Why so many relationships where both participants are married?

February 18, 2008

Seems to be very common from the stories on here.

Why can't people finish what they're already in (their M) if they are so unhappy with it rather than dragging others into it, especially others who also have families to consider ?

February 18, 2008

Seems to be very common from the stories on here.

Why can't people finish what they're already in (their M) if they are so unhappy with it rather than dragging others into it, especially others who also have families to consider ?

I think you can find some answers to your questions be reading some of the FAQs on this website that I found recently.

http://www.ashleymadison.com/app/public/faq.p?s=5#31

http://www.ashleymadison.com/app/public/faq.p?s=14#87

It is especially telling to note the first link comment about the reluctance of married people being involved with single people due to the perception of single people having less to risk and a lack of perceive understanding.

February 18, 2008

went to those links .....I understand even less, single people deliberately looking for a partner that's already attached

February 18, 2008

went to those links .....I understand even less, single people deliberately looking for a partner that's already attached

In my opinion, people have affairs because there are no consequences that directly affect them.

Lets face it. If we just shot cheaters in the head... not many people would do it. This is pretty much what we have done with them the past, what five thousand years or so? Some countries still do.

Now what drives a person to cheat. Laziness, selfishness, and self delusion.

February 18, 2008

In my opinion, people have affairs because there are no consequences that directly affect them.

Lets face it. If we just shot cheaters in the head... not many people would do it. This is pretty much what we have done with them the past, what five thousand years or so? Some countries still do.

Now what drives a person to cheat. Laziness, selfishness, and self delusion.

Well, they still execute people in places like Iran, Saudi Arabia etc, yet people there still cheat as defined by current standards.

Personally, you cannot piegon hole a standard definition for all people having affairs. Each set of circumstances are unique. However, there are some common traits.

As long as we have this current definition of marriage with its rigid guidelines of expectations, without taking into account of extenuating circumstances, affairs will happen.

I also find that people fall into this mass media hollywood hype of what a marriage is all about then find reality is totally different.

Bottomline, most people should not get married since they have no friggin clue what it all entails.

Monogamy is a human social construct that most of us cannot follow its path truthfully.

February 18, 2008

went to those links .....I understand even less, single people deliberately looking for a partner that's already attached

Yup. Some single people I personally know do date married men. I knew of a staff member of mine that did just that. Dunno the real reason. I can only guess. Perhaps this guy has this degree of passion a single guy lack? ie. MM has to try extra hard and be extra attentive to the single gal? Or perhaps, he has proven his worth (I mean this point loosely) since someone has validated his selection as their life partner?

February 18, 2008

Well, they still execute people in places like Iran, Saudi Arabia etc, yet people there still cheat as defined by current standards.
Personally, you cannot piegon hole a standard definition for all people having affairs. Each set of circumstances are unique. However, there are some common traits.
As long as we have this current definition of marriage with its rigid guidelines of expectations, without taking into account of extenuating circumstances, affairs will happen.
I also find that people fall into this mass media hollywood hype of what a marriage is all about then find reality is totally different.
Bottomline, most people should not get married since they have no friggin clue what it all entails.
Monogamy is a human social construct that most of us cannot follow its path truthfully.

Yeah.... they do execute them in other countries. Guess what... the percentage of offenders is way lower! Duh!

Yes, you can categorize people who cheat. Sure there are a lot of categories... but in the end they all share some pretty similar traits.

Oh, and monogamy is not just some human invention it occurs in other animals as well. However, I agree that it is often not in our nature to be with one partner. Then again... our nature contains all sorts of self destructive behaviors which we need to control. So nature is not really an excuse now is it?

February 18, 2008

Yeah.... they do execute them in other countries. Guess what... the percentage of offenders is way lower! Duh!

My mouth is hanging open. So you would advocate this type of society? Their regard for human life is also much lower than ours. If that's your cup of tea, then by all means, pack up your sh*t and move over there.

Yes, you can categorize people who cheat. Sure there are a lot of categories... but in the end they all share some pretty similar traits.

How convenient for you, to sort people into mail slots like that. Good luck dealing with reality.

February 18, 2008

Most aren't looking to end their marriages. They are just looking on the outside for what they feel is missing in their marriages.

February 18, 2008

Most aren't looking to end their marriages. They are just looking on the outside for what they feel is missing in their marriages.

So that's the reason they choose someone who is in the same mindset, okay that makes sense I suppose, but judging from the threads here it often seems to end up with a whole lot more mental and emotional anguish than that would imply.

My assumption then would be that it's playing with fire as it may start out that way but end up in a totally different place?

February 18, 2008

Yes, people underestimate what happens when you go looking for something you feel makes you happy, and you actually find it.

February 18, 2008

My mouth is hanging open. So you would advocate this type of society? Their regard for human life is also much lower than ours. If that's your cup of tea, then by all means, pack up your sh*t and move over there.

How convenient for you, to sort people into mail slots like that. Good luck dealing with reality.

Boy, I totally agree. What an clueless statement, no offense. Let me guess: cob_x has never been married but yet knows all about marriage. Oh, and the killing of people for any offense to lower crime-boy, yeah, thats a great solution!

And boy, people that sort people into categories are people contaminated by prejudice.

February 18, 2008

Nobody should be killed or even jailed or fined for cheating but a betrayed spouse should be able to walk away from a marriage unscathed. No alimony, you keep everything you own and you get the house if you have been cheated on. It's only fair that a faithful partner not pay for something that is not their fault. The cheater takes whatever they themselves own and half the account if it is a joint one and that is it.

February 18, 2008

In my opinion, people have affairs because there are no consequences that directly affect them.

Lets face it. If we just shot cheaters in the head... not many people would do it. This is pretty much what we have done with them the past, what five thousand years or so? Some countries still do.

Now what drives a person to cheat. Laziness, selfishness, and self delusion.

Wow. Interesting answer from someone who supposedly has never done it.

Take some answers from experienced people.

I was just like you, LF, and always thought if I felt the need to be with someone I would just end the M first. It was even one of our promises that I actually initiated at the beginning of our M (when we still communicated, lol).

So when MM came along I was really thrown. I had time to mull it over because we took things very, very slowly. But when I finally knew it was going to be no turning back I still didn't get out of the M. I'm sure you can imagine how perplexed I was with myself.

It boils down to easier said than easier done. And there is a part of you that wonders if you'll have this incredible guilt that will cause you to return to the M with a renewed sense of dedication. One can only know that after cheating. Unfortunately for my M, I did not feel this guilt and realized then and only then that I needed to end the M.

There are consequences, Cobra, and they directly effect me. Even though H lacks the communication skills and caring to confront and deal with things I am sure he knows. He hates me, really, and is making life extremely difficult for me right now. I stand to lose a lot at this point, including my health due to the stress. But I chose to take that on. I knew there would be consequences and I willingly took the challenge. I knew in the end it would be tough but if my M didn't destroy me I would have my freedom. And the freedom to be myself.

Actually, it was my H's laziness that drove me away. It was his laziness that prevented him from dealing with issues that needed addressing. It was his selfishness that dictated who would slave around the house plus work full time (me) but who would spend our money (him). And it was his self-delusion that thought an intelligent, warm, loving, and caring woman like me would take it forever.

If we went around shooting everyone in the head thereby forcing honor, the honor wouldn't be sincere. God gave us free will so that he knows when he is loved it is pure. Deep down, my H knew I was falling out of love and still did nothing to work on it. It was his choice. His culture is one that is full of false honor and he thought I could be comfortable in a M by staying out of a sense of duty without sincerity.

LF, If it had been a SG that had approached me way back then I'm sure I would have considered that better or easier in some ways. But I really didn't know where I was or what the future of my M was going to be so SG or not it really didn't matter at the time.

I must admit that I was intrigued with MM's interest in me. I kept wondering about his intention and wanted to see what happened. I was curious to know how far he would take it. Maybe it is that curiosity that causes so many MPs to cheat with other MPs?

Hopefully this answers your question. But I'm left to wonder if you really want to know the answer, or you just want to judge? You don't have to answer me. It is really a question just for you to ask yourself.

February 18, 2008

Nobody should be killed or even jailed or fined for cheating but a betrayed spouse should be able to walk away from a marriage unscathed. No alimony, you keep everything you own and you get the house if you have been cheated on. It's only fair that a faithful partner not pay for something that is not their fault. The cheater takes whatever they themselves own and half the account if it is a joint one and that is it.

Those are some bold and simple rules as well.

I take it you've been married a short while? What if someone did ALL the work around the house, ALL or most of the home improvements (I can wield a hammer and an electric drill pretty good), raised the kids practically by herself (even my counselor will confirm this), paid ALL the bills so that HE has excellent credit (I paid all mine too but for some reason his fico score is better than mine *shrug* must be because he's a MAN) and just couldn't take his lazy, self-righteous, ways and finally threw my hands up after 20 something years and caved in for a man who could recognize all the good I did? I really think H deserved it. I never told him about the A, but he does deserve it. And he deserves the D he is about to get.

You say one should not have to pay for something that is not their fault. So, you're saying that the M has only one value, one aspect? It's all about cheating or not cheating? There's nothing else to it? Darlin', there is so much more to marriage. There are many aspects to it. Faithfulness is just one of many.

February 18, 2008

In no way am I saying this is true in your case but I know from experience that many cheating spouses play the victim so it should be the rule that a betrayed spouse can walk away scott free. Nobody puts a gun to a person's head and makes them cheat and why should somebody who has honored there vows pay for somebody who has not? I don't believe that anybody should be entitled to spousal support and somebody has to get the house so why not the honest party? It's only fair that an honest and faithful husband or wife not pay the price for being cheated on.

February 18, 2008

My assumption then would be that it's playing with fire as it may start out that way but end up in a totally different place?

Yes, and I agree with LB that we actually find what we are looking for yet we underestimated it. I knew something was missing. MM came along and something grew. And I found it. I found a better me, too.

Now I'm turning my life around. I may not end up with MM, but I finally realized I cannot live in my mess of a M. There is something better out there and I'm not going to try to romanticize my 'ideal' marriage that everyone thought I had. That works for some people but not for me. I won't pretend any longer. I want something real. The affair brought me to that different place.

February 18, 2008

But I'm left to wonder if you really want to know the answer, or you just want to judge? You don't have to answer me. It is really a question just for you to ask yourself.

No, not judging anyone, just curious as to why it's such a common theme. Perhaps if I tell you that I was in a M I was unhappy in (make that totally friggin miserable actually) and so I separated and filed for divorce. The whole process took a lot longer than perhaps it should have, exM did so love to play the controller and drag it all out as much as possible, but eventually it did happen.

Then I met someone who was separated and silly me assumed that meant he would eventually file and get a divorce, but it turns out he was just a tow dipper. I know some like to judge that relationship and say I was OW because technically he was still married, but I don't see it that way as it wasn't an A when it was all open and above board and everyone was aware of the relationship.

When he left was when I found this site and I've been here pretty much since then, lurking a lot, reading, taking it all in. I have started a couple of threads and been accused of flaming, trolling etc but honestly I'm just tryign to get my head around a few things, and who better to ask ?

Hope that clarifies where I'm coming from and hope your health problems get better, that really has to suck on top of all the rest.

February 18, 2008

I cheat because i can and i get away with it .

i know some of you will not like that,but its the truth.

My H believes everything i tell him i know i can get away with it so i do it .

I cheat because i'm bored with my H,I love the company of other men ,the attention and everything else that comes along with it .

The MM i was having a A with,who i thought i was falling in love with ended our A he said he realized it was he loved his wife and he felt bad and he wanted to work things out with her.

I'm not sure what his reason's for cheating onhis W were because he never mentioned her i never even knew when the argued he only told me once that he didnt love his wife and was unhappy and he never mentioned her again.

Until that is he decided to end the A with me.

February 18, 2008

Wow. Interesting answer from someone who supposedly has never done it.

Take some answers from experienced people.

I was just like you, LF, and always thought if I felt the need to be with someone I would just end the M first. It was even one of our promises that I actually initiated at the beginning of our M (when we still communicated, lol).

So when MM came along I was really thrown. I had time to mull it over because we took things very, very slowly. But when I finally knew it was going to be no turning back I still didn't get out of the M. I'm sure you can imagine how perplexed I was with myself.

It boils down to easier said than easier done. And there is a part of you that wonders if you'll have this incredible guilt that will cause you to return to the M with a renewed sense of dedication. One can only know that after cheating. Unfortunately for my M, I did not feel this guilt and realized then and only then that I needed to end the M.

There are consequences, Cobra, and they directly effect me. Even though H lacks the communication skills and caring to confront and deal with things I am sure he knows. He hates me, really, and is making life extremely difficult for me right now. I stand to lose a lot at this point, including my health due to the stress. But I chose to take that on. I knew there would be consequences and I willingly took the challenge. I knew in the end it would be tough but if my M didn't destroy me I would have my freedom. And the freedom to be myself.

Actually, it was my H's laziness that drove me away. It was his laziness that prevented him from dealing with issues that needed addressing. It was his selfishness that dictated who would slave around the house plus work full time (me) but who would spend our money (him). And it was his self-delusion that thought an intelligent, warm, loving, and caring woman like me would take it forever.

If we went around shooting everyone in the head thereby forcing honor, the honor wouldn't be sincere. God gave us free will so that he knows when he is loved it is pure. Deep down, my H knew I was falling out of love and still did nothing to work on it. It was his choice. His culture is one that is full of false honor and he thought I could be comfortable in a M by staying out of a sense of duty without sincerity.

LF, If it had been a SG that had approached me way back then I'm sure I would have considered that better or easier in some ways. But I really didn't know where I was or what the future of my M was going to be so SG or not it really didn't matter at the time.

I must admit that I was intrigued with MM's interest in me. I kept wondering about his intention and wanted to see what happened. I was curious to know how far he would take it. Maybe it is that curiosity that causes so many MPs to cheat with other MPs?

Hopefully this answers your question. But I'm left to wonder if you really want to know the answer, or you just want to judge? You don't have to answer me. It is really a question just for you to ask yourself.

Excellent post White Flower. And this is coming from someone who was actually cheated on, but I'm not ignorant or naive to just lash out and judge people with thoughtless statements.I tried to figure out WHY she did it and it wasn't so cut and dry as you would think.

Boy, I didn't want her 'killed' or 'executed', nothing so assinine and childish. Give me a freakn break, kid. Yeah, lets solve all our problems with the ultimate solution. Yeah, lets all take 2 steps back society wise. No mistakes allowed,right?

WhiteFlower, excellent post. Done very well without the immature judging and babbling lashing out. You show how its done

February 18, 2008

Lila, your post doesn't shock me. It is in everything you post. It is all about you. One day though, you will find out that what you are up to isn't that hidden and you will have to deal with the fallout.

February 18, 2008

In no way am I saying this is true in your case but I know from experience that many cheating spouses play the victim so it should be the rule that a betrayed spouse can walk away scott free. Nobody puts a gun to a person's head and makes them cheat and why should somebody who has honored there vows pay for somebody who has not? I don't believe that anybody should be entitled to spousal support and somebody has to get the house so why not the honest party? It's only fair that an honest and faithful husband or wife not pay the price for being cheated on.

Woggle I have to assume you are an all around great guy. Your views on this issue are so innocent which points to your character.

You're right, I'm sure there are players who also play the victim. But even more, I think there are a lot like me who tried, and tried, and tried to improve the M and family to no avail and just got tired and broken. There are many broken souls falling into As because they are in need and the A is available.

I have a feeling that you are a great guy and this won't happen to you probably because you care so much about the M. A man who cares deeply about the M (in my personal experience) probably doesn't have a W who cheats.

And where was my H's faithfulness with our money? He did not faithfully keep it in his 401K. He did not faithfully stand up for me when his mother or sisters said I didn't throw my party right. He didn't faithfully hold my hand when my father was dying. What about all that? He did not faithfully cut off his brother when repeatedly he showed up on our door step looking for money so the loan sharks wouldn't put a gun to his head. Time and again I was there for that man and his family. I worked until my body broke, Woggle. My body broke. He owes me something for sure. The state has thought about these things.

Sorry, LF, if we are getting off subject. It seems we keep talking about guns.

February 18, 2008

Excellent post White Flower. And this is coming from someone who was actually cheated on, but I'm not ignorant or naive to just lash out and judge people with thoughtless statements.I tried to figure out WHY she did it and it wasn't so cut and dry as you would think.
Boy, I didn't want her 'killed' or 'executed', nothing so assinine and childish. Give me a freakn break, kid. Yeah, lets solve all our problems with the ultimate solution. Yeah, lets all take 2 steps back society wise. No mistakes allowed,right?

WhiteFlower, excellent post. Done very well without the immature judging and babbling lashing out. You show how its done

Thanks, L. I am my most critical judge.

February 18, 2008

I am coming a perspective of a man who did ev everything in my power to be a good husband in my first marriage only to be cheated on and slandered in court. Do you what it feels like to have the person who vowed to love and cherish you call you an abuser and rapist in front of the judge? I don't feel like I owed her a penny and luckily the female judge saw it the way. I am not saying this is you but I have just had it up to here with women that play the victim role no matter much in the wrong they are. I am sorry if I am misjudging you but my red flags automatically go up when I hear a woman trying to justify cheating or any other wrongdoing.

February 18, 2008

No, not judging anyone, just curious as to why it's such a common theme. Perhaps if I tell you that I was in a M I was unhappy in (make that totally friggin miserable actually) and so I separated and filed for divorce. The whole process took a lot longer than perhaps it should have, exM did so love to play the controller and drag it all out as much as possible, but eventually it did happen.

Then I met someone who was separated and silly me assumed that meant he would eventually file and get a divorce, but it turns out he was just a tow dipper. I know some like to judge that relationship and say I was OW because technically he was still married, but I don't see it that way as it wasn't an A when it was all open and above board and everyone was aware of the relationship.

When he left was when I found this site and I've been here pretty much since then, lurking a lot, reading, taking it all in. I have started a couple of threads and been accused of flaming, trolling etc but honestly I'm just tryign to get my head around a few things, and who better to ask ?

Hope that clarifies where I'm coming from and hope your health problems get better, that really has to suck on top of all the rest.

Thanks LF. Sorry to have assumed. My head has been busy lately and I'm surprised I'm spelling half-way decent these days;)

I would agree that you didn't start out as the typical OW. You must have been surprised to learn that you became one when he went back. Them TOW dippers are quite perplexing, aren't they? I sometimes wonder about mine and is he one. Oh how he likes to please.

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