Why so many relationships where both participants are married?

February 18, 2008

Sorry to hear that, Woggle. That must have been awful. I'm glad the female lawyer saw right through it. They can smell a liar from a mile away.

I wonder if you knew the dynamics of my situation would you believe in justification once in a while? Actually, I shouldn't say that it was necessarily justice, but he should have known that you can only neglect a deserving woman for so long. After a while, she'll start taking care of herself.

I sincerely hope your 2nd wife treats you right and that she gets rewarded in kind for it.

February 18, 2008

Thanks, L. I am my most critical judge.

No problem! There are a lot of dopes on these boards, but it looks like you can take care of yourself!

February 18, 2008

My mouth is hanging open. So you would advocate this type of society? Their regard for human life is also much lower than ours. If that's your cup of tea, then by all means, pack up your sh*t and move over there.

How convenient for you, to sort people into mail slots like that. Good luck dealing with reality.

No Open, I'm not advocating anything. I'm explaining something to you that you should inherently know. That people do things simply because they CAN. They hurt others because it serves their purpose and they know the consequences are minor.

If we as a society want to curtail a behavior, then we provide consequences of some kind. I would personally advocate financial consequences combined with some kind of required mental evaluation to protect children.

Oh, and in regards to categorization. You do it every day. Every single day you categorize people, because that is how our brains work. We learn by association. So... welcome to reality!

February 18, 2008

I would agree that you didn't start out as the typical OW. You must have been surprised to learn that you became one when he went back.

Well, I didn't become the OW when he went back either. Due to circumstances we had to have some contact but it was minimal, and since I left the state he's in (where I had moved to be with him because he insisted 'I need you here') and the apt we shared albeit briefly, I've had no contact with him.

Still trying to decide whether that means he is the decent guy I thought he was, who went NC after he decided to go back, or that he's just a bottom feeding cowardly creep. I think he knew I wouldn't ever settle for being an OW anyway.

Oh and his stbx (supposedly) didn't seem to have a problem with him leaving as long as he was supporting them, until he a. found someone else, b. I physically showed up and c. he got himself a nice new job paying twice his usual salary - golly gosh, go figure huh ?

February 18, 2008

am I still hurting and possibly resentful etc etc ??

You bet your sweet bippy I am lol

This is taking a longgggggg time to come to terms with.

Edited February 18, 2008 by Lookingforward
typo oopsie

February 18, 2008

Sorry to hear that, Woggle. That must have been awful. I'm glad the female lawyer saw right through it. They can smell a liar from a mile away.

I wonder if you knew the dynamics of my situation would you believe in justification once in a while? Actually, I shouldn't say that it was necessarily justice, but he should have known that you can only neglect a deserving woman for so long. After a while, she'll start taking care of herself.

I sincerely hope your 2nd wife treats you right and that she gets rewarded in kind for it.

WF, you seem like a really decent person at heart, but I must admit, even tough you have found justification for what you do, I have to say I still see it as wrong. I know my opinion doesn't effect your life one way or the other(it shouldn't) you are a strong woman, who's actions might harm another strong woman IMO. This isn't meant as a bash, just when you said if the dynamics of your situation were known, would it kind of change the way someone would view things. As I have stated before, I am a black and white thinker. I hope you don't take offense, none was intended.

February 18, 2008

Wow. Interesting answer from someone who supposedly has never done it.

It boils down to easier said than easier done.

There are consequences, Cobra, and they directly effect me. Even though H lacks the communication skills and caring to confront and deal with things I am sure he knows. He hates me, really, and is making life extremely difficult for me right now. I stand to lose a lot at this point, including my health due to the stress. But I chose to take that on. I knew there would be consequences and I willingly took the challenge. I knew in the end it would be tough but if my M didn't destroy me I would have my freedom. And the freedom to be myself.

If we went around shooting everyone in the head thereby forcing honor, the honor wouldn't be sincere. God gave us free will so that he knows when he is loved it is pure. Deep down, my H knew I was falling out of love and still did nothing to work on it. It was his choice. His culture is one that is full of false honor and he thought I could be comfortable in a M by staying out of a sense of duty without sincerity.

I must admit that I was intrigued with MM's interest in me. I kept wondering about his intention and wanted to see what happened. I was curious to know how far he would take it. Maybe it is that curiosity that causes so many MPs to cheat with other MPs?

Look, my perspective on this may seem alien to most. I don't believe most people in affairs consider how it will affect their children. They don't think about the OM or OW and how that person will treat the kids. They simply don't consider much beyond themselves. Yeah, there are some that do think it over. Even more than care but just don't care enough to do something different.

Yeah, it's been established that your H is pretty much a moron and a prick. Not much to say beyond that. I hope he makes a better dad than he does a husband.

I admit I tend to be draconian about this topic. However I feel that I have good reason to be so.

Ah, I also forgot to add fearful to my list of character traits often found in cheaters. Many of them are very fearful. I'm know there are others, I'm just hitting the generic ones.

February 18, 2008

Look, my perspective on this may seem alien to most.
No. Inexperienced at best.

Yeah, it's been established that your H is pretty much a moron and a prick. Not much to say beyond that. I hope he makes a better dad than he does a husband.
Wow. Could you say it with less class?

I admit I tend to be draconian about this topic. However I feel that I have good reason to be so.
No, you don't. Tell us why you feel you have GOOD reason to be so? How long have you been married/divorced?

Ah, I also forgot to add fearful to my list of character traits often found in cheaters. Many of them are very fearful. I'm know there are others, I'm just hitting the generic ones. You know a lot about cheaters. I am thinking you are one.

Boy, you know, people the post on here are in a lot of pain. Do you ever consider their feelings? I'm guessing you are divorced or have never been married, because I don't know what other agenda you could possibly have shrilling your harsh conclusions on here.

So tell us your story.

February 18, 2008

It boils down to easier said than easier done.

OR ... easier is the path of least resistance.

Why can't people finish what they're already in (their M) if they are so unhappy with it rather than dragging others into it, especially others who also have families to consider ?

Most folks don’t like giving up the bird in the hand for the one in the bush as long as they risk losing both before they’ve made up their fickle minds. And so long as there’s no real consequence or sacrifice, most people are happy to maintain the status quo. Miserable as they claim to be or not.

Unfortunately, putting off the inevitable sometimes works ... but only in the short term. Eventually, the consequences for our actions or inaction catches up with us in the end ... usually with compounded interest.

What I find most curious about human nature is not so much our amazing ability to make excuses for ourselves, but rather that so many people would rather avoid their troubles by compounding them. At least until it snowballs to the point where they’re forced to deal with the avalanche they’ve created because it’s grown so big they can no longer outrun it.

I don’t know, but I think I’m as puzzled as you about all this. It just seems much simpler and far less complicated when we choose to tackle one problem (or relationship) at a time rather than create a perpetual clusterf*ck for ourselves and others. Then again, some folks thrive on drama and chaos because it’s all they’ve ever known ... or perhaps for people suffering from relationship inertia, it’s the closest thing to feeling alive. Or just feeling something. (???)

February 18, 2008

Boy, you know, people the post on here are in a lot of pain. Do you ever consider their feelings? I'm guessing you are divorced or have never been married, because I don't know what other agenda you could possibly have shrilling your harsh conclusions on here.
So tell us your story.

I agree

People like Cobra just like to kick people when they are down!

I think the answer to the OP is that some people take their marriage vows less seriously than others!

February 18, 2008

Wow, LF. You even moved to be near him. If he thought there were any chance at all to save his M he should not have asked you to move. What a jerk!

Hope you find someone absolutely wonderful right there in his town. You sound like a woman deserving of respect and happiness.

February 18, 2008

OR ... easier is the path of least resistance.

Most folks don’t like giving up the bird in the hand for the one in the bush as long as they risk losing both before they’ve made up their fickle minds. And so long as there’s no real consequence or sacrifice, most people are happy to maintain the status quo. Miserable as they claim to be or not.

Unfortunately, putting off the inevitable sometimes works ... but only in the short term. Eventually, the consequences for our actions or inaction catches up with us in the end ... usually with compounded interest.

What I find most curious about human nature is not so much our amazing ability to make excuses for ourselves, but rather that so many people would rather avoid their troubles by compounding them. At least until it snowballs to the point where they’re forced to deal with the avalanche they’ve created because it’s grown so big they can no longer outrun it.

I don’t know, but I think I’m as puzzled as you about all this. It just seems much simpler and far less complicated when we choose to tackle one problem (or relationship) at a time rather than create a perpetual clusterf*ck for ourselves and others. Then again, some folks thrive on drama and chaos because it’s all they’ve ever known ... or perhaps for people suffering from relationship inertia, it’s the closest thing to feeling alive. Or just feeling something. (???)

I know your post is meant to bash the married OP and it might surprise you that to some degree I agree with you. The thing is we are not all the same.

I don't thrive on drama as I grew up in a fairly boring family, but I will say that what I'm going through now has put fire under my butt to do something. Filing for a D is more difficult than you know if you've never been through it. But, I'm glad now that I've started it.

February 18, 2008

WF, you seem like a really decent person at heart, but I must admit, even tough you have found justification for what you do, I have to say I still see it as wrong. I know my opinion doesn't effect your life one way or the other(it shouldn't) you are a strong woman, who's actions might harm another strong woman IMO. This isn't meant as a bash, just when you said if the dynamics of your situation were known, would it kind of change the way someone would view things. As I have stated before, I am a black and white thinker. I hope you don't take offense, none was intended.

Bent you know I have a special place in my heart for you. Your H was not there when you needed him most so he didn't understand the 'for better or for worse' part of his vows.

My H wasn't there for me either and yes a part of me feels he deserves what I've done however wrong I might be. Maybe years from now I'll see it differently. I am open to that.

I know I will have to give up MM. I am the one who says this, not him. I hate the fact that his W could find out and suffer because of us. I really do.

February 18, 2008

Very well-said, Enigma. I absolutely agree that inertia and the all-too-human tendency to try to secure as much as possible for ourselves with the fewest number of confrontations is exactly why MP tend to get involved with one another.

Simply put, CS don't end their marriages because the fallout from the disclosure might mean that they go from 2 relationships to 0 in record time. The betrayed spouse may be too angry to take the straying spouse back just as the other CS often discovers that once their partner in crime is free, that person has nothing to lose, which is threatening. The still-married affair partner then tries to end the A because the newly unattached party will want them to follow suit whether or not they are ready (and may "out" him/her to their spouse.)

Fear is a huge motivator; fear of exposure, censure, embarrassment, pain - you name it. No one wants that. If both participants in an affair have equal amounts to lose, each is motivated to keep the secret due to the fears above.

February 18, 2008

no , moved to be with him , he left and I ended up near him LOL, which actually became unbearable as it was too damn near , so was one of the reasons I moved back here. His marital home was like all of 5 blocks away so the chances of running into the little 'happy family' were too high for my comfort and peace of mind.

Thanks for the kind words, though. Am hoping eventually when my heart heals I will find that special someone.

February 18, 2008

Look, my perspective on this may seem alien to most. I don't believe most people in affairs consider how it will affect their children. They don't think about the OM or OW and how that person will treat the kids. They simply don't consider much beyond themselves. Yeah, there are some that do think it over. Even more than care but just don't care enough to do something different.

Yeah, it's been established that your H is pretty much a moron and a prick. Not much to say beyond that. I hope he makes a better dad than he does a husband.

I admit I tend to be draconian about this topic. However I feel that I have good reason to be so.

Ah, I also forgot to add fearful to my list of character traits often found in cheaters. Many of them are very fearful. I'm know there are others, I'm just hitting the generic ones.

Fearful? Can you explain?

Cobra, you also know I feel for you too. I know your childhood sucked and your mother wasn't the best.

My H is an OK dad. The kids still want to live with me, though, because 'he doesn't do anything around here and he's mean', they say but he does care about them. More than he ever cared about me.

February 18, 2008

Oh, and monogamy is not just some human invention it occurs in other animals as well.

I suggest you read this link. It has some interesting points. http://edstrong.blog-city.com/multiple_sex_partners__monogamy_is_a_social_construct.htm

From an economic point of view, monogamy works well for our current society. However, if polyrelationships are culturally ingrained, the economic advantage would favour the wealthy. Wealthy men will have their pick of best and accumulate multiple superior partners. Us lesser financially endowed men will get the shaft so to speak.

Hell, if I was a wealthy man, and if I live in a society where polyrelationships are legal, I would date and acquire the best: smarts, looks etc.

Wealthy guys already practice some form selective partnerships now. Look at their trophy wives and or girlfriends on the side.

February 18, 2008

Boy, you know, people the post on here are in a lot of pain. Do you ever consider their feelings? I'm guessing you are divorced or have never been married, because I don't know what other agenda you could possibly have shrilling your harsh conclusions on here.
So tell us your story.

Shrilling? Harsh conclusions? Agenda? Not sure I fit any of those statements. However, it is true that I could have used more class when describing WF's H. I've read most of the story about him... I just don't feel like classy fits. That's an opinion though.

Hmmm... maybe I'm just a touch upset still from having to see my mom last weekend.

No, not divorced, not married. I was just a kid who had to live through this once. So, I know how things can feel from that side.

February 18, 2008

It would be interesting to note the effects of medical science on expanding our lifespan with respect to human monogamy. As the author noted in my link....if we can live to 200 or 300 years, there will be significant changes to our culture. The impact to monogamy will be significant, too.

February 18, 2008

I know your post is meant to bash the married OP and it might surprise you that to some degree I agree with you. The thing is we are not all the same.

I don't thrive on drama as I grew up in a fairly boring family, but I will say that what I'm going through now has put fire under my butt to do something. Filing for a D is more difficult than you know if you've never been through it. But, I'm glad now that I've started it.

Filing for divorce is more than difficult. It is reliving what you thought was your life. It is going through it scrap by scrap and sometimes feeling like a failure because it is coming to an end. It makes you rethink all your feelings about the person you are married to and the way that yo have evolved during the marriage. For me it was sad, but eventually so liberating. I realized who much of my life I had put on hold for someone who would never appreciate who I am or what I did for them. He would never appreciate my fidelity or committment to our family. I am on a path that I would not have chosen for myself, but I am glad that God kicked me in this direction.

February 18, 2008

I know your post is meant to bash the married OP and it might surprise you that to some degree I agree with you. The thing is we are not all the same.

I think the term “bash” is often used rather frivolously by those who are extremely sensitive to a particular subject or point of view that may not be aligned with their own. My response to the Original Poster’s question was my honest opinion given my own experiences with the subject. To sugar coat or attempt a verbal soft-shoe around it would have led to posting a convoluted novel. My post’s are already wordy enough as it is.

I don't thrive on drama as I grew up in a fairly boring family, but I will say that what I'm going through now has put fire under my butt to do something. Filing for a D is more difficult than you know if you've never been through it. But, I'm glad now that I've started it.

I wasn’t referring to you specifically. And I’m happy for you that you have finally been motivated to become more proactive regarding your marital situation regardless of what it finally took to reach that epiphany. And YES ... I am no stranger to divorce. Like you, I was so miserable with my marriage (and MEANT it) that I got out of it over ten years ago. And what it cost me was worth the happiness and peace of mind I earned in the end. No amount of money in the world can buy that.

And while I understand you can’t see around that dark corner yet, I’ve already been there, and assure you that happier and less troubled days are waiting for you ahead, as well.

February 18, 2008

I agree
People like Cobra just like to kick people when they are down!
I think the answer to the OP is that some people take their marriage vows less seriously than others!

Who is up and who is down?

Why not take issue with something specific I said?

I suggest you read this link. It has some interesting points. http://edstrong.blog-city.com/multiple_sex_partners__monogamy_is_a_social_construct.htm
From an economic point of view, monogamy works well for our current society. However, if polyrelationships are culturally ingrained, the economic advantage would favour the wealthy. Wealthy men will have their pick of best and accumulate multiple superior partners. Us lesser financially endowed men will get the shaft so to speak.
Hell, if I was a wealthy man, and if I live in a society where polyrelationships are legal, I would date and acquire the best: smarts, looks etc.
Wealthy guys already practice some form selective partnerships now. Look at their trophy wives and or girlfriends on the side.

Seriously, that's not exactly a scientific article. However, as you say... it has some good points.

How wealthy? I could probably afford two wives right now. However, I would have to divide my wealth and attention between two separate families, my children would be less likely to be successful and have decreased advantages.

Isn't child rearing the primary reason for marriage?

February 18, 2008

Shrilling? Harsh conclusions? Agenda? Not sure I fit any of those statements. However, it is true that I could have used more class when describing WF's H. I've read most of the story about him... I just don't feel like classy fits. That's an opinion though.

Hmmm... maybe I'm just a touch upset still from having to see my mom last weekend.

No, not divorced, not married. I was just a kid who had to live through this once. So, I know how things can feel from that side.

So you have never been married, never been divorced, and you dish out advice on this topic like you know what you are talking about. I'm sorry, but do you think that is responsible? Do you think for a moment you may not know what you are talking about?

You know, you revealed a lot by stating you support 'Draconian' code. I think that is very telling. The fact that you want death mandated for minor crimes is backwards and barbaric! Let the punishment fit the crime, son!

Jesus stopped a stoning of an adulterous woman. Do you disagree with that? Apparently, you do!

I don't think you are this evil. Seeing your post about being a victim of a destroyed family is obviously something you need to come to healthy terms with.

Have you seen a therapist about this? While you may not see it, you are projecting your pain and anguish on others here, and its not fair to anyone, especially the ones posting for help.

Get some help son. At least consider it.

February 18, 2008

Isn't child rearing the primary reason for marriage?

Says who? Boy, I didn't know it became a requirement. So even if this somehow is proved true, should couples just divorce after their children move out?

February 18, 2008

So you have never been married, never been divorced, and you dish out advice on this topic like you know what you are talking about. I'm sorry, but do you think that is responsible? Do you think for a moment you may not know what you are talking about?
You know, you revealed a lot by stating you support 'Draconian' code. I think that is very telling. The fact that you want death mandated for minor crimes is backwards and barbaric! Let the punishment fit the crime, son!
Jesus stopped a stoning of an adulterous woman. Do you disagree with that? Apparently, you do!
I don't think you are this evil. Seeing your post about being a victim of a destroyed family is obviously something you need to come to healthy terms with.
Have you seen a therapist about this? While you may not see it, you are projecting your pain and anguish on others here, and its not fair to anyone, especially the ones posting for help.
Get some help son. At least consider it.

But when Jesus stopped that stoning, he said go forth and sin no more. That was his mandate to the woman, and he even said the wages of sin is death. Now did he mean that as literal death at the exact moment of sin, of course not. If he did, there would be no one on earth, but their will be an eventual death from all the crap we bring into our lives.

Sign In

Why so many relationships where both participants are married?

Recommended Posts

White Flower

Letranger

Cobra_X30

Lookingforward

Lookingforward

bentnotbroken

Cobra_X30

Letranger

EnigmaXOXO

TerryTeardrop

White Flower

White Flower

White Flower

openingup

Lookingforward

White Flower

Carpetrider

Cobra_X30

Carpetrider

bentnotbroken

EnigmaXOXO

Cobra_X30

Letranger

Letranger

bentnotbroken

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...