with you. It seems like this is really bothering you, so I don't think ignoring it is the right way to go. I think if you avoid the topic, it's going to fester and come out in a really angry way later on. There are also some trust issues here that need to be addressed. Therefore, I think a gentle conversation now is key to figuring out if this is something the two of you can work through, or if she has come back to you out of guilt for what she did during the break. I'm sorry this is going on in your life. I hope everything works out for you both.
Author dumspirospero Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 I've prodded her about it and she stands her ground that nothing happened and she did not sleep with anyone. I cannot bring up the fact that i know it happened as i only found this out through snooping. The guy she was seeing relocated to a new job in a different state so i'm thinking that's why things didn't work out and maybe that's why we are back together. I think the best thing for me to do is to talk to her and see where she wants our relationship to go. You are right about trust issues. After going through this break, I'm now afraid her lying is going to perpetuate into the future.
strife Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Breaks are too much of a grey area. Whether it is considered cheating depends on how clearly you defined where to draw the line and where that line is for the break. As for now, it is good you decided to talk to her. In her position, she thinks she technically is not lying and cannot change the past. Therefore, she could be lying/withholding the truth because whe would rather not hurt you, and/or not get herself in trouble. The other thing is, you are withholding the truth that you know as well, which is a very passive way of dealing with the problem, not entirely fair to the both of you. If you don't bring it all out into the open, you will resent her for lying in the long run. Good luck with your talk!
Darkzen Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Cheating or not, do you want to be with someone that breaks up to mess around with someone else? Seems like she's only as loyal as her options.
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